The first rule of public relations: when sending out a press release, make sure it is racially offensive, full of misspellings and grammatical errors, and— most importantly— strategic.

If you want to be successful in the PR business, you have to know how to ask the right questions.

In the public relations industry, the fine art of pitching stories often consists of little more throwing shit against a wall and seeing what sticks. Regardless: it's important to have the right shit, and the right wall. This is PR Dummies. Having the right shit is what we do.

Public relations often involves the delicate art of tiptoeing around sensitive subjects in order to continue your ruthless and unceasing marketing activities. Fine. But it is not required that you incorporate these sensitive subjects into your ruthless marketing activities. This is PR Dummies. Remembering Ivy Lee,…

The public relations industry could fairly be described as a machine that functions on broken dreams. The only question is whether your dreams will be broken now, or later. If that dream is about meeting Oprah, the answer is: now. This is PR Dummies. Oprah will not be coming.

The public relations industry enjoys drilling into its young whelps a single phrase to guide their decision-making: "Know your audience." Sadly, after all these years, the lesson still has not sunk in. This is PR Dummies: Evading the audience-seekers, every week.

The practice of public relations is so powerful that the simple act of composing a press release can turn an ordinary citizen into a raving monster. This is PR Dummies. Going WAY haywire!!! on subluxated flackery, every week.

Public relations is defined as a strategic tool which dynamically allows a strategic company to turn sleaze into profit. Dynamically. This is PR Dummies. Taking advantage of you, the consumer, every week.

The public relations industry is dogged in its pursuit of money, a doggone shame, a hired gun without a dog in the fight, the crisis management version of hair of the dog. This is PR Dummies: watching corporate America rim dogs, once a week.

The public relations industry is much like the plastic surgery industry: vain, unnecessary, and full of soul-sucking hustler—but still, not something you should "D.I.Y." should you choose to wade into its waters. This is PR Dummies. Finding folly, every week.

The public relations industry is much like the vagina: not very good at writing. This is PR Dummies. Putting the you-know-what in the you-know-where, at least once a week.

The public relations industry often interprets its job as being that of a great sprinkler, spewing forth lightly treated sewage across the media's lawn, hoping to convince something to grow. This is PR Dummies. Dodging the incoming effluent, every week.

The public relations industry is not a spelling bee. The spelling bee nerds went into nerd fields like library science or professional blogging, not the high-powered world of Hollywood PR. This is PR Dummies. (Dommies? Dymmies? Ugh, spellcheck.)

Welcome to PR Dummies. The public relations industry is full of people who are trained to show enthusiasm for any paying customer, on demand. This naturally erodes their own innate taste. Which is to say: PR people have bad taste. Which is to say: please, don't make that rap video.

If at first the public relations industry doesn't succeed, it tries and tries again. You just can't kill the motherfuckers. This is PR Dummies. Here to inflict damage, at least.

The public relations industry is like a bird on a high wire act and all the world's a stage of mixed metaphors. Though one might assume that a job writing and distributing press releases would require both sharp writing skills and a savvy sense of one's audience, one would be mistaken. And gay? This is PR Dummies.…

The public relations industry provides a welcome refuge to craven scoundrels, scheming nihilists, and the clinically insane. All we do is peek inside once in a while. This is PR Dummies.

The public relations industry features a low bar for entry and an even lower bar for performance. Were the bars to get any lower, it would be an underground prison, rather than a hell on earth. This is PR Dummies. Hella dumb, every week.

The practice of public relations is to subtle, poetic language what a hammer is to a willow tree: not it. These are the PR Dummies. Defending the right to poor taste, every week.

The public relations industry is happy to swallow ordinary happy life events, besmirch them, and poop them back out. It is a virtual besmirchment machine. This is PR Dummies. Besmirching the besmirchers, every week.