Donald Trump Boldly Proclaims, 'Being Presidential Is Very Easy'
Donald Trump, a man who once called a political rival a word referring to a woman’s genitals, says that being presidential is easy-peasy, lemon-squeezy.
Hillary Clinton Is Looking For Her Other Half
Hillary Clinton can’t go it alone, and Bill certainly isn’t cutting it. And so, the time has come to choose the person who will forge into the dark night alongside her.
Every Candidate’s Impossible First-Day Agendas, Ranked
With the Iowa caucuses officially kicking off primary voting season, it won’t be long before a brand new butt is working a fresh groove into Obama’s old chair. In preparation, our various candidates are already hard at work making wild schedules for their first day on the job. And each one is more impossible than the…
Michael Bloomberg Is Mulling a Presidential Bid
Perhaps while soaking in his $13,000 copper bathtub or perhaps while staring at his $62,400 tank of tropical fish, Michael Bloomberg got an idea.
Bobby Jindal’s Bizarre Presidential Bid: "You Can’t Tell Your Friends"
Surprise! Experienced exorcist and current Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal is running for President. Now, some candidates’ announcement videos may focus on things like production, a candidates’ values, and actors who have consented to being filmed—but Bobby Jindal isn’t like other candidates. Instead, here’s a video…
Miss USA Owner to Bring Trademark Gravitas to Presidential Campaign
Donald Trump is officially running for President of the United States in 2016. During a Tuesday morning speech held at Manhattan’s Trump Tower, the 69-year-old Republican real estate mogul announced his current assets are worth $8.7 billion after debt and other liabilities.
Get to Know Marco Rubio, the Biggest Idiot Running for President
A lot of people in the United States don't know anything about soon-to-be ex-senator Marco Rubio of Florida, which means he theoretically still has a chance to be president, the same way the Philadelphia Phillies can still theoretically win this year's pennant. It will not last, and it will never have been realistic.
Inside the Splendor of the Abandoned Ukrainian Presidential Palace
As Ukrainian president Viktor Yanukovych flees Kiev and is soon to be ousted by some of his own supporters, opposition members stormed his Mezhyhirya village palace, making sure to photograph all they saw along the way. While some hoaxes are tricking non-local reporters, like this ages-old golden toilet throne, the…
Senator Accuses Obama of Wearing 'Hipster Fedora' and Drinking 'Double Skim Lattes'
According to Utah Senator Orrin Hatch, "President Obama has traded in the hard hat and lunch bucket category of the Democratic Party for the hipster fedora and a double skim latte." Fair enough. [tips hipster fedora and raises double skim latte toward Hatch in recognition]
Brangelina Infiltrates Oval Office
But soft! What light through yonder White House window breaks? It is the Oval Office, and Brangelina is meeting with President Obama, New York Times photographer Doug Mills tweets. This rare alignment of stars can only mean one thing: Tense negotiations between the American government and NAFTA, the Notables Adopting…
Philandering Silverware Queen Declares Himself GOP Nominee
That's it, folks! Roll up the circus tents and pack up the wagons: The nationwide search for a foe worthy enough to do battle with President Obama in the 2012 presidential election is finally over. The nominee is Newt Gingrich. It's done! Over. Kaput. Newt said as much to ABC News's Jake Tapper this afternoon:
Obama Proposes $450 Billion Investment in Hope
In a spirited, 32-minute address that demonstrated he still has some fire left (but not so much fire that he would dare pre-empt the Republican debates or 2011 NFL kickoff), President Barack Obama called for Congress to "stop the political circus" and approve a $450 billion defibrillation of the flatlining U.S.…
Ahmadinejad's Advisers Jailed for Practicing Witchcraft
An ongoing fight between Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and supreme leader Ayatollah Khamenei has taken a turn for the weird, as several of the president's closest advisers have been arrested and charged with being "magicians" and invoking djinns, or spirits.
What's a Birther Day Without a Visit to Oprah?
Just hours after excoriating the "carnival barkers" who corral the gullible into darkened tents for a fleeting glimpse of "Obama: The Man Raised by Kenyan Wolves," the president found himself inside another kind of sideshow entirely: The Oprah Winfrey Show.
Michele Bachmann Only Needs One Presidential Term to Save America
As she closes in on a possible presidential run, gleefully ignorant Tea Party queen Michele Bachmann says she isn't doing this for self-aggrandizement. She is doing this to save America, in one presidential term or less:
Obama's Diet Secret: Tapeworms
The National Enquirer knows why President Obama is "scary skinny": He's "secretly battling stomach parasites." Worms slurping at the lining of your stomach: hot new D.C. diet craze! We hear Joe Biden swears by the festering maggot cleanse. [Previously]
The President Needs Pants That Fit Where the 'Nuts Hang'
Forty-seven years ago, President Lyndon B. Johnson needed pants. Pants that fit him better—as he put it—"where my nuts hang... back to my bunghole." Luckily, the phone call where he ordered those pants was recorded. For posterity.
Watch Sad Obama Nurse his Busted Lip
Barack Obama got his lip busted in a basketball game yesterday, and now he needs 12 stitches. Video has surfaced: Watch Obama trudge dejectedly back to his Secret Service SUV, and dab at his wound in the White House.
