The Popestagram Hath Arrived To Deliver the Word to Thine iPhone
This is all part of a journey, said the Pope on Twitter, inviting the slack-jawed and glaze-eyed masses to follow him, simply with a heart-shaped “fave.”
Donald Trump’s New Enemy, Pope Francis, Is Going to Have to Answer to ISIS
If there’s one thing Donald Trump loves, it’s his smokin’ hot daughter Ivanka. But if there are two things Donald Trump loves, the second is most definitely drama. Trump’s latest source? None other than the Holy Father himself: Cool Pope Francis.
A Pope Fangirl Shouldn’t Report on the Pope
Nobody in journalism really knows exactly what’s ethical or unethical, but a standard that we could perhaps come to some sort of consensus on is if a reporter is moved to the point of tears by a person, she shouldn’t write about that person in her capacity as an impartial news reporter.
Crowd Waiting For Pope Boos When Donald Trump Appears Instead
Just as the Pope was touching down in New York City on Thursday, Donald Trump was peeking his feathered head over a railing to a rousing chorus of boos.
Bless Her Sole: CNN Accidentally Catches Woman Plotting to Throw Shoe at the Pope
One D.C. woman is surely hell-bound after CNN’s livefeed caught audio of her discussing a desire to throw her shoe at Pope Francis’s head before his address to Congress Thursday.
Christ, Where's My iPhone? Pope Francis Ruins Apple Shipments in New York
The so-called “cool” pope has done an extremely uncool thing this week and timed his first-ever visit to New York with the launch of Apple’s newest phone, which is now delayed.
Cool Pope to Allow Women Who Have Had Abortions into Heaven (For One Year)
Cool Pope Francis announced today that for one year only, the “Jubilee Year of Mercy,” coming to a soul in you on December 8, priests may forgive contrite women who have had an abortion. “Couldn’t they already do that?” you might be wondering. Hey, guess what—NO!!!!
Cool Pope Names Diverse New Set of Cardinals from All Over the Globe
Living up to his unofficial reign name, Cool Pope Francis announced 15 new cardinals from all over the world today, including many developing countries like Vietnam, Panama and Cape Verde.
Cool Pope Celebrates Birthday by Buying Homeless People Sleeping Bags
Wednesday was the Cool Pope's 78th birthday. What do you think he did to celebrate? Get a few strippers? Eat a pile of molly? Cry to himself silently over a bottle of Grappa about a life lived unfulfilled? No. He bought homeless Romans 400 sleeping bags.
Cool Pope Just Making Stuff Up About Heaven Now
It is becoming increasingly clear that Cool Pope "Francis" (a nickname)—though he is certainly cool and wacky and generally chill—is just making stuff up as he goes along. Do dogs go to heaven? Sure, why not?
Pope Francis Begs for Forgiveness From Sex Abuse Victims at Vatican
Pope Francis met with six victims of sex abuse in the Catholic Church on Monday. Before the meeting, the pope's first with victims of sexual abuse and the first any pope has held at the Vatican, Francis reportedly begged for forgiveness during a private mass.
Catholic Church Hastens to Reassure Everyone the Pope Is a Capitalist
Cool new Pope, "Francis" (not his real name), has won lots of new fans for pointing out the exploitative and rapacious nature of global capitalism. The Catholic Church would like to assure you the Pope is not a commie. He loves the free market!
Pope Francis Is So Goth He Steals Stuff From Dead People's Coffins
Pope Francis is straight O.G.: Original Goth. Show him some mercy, and he'll grab the bling right off your dead carcass and wear it in a pouch next to his skin for all time. Really:
Pope Francis Blesses Porn Actor's Parrot
When an Italian porn star brought his parrot named Amore to see Pope Francis on Wednesday, the pope treated the green bird with the dignity and respect owed to any parrot. The bird received a papal blessing.
Satanists Blamed For Theft of Pope's Blood
A vial of holy blood belonging to the dead pope John Paul II was stolen from a tiny church in the mountains east of Rome, and an Italian anti-occult organization says the blood was likely taken for Satanic rituals.
Evil Triumphs: Satanic Birds Attack Pope's Peace Doves
In the Vatican earlier today, two peace doves were viciously attacked by a crow and a seagull when they were set free by Pope Francis from a window at Apostolic Palace. We've spent countless years of our precious time on this planet debating over whether evil would triumph over good, whether the Dementors would…
Pople Drank: What's Up With Pope Francis and His Pipe Thing?
Pope Francis is a different kind of pontiff, a friendly and humble Jesuit who loves to hang out on the corner with his people. But what's that bowl-pipe thing he carries around and frequently takes a hit off? It's a mate cup with a silver straw. And it's how you drink the caffeine-loaded "national infusion" of…
Liquidate the Catholic Church
The new Pope, Francis: great guy. He loves the poor. He's cool with atheists. He's even pretty chill about gay marriage and abortions. Yesterday's photos of him embracing a severely disfigured man were genuinely touching. Still, the best thing that this nice Pope could do would be to dismantle the Catholic Church.
Vatican Misspells 'Jesus' on Thousands of Commemorative Medals
Thousands of commemorative medals issued by the Vatican to celebrate Pope Francis’s first year of papacy had to be withdrawn this week over a typo. It seems the Vatican misspelled "Jesus."
