If you have $5 bucks and you are in Fort Worth next week, you may get the chance to INCREASE Your Productivity and Income at this once-in-a-lifetime Get Motivated! Seminar. In addition to the former President of the United States, who will be talking about 9/11, you will also hear from Rudy Giuliani, who will be talking about 9/11! And Terry Bradshaw, who will be talking about Super Bowl XIV.

CBS's Brian Montopoli reached Tamara Lowe, a seminar organizer and professional motivational speaker, for comment:

Lowe said the event is designed to "give the average American the opportunity to be able to experience the really amazing story of being face to face with the greatest leaders and achievers on the planet."

She added that it allows attendees to "kind of get the download" on "how they got to the top."

So, yes, this definitely sounds like the sort of event you would expect to see George W. Bush speaking at.

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.The secret to a long marriage: A his-and-hers harem of 'Chorus Line' cast members. [TMZ]

[via Adrants]

Poor Jeff Zeleny has been "liveblogging" Barack Obama's first full day as president. This is a punishment, because thus far he has spent the entire day at a "prayer breakfast," because of George Washington.

Here is new press secretary Robert Gibbs explaining the schedule:

At 8:35 AM, the President arrived in the Oval Office and spent 10 minutes alone in the office. He read the note left to him by President Bush that was in an envelope marked “To: #44, From: #43”. At 8:45 AM, White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel came in to discuss the schedule of today's events. The First Lady came into the Oval Office at 9:10 AM. We will release a picture shortly.

But during the 45 minutes he spent in the Oval Office, Time got a picture! (Which is nearly identical to the White House handout, which you can see above.) Here's Obama not doing much, really, before he went to the 8-hour prayerfest, after spending his first half-day as president going to various crappy parties dancing with his pretty wife, because we demand our presidents have 10 wedding receptions on TV once we inaugurate them.

The immediate political purpose of Obama's speech, given today at George Mason University, was to build the case for Congress to pass a stimulus package with virtually any price tag he asks. And the excerpts released to the media in advance were full of doom and gloom: "this recession could linger for years" ... “In short, a bad situation could become dramatically worse.”

You can read the whole speech over here, but in the clip above, Obama closes out on the hopeful, poetic note that he is known for, alluding to Langston Hughes ("more dreams will be deferred"), Winston Churchill ("And that is what we will do") and, of course, the last president to take over in such grim times, Franklin Roosevelt ("face down war, depression, and fear itself"), as well as his own contribution: "a new and hopeful beginning."

Luckily our own Richard Blakeley was on hand to put together a collage. And there they all are, enjoying a sunny December pool party. Clockwise from left we have:

John Fitzgerald Kennedy

Ronald Wilson Reagan (with Nancy)

Franklin Delano Roosevelt (at Warm Springs perhaps?)

Gerald Rudolph Ford

William Jefferson Clinton (with some lady)

Barack Hussein Obama

Lyndon Baines Johnson

• Those of severely impaired intelligence cannot be blamed for their sins: This is the single best thing you have going for you, Dubya. You're an idiot. Everyone knows you're an idiot. Once upon a time you were a useful idiot; now that you're retiring in disgrace, you're no longer useful, politically speaking. But you're still an idiot. The upside of this is that it won't be hard to convince the world that forces far more cunning than you manipulated you into doing all these evil things. Forces named Dick Cheney. All you have to do is start dropping Cheney's name more and more into future interviews, until his controlling hand in all matters becomes clear.
  Ask an adult to help you with this.
• The inevitable post-presidential book: All ex-presidents "write" a book. You will do the same, without the "writing" part. Some of these books are truth-free extended versions of political stump speeches; others are so long and ponderous that any truth within is only ferreted out by the unfortunate journalists assigned to read them. Everyone knows you have no literary abilities, so your book should not be ponderous; and you were never a good speaker, so don't take a stump speech as a model. What you need is dirt. A teeny-tiny bit of dirt will suffice. That dirt should be about Dick Cheney, the bad man who convinced you to do all those bad things. See previous point for guidance.
• Get your nice, cushy, non-political job: Mr. Bush, you can be the next Commissioner of Baseball. You love baseball, and while I assume you are just as stupid about baseball as you are about other topics, you can take comfort in the fact that the many other stupid baseball team owners will make you look good in comparison. Look, I know tons of baseball fans would be outraged at the appointment of an incompetent warmonger as Commissioner. But most baseball commissioners suck, and with one or two decent advisers you should be able to avoid making any major mistakes. Five to ten years in this gig, and people will remember you more for improving the instant-replay system than for that whole Hurricane Katrina business. As an added bonus, people in baseball who give ridiculously nonsensical quotes are celebrated as icons (Yogi Berra) rather than despised as clueless disasters on the world stage (you, as president).
• Surround yourself with unobjectionable objects and people: Your mom is Barbara Bush. America loves her, despite the fact that there is no compelling reason to do so. They just see her as some idealized version of grandma. Your daughters will soon have their own children, George, and you can make a space for yourself as America's idealized version of grandpa: harmless, doting, chuckly, showing the toddlers around the ranch and telling tall tales about animals. Get yourself several cuddly dogs. Adopt a charity rich in heartwarming visual imagery—the Special Olympics would be appropriate. Babies, puppies, baseball, and the handicapped: these are the things you want associated with you in the public mind.
• Stay away from politics forever: Your idiocy may be enough to eventually absolve you of your past sins. But if you choose to pursue your twisted Rovian agenda into the future, nothing will be able to help you. It is of utmost importance that you leave the political world behind in favor of innocuous, popular activities. Jimmy Carter rehabilitated his own image as a failed president by taking strong stands on political issues, but Jimmy Carter is a far smarter man than you, George. Go back to Texas, enjoy your book royalties, and be sure to pin the blame on Cheney when you hit the speaking circuit. The only remnant of the Christian conservative agenda you should really cling to is the little prayer you say each night for President Obama's success. The quicker he can fix what you broke, the quicker people will forget about everything you did.

YES, Barack Obama is black. But NO, he is not Bob Marley.

Obama's people have been repeating the mantra "One president at a time" over and over, like some sort of magic political talisman. Barack has no desire to get too involved at the moment, because politically that would mean taking on lot of responsibility without technically having any power.

And Bush is just sleepwalking through his last few months. He's not just a lame duck, he's a lame duck who everyone despises. He couldn't get anything accomplished even if he wanted to. Which he doesn't. He wants to play with Barney and keep quiet enough to maybe land that Commissioner of Baseball gig a few years down the line.

Neither of those things would be all that bad if we weren't mired in a financial crisis of epic proportions. Because when a crisis happens somebody has to be in charge. And if Bush isn't, and Barack isn't, you know who is? Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson! John Crudele has already taken to referring to him as "de facto president of the US." Which is not too far off the mark!

And hey, maybe it's not such a bad thing to have a guy like Paulson in charge of all the most important decisions, considering they're in his field of expertise? Psht! This is the same guy whose original idea for solving this mess was to give all power to the Treasury to do whatever it wanted, with no challenges permitted. Paulson changed the focus of the bailout package for the third time yesterday. Third time! It doesn't inspire confidence, nor should it.

In conclusion, our fake-elected bad president has no desire or incentive to do anything. Our actual president-elect: the same, until January. Our de facto president is incentivized and predisposed to focus solely on helping Wall Street. And everyone's money is disappearing in the meantime. Also, Iran.

Hope nothing bad happens for the next three months!

Rupert Murdoch has always been canny about getting in good with those in power, even if they're from the party he opposes. He made nice with Tony Blair in the UK. And the Post did in fact endorse Obama over Hillary Clinton, once it was clear Obama would win. Besides that, Murdoch's pet paper the Sun in the UK pretty much deified Obama. And even Fox News managed to work out an Obama interview with Bill O'Reilly, when they weren't calling him "Osama" and such.

So why didn't Rupert just get the Post to go ahead and endorse Obama in the general election? Two reason. One of those reasons is named "Sarah Palin." Murdoch flirted with her coyly, and ended up tentatively supporting her convoluted policy proposals in public. It may be that he fell in love with her personality (the same mistake McCain made), or just came to the conclusion that, dumb as she is, at least she wasn't likely to push for any more regulation of his business if she came into office when McCain keeled over.

The second reason is more basic: a Post endorsement of Obama just wasn't practical. It would defeat the paper's very reason for existence, which is to be a rabid conservative voice in the midst of the liberal NYC media. So Rupert Murdoch just allowed them to endorse McCain, then set about sending every possible signal that he's willing to be friendly with Obama after he wins. Not that dumb after all.

Boomp3.com

At an event honoring President Abraham Lincoln, highly respected actress Joan Allen was shocked that somebody wanted her autograph. Allen had always been proud of her work and the positive praise she receives from the community of film critics, but she never thought her work would reach the autograph seeking masses. The Ice Storm actress said, “Some of the critics will ask for my signatures, but this has to be the first time somebody who’ll probably sell it on eBay. Maybe my husband will buy it.” The autograph seeker offered another opinion on the situation. The seeker said, “I was really surprised to see somebody famous at this event. So I asked her to sign the nearest thing I had, my high school yearbook. Don’t know if I’ll sell it though. Estelle Parsons told me to stay sweet.”

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

The time: three months ago. The place: some hotel room. The players: Obama, his advisers, Ailes, and Rupert Murdoch.

Obama's angle: You people at Fox News aren't being fair:

"I just wanted to know if I'm going to get a fair shake from Fox News Channel," Ailes recalled him saying...

In a recent interview with Glamour magazine, Obama said Fox News and others went after his wife, Michelle, "in a pretty systematic way. . . . If you start being subjected to rants by Sean Hannity and the like, day in and day out, that'll drive up your negatives."

Fox's angle: We're not unfair, we're just not a part of the biased liberal media bootlickers. Also, who can control Hannity?

"Senator, you're the one who boycotted us," Ailes says he replied. "We're not the ones who boycotted you. Nor did we retaliate for your boycott."...

As Ailes recalls it, he responded to Obama's concern about fairness by saying that "there are opinion shows and there are news shows." Some of the criticism, Ailes told him, has come from conservative commentator and co-host Sean Hannity — whom he likened to MSNBC's more liberal pundits Keith Olbermann and Chris Matthews.

The resolution: Obama will be on Bill O'Reilly's show tomorrow night. And let's hope it turns into a huge fight, because, why not? Apparently Rupert is trying to take the friendly route with Obama, much as the New York Post suddenly became soft towards Hillary Clinton when it looked like she might win. But Fox News should take note: times are a-changing. After Obama gets elected, Fox News' ratings will slide and they'll see a backlash for their Bush era broadcasting. Bet. Rupert Murdoch is smart enough to know that a good relationship with Obama might be worth more to Fox than just about anything in the next year.

[WP]

Ratings for cable shows like Hardball and Countdown have "risen sharply" during the campaign. The Politico's website is blowing up, with more readers than "more than all but 13 American newspapers." Political ads are more popular on YouTube than political news broadcasts. Us Weekly saw a bigger bump with its Obama cover than actual political magazines did. And the nightly news broadcasts just keep sadly puttering along:

More noticeably, the broadcast networks’ evening newscasts — the traditional standard-bearers of television news — have been unable to stop their long-term ratings declines, even during the hotly contested primaries. The newscasts on NBC, ABC and CBS had an average combined audience of 23.7 million viewers from January to June, down 2 percent from the same time period in 2007.

[NYT]

[via my sister, an actual member of Democrats Abroad! In order to go viral, this video may require the addition of some destruction.]

You see, Barack Obama didn't just stumble onto the cover of People magazine by chance. Oh no. It's all part of a big PR strategy! That's how things work in the high-level circles to which Bonnie Fuller is privy:

Like every in-demand A-list couple who concedes to allowing a peek behind the curtain, the Obamas insist this will be the "first and last" up-close and personal look at them as a family. What they don't admit to is that this was a carefully orchestrated, well-thought out brand presentation. And it isn't actually the first highly personal look at the photogenic family. No, it's the culmination of a publicity campaign designed to take advantage of the couple's charisma and Hollywood-worthy good look

Try to wrap your mind around this for a moment: the Obamas are actually using the celebrity press to get press for themselves as celebrities.

"And Michelle Obama has been demonized as a 'radical black bitch,'" points out Joe Dolce, partner in the media strategy of DolceGoldin, and the former editor in chief of Star magazine [and asshat and close friend of Bonnie Fuller].

We just thought that needed to be included. What do you think, Bonnie?

In the face of these challenges, I'm convinced that the marketing and PR experts surrounding the Obamas clued in to the enormous influence that "celebrities" have had on the American public, particularly women, over the past seven years since the emergence of Us Weekly, Star and other celebrity newsweeklies and the subsequent explosion of celebrity news.

These quote-unquote "celebrities" that Bonnie speaks of are the ones you see in newsweeklies like Star, formerly headed by Bonnie Fuller. Who can understand the intricate web of competing politcosocioeconomicultural interests here better?

A recent Associated Press-Yahoo News poll of more than 1,700 adults reported that 52% of Americans would like to invite Barack Obama to their summer barbecue vs. the 45% who would extend the invite to John McCain. So you can argue that the PR/marketing strategy is beginning to work.

You certainly could argue that, yes.

Is it also coincidental that Michelle confides to People that one of the sundresses she's wearing in their photos just happened to have been purchased at budget-conscious fashion mecca H&M. The message for these harsh economic times is that she's not shopping at Oscar de la Renta, like Cindy McCain. "You won't see Michelle in an evening gown. She's never going to be dressed up like the Queen of England," predicts PR king Howard Rubenstein, president of Rubenstein Associates. "That wouldn't be relatable."

That would indeed be strange, very strange. Final thoughts to sum up this post, which is now far too long?

Seven-year-old Sasha sports a peace sign T-shirt (how's that for a subliminal message?), Barack's in jeans and an open-neck shirt. They couldn't look more "normal" (vs. "not normal," as Star would say).

Seven-year-old Sasha Obama: She's just like us!

[Ad Age]

Mikhail Gorbachev for Louis Vuitton, August, 2007.

[GWB pic via Guardian UK]