How is polygamist leader and convicted rapist Warren Jeffs dealing the knowledge that he will spend the rest of his life in jail, never again to feel the sweet caress of his harem of child brides? With constant exhibitionist masturbation, according to an intrepid report from The Daily:

Polygamist leader and statutory rapist Warren Jeffs has been sentenced to life in prison for sexual assaulting a 12- and 14-year-old as part of a "spiritual marriage." A hoax crime tip led to a raid on Jeffs' Texas compound in 2008; the fallout, however, has been very real.