Imagine, then, our delight in Sherri Shepherd's extended discussion of the awe-inspiring centerpiece of Whoopi Goldbeg's luxurious powder room, a Toto brand commode featuring technology so advanced that its variable speed water jets are deployed only when the system detects you've finished a chapter in your first-edition copy of Pride & Prejudice. Given the amazing national publicity the company has just received, we imagine each View host will quickly be receiving a fanny-pampering wondershitter of her own, allowing for ongoing, provocative conversations about their differing preferences in oscillating or pulsating personal-cleansing options.

• The View [ABC.com]
• Previously: Hillary Clinton Gunning For Strategically Crucial 'The View' Endorsement [Defamer]

But the emails we've received from one workplace, where employees are essentially on shitter lock-down, serves as a harrowing reminder of the challenge you readers face every day: the communal bathroom. At Bridal Guide magazine, errant employee urine (we'll spare you the speculation about bridal-mag spinsters and incontinence) has resulted in the locking of the restroom door, wherein employees may only take their post-coffee dumps with the office manager's permission and keys.

After the jump, the Potty Nazi gives everyone gets a "time-out."

——-Original Message——-
From: Office Manager @ Bridal Guide
Sent: Wednesday, July 19, 2006 4:05 PM
To: All Female Employees
Subject: Bad Behavior
Importance: High

I don't know if it is the heat or what, but some of us are forgetting our manners - not to mention hygiene.

There have be two instances this week where the conditions in the ladies rest room qualify for condemnation by the Health Department.

Come on Ladies - I know it is hot at and we are all dragging a bit - but if you are too tired to not only clean up after yourself, but aim properly, I suggest you go see your doctor!

This is not funny! It is disgusting and totally disrespectful to your fellow co-workers who share these facilities. I would also be interested in who the guilty party(s) thinks should clean up after their disgraceful behavior!

If this should happen again - I will lock the door and you will have to ask me for a key to use the ladies room.

Further notices on this subject will go to ALL employees of Bridal Guide and not just the women!

——-Original Message——-
From: Office Manager @ Bridal Guide
Sent: Wednesday, July 19, 2006 4:51 PM
To: All Female Employees
Subject: FW: Bad Behavior
Importance: High

Nice job! Whoever left the tampon applicator/wrapper in the toilet - if you were trying to find out how far you can push me - congratulations, now you know.

Starting July 31, 2006 the ladies room will be locked during business hours from 9-5. The only reason you are getting a week's reprieve is because I am on vacation next week.

You had better hope the trains work better in the next few weeks than they have this week (due to heat) because the ladies room will not be open until I get here.

There will be NO passing the key to another person. The key will come back to me and not passed on. I will inspect the ladies room before the next person is allowed to use it. If I am very busy and cannot get to it, the next person must let me know if there is a problem or they will be considered the responsible party.

Way to go!

KING: Have you ever thought of entertaining a lawsuit?

RATHER: Notice that I pause.

KING: Pregnant pause.

RATHER: I'm not going to talk about that.

KING: But you're not saying no? I'll just — I'm being a Dan Rather journalist now. You did not say no.

RATHER: You asked me had I ever thought about it. And the answer is I can't say that I never thought about it.

Christ. At this point, we're praying for a fart just to liven things up.

Interview With Dan Rather [Larry King Live]

CNN's Larry King was in a hotel nearby at the time of the explosion. He said it felt like an earthquake.

"I've never heard a sound like that," King said.

We sincerely doubt that.

New York Building Collapses, Burns [CNN]
Earlier: Happy Monday: UES Building Explodes, Collapses
Related: Gawker's Hard-Hitting Coverage of Larry King's Flatulence

I sat next to Larry King at a charity bbq dinner in Sun Valley, Idaho in 1996. He leaned left and beefed right... directly on me. I was in high school, didn't know what to do... He didn't say excuse me.

And I later heard from a friend who was shooting documentary interviews with CNN anchors that during his interview with his highness, Larry King's handler had to stop the camera every 10-15 minutes. Larry farted explosively during the breaks.

So I think you're on to something here, although I bet it's well known on the inside.

And from an IMDb message board:

Someone who works at CNN told me something pretty funny about Larry King. They said he has a gas problem and farts often. To prevent his guests from being overwhelmed by the awful stench, there is a fan underneath his desk that blows air in the opposite direction of his guests to move the fart smell away from them.

Know anything more? We're listening (or sniffing).

Earlier: The Sweet, Sweet Sounds of Larry King's Ass
Did Larry King Peel the Paint Off the Wall?

Luckily for everyone, CNN is replaying the interview at 11 AM today, right up against The View. Obviously, we'll be watching — er, listening — and recording. Here's hoping the CNN edit room didn't erase the sweet sounds of Larry shooting a bunny.

Related: Star Jones on Larry King [CNN]

The story goes that several bathroom stalls in the building have been regularly bombed, as it were, by an office worker (or workers?) with compulsively and egregiously bad scatological conduct.

"I'm the one who goes in with the plunger," said the building's bow-tied porter last week. "But without them making a mess, I have no job. So I can't complain."

The porter fingered the 41st floor as "very messy." And two workers, outside at lunch last week, described the "egregious abuse" to the 22nd-floor bathrooms.

And surprisingly, not a single fashion magazine is located in the building.

Toilet Terror Downtown [NYO]

As it turns out, the writer who destroyed his room (and not necessarily with feces, either) was not Chris Wilson — it was, rather, a lad who was then working at Complex (whose name, on second thought, isn't worth being forever haunted by this in Google). As we understand it, the room was given the typical rock-star thrashing, but his bowels were definitely under control.

As for post-nuptial affairs back at Camp Six, Dechert writes:

...eventually some heads are gonna roll. The Post will resist axing Richard Johnson because of the decades of investment the institution has made in building his imprimatur. As of this writing, Wilson is the most vulnerable member of the staff because The Daily News has already singled him out for accepting all expense paid, first-class trips from interesting sources. Wilson could be the next to go as this cancer metastasizes.

Interestingly, one of those first-class trips is rumored to involve some bed-shitting and sheet-burning. And we hear Col Allan really doesn't tolerate that sort of bedroom behavior. See update.

Media Wars [NY Press]
Chris Wilson's Little Napa Accident [Jossip]

Maybe it's best that we missed it. The moment's so unbelievably literal, we probably would've just quit right then — nothing more for us to do here.

NBC Olympic Coverage Off to Messy Start: Did Birds Discharge on Couric? [Drudge]

We all gotta crap. That's why there are restrooms. We all gotta wash our hands afterward. That's why there are sinks. Guess Tom Ford never got that memo.

Our feelings about the Vanity Fair cover just went from jealous to sympathetic. Poor Scarlett and Keira, forced to get all fleshy with Mr. PeeHands.

[Image via Oh La La Paris]

The latest trend in child-rearing - trying to toilet train babies as young as 6 months old - was the talk of the mommy circuit yesterday.

There's an original, quirky trend piece! But why does it sound so familiar....

Coming so soon after this, it must be intentional. Part of a whole brand repositioning, maybe?

The New York Daily News: the paper for people who can't get TimesSelect to work.

When poo poo talk on Sundays just isn't enough [Jossip]
Moms Say Pooh to Potty Trend [NYDN]
A Fast Track to Toilet Training for Those at the Crawling Stage [NYT]
Earlier:
NYDN Cribs

Bad Sign! [Gothamist]

But we understand Greta Van Susteren will soon be starting round-the-clock coverage of it.

Popular Searches [MSN.com]

Granted, the band may have shown up an hour late for this show because, as they said, traffic was terrible. But that doesn't explain the shitty performance that reportedly followed or what could simply be Fergie's remarkably sweaty inner thighs. Those issues are best explained by being so inebriated as to pee your pants, which brings us back to our initial point: Like you've never done the exact same thing.

The Black Eyed Peees [Lukas Kaiser]

Guest: You see, Miles, if you gently apply pressure to the shaft while lightly grazing its base, the rocket will launch rather effectively.
Miles: But what about the danger of another explosion?
Guest: Oh, I am sure of it.

Earlier: Is That a Rocket in Your Pants or Are You Just Happy to See Me? [Gawker]

Miles O Brien and his shuttle guest were sitting there with model shuttles / rockets propped upright in their laps pointing out the different parts, then absent-mindedly caressing them it was a morning masterstroke, if you get my drift

And we totally, totally missed this. Serves us right for still watching the Today show. Free cookies* to anyone who caught a screen cap of this momentous occasion.

*Cookies may or may not be laced with Viagra.

"All those asses."

Hey-o!

Most Emailed Photos and Slideshows [Yahoo! News]