According to my good friend Ted, who I only mocked out of love and friendship and Ted I’m sorry, we might not actually have to say goodbye just yet. Because Ted’s “open” to coming back.

During last night’s victory speech, Hillary Clinton looked to the future as she called for a unified Democratic party and support from the more “thoughtful Republicans.” And yet—there was still something far more compelling on screen: Every single cutaway to Bill Clinton’s dumb, dead-eyed mug.

Poor, sweet, sagging Ted Cruz. The man who can barely get members of his own party to listen to him when he speaks in New York got thoroughly trounced by Donald Trump and John Kasich on Tuesday. Cruz’s showing was so bad in one part of Brooklyn that he only netted one single vote. Oh, wait—hold on just a second—it…

Closed polling stations, malfunctioning ballot scanners, the mysterious disappearance of some 50,000 registered Democrats: These are just some of the “irregularities” reported by New York City residents trying to vote today.

After reading a few reports of weirdness at the polls on social media this morning, I did a quick check of the New York State database of registered voters. I registered as a Democrat when I got my driver license renewed in November, so I was sure my name would appear, but I just wanted to make sure. It didn’t appear.

Turnout in Arizona on Tuesday was high, the New York Times reports, as Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump won the Democratic and Republican presidential primaries, respectively. For the Republicans, Arizona is a winner-take-all state, awarding Trump 58 delegates.

Last month, according to campaign finance reports, Hillary Clinton raised more than $30.1 million to be used in the Democratic primary—to be used, in other words, against Senator Bernie Sanders. From the New York Times:

With Jeb Bush and Marco Rubio out of the running, Ohio Governor John Kasich is the establishment candidate no one saw coming. And sure, compared to the rest of the GOP’s increasingly terrifying sideshows in suits, Kasich comes across as sane. But don’t be fooled: John Kasich is just as much of a monster as the rest—he…

According to exit polls conducted by the Associated Press and Edison Research, about two-thirds of Republican primary voters on Tuesday support Donald Trump’s proposal to temporarily ban Muslim tourists and immigrants from entering the United States.

Hillary Clinton is projected to win the Florida Democratic primary, according to the New York Times. Meanwhile, NBC News has called North Carolina for Clinton.

After a very close race, Bernie Sanders has pulled out his biggest win yet in what continues to be an unexpectedly difficult primary season for Hillary Clinton, who had led in the polls in Michigan before Tuesday.

Donald Trump, purveyor of mediocre meats, is projected to win the Republican primaries in Mississippi and Michigan.

The Associated Press has projected Hillary Clinton to win the Democratic primary in Mississippi. According to exit polls, Clinton won nearly 9 out of 10 black voters.

Welcome, patriots, to what history will almost certainly see as the night America sealed its gruesome fate. That’s right—it’s Donald Trump Victory Night. And judging by the various primaries and caucuses thus far, it’s sure to be a night we’ll never forget. No matter how hard we try.

Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump edged out Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio to win the Republican primary on Saturday evening, giving us all a little more hope that the country and the world is headed for a slow and excruciating demise.

Hillary Clinton, perhaps the candidate most closely affiliated with lots and lots of money, unsurprisingly won the casinos during Saturday’s Nevada caucus, according to PBS’s Jon Ralston.

In an attempt to force themselves into some sort of truce, Ted Cruz and Ben Carson decided to handle the situation like adults, face to face, mano a mano, standing alone in a guarded storage closet for nearly 25 minutes, according to a new report from The Daily Beast.

“Gentlemen, young men, marry you a woman. Dude—if she’s clean, and you’re clean, and you marry her, and you keep your sex right there, you’re never going to get a debilitating disease and/or death. It’s safe!”

If you’ll recall, a few days ago, Heidi Cruz revealed that the human flesh mask she married has a habit of calling out of the blue and making noises at her set to song. Now, we get to hear that singing bag of skin for our very selves.

Tonight’s going to be weird. In one corner, we have Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio, and Ben Carson engaging in an ostensibly civil “town hall” on CNN (the other three get their shot tomorrow night). In the other corner, Donald Trump and Joe Scarborough will be doing... something. Either way, we’ll be liveblogging every last…