Perhaps inspired by the recent nationwide subway poop crime spree, San Francisco officials are finally able to ban passengers who use the city's subway trains as public bathrooms.

Over the weekend, Americans were shocked to discover that one of the women they trust to deliver their morning news has, for time unknown, been delivering something else, in secret: poops, to a toilet in a far flung part of her office where she thought no one would catch her.

Austin Purifoy, the 19-year-old who mistakenly pooped in a Civic he thought was his girlfriend's, is joining the Army. But we will remember him fondly, for his immortal words upon being discovered by the car's real owner in the backseat:

If you're attractive and/or a girl, this doesn't apply to you. But the rest you, meaning those who poop, listen up: Your pooping technique is incorrect, a groundbreaking story reveals. You've been sitting on toilets, which gives you diseases.

How lazy are Americans? So lazy we're in search of an easier way to wipe our butts. Meet the "Easy Reach Bathroom Tissue Holder." It adjusts the toilet paper to be closer to you.

In related news, 1 in 10 young people are terrible at sex. [via AdAge]