“Pope Francis does not just criticize the excesses of global capitalism. He compares them to the ‘dung of the devil.’ He does not simply argue that systemic ‘greed for money’ is a bad thing. He calls it a ‘subtle dictatorship’ that ‘condemns and enslaves men and women.’”
Cool Pope “Francis” (a nickname) in a speech yesterday “called the unfettered pursuit of money ‘the dung of the devil.’” Damn—now that’s a cool Pope.
Two Catholic Bishops Quit In the Wake of Child Sex Abuse Scandal
Pope Francis accepted the resignations of two U.S. Catholic bishops today in the wake of a child sex abuse scandal in St. Paul, Minnesota. Archbishop John C. Nienstedt and Auxillary Bishop Lee A. Piché have quit their posts after Minnesota prosecutors charged the archdiocese with the “mishandling of repeated…
Rick Santorum Is This Close to Beating the Pope's Ass
Rick Santorum—a rust-belted Pittsburgher who has embraced the Petrine church ever since he stopped being pro-choice in his first congressional election—is smeared in penitence and frothy with faith, and he will show this pontiff who’s supreme.
Pope Trying-Too-Hard Claims He Hasn't Watched TV in 25 Years
According to Buzzfeed, Pope Francis—who really, really, really wants you to think he’s cool—told Argentine newspaper La Voz Del Pueblo this week that he, like, doesn’t even own a TV.
Pope Canonizes Two 19th-Century Palestinian Nuns
On Sunday, Pope Francis canonized two 19th-century nuns from what was then Palestine, the Associated Press reports. The canonization was attended by some 2,000 pilgrims from the region, as well as Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas.
Start Answering All Your Phone Calls—The Pope Might Be Calling
Listen: If you get a phone call, and the guy on the other line says something to the effect of, “Hey, it’s me, the Pope,” do not immediately hang up. It could actually be him!
Allegedly Cool Pope Still Uncool with Gays Getting Married or Adopting
Pope Francis, the chill pontiff celebrated for his interest in helping the poor and not fucking up the Earth, put the "Pope" back in "Cool Pope" on Wednesday, endorsing a referendum in Slovakia that would ban same-sex couples from marrying or adopting children.
Pope Flashes Cool as Hell Satanic Gang Sign on Philippines Tour
Cool Pope Francis has been edgy ever since he was named god's representative on Earth, but with a stylishly rebellious hand sign he flashed last week in the Philippines, he broke new ground. What devilish gesture is Francis displaying alongside Cardinal Luis Antonio Tagle in the photo above? A gang sign? Satanic heavy…
Cool Pope Francis Keeps It Real About Man's Stewardship of the Earth
Pope Francis, at the end of his week-long tour through Asia, delivered a speech Sunday morning at a Manila university in which he declared that man has a God-given responsibility to protect the environment, The New York Times reports. In shirking that duty we betray God.
Not-So-Cool Pope: "One Cannot Insult Other People's Faith"
Man, I thought you were cool.
Cool Pope Just Making Stuff Up About Heaven Now
It is becoming increasingly clear that Cool Pope "Francis" (a nickname)—though he is certainly cool and wacky and generally chill—is just making stuff up as he goes along. Do dogs go to heaven? Sure, why not?
Cool Pope Says Evolution Is Real, God Not a Magician With a Magic Wand
Cool Pope Francis, Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Jesus Christ, Successor of the Prince of the Apostles, Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, possessor of truly Jadenesque follower count, acknowledged today that evolution and the Big Bang thoery are real, and that God is not "a magician with a magic wand."
Catholic Synod Debates Homosexuality Without Reaching Consensus
A meeting of Catholic clergy in Vatican City over the past two weeks has ended without a consensus on acceptance of homosexuality. A draft released last week of the report on the meeting on family issues contained contentious language at bishops have spent the week walking back.
Conservative Catholics Call Bishops' Gay Acceptance "Homoheresy"
The Catholic Church reached a huge milestone today when bishops declared that gay partnerships have value and that LGBT people have plenty of "gifts" to offer the church. Even though gay marriage is still off the table, conservative Catholic groups are pissed.
Cool Pope Supports Using Force to Stop ISIS in Iraq
Cool Pope Francis confirmed today that it is acceptable for the U.S. to use force in Iraq in order to protect religious minorities. He explained to the Associated Press:
Pope Francis: Kids These Days Waste Too Much of Their Time Online
While addressing 50,000 German altar servers visiting the Vatican today, Pope Francis implored them to cool it with all the internet use. "Maybe many young people waste too many hours on futile things," he said.
"I beg you, stop. I ask you with all my heart," Pope Francis beseeched humanity about its incessant strife today, the 100th anniversary of the beginning of the First World War. "Everything is lost with war, nothing is lost with peace." And Israel and Gaza and Russia and Ukraine were all "Ehhhhh FUCK that guy."
Cool Pope Stops Car on Highway to Bless Disabled Woman
Perhaps to make up for his uncool stance on legalizing weed, Pope Francis ordered his driver to stop his car on Saturday so he could bless a disabled woman and her family, who were waiting alongside the highway for the pope to pass
