Pensions are good. Pensions are worth preserving until something better comes along. But pensions that make impossible promises and cultivate lies are not the pensions we should hope for.

“Private equity firms charged $20 billion of ‘hidden fees’ to almost 600 companies they owned in the last two decades,” according to a new study. Remember: it’s lazy welfare recipients who are robbing this country blind.

Steven Schwarzman, the private equity billionaire and human PR disaster who once compared raising taxes on the rich to Hitler’s invasion of Poland, has some thoughts on how to prevent the next financial crisis. What would you guess they are?

America is making a comeback! That's according to David Petraeus, the disgraced former general who really needs a comeback. Also in need of an American comeback: the monster private equity firm that hired Petraeus to write about how America's making a comeback.

An examination of 400 private equity firms by government regulators found that "more than half... charged unjustified fees and expenses" to companies they own. If you've seen the Goodfellas scene where they suck the business dry then burn it down, you understand what's happening here.

Private equity firms have discovered an exciting new strategy for screwing their investors over (more than usual).

A mysterious video of a Tesla investor talking about a rumored investment in the company has popped up on YouTube. Valleywag has identified the blabbermouth: Victor Morgenstern, chairman of a Chicago private-equity fund.

You can add The Carlyle Group to the long, long list of financial firms looking to cut back on their private jet budgets. The Washington-based private equity giant that counts members of the Bush family as investors is now looking to unload its 2004 Gulfstream G450. Like its rivals, it's been a challenging few months…

• Andrew Cuomo may demand the return of $4 billion in bonuses paid by Merrill Lynch just before it was acquired by Bank of America. [BN]
• U.S. GDP shrank 3.8% in the fourth quarter, the most since 1982. [BN, NYT]
• Two senators have introduced legislation to regulate hedge funds. [NYT]
• A handful of ex-Merrill execs…

♦ With so many companies looking to tap into the $700 billion bailout, it's clear there won't be enough to go around, and a lot more work (and cash) is going to be needed to fix the problem. [WSJ]
♦ The latest company to convert itself into a bank to tap into government funds: American Express, which earned approval…

The last time Yahoo shares traded before Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer announced an offer to buy Yahoo, they cost $19.18. Today, for the first time since that offer, Yahoo shares sank below $20 to a low of $19.59. Even with the credit markets a complete mess, if Yahoo shares drop much further, we could soon wake up to…

AdultVest, an investment bank for adult entertainment businesses, is poised to snag a little trophy at tonight's "Oscar-style" 6th Annual Hedge Fund Industry Awards. The firm, which claims to have $7 billion in available capital in its network, is nominated in the "Hedge Fund Launch of the Year" category. Their most…

Yahoo shares are down 3.4 percent to $20.72 per share, nearing the $19 per share price when Microsoft made its unsolicited $31 per share offer on February 1. That means its time for Microsoft to forget how poorly Yahoo handled its offer and revisit its bid and buy the company on the cheap, argues BoomTown's Kara…