[Referring] To your post:

http://gawker.com/5389594/oscar+winner-paul-haggis-publicly-resigns-from-church-of-scientology-over-gay-rights

Ah. Yes. Paul Haggis. They suggested we link to their food website, which has a recipe for haggis, "A sheep's heart, liver, and lungs mixed with minced onion, oatmeal, suet, spices, salt, and stock...boiled in the sheep's stomach."

We will ask Paul Haggis if he's into that.

Just reading this press release once is equivalent to obtaining a master's degree in Communications from a mid-tier public university.

"The Tyra Show"

International Exclusive: Woman with TWO Vaginas!

Click Here for Video: http://tyrashow.warnerbros.com/2009/01/woman_two_vaginas_lauren.php

Air Date: 11.6.09

(New York, NY) — It's a "Tyra Show" international exclusive, meet the woman who was born with two vaginas in an episode scheduled to air on Friday, November 6th.

Lauren Williams, who is now 29 years old, was born with two vaginas.

Lauren Williams: "I've got two uteruses. Just one to each (fallopian tube), then they go down to two cervixes, and then it did go down to the two vaginas."

Williams, who was diagnosed with two vaginas when she was 25-years-old, also believes she has 2 periods.

Lauren Williams: "I think so because my periods generally last about 21 days...When I was a teenager I had really heavy periods...I would have to change pads every hour."

Tyra also questions Williams on her ability to have children and was amazed by her answer.

Lauren Williams: "The doctor in England said pregnancy wise, it should be okay...if I do get pregnant it should push the other uterus over to one side and keep it out of the way. Me and my partner would need to plan on using condoms just in case I got pregnant in the other one."

Tyra Banks: "You're the only pregnant woman that can get pregnant while pregnant."

Tune in to find out what sex is like for Lauren and what 2 vaginas looks like!

MUST INCLUDE TUNE IN
"The Tyra Show" airs weekdays on The CW at 4:00 PM.

EPIC, a new luxury lifestyle, waterfront boutique hotel located in the heart of downtown Miami, is offering special rates for those visiting Miami to enjoy White Party Week events and festivities from November 25-30, 2009. Rates start from $119 - $249 per night, proceeds from each room booked will be donated to Care Resource.

To book, guests can visit www.epichotel.com and enter the rate code "WHITE."

Enter the rate code "WHITE." All the conspiracy theories are true.

[Thanks, M!]

The women, who are immaculately clean and wear uniforms which do little to conceal their glowing aboriginal cheekbones and other attractive features, have very strong hands after toil since childhood in fields and in the home virtually without tools,but are surprisingly soft and tender when they massage just the right places...

An intimacy has been shared, for the women, who speak only a handful of words in English and speak Spanish as a second language to their native Indian dialect have communicated much to their guest. And their guest understands everything.

"Please go," they communicated.

Hi [Editor of GayListDaily.com],

A recent study published in the June issue of Contraception Magazine presents findings that the "Pull Out" method of birth control rivals the use of condoms. http://www. guttmacher.org/pubs/journals/ reprints/Contraception79-407- 410.pdf

Published by sex researcher Rachel K. Jones and based on several studies and data from the Guttmacher Institute, the study indicates that "pulling out" before ejaculation is nearly effective as condoms in preventing pregnancy – calling the method "only slightly less effective" than condoms.
http://www.cbsnews.com/ stories/2009/05/28/health/ main5045514.shtml

This study has clearly raised concerns amongst healthcare experts, with lively opinions and debate being expressed across the media. To speak with 20 year veteran on contraception, Carol Carrozza, VP of Marketing for Ansell Healthcare, the makers of LifeStyles Condoms, please contact me. Carrozza is an industry expert and can provide commentary and insight on the study, as well as answer relevant questions.

All my best,

[Poor flack]
5W Public Relations

We hope you will take this family planning information to heart, gays.
5WPR is hiring, btw!
[Bad Pitch Blog]

This PR communique is so multifaceted in its outstandingness that we need to take it in sections. Shall we?

When issuing a press release, it's important to "hook" the journalists right at the beginning. This one does it by raising unspoken questions in the mind of the recipient: Who is that crazy lady with her hand on her chin? Why would I care what she has to say? And, most intriguingly, why the scare quotes around "Magical?" Are drugs involved? Possibly!

The news reports coming out of Mexico City are downright scary this week, as more than 100 deaths in the country are being investigated as possibly tied to the swine influenza virus outbreak that's gripping North America
Reports of the illness in Mexico come at a tough time for the country's tourism industry, which is already reeling with negative publicity about drug cartel fueled violence.
But renowned Life Stylist Blair French (www.blairfrench.com), a New Yorker who has lived in the beautiful and charming town of San Miguel de Allende-about three hours north of Mexico City—for two years, says it's time to take a "siesta" on the negativity and turn it into a "fiesta" for a lifestyle you can't find anywhere else.

Textbook execution here: Open with a hot story currently in the news; Give some facts to establish the angle; then introduce a totally superfluous and unimportant person with no expertise on the subject who can rhyme words "en Espanol." Just how they teach it.

The multi-faceted dynamo attests that despite the health scare and reports on the drug cartels, Mexico is 99.9 percent safer for Americans than living in the U.S. She believes the media has used these news items to fashion a misleading portrayal of Mexico as a third world country.
"The government has taken measures in preventing the further spread of the Swine Flu by administering antiviral drugs to the population," she says. "I'm sure that Mexico will overcome this and is fully aware of what needs to be done to protect its citizens."

Multi-faceted dynamo?! Tell me more! [...] Okay, stop. Stop telling me.

French, who in her business blends all aspects of a person's life together – health, fitness, food, fashion, entertainment and décor – helps create a lifestyle for someone that is uniquely one's own. She also does catering and event planning and loves to learn about other countries and cultures.
Corroborating French's optimism is Dr. Julio Frenk, the former Mexican national health minister and new dean of the Harvard School of Public Health. Explaining that Mexico had built up substantial supplies of antiviral medication, he believes the outbreak will be brought under control because of the integrated network of specialists in the U.S., Canada and the WHO.

Corroborating our suspicion that Life Stylist Blair French and her PR team may both indulge in hallucinogenic drugs while composing press releases was US President Barack Obama, who today spoke in favor of "...common sense."

MYSTERY SOLVED: Several inside sources have finally confirmed that [Brand of cigars with bad publicists] was indeed the cigar that was used between Monica Lewinsky and Bill Clinton.

In light of the HBO movie that is going into production with Dennis Quaid and Julianne Moore titled "Special Relationship" featuring the love (or lack thereof) trio between Bill, Hill and Mon, the mystery of the century has finally been solved!

Among all of the scandal, blue dresses and SNL skits mocking Ken Starr, Linda Tripp and all the main players...one character seemed to be on the tip of everyone's tongue...the token oval office cigar. For years people have speculated about what cigar Bill and Monica "smoked" that fateful day and it has finally been released.

Bill Clinton would not smoke anything short of the best-of-the-best thus why he kept several [nasty] Cigars, producers of the most expensive cigars in the world, around his office for special occasions. Several inside sources have finally confirmed that [gross] Cigars was indeed the cigar that was used between Monica Lewinsky and Bill Clinton. It was in fact the [specific type of tasteless] Cigar, which has been reported to be one of Bill Clinton's favorite stogies!

This press release is predictably brought to you by 5WPR.

Julie Henderson comes from a good family. Her grandfather Samuel Henderson invented the Henderson grapefruit in the 1960's and built an empire in Texas . She has been modeling for the past 7 years and is an accomplished Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue favorite appearing in the issue 3 years in a row.

This arrived under the subject line "Further Clarification Regarding Russell Simmons and Julie Henderson." Thank you, Ryan Brown at Factory PR, for providing this mystifying clarification of your client's sexual purity and family grapefruit empire. Then he totally pasted this photo in the bottom of the email:

We hope this clears up this "Julie Henderson is a high fallutin' call girl golddigger" issue once and for all.

With a simple act of washing our hands, we can help wash the earth clean of landmines. Cleanup is a new line of all-natural soap formed in the shape of landmines. Cleanup raises funds for landmine removal and survivor assistance and also promotes awareness of the global landmine crisis...

"I came upon the idea of developing soaps in the shape of landmines because of the powerful message it sends: when raising funds for landmine removal, the point is for them to disappear, said [the product designer]i. As the soap disappears, so do the landmines."

Buy now! Before those thieving fuckers from Operation Smile rip off the idea with their Cleft Palate toothpaste.

That's actually the musky scent that cries out to the world: "I got robbed in Brooklyn." My Brooklyn cologne would feature essences of kielbasa, Newports, and BQE exhaust fumes. Put yours in the comments for a good time.

Look we're just going to quote extensively from their press release because it's not really possible to improve on:

National Hot Dog & Sausage Council Says President-Elect Obama’s Historic Trip to Famous DC Hot Dog Restaurant Reflects Excellent and All-American Taste in Cuisine

Sunday, January 11, 2009

National Hot Dog & Sausage Council Says President-Elect Obama’s Historic Trip to Famous DC Hot Dog Restaurant Reflects Excellent and All-American Taste in Cuisine

Washington, DC – President-Elect Barack Obama’s visit to the DC landmark Ben’s Chili Bowl for a half-smoke yesterday reflects his excellent and all-American taste in cuisine.

According to National Hot Dog & Sausage Council President Janet M. Riley. “His stop yesterday shows that while the most sophisticated chefs in America may be vying for his palate, American hot dogs and sausages were the ‘wieners’ this weekend in Washington.”

Ben's Chili Bowl is a famous DC landmark. It is a black-owned business that has survived some very tough times in what was once a riot-torn black neighborhood. Now of course it is all gentrified and Ben's is known primarily among younger DC residents as the place that is open precisely one hour beyond bar close. So Obama was probably drunk.

For years there was a sign at Ben's that said "Who eats free at Ben's: Bill Cosby. No one else." Last year they added the entire Obama family! So he was drunk and cheap. Also here is a funny bit from the visit:

Asked by a member of the traveling press pool about the significance of his visit, Obama said, "It means I'm going to get a hot dog."

Still—we, along with the National Hot Dog & Sausage Council, applaud our president-elect's fantastic taste in hot dogs.

The Canadian Tourism is bringing the Olympic sport of curling to Bryant Park to expose New Yorkers to the excitement of the competitive game – and one lucky contestant will walk away with the keys to a new car, a $500 gas card and a seven-night hotel stay in Canada (all of the elements needed for an unforgettable drive vacation to Canada)!Details below:

WHAT: New Yorkers are invited to attempt their curling skills on the ice of the Pond at Bryant Park…for a chance to win a new car and a road trip to Canada.

WHEN: Wednesday, Dec. 17 from 12:00 p.m. – 2:00 p.m.

WHERE: The Pond at Bryant Park’s ice rink (between 40th and 42nd Streets and Fifth and Sixth Avenues)

WHY: There’s more action on the ice this winter than figure skaters and hockey players. Curling is a winter sport that’s extremely popular in Canada and now New Yorkers will have the opportunity to try it out, right in Bryant Park.

HOW: Each participant will get a turn to send the curling “rock” (an official curling stone made of granite) across the ice. Canadian curling expert Brad Gushue will be on hand to demonstrate the proper technique and answer any questions about the sport.

COULD A BEDSIDE SHOTGUN RACK HAVE SAVED JENNIFER HUDSON’S FAMILY FROM TRAGIC DEATH?

Chicago, IL (MMD Newswire) October 28, 2008 — Tragedy strikes in a Chicago home leaving 3 people dead and an Oscar winner forced to identify the bodies of her family.

Jennifer Hudson’s mother and brother were gunned down in their home Friday. Could an invaluable device have saved their lives?

No. [MMD Newswire]

Here is ContactAnyCelebrity.com's list of the Top 10 "Most Wanted" Celebrities of 2007:

1. Zac Efron (Actor)

2. Michael Jackson (Musician)

3. Miley Cyrus (Actress & Musician)

4. Oprah Winfrey (Talk Show Host & Philanthropist)

5. Emma Watson (Actress)

6. Avril Lavigne (Musician)

7. John Cena (Wrestler)

8. Chris Brown (Musician)

9. Angelina Jolie (Actress & Philanthropist)

10. Enrique Iglesias (Musician)

Congratulations to all in the top ten, and particularly to the breakout High School Musical star, whose "Most Wanted" Certificate of Achievement (one of those Old West outlaw posters from an amusement park kiosk featuring his smiling, pixelated face reproduced by dot-matrix printer) should already be on the way.

• Zac Efron Named "Most Wanted" Celebrity of 2007 [prweb.com]

The press release—usually we encourage you to skip them, but this one is a must read—follows after the jump:

ASHLEYMADISON.COM COURTS ASHLEY MADISON

CONTROVERSIAL DATING SITE SETS IT'S SIGHTS ON JAMES WOODS' FORMER GALPAL

Extra-marital dating sight AshleyMadison.com hopes to capitalize on their namesake, actress Ashley Madison, best known for her short-lived romance with actor James Woods and cameo appearance on Entourage. AshleyMadison has prepared an offer for Ashley Madison to become their official spokeswoman and appear in their successful - and controversial - integrated marketing and publicity campaigns. AshleyMadison.com founder Darren Morganstern feels the blonde bombshell is a natural fit because, "in short, she is the type of woman that many straying married men fantasize about having affairs with."

Recently, the site made headlines when they offered a free lifetime membership to Katie Holmes as an opportunity to "free herself from Tom Cruise," and their Los Angeles billboard proclaiming, "Life is Short...Have an Affair," recently resulted in a rush hour protest by community activists.

Despite his own "happy marriage", Morganstern believes that monogamy has become outdated and discovered that through the site, there could be a modern solution to this age old problem. After featured appearances on major news outlets such as CNN, FOX News, Montel Williams, 20/20, CBS Sunday Morning, Dr. Phil, and TMZ (to name a few), Morganstern has been coined, "The King of Infidelity" by the media. Though he acknowledges subscribers may be "playing with fire" by pursuing infidelity online, Morganstern's sitting pretty knowing his company has doubled in size every year since it's inception and is estimated to gross ten million dollars this year alone.

• Previously: Burning Questions [Defamer]