• Yesterday, we reported: "Susan Boyle's BACKINYOFACE, mothafuckas!" And now we're sad to report: Susan Boyle's "exhausted" again. She pulled out of a Manchester tour date because she wasn't feelin' it. This can't be good. I mean, let's just say what needs to be said here: the woman always kind of felt a little, well, off. It was her quirk and naivety of fame that did the whole "capture our hearts" thing, so, you know, you'd think: these things would be something to watch out for, indicators of some lack of preparedness for the fame she achieved two seconds after she stepped off that stage the first time. And now, here we are: a tired woman, being driven crazy by too much at once. Sigh. [TMZ]
  
  
• Still can't get over the Dustin Lance Black photos, if only because I'm trying to remember which other non-acting Oscar winners have had photos of them leaked. Really, this entire thing is just a solid Jeopardy answer in the making. Anyway: Black released a statement in response to the photos leaking, in which he apologizes for not practicing safe sex. "More important than the embarrassment of this incident is the misleading message these images send. I apologize and cannot emphasize enough the importance of responsible sexual practices." [E!]
  
  
• WTF. Cindy Adams wrote two pages for the Post this morning on how to stash cash away. Sample line: "You can glue single bills flat inside luggage lining — providing your suitcase is classy enough for a lining and you don't mind the inconvenience of then ripping that bag to shreds to get the paste off the money." Uh, thank you, Crazy Aunt Cindy? Next week, Neel Shah teaches you how to beat a dude with a lead pipe. [Page Six]
  
  
• Har! Salman Rushdie tore the shit up 'out the dance floor at a party the other night. Noteth Page Six, poetry in motion: "'She had heels on, so he only came up to her breasts,' laughs our source. 'With her low-cut dress and his bald head, when he's dancing with her he looks like her third boob.'" Oh, come on. That's funny. [Page Six]
  
  
• Prince Harry's new ladyfriend is a total starfucker. She dated Russell Brand at one point, and one time she had a "romp" in a hot tub with Jack Osbourne and another girl. A "romp," from what I understand, is a funny British word for "sex that isn't really sex" (as opposed to a "snog" which is definitely sex, or a "muggle" which is a non-magical person). [News Of The World]
  
  
• Colin Ferrell needs more bodyguards to protect him from all the paparazzi headed his way. I mean, really? Colin Ferrell? [Rush & Malloy]
  
  
• Michael Phelps is still rocking some kind of porn stache. It's fantastic. [TMZ]
  
  
• Craig Ferguson almost killed himself before running into the friend who would help him have the career he has now. ""I felt worse than I ever had. ... I was a drunk, a loser and a disaster as a human being. ... The shame was immense. It pushed down on me like a terrible weight." Wow. [Rush & Malloy]
  
  
• Ron Burkle denied everything Mark Ebner wrote about him on his blog that didn't make it into Ebner's book on Burkle, which mostly amounts to an "omitted chapter," a salacious little bit where Burkle calls in prostitutes for a girl-on-girl show. Ebner once wrote an article on the Church of Scientology, where, for the purposes of full-disclosure, he wrote: "I am an ex-drug addict who has solicited prostitutes in my day. I've also masturbated and inhaled at the same time, and I have been arrested more than once in my life. I dropped out of high school and I've been under psychiatric care." Here's the thing, Mark: you're not a celebrity! Not even the Scientologists care! Too much full disclosure. TMI. Seriously. [Page Six]
  
  
• Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell emerged from a strip club Friday night covered in lipstick. Cute. [P*r*z H*lt*n]

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• Prince Harry came to New York, and was restricted by his handlers and security detail from going out and partying, thereby inevitably acting like the complete twat the public has gotten to know him as. He's now being hailed as some kind of distinguished diplomat. [Daily Mail, NY Daily News, whoever else is ridiculous enough to fall for this.]
  
  
• The Octomom lady is getting her own TV show. She made a careful point to distinguish it from Jon and Kate Plus 8 noting that "you won't even remotely like my kids." But really, her lawyer did try to make the distinguishment by saying: ""Her television program will not be like the Jon and Kate Plus 8 show...[Nadya] is looking forward to providing her side of the story." Missing link: found! [US Weekly]
  
  
• Widow of Aaron Spelling, Candy, went on the radio yesterday to note that Tori Spelling cutting off communication with her father sapped him of his will to live. Doesn't this feel like it'd fit into the plotline of any number of Aaron Spelling shows quite nicely? [WWTDD]
  
  
• Daivd Hyde Pierce told The View that he's been married to his longtime partner since fall of last year, and that they've kept a low profile until the Supreme Court decided to fuck with them. [NYDN]
  
  
• Ex-wife of Larry David and An Inconvenient Truth producer, preachy environmentalist Laurie David, keeps building over the wetlands behind her Martha's Vineyard house. [Page Six]
  
  
• I don't keep up with American Idol, but I do know this: there's a runner-up and a winner, and one of them is gay. Knowing that the one whose ass-barcode scans as Kris Allen (the "winner") is going to Disney World does not help me make this distinguishment any easier. [Entertainment Tonight]
  
  
• Jennifer Aniston and Courtney Cox were seen leaving a Fleetwood Mac concert in L.A. Thursday night. They talked about their indefatigable, free, untethered spirits while holding hands during "Gypsy," and then did their best impression of Mr. Burns saying "ehh-xcel-ent" as they discussed the piles of money they're going to be swimming in after the ink is dry on their "Friends" movie contracts. [Just Jared]
  
  
• Christian Bale's wife "doesn't take [his] nonsense." Except for that time he lost half his body weight for The Machinist and looked like a terrifying walking skeleton, which, apparently, she loved. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Ellen Pompeo is "so excited" to be having a baby, and all the things that come with it, like a baby bump. If you were receiving your first third-dimension, you would be, too! They don't know if they're going to write said Bump into Grey's Anatomy, nor what kind of "Mc-" prefix it will be ordained. [US Weekly]
  
  
• Susan Boyle's predicted to make five million pounds whether she wins or loses Britain's Got Talent. Query: which economist got the job of predicting how much reality talent show winners are going to speculatively make? [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Rachel Bilson and Hayden Christensen shared some chap stick at a tennis match. Somehow, this makes news on P*r*z, which is inexplicably enjoyable. [P*r*z H*lt*n]
  
  
• Something something something, new Twilight: New Moon teaser clip, something something joke about "beating the vampire blogs to it." [Pink Is The New Blog]

• John Mayer is thinking of giving Jennifer Aniston a song for her 40th birthday, someone told People. Um, nice try, someone else (ahem) told OK!, but John will be giving Jen an engagement ring, or he can pack his things and leave, already.
• Let's mock Sarah Jessica Parker's "hoof shoes," REAL FUNNY GATECRASHER GUYS. We get it. She looks like a horse. You were obviously chomping at the bit to trot this sort of humor out, but maybe you could move beyond mare appearance jokes? Yea or neighhhh? [Gatecrasher]   
• Sure, Chris Brown is rumored to have split Rihanna's lip, left contusions on her face and choked her to unconsciousness. But you should see what Rihanna's flack did to Page Six! It was downright shameful. [P6]
• Prince Harry was a terrible racist again, telling a comedian at Prince Charles' 60th birthday, "You don't sound like a black chap." Harry has probably already told his friends he's now done trying to give compliments, no one appreciates them. [Sun]
• Now that Alex Rodriguez is the steroid-scandal whipping boy, Jose Canseco figures it's safe to shop his reality show idea. Nice to see he's moved beyond one morally bankrupt, money-making celebrity fad, right into another. [P6]
• Andy Serwer will teach you how to fake being the editor of Fortune, based on his own first-hand experience. [P6]
• OK! can't even post good sales when its competitors are physically removed from Wal-Mart stores. [Scoop]

• She's also lost a lot of weight. Maybe it's because she's in a lesbian relationship with a lesbian. Or maybe her tabby, Chaskitty Bono, has finally decided to wage her long-planned rebellion. [Showbiz Spy]
• The Pussycat Dolls, a band so curiously unsexy that even your horny cousin Len can't seem to get excited about them, started out as a garage band. Specifically, in Christina Applegate's garage. This was way back in the miniskirty, midriffy mid-90's. [Showbiz Spy]
• Mostly unfunny comedienne Chelsea Handler would like you to have sex with the always unfunny comedian Artie Lange. For money. She'll pay you $500. It's part of their K-list celebrity feud. So, it'd totally be worth it. [NYDN]
• Why won't you let Kanye West be great? Seriously, why won't you? All he wants to do is wear his shuttershades, cry for a couple of minutes, and be great. Maybe he also wants to make a bisexual pornography film. Maybe. But mostly, he just wants to be great. And you won't let him. Now you've gone and made him use the internet again to tell you how upset he is with you. I hope you're happy. [P6]
• He may be a racist joke-making git sometimes, but he's ginger and worth his weight in one billion pound notes and can fly a helicopter, so we still love Prince Harry. Ohh, and now he's single. He's split with that slag Chelsea Davy, this time for good. So ladies, the fox hunt is on. To the hounds. Tallyho! [Us]
• Lonely and miserable sadsack Jennifer Aniston has resorted to stalking. Her untouchably-beautiful ex-husband Bradley Jane Pitt and his swashbuckling ladyfriend, Angelina Jolie, got invited to an Oscars party called the Academy Awards and have decided to go. So Aniston sneaked in the backdoor by getting hired as a waitress or a coat check girl or maybe an awards presenter or something. Potential for zany, madcap antics abounds, sure, but mostly it's just going to be mournful and quiet and just a little bit unsettling and creepy. Until she gets the cream pie in her face! Then oh how they'll laugh. They're all gonna laugh at you, Jen. They're all gonna laugh at you... [Star]

Image via Splash

• Yeah bitches. She out. Well, at least her show is done. All My Sons on the Broadway is closing today which means, face it paparazzi!, no more candids of John Lithgow. Reportedly Holmes really likes New York and would maybe like to stay. I mean, what does she really have to get back to? Some dim, dreary, sun-splashed mansion perched high like Adrienne Rich—a Xenu in Solitude—in the hills? Naw, she should stay here with that curious probing daughter of hers. [P6]
• Um. Do you remember Bobby's World? Yeah, me too. Anyway. Howie Mandel has a dog, a chihuahua, named Dior. Dior. Dior. [P6]
• Ray Liotta should be more grateful that someone still recognizes him. [P6]
• A wind swept up and some church bells rang in the distance. Mrs. Dobson's cat pawed its face, the Clarkson boy made loop de loops with his toy airplane in his front yard, the grass all brown. A low sun streaked across the sky. The whole town watched in worry. This was the end, some of them knew in the dark, wicked corners of their hearts. At the town meeting, in the gymnasium of the high school, they all smoked cigarettes and drank coffee. Lana Alderson cried softly in the back. She was such a young bride. And always prone to fits of sadness and stomach pains. At the end of the meeting, Old Man Bickersby gave a speech about the nature of time. Then Paris Hilton stood up and said "I didn't get a boob job." The next day, all that was left were bones, bleaching in the sun. [Showbiz Spy]
• Hey may be one of the sexiest people currently in trousers, but Prince Harry is sort of a git. He keeps doing dumb racist things. First it was the Nazi Halloween costume, now he's calling people towelheads. The fantasies are getting a lot more complicated these days, what with all their earnest discussions and strained compromises. Sigh. [Showbiz Spy]
• OMG fools!! Fergie, the woman who warbles for the Black Eyed Peas, has married Josh Duhamel, a guy who was on that show Las Vegas and then, um..., uh... he was on that show Las Vegas! They married under magnolias in Malibu. A dove was there. It cried. [Us]
• Oh dear. Mickey Rourke probably took steroids while filming The Wrestler. When asked about it he said "When I'm a wrestler, I behave like a wrestler." That may be, I think, taking method acting a bit too far. But, if you're Mickey Rourke... what have you really got to lose? [NYDN]

scroll_lock's new line beats the original, "Um, By Any Chance Did Your Father Teach You How to Hug?"

"'It was very close. I thought they were going to nudge me. It was frightening. The middle lane was busy so I couldn't pull back in,' Williams said.

"Williams said the driver of a Range Rover who forced him to speeds of nearly 100 mph appeared to be attempting to catch up to a speeding Audi which had passed him. Williams alleged that when he caught up with both vehicles in traffic, he saw Harry in the Audi's passenger seat.

"Williams said he knows the prince needs protection, but he criticized the royal convoy for frightening his family. 'It was really dangerous and I'm furious that they think they can drive like this just because of who they are,' he told the Mail." [UPI]

• Actor Robert Downey Jr. is about to be in blackface in a movie, but it's totally OK because it's so meta: Downey will not wear blackface to pretend to be black; he will wear blackface to pretend to be a white actor pretending to be black. Totally different. [Film School Rejects via Digg]
• Singer Britney Spears' father Jamie will continue to run most of her life through the end of July, meaning her insanity will continue a steady decline that has so far mirrored falls in the dollar and stock market. Coincidence? [AP]
• As predicted by everyone in the entire world, model and famed assistant-beater Naomi Campbell flipped out when she found out news of her gynecological surgery in Brazil leaked: "Naomi was in an absolute fury that word had gotten out... The female nurse who brought her breakfast one day left the room in tears after Naomi cursed her out.” [ShowbizSpy quoting National Enquirer]
• Here's a picture of actress Angelina Jolie at an airport looking busty and otherwise pregnant. [Sun]
• Page Six has banished Patrick Swayze's rep to its Liars' Corner for saying a hospital admission earlier this month was for a "gastrointenstinal procedure" when in fact the star had pancreatic cancer. [P6]
• Movie star couple Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon are in your darkened movie theater, fucking around with their BlackBerrys. Who's a cute couple now? [P6]
• Now that he's all fit and a war hero and everything, Prince Harry's girlfriend takes him back. [Sun]
• Anna Wintour has been hanging out with basketball star and Ralph Lauren fan LeBron James before she puts him on the cover of Vogue. [P6]
• Maybe he really will, finally, lose the Neverland Ranch: singer Michael Jackson said to be looting his home before it is seized. [Showbiz Spy]
• Former rich kid Brandon Davis now asking for free drinks in bars. [P6]

The British kept the story quiet for ten weeks. The blackout was limited to his military duties, and the press agreed to the keep the story quiet as long as they could continue to write about his other hobbies, like dressing up as a Nazi at costume parties.

American louts, however, are unsatisfied with just drunk pictures of Prince Harry. Chief of the general staff of the army was "very disappointed" with Matt Drudge. "This is in stark contrast to the highly responsible attitude that the whole of the U.K. print and broadcast media." The British are so uptight.

First off, the British press were given special access to the prince in return for the silence. But they probably would have remained silent anyway. The Guardian explains their decision to maintain the blackout with a pat on their back: "It was an extraordinary and rare display of unity for national and regional newspaper and magazine editors and broadcasters not to report the story." An extraordinary display of acting like pussies you mean.

When American media outlets are guilty of this sort of behavior, it's generally either isolated cases of one paper caving to pressure—like the New York Times holding their warrant-less wiretapping expose until after the 2004 elections—or about matters of less newsworthiness. The entire U.S. media did conspire to leave Chelsea Clinton alone during her stint as first daughter, but they certainly would've reported if she'd enlisted and gone to Iraq.

British tabloids are usually much more ruthless than American ones. But ultimately the British really do care about the royals. There's no ironic distance there. And between an asshole in fedora and believing in the Divine Rights of Kings, Matt Drudge wins any day.

"Harry Withdrawn From Afghanistan" [NYT]
"Why We Agreed To A Media Blackout On Harry" [Guardian]