America's Favorite non-practicing former psychiatrist and self-help Guru Dr. Phil "Dr. Phil" McGraw will ride the Acela from New York to Philly and back again on Wednesday, September 9. That is maybe two-and-a-half hours he will devote to solving the problems of pretend commuters, unless of course there are delays.

Much like Dr. Phil is a pretend doctor, the Acela (average DC-to-Penn Station speed: 80 mph) is a pretend high-speed train, though at least on the Acela you can BYOB. (Or purchase the fairly reasonably priced little tiny bottles of Jim Beam black.)

[Via Agency Spy] Other ideas:

Learn to dance.

Do whatever Ronn [sic] Torossian says. Communicate gooder!

Wade recently got hitched with Charlie Brooks, a longtime racehorse trainer who started up a little sex toy business back in '02:

Charlie Brooks, who set up a business selling sex toys after quitting racing, posted the catalogues to parents at Cheam Hawtreys School - where Prince Philip is also a former pupil.

The A Little Something for the Weekend brochure offered a range of saucy products including vibrators and boxer shorts featuring phonebox sex cards.

That shows character! Tatler has a story in its newest issue about Brooks' wooing of Wade, which is summarized by the Guardian. They know famous wealthy people! And the powerful! They are quite the toast of the leisure class!

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.

"When Charlie Brooks wakes up in the mornings at his barn in Oxfordshire, he likes nothing better than to fly to Venice from Oxford airport with his soon-to-be-wife Rebekah Wade, the dazzling redhead editor of The Sun, for lunch at Harry's Bar.
"Later in the day, after shopping and sightseeing, the couple fly back to London for dinner at Wiltons in Jermyn Street." (...)

"When they're not in Venice, Charlie and Rebekah go on holiday with the Freuds on their boat... the Oppenheim Turners at their house in St Tropez... and with the Daventrys in the country.

Also Wade was once arrested for assaulting her former husband, a British soap opera star! Just goes to show the fundamental class of the Brits. Meanwhile, Rebekah Wade's US counterpart, Col Allan, is just drunk.
[Pic via and via]

Taco Bell is doubling down on indie rock this fall by expanding the scope of its annual promotion that provides meals to touring bands. The fast-feeder's third iteration of "Feed the Beat" will feature twice as many bands and an online contest to record singles...

The reward for Taco Bell comes when Gen-Y fans see the brand giving a hand to acts they care about. The chain is also taking the opportunity to promote its late-night menu, reasoning that touring bands are hungry after a show.

So 100 lucky indie bands get a $500 coupon to Taco Bell and the chance to put their MP3s on a Taco Bell website, thereby helping the fast food chain connect with those hard-to-reach Millenials!

God that's sad.

[Ad Age]

[via Adrants]

• "Two of Mr. Laswell's songs will be played overhead in Courtyard by Marriott lobbies and on the hotels' Web site."
• "The singer-songwriter has been a spokesman for Apple Inc.'s GarageBand software, showing off how to use the technology to record songs on a laptop."
• "His songs are being played before the previews at large movie theater chains like AMC Entertainment Holdings Inc. and at Landmark Theaters' art houses."
• "This summer, an online Pepsi and Amazon ad will feature an MP3 player with images of Mr. Laswell."
• "Indeed, Mr. Laswell's songs have been featured in two movies and 11 TV shows, including 'Grey's Anatomy'"
• "Mr. Laswell's EP, released in March to promote the July record, became part of the Artist Discovery Series of Whole Foods Markets Inc., where customers in grocery checkout lines saw him compared with EMI Group's Coldplay."

As long as he stays indie.

[WSJ]

You go to the site. Do you like boys or girls? Click one. Dramatic music swells up. A film starts: a beautiful woman, bathing in the ocean, with, it must be said, a rather revealing outfit. She strides towards you. She wants your gum! You place it in her mouth, and she is happy:

She moves towards you. What's this—she wants to see your webcam? You turn it on. Now you're supposed to kiss her!

The site freezes; its dirty little electronic self is waiting for evidence from your webcam that you are actually leaning in and kissing the screen! That's when I turned it off. I don't like Mentos that much. But please, feel free to try it and report back. I think this may be asking a bit much of even the most bored breath mint aficionados.

Visitors are able to determine their personal flavor profiles with the help of a five-question quiz, and they can request free samples before committing to a purchase.

"We want to make people understand that if you tried one [blend] and you didn't like it, it wasn't the right blend for you," said Ms. Pinero. "That doesn't mean the whole brand isn't right for you."

My flavor profile is Breakfast Blend!

Plus there's barista art (!!!), like this:

To promote the book, Mr. Frey will eschew typical bookstore readings for events at rock venues. He will appear at the Blender Theater in New York, Whisky A Go Go in L.A., and Slim's in San Francisco. At each venue, he will have music and a light show, with images from "Wives, Wheels, Weapons" projected on a screen while he reads. At the San Francisco and L.A. readings, local heavy metal bands will perform.

Members of the Hell's Angels will handle security at the events, in what Mr. McWhinnie described as an allusion to the infamous 1969 concert at the Altamont Speedway, in which fighting between members of the crowd and the Angels led to one fan's being stabbed to death. Presumably Mr. Frey will not attempt to carry the historical echo that far, but who knows? Perhaps he can stage an altercation and use it as grist for his next book.

[NY Sun]

[via Benjurr.Wordpress.com]

[pics via RightFielders]

Josh has taken his employment fate into his own hands by setting up a website—with a tasteful, manic yin-and-yang symbol wallpaper—touting himself as the answer to your company's [something] needs. He can offer you direct marketing experience; copywriting experience; and "Brand marketing experience that got a lot more kids to get fat from drinking Nesquik... which they bought at Target." Sign us up!

Josh uses an arcane advertising technique known as "exaggeration" to help his points stick in the head of you, his potential employer. "BREAKING NEWS: World-Famous Marketing Genius Josh Millrod Is Finally Available For Hire," he writes. The concealed witticism: Millrod is not, in fact, world famous (yet).

"I'm not quite as insane as this site might suggest... I promise," writes Josh. Cool!

Let's run down his resume: He's worked on campaigns for everyone from gangster rappers to Fortune 500 companies. And he's held five different jobs in the past year! That's the type of broad-based experience you want from a marketing genius/ 2006 graduate of Indiana University in Bloomington.

In conclusion, you are a foolish and incompetent businessman if you don't contact Josh Millrod with a job offer at once. And ladies, he "loves to read, hang out in coffee shops and watch zombie movies." So why don't you contact him, as well?

Let us know how it goes, Josh!

[UPDATE: Josh writes in to tell us that he put up this site as "a joke for some friends" and adds that "I'm really not a complete dickhead and it sucks to see people talk about me like I am." I believe him.]

[SCARJO PICTURES END HERE]

THE THREE SIX MAFIA STRIP CLUB TOUR SCHEDULE, SO IF YOU ARE ON EVEN A CRAPPY LITTLE LOCAL PAPER AROUND HERE YOU BETTER START BRAINSTORMING QUICK, FELLA:

Tennesse 3/17, 3/18, 3/19

Jackson, MS
3/20

Birmingham, AL
3/21

Atlanta, GA
3/22, 3/32, 3/24

Tucson, AZ
3/29

San Antonio, TX
3/30

Texas
3/31, 4/1, 4/2, 4/3, 4/4

Chicago
4/10, 4/11

Lake Forest, Il
4/12

Detroit, MI
4/13

St. Louis, MO
4/14