ITEM ONE: Bucky Turco, the Hipster Grifter's official prison pen pal, is now also pen pals with Jerzy Mitchell, who is Kari Ferrell's cell mate. He posted a letter from her today. Go read it or you will be slightly less prepared when the Hipster Grifter Jeopardy category shows up.

ITEM TWO: Burning Angel's Joanna Angel says that she would be very enthusiastic about engaging in conjugal relations with Kari, on video. So. Just something to consider.

Allison Viva, president of "adult entertainment studio Pink Visual," woke up this morning thinking that the Gingrich PAC "American Solutions For Winning the Future" was rewarding her for her impressive business acumen and American can-do spirit. Then someone from the PAC called her up and told her that she would not actually get to enjoy a private dinner at the Capitol Club with the former majority leader himself. Sad!

According to the notice from ASWF, should Vivas attend a private dinner scheduled to occur Oct. 7 at the historic Capitol Hill Club, she will "dine privately with Newt," who will then take the occasion to present Vivas with her "well deserved award" and pose for a photo with her.

The notice from ASWF also informed Vivas that Gingrich is "looking forward to finally meeting [Vivas] face to face – and get[ting] your thoughts on Cap and Trade and Obama's Tax Policy."

Vivas expressed her intention to use the occasion as a chance to educate the former Speaker about issues pertinent to her industry.

Yes, right, that's what everyone said, and so on.

I had no idea the Amish were so nasty. But according to the WSJ, books featuring shy Amish ladies befriending handsome non-Amish men—encounters which can sometimes lead to kissing before betrothal—are flying off the the motherfucking racks of the country stores.

Beverly Lewis, who sets her novels among the Amish in Pennsylvania, has sold 13.5 million copies of her books. Wanda Brunstetter's novels take place in Amish communities in Ohio, Indiana, Missouri and Pennsylvania, and have sold more than four million copies...
Barnes & Noble book buyer Jane Love said Amish novels currently account for 15 of the chain's top 100 religious fiction titles. "It's almost like you put a person with a bonnet or an Amish field in the background and it automatically starts to sell well," Ms. Love said.

This shit is even hotter than Tumblr books! Hey Naomi Wolf, A Cultural History of the Vagina? Less vaginas, more bonnets.

Ms. Nielsen runs a porn site called GodsGirls, and no, it doesn't prominently feature BARELY LEGAL CHOIR CHICKS, though surely, there's one out there that does. GodsGirls is an "alt-porn" site (read: tattooed, pierced hipsters, often with asymmetrical and/or dyed hair, nekkid) that also has a social networking component to it! Genius. Per the site's FAQ:

"What the fuck is this site?"

godsgirls.com is an alt porn/alt erotica site with a lot of really really amazing, 100 percent exclusive pictures that you can't see anywhere else. the ladies are very lovely and some of them have tattoos and piercings and rebellious haircuts. it also features a community set up to act as a place for the wonderful sort of people who might subscribe to this site to get to know one another and exchange telephone numbers and jokes and funny websites and maybe even get married and have a family and then we could run a sweet commercial featuring happy love connections made between site members like the ones you see for jdate or eharmony or whatever. wouldn't that be fantastic? or you can just talk about boobs and politics because meeting people from the internet is dangerous and scary.

Yes! Like J-Date, except for non-denominational fans of pierced people porn. Like-minded folks, as it goes. And why do we think Ms. Nielsen won? Let's turn to her Twitter—which sounds naughty, but it isn't!—as pointed out to us by our friend Igor at (the mildly NSFW) Driven By Boredom:

Sure sounds like a winner to me. Also: the winner's from San Gabriel, which is where Nielsen supposedly hails from.

Notably, Nielsen's last Tweet came in around fourteen hours ago, which doesn't look to be the typical output by her. If you won the lottery, you think you'd be on Twitter today? Sorry Evan and Biz, but your consolation prize is that you've had your first life-changing lottery winner liveblog! Maybe she'll throw you a buck.

In the event this does turn out to be true, we wish America's Newest Multimillionare a fruitful life henceforth with all the cold, hard cash she's gonna have. Of course, for her sake, we (A) hope she's right and (B) gets someone good to tell her what to do with it in lieu of circumventing the common ruin a windfall of money can bring. In the mean time, all of you hardworking, morally rigid suckers can get back to work (and dreaming). Today, the universe apparently enjoys the business of naked girls more than whatever you do. Sorry.

Update: Well, we had a question, we got an answer: she didn't win. Tragedy and the power of social networking! We were rooting for her, too. The universe isn't down with porn enough to merit giving one of its burgeoning businesswomen a windfall of cash, it appears. On the plus side, we've narrowed down the field of possible Mega Millions winners by one. Someone in San Gabriel: you still have a chance!

Her name is Lisa Ann (who also played Sarah Palin), and she leads a bunch of adult actors doing very good impersonations of Tracy Morgan, Alec Baldwin, Jane Krakowski and the rest of the gang. While we haven't seen any of the naked action, what comes between the scenes is dead-on. If the actors can get that right, than delivering a relentless rogering should be easy. Oh, and wait for "I'm a black robot, motherfucker," to be on a T-shirt in Times Square by the end of next week. If you want to buy the movie, click here [NSFW, unless you work in a strip club].

This new movie is the latest in a long line of smutty features based on beloved TV shows. How did this happen? Well, porn producers figured out that people like prepackaged commodities and that if they made these parodies, then people like us would write about them and give them free advertising. Damn, trapped again! But this one appears really worth it. We're not falling into this trap again for The Fucks of Life.

Obviously, you're about to embark into some mildly NSFW territory, though there's no actual "action" in these teaser clips, and the most vulgar thing about these are the language in them. The TMSleaze (website NSFW) tributes are, quite frankly, very well played, maybe with the exception of Tono Romo's jersey reading HOMO, but hey, that's porn for you. Maybe TMSleaze isn't Pulitzer-worthy, but this could at least be considered for a Peabody, or something. It's one of the more intelligent, current satires out there, and yes, it's a porn and mostly alludes to sex. But we should all feel upstaged: they took their position as a specific commodity on a moral battleground, and leveraged it into post-modernism. The porn industry calling TMZ sleazy is, whatever you think of the porn industry, an interesting statement. I await their parody of Gawker Media with baited breath. Do enjoy, and thank you Gawker Video Deity Richard Blakeley for the tip.

Meet Messica Simpleton and Boney Homo. I think the TMSleaze reporters call them the Texas Poboys. There's also an allusion to Terrell Owens, who's not given a name. There's also fried chicken involved.

In our second video, there's Lamey Swinehouse. She's drunk and bouncing a ball on the floor and screaming about fish and chips. The paparazzi decide to leave her to her own device, deciding that "this is just sad."

In clip three, you'll meet Spender and Hiney, from "that show...that bullshit show," and as everyone knows "they've got a sex tape, or they're going to put out a sex tape," or something. Photogs ask Spender and Hiney if they can take shots of them, and Spender asks them if they're going to "be on the cover" (get it, they're not in print?). The photog says "sure," and they allow the TMSleaze paps to snap away. After letting them know that two other "characters" have made a sex tape - LC and Bony - Spender and Hiney decide that they need to make a sex tape, too, there and on the spot. Note TMSleaze's accurate depiction of Spencer Pratt's creepy flesh-colored beard.

"Somewhere in America," shouts Ron Jeremy, "there's a really exciting story. But I doubt if anyone in this room's gonna find it!" This Joseph Campbell-esque insight leads to Slimin' - whose bad faux-British accent is reminiscent of Simon Cowell's - and a studio executive arguing. "Shut up you prattling little ninny, or I will retain your ass as a black man and and shine my Tony Lamas in your rectum." Cut to some woman writhing about a couch, licking Slimin's jeans. This is, presumably, Paula Abdul. Her handler walks in the room, and begins arguing about their differences in pay. Honestly, who is writing these? Maybe we do need to ring up Sig Gissler right fucking now.

Finally, meet Feminem and Linda Blowhand, who is with child. She's under the assumption that Feminem is the father of her child. Feminem is rapping in the studio, and uses the word "illin" in one of his raps. He's with an African American co-worker - possibly his producer, possibly someone resembling Dr. Dre - who lets Feminem know that "illin" is outdated nomenclature. "You keep spittin' that weak, people gonna know you whitebred," he warns him. He gets assaulted by Linda Blowhand, who asks him why he hasn't called. "Are you high? Are you tweakin' right now?" Feminem asks her. "What do you think I am? You think I'm your little diamond oven whore?" she screams back. She then reminds him that the "lady" - presumably a reference to Samantha Ronson - "isn't cuttin' it in the orgasm department." Feminem then inquires if it'd be okay for him to "come in you since you're already pregnant," which upsets her. "Hell no, I don't want fuckin' twins!" she assaults him.

The book went to press within 48 hours after the King of Pop's death, and rocketed to number one on the New York Times bestseller list last week. Hastily thrown together, Unmasked is rife with typos and questionable "anonymous sources." Shoddy, shady, and sleazy, I think I read it almost as quickly as author Ian Halperin typed it up.

Halperin claims that he started the project a while back because he was out to prove, once and for all, that Michael Jackson was a pedophile, but in his research, discovered that he was not. (The resulting work is pretty biased, but some evidence presented makes for some decent-albeit comparatively crude-rebuttals to Maureen Orth's thorough and persuasive reporting on Michael Jackson for Vanity Fair.)

Much has been made of Jackson's infamous sleepovers with young boys at his Neverland Ranch, and Mark Ronson, along with his friend Sean Lennon, participated in some of them. One anecdote of Ronson's - which he originally told on a British TV show - appears in the book:

We used to watch the porn channel because we were like, ten, and, 'Oh my God, tits!' So Michael was in bed. And me and Sean said, 'Michael, do you want to see something cool?' We turned the dial to the porn channel and there were strippers shaking their tits around. We were like, 'Michael, Michael, how cool is this?' We turned around and he was cringing, saying, 'Ooh, stop it, stop it, ooh, it's so silly.' We were like, 'Michael, you have to look, maybe you're not seeing it right, it's naked girls!' He was not down with the program whatsoever! I think he had really strong feminist views on porn.

He's cute. Anyway, while the story doesn't prove that Michael always behaved appropriately around his young guests, it does kind of point to something that I always thought: He was probably gay. Halperin thinks so, too. In fact, in his book, Halperin actually claims that Michael hit on him at a pizza parlor (more on that in sec).

Halperin claimed to have spoken to two of Michael's "gay lovers." (Redundant term!) One was a "Hollywood waiter, the other an aspiring actor." He claims to have seen photos "corroborating" the relationships. The best bit comes from "Lawrence," the actor:

He was very shy, but when he started to have sex, he was insatiable. He was a bottom, but he was so thin, I worried that I would break him. The very first time he blew me, he said, 'The King of Pop's going to lick your lollipop.' I still laugh thinking about that.

Me too.

One of Halperin's sources was supposedly someone who worked in Jackson's camp. The source tipped him off that Jackson and his children were going to a Hollywood pizza parlor, so Halperin "got in [his] hairdresser's disguise" and sped over there. Of the encounter Halperin said:

We talked about old Hollywood movies and hairstyles, which I had researched for months before I took on this undercover persona. Michael went on and on about the Hollywood hairstyles of the silver screen during the forties and fifties. 'No one has come along with such class and style since Deborah Kerr, Dorothy Lamour, and Susan Hayward,' he said…At one point during our conversation at the pizza joint, Jackson put his hand over mine. I then wondered if the singer was hitting on me. After staring at me for over a minute in complete silence, he told me my blue eyes reminded him of Frank Sinatra…It was one of the most intense moments I have ever experienced looking into another man's eyes.

This was also good:

I had been trying to persuade [Jackson] to change his look to a platinum blond wig with a streak of ocean-blue down the middle.

But my absolute favorite passage was in regards to Liza Minnelli. After failing to score an interview with Jackson's best friend Elizabeth Taylor, Halperin, again, went undercover as a gay hairdresser, and hung out at a dance rehearsal studio he knew Liza frequented, cornered her, and told her he had been Ava Gardner's hair and makeup artist before she died. That was the clincher, and Liza invited him to hang out with her in the back room of the studio, where she shared a joint with him and some other dancers. Despite the fact that she was stoned, Liza didn't really give up any of the goods on Jackson, but she still sounds like a fun hang:

I told her that Ava was a huge fan of Jackson and used to practice some of his dance moves. At that, she let out a trademark Liza Minnelli laugh. It proved to be infectious…especially after Liza stood up and did an impression of Ava Gardner attempting to moonwalk.

Yes CNBC, fresh from being shamed to the nth degree in recent months for the vigorous handjob they pass for coverage of the financial firms that brought a mightly nation to the brink of collapse, ran a special, "Porn, the Business of Pleasure," last night, and the ratings are in! Looks like a score for CNBC.

According to Nielsen, CNBC, which aired the one hour special at 9pm and repeated it again at 10pm, scored 1,063,000 viewers in the 25-64 age range over the two prime time hours, which was dramatically up from the 232,000 viewers in the same combined time slots on Tuesday, an increase of almost 500%. Hey, ratings baby! Score!

So what did CNBC uncover in their "investigation?" Allow us to run down the highlights:

• The porn industry was birthed in the early 1970s by this movie called Deep Throat. It was shot for $25,000 and made millions.
  
  
• Throughout the 80s and 90s, coinciding with the proliferation of VCRs and DVD players, porn flourished as people could enjoy it in the privacy of their own homes. Many people in the industry became very wealthy.
  
  
• Nowadays, the internet is crimping porn's style, what with online pirating and all. What will they do to survive? Nobody knows.
  
  
• There's this one porn star named Sasha Grey who just starred in a "mainstream" film. She'd like to "crossover" more, but it's going to be hard, what with the gangbangs she's been filmed doing and all.
  
  
• There's this other porn star named Jesse Jane. She lives in Oklahoma City, like a "real American," and lives her life like a "normal" wife and mother. She could be sitting next to you in a PTA meeting!
  
  
• Throughout the program, scenes from porno movies were shown with the naughty bits blurred out, of course.
  
  
  And that was about it. The whole thing didn't really provide any information that the average person couldn't get off of Wikipedia. Here's a snippet from the program last night.
  
  
  

  Congratulations CNBC. You are a complete fucking joke.

Seriously, the writing in adult films has gone to hell. Where have all the great porn screenwriters of yesteryear gone? What scourge against humanity, against everything that is righteous and good, could possibly compel humans to alter their porn consumption habits to the point that it becomes more viable economically for porn production companies to skip the dialogue and get straight to the boinking? Anyone have any guesses?

The actress known as Savanna Samson once relished preparing for a role. "I couldn't wait to get my next script," she said.

There's no reason to look at them anymore, she said, because her movies now call almost exclusively for action. Specifically, sex.

The pornographic movie industry has long had only a casual interest in plot and dialogue. But moviemakers are focusing even less on narrative arcs these days. Instead, they are filming more short scenes that can be easily uploaded to Web sites and sold in several-minute chunks.

"On the Internet, the average attention span is three to five minutes," said Steven Hirsch, co-chairman of Vivid Entertainment. "We have to cater to that."

Ahhhh, the internet, of course! Damn you stupid internet—You ruin everything!

Lights, Camera, Lots of Action. Forget the Script [New York Times]
pic of Sasha Gray and Belladonna via Fleshbot

The upgrade looks like a brazen publicity stunt; Apple told Time last year it would ban adult content from official applications. Assuming that position hasn't changed, Hottest Girls could soon be pulled from the app store and even, if Apple elects to do so, yanked from iPhones where it is now installed.

If it permitted to stay —Apple is now allowing NC-17 games, after all — expect a flurry of "innovation." While porn has long been available through the iPhone's Safari browser, publishers haven't even begun to explore the possibilities of being able to use the device's touch screen interface. Apple has the opportunity to change the world again; it just needs to seize it.

LA health officials disclosed last week that there have been 22 cases of HIV in the porn industry in the past five years, which is just vague enough to convince everyone that anyone could be a victim. Now, they're telling porn flick makers: if your actors say they're STD-free, don't believe them. Even if they have a doctor's note:

"If you do not see a name of a person you wish to shoot on the [test results database], don't use them, or at least call our office," said Sharon Mitchell, co-founder of the Adult Industry Medical Healthcare Foundation, in a statement released Monday. She also said not to rely on paper certificates, "even if it looks like an original."

This would seem to imply a real risk that porn actors are forging clean test results, which actually is scary. [LAT]

UPDATE: As a counterpoint, check out this press release from the Adult Industry Medical Healthcare Foundation, which says HIV testing in the porn industry is extremely thorough, and this AVN story, which analyzes exactly who those 22 positive tests were, and makes the case that the situation is far less dire than it sounds.

James Auchincloss (pictured, with munchkin), the 62 year-old half-brother of Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis, is currently under investigation for child porn in Oregon. Police found a huge stash of pictures in his home, allegedly. A little local paper broke the story, and you could just feel the Post's palpable silence—heavy, building, breathy. Turns out they've been hard at work! They got three scoops in this nasty story.

1. Jackie Kennedy didn't want Auchincloss around JFK Jr., because he "showed an unusual obsession" for him when he was seven years old.

2. Auchincloss apologized to members of his church for the child porn thing, which sounds like a confession.

3. Details about his porn stash that you could have done without:

The pictures included shots of a young Ron Howard, Ricky Schroeder, Jonathan Taylor Thomas and Dylan and Cole Sprouse of "The Suite Life of Zack & Cody." There were also multimedia slideshows — set to rousing John Philip Sousa band marches — featuring the celeb pictures along with young boys at a local Fourth of July parade.

The New York Post is the early favorite for the 2009 Pulitzer Prize for PORN PERVS.
[NYP]

Los Angeles County health officials said Thursday that at least 16 additional unpublicized cases of HIV have been confirmed in adult film performers.

The newly released data bring the number of HIV cases in porn performers in the last five years to 22, including the case disclosed this week.

In 2004, a porn star named Darren James shut down the entire porn industry for a month after he infected three of his co-stars with HIV. Health advocates are using this new disclosure as an opportunity to push for mandatory condoms in all porn shoots. The porn industry responds, collectively, "No." Although:

Since 2004, 2,378 people who identified themselves as adult film industry performers have tested positive for chlamydia in Los Angeles County. An additional 1,357 tested positive for gonorrhea and 15 for syphilis, according to data released Thursday by the county's health department.

What is porn about if not safety and health?
[LAT]

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.Respected Israel newspaper Haaretz did something different on June 10: they had their reporters take the day off, and they "sent 31 of Israel's finest authors and poets to cover the day's news." How'd that go?

The TV review by Eshkol Nevo opened with these words: "I didn't watch TV yesterday." And the weather report was a poem by Roni Somek, titled "Summer Sonnet."

As expected.

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.The Boston Globe is spending up to a million bucks on an ad campaign to promote itself, even as it's cutting tens of millions from its budget. Yea, ad people will tell you it's an investment that will pay for itself, blah blah. We're not so sure. How about running a million bucks worth of ads in the Boston Globe, then? Bigger news hole, too! Oh and more Boston people are interested in maybe buying it.

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.Tomorrow is the one-year anniversary of Tim Russert's death. Read some reminiscences from his pals, here. He was not so bad compared to the current menu of options.

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.AVN Media, the king of porn industry trade magazines, is consolidating four of its six monthly magazines into one. Let's hope Novelty Business Magazine is not finished—in these times, Americans need novelty more than ever. Especially the children.

Compared to the average beer ad with a porn angle, this is Citizen Kane. [via Adrants]

Auchincloss (pictured on the right, with munchkin on left) shares a mother with Jackie O, but has a different father. He's lived a relatively quiet life in Ashland, Oregon for almost 15 years. But last October, police were tipped off that he and a friend had a stash of child porn; the investigation is ongoing (computer data mining issues are involved), but the accusations are pretty stank:

In an Oct. 17, 2008, affidavit for a search warrant, Det. Arthur LeCours with the Ashland Police Department said he found photographs in booklets and on carousel slides of naked, 7- to 16-year-old boys in sexual poses at Auchincloss' home...

In addition, two Ashland residents, Eddy McManus and Karl Iverson, told the Daily Tidings that they saw Auchincloss and Vickoren viewing child porn on a computer in Auchincloss' home, located in the 700 block of Benjamin Court, last summer.

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.The cops also think Auchincloss has "taken photographs of clothed children locally," but he's not judged to be an "immediate threat," so he's free and uncharged so far as the investigation continues. He was turned in by his personal assistant. Caroline Kennedy is his half-niece. In case you were wondering. His denials do not seem particularly vociferous:

He didn't refute LeCours' statements in the affidavit concerning the child pornography found at his home, but said the situation was a matter of privacy.

"I think the point has to be, 'Is there a manner of being predators? Is there a manner of encouraging sex abuse by offering money or being in that trade?' And none of that is true," he said.

Oh well, "His willingness to talk about famous relatives has made him something of a persona non grata in Kennedy circles over the years." They must be pretty close to cutting him out of the family entirely. First it was the talking to the media, now it's the child porn. Only one more strike, James!

Camelot!
[MailTribune.com. Pic via]

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.Richard Branson says he does not want to buy Playboy. Oh how we wish he did, though. As you can see, he's sad about it. If only there were a rich, horny, middle-aged billionaire out there, who loves models.

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.The BBC is launching a channel for kids, right here in the USA. American kids will not be stupid any more.

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.Jacques is a new quarterly that calls itself "America's only new luxury erotic magazine." Since we know that there are no new magazines or luxurious things in America right now, it's probably true! Anyhow the naked parts are very tasteful and all so check it out.

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.NBC got only 4.4 million prime time viewers last week—the lowest-ever total for any network "outside of the summer doldrums of June, July, August or early September." But not to worry: the network's considering creating a new 5 p.m. daily "lifestyle show." Which will turn things around.