• Paula Abdul definitely got the invite to be a judge on Dancing With The Stars, and also as a guest star or contestant. Reports the NY Daily News: "ABC Entertainment President Steve McPherson said Saturday he called her right after he heard about her exit from Fox's "American Idol" to say she'd be welcome anytime on ABC's "Dancing with the Stars." This is in addition to the offer she got from the British guy on So You Think You Can Dance. I haven't watched American Idol since they stopped summarily executing the losers, but can someone tell me if Paula Abdul is actually coherent enough to take one of these jobs? I always assumed she still has to be wrangled by a group of handlers who keep on feeding her Sour Skittles and telling her that SkatKat's coming to get her if she doesn't show up to work, but again, I'm not completely up to speed on these things. If true, however, how unfair is it that someone who fights the effects of gravity daily in a Herculean struggle to stand up (which sounds like it could be a Paula Abdul song) actually sit around judging how someone dances? That'd be like having me be the deciding vote at next year's Pulitzer ceremony. [NYDN]
  
  
• Jessica Simpson is apparently training for the Coyboys' Hell Week or something to get back at Tony Romo by being really thin. She's going about this all wrong. The best way to get back at Tony Romo is to keep showing up at his football games. For the uneducated, Simpson had the unique skill of being able to make him throw the football in the exact opposite place it's supposed to go (in some circles, this is referred to as "cooling" or "fucking up one's mojo"). Seriously. Someone buy this woman season tickets. [Page Six]
  
  
• Cheech Marin got married! And the wedding cake was actually shaped and functioned as a gigantic gravity bong! Oh, just kidding, but you'd believe it, wouldn't you? So would I. [People]
  
  
• Rush & Molloy's big item of the week is a snoozer about Bloomberg. Get this: he used to think less of Obama than he does now, thought he'd make a better president, likes to say "fuck" a lot, and likes shiksa girlfriends. Where'd they get all this incredible information? Bloomberg's friends. Crazy talk! Meanwhile, people have opinions, egomaniacs always think they can do better than someone else at anything, everybody says "fuck" a lot, and Jewish dudes love dating The Goyim mostly because it freaks their overbearing mothers out. Mazel, Mike. [R & M]
  
  
• Ha, was Joe Jonas dumped?!? Asks Page Six today in which case someone's going to need a SWAT unit to protect them because a bunch of teenage girls are about to come at your face with the burning fury of a thousand suns and then some. [Page Six]
  
  
• Kelsey Grammar says his heart attack gave him a way to "re-tool" his life. What was so wrong with it in the first place? [Reuters]
  
  
• Some writer at E! has a conspiracy theory that Vanessa Hudgens' nude shots were leaked recently to drum up publicity for her new film, to which I say: Vanessa who has a new film? Guess it didn't work. Maybe make her jump through a burning hula-hoop or something. Or send us a press release. Or make her eat toast. [E!]
  
  
• More denial by Will and Jada Pinkett Smith about whether or not they're Scientologists and whether or not they fired the principal of their new Scientology school. [Page Six]
  
  
• Former child actor Mark Lester says that he's the father of Michael Jackson's child Paris. He says he's coming forward now out of concern for the welfare and well-being of the children, and that he wants to take the paternity test. The knee-jerk reaction to this kind of thing is now?! Actually, that's more or less just the full-on reaction. And why can't this guy "come out" in a more private space? Does everyone have to get a bullhorn and start screaming about how they "gave Michael my sperm so that he could have kids," now? (Actual Quote). Anyway, his film career is basically him playing "Oliver" so don't go looking too deeply through that IMDB page when you get around to it, nothing really interesting there unless you count the fact that the dude inseminated Michael Jackson's baby mama and he was a child star, ahem. [NYDN]
  
  
• Cry-alert: Jerry Orbach's widow says she talks to her deceased husband every day in what might be the most bittersweet Page Six item I've ever read. [Page Six]
  
  
• Simon Cowell's ex-girlfriend Terri Seymour won't get back with him, and isn't saying why. Not because he's an asshole, maybe? I don't know, Cowell doesn't seem like the worst dude in the world to me. I'd sincerely like there to be some kind of investigation into this. Maybe it has something to do with those gawdawful black shirts. Or maybe his pillow-talk? You just didn't give enough, Terri. I'm afraid a second go at it is going to be a no. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• E! scored an exclusive interview with Jon Gosselin, and it's going live tomorrow night, the evening after Kate goes on the Today Show. Think of this as the Katie Couric/Sarah Palin of braindead celebrity journalism. [E!]
  
  
• Gerard Butler likes dumb women, and I like Gerard Butler. Not necessarily because he likes dumb women, but because he has no reservations about saying so. Good on him; shamelessness is an underrated virtue. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Chris Brown wants to drop a track with Leona Lewis. Insert obvious "Bleeding Love" joke here. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Via E!, here's video of Lady Gaga performing an all-piano version of Poker Face with an Elephant on her head. No indication about whether or not she's hiding a weenus somewhere under there. Meanwhile, officials note she is still the most patently ridiculous person ever, and we should elect her the Mayor of Savantland. Happy Sunday.

Statement: "At some point everyone is gonna find out. So, I guess its time to let the cat is out of the bag. We didn't want to talk about this before we actually heard it because its a once in a lifetime experience. We've announced a couple of guests on the record but "I wish you luck with a capital F" is just one of the thousands of genius ideas thought up by Elvis Costello and he's gonna be singing on Folie a Deux. this isn't a typical appearance as he's alongside the guys in a couple of the decaydance bands on the song. Either way this has been an amazing experience for fall out boy as he is one of our heroes, especially so for patrick. We can't wait for you to have the chance to hear it."

Question: Okay, I don't know much about current music. Nothing, actually. But I've been led to understand over the last few years that Fall Out Boy sucks. Is that not true? Have I been misinformed? It was funny when Costello popped up in Talladega Nights, but this? What shit is this? [AbsolutePunk]

You have mercilessly beaten out your friends, your girlfriends, your boyfriends, your brothers, your sisters and every one you have loved...

Try everything once: Pilates, squash, open mic night, tantric sex. What do you have to lose? When you risk everything, you have anything to gain...

Laws are nothing but restrictions: break every one you possibly can...

Pain is weakness leaving the body. That ache in your muscles? The ripped papers? The taste of blood on your lips? The broken condom? The fatigue in your bones? Those are the victories. Life is a beautiful game and you sure as hell are winning...

Boys and Girls, there are no rules to this game. Someone crosses you? It’s BURN BITCH BURN...

This is the death of dynasty. The authorities may make the rules, they may think they have control, but we cannot forget we are Princeton. We are her blood and her bile. And we are the generation they have never seen before.

We are the anti-Christs to save the world from the mercy of God, the self-pity that festers within the masses. Religion is the opiate of the masses, so drug them until they are nothing but slaves at your will. You have deserved this. You are Hitler the fourth, Alexander the Great the Second, Napoleon the Fifth, here to destroy the world we know.

The (presumably Ivy League) commenters on IvyGate can't decide if Stephany is a prankster who infiltrated the Princeton 2012 group or if she's a hero because she lacks "success guilt," LOL.

But it's kind of great that she's repositioning Princeton as a kind of Madrassa for extremist, hyper-hedonistic secular humanism rather than an institution of higher learning. Because, for many students, that's basically what it is, no?

[IvyGate]

[via Videogum]

1. [The shirt] is not intentionally ironic; it's really meant to promote a local karate studio.
2. The juxtaposition between the intensity of the photo and the matter-a-fact-ness of the typeset.
3. It is truly new old stock, probably silkscreened 15 years ago
4. It's more limited edition than any tee shirt I've ever known or something.

Please, please stop talking John Mayer. Your many pretend boyfriends/girlfriends should not have to see you trying this hard.

[John Mayer via Animal]

[MDolla]

Of course, Griffin (Is she funny? Is she annoying?) has been dating Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak since last year and even discussed their sex life on Larry King, inspiring daymares across the nation for weeks. The couple were also recently featured in Us Weekly claiming they're "so in love"!

Expect this outing to be addressed in Griffin's next stand-up act, which we imagine will go something like: "Oh please, people. Like I would unclamp my vadge from Wozzie's peen long enough to go have sex with Adnan? Let me tell you, I'm never letting this guy go. Literally. I've been doing my Kegels to keep him inside me. He couldn't leave if he tried. You know what I'm saying, ladies? Gays, I'm talking to you! Heeeeeey!!!" [gays collapse into hysterics]