Cityfile reports that the suit was settled for no money, and the site was taken down, and all that remains is for Drew Kerr to get his cheap ass insurance company to pay his legal bills in this very important case of the fundamental right to douchetaggery. "All's well that ends well," Kerr told us this morning.

As you can see, it is officially legal to call Ronn Torossian a "douche." It is also accurate, when you contrast Ronn's $20 million LOLsuit with Ronn's own tendency to have his firm buy up web domain names of competitors (and bloggers) and impersonate people in online comments in flagrant examples of sock puppetry and scrub the Ronn Torossian Wikipedia page on what must be a near-daily basis.

"Much a-douche about nothing."

[A commenter went to the trouble of scanning this item below, which "may be the single greatest item ever run by the New York Law Journal." Thank you, sir.]

British gossip email Popbitch pulled up a story today from an obscure European website with pretty compelling evidence that state-run news agency Ria Novosti is taking pitch meetings in Brussels and want someone to play up the good things that the paranoid, genocidal dictator did. Good 'ol Joe kind of thing. (Even Hitler liked dogs.)

The conversation between a representative of the state-run agency and a bemused PR guy went thusly, as per the report:

the aim... is to help portray Russia as a benign great power entitled to negotiate with the likes of the US, China and the EU on global security and energy issues.

He added that part of the PR effort would be to cast a positive light on the actions of the Soviet Union before and after World War II in order to justify the idea that modern Russia should also impose its influence on neighbouring countries for the good of the world.

A senior executive at the PR firm in question recalled one particular exchange with the ...envoy: "I asked him 'Do you want us to say that Stalin was not such a bad guy?' And he said 'Well, I know it will be difficult.' I said 'So, you want history to be rewritten?' And he said 'Yes, in a way'.

There is no word on whether any agencies bit and took the contract, but the source also says that we should expect to see more 'but Stalin also did good things' news stories soon. It's part of an existing campaign, say Russian journalists, to rehabilitate Stalin within the country. New school textbooks now refer to him as "an efficient manager". Which I suppose is technically true.

Just reading this press release once is equivalent to obtaining a master's degree in Communications from a mid-tier public university.

"The Tyra Show"

International Exclusive: Woman with TWO Vaginas!

Click Here for Video: http://tyrashow.warnerbros.com/2009/01/woman_two_vaginas_lauren.php

Air Date: 11.6.09

(New York, NY) — It's a "Tyra Show" international exclusive, meet the woman who was born with two vaginas in an episode scheduled to air on Friday, November 6th.

Lauren Williams, who is now 29 years old, was born with two vaginas.

Lauren Williams: "I've got two uteruses. Just one to each (fallopian tube), then they go down to two cervixes, and then it did go down to the two vaginas."

Williams, who was diagnosed with two vaginas when she was 25-years-old, also believes she has 2 periods.

Lauren Williams: "I think so because my periods generally last about 21 days...When I was a teenager I had really heavy periods...I would have to change pads every hour."

Tyra also questions Williams on her ability to have children and was amazed by her answer.

Lauren Williams: "The doctor in England said pregnancy wise, it should be okay...if I do get pregnant it should push the other uterus over to one side and keep it out of the way. Me and my partner would need to plan on using condoms just in case I got pregnant in the other one."

Tyra Banks: "You're the only pregnant woman that can get pregnant while pregnant."

Tune in to find out what sex is like for Lauren and what 2 vaginas looks like!

MUST INCLUDE TUNE IN
"The Tyra Show" airs weekdays on The CW at 4:00 PM.

EPIC, a new luxury lifestyle, waterfront boutique hotel located in the heart of downtown Miami, is offering special rates for those visiting Miami to enjoy White Party Week events and festivities from November 25-30, 2009. Rates start from $119 - $249 per night, proceeds from each room booked will be donated to Care Resource.

To book, guests can visit www.epichotel.com and enter the rate code "WHITE."

Enter the rate code "WHITE." All the conspiracy theories are true.

[Thanks, M!]

"Younger employees help senior executives unlock social media mystery," declares a Chicago Tribune headline [via PRNewser]. What is this amazing mystery that has been unlocked? For Edelman—the world's largest independent PR firm, and one that loves to market itself as a "digital" expert that will help you, the corporation, navigate the wilds of the internet for a large, large fee—the mystery is, "How can we get people to pay us so much for this shit?"

"I am so all over this Delish thing," Cabot bubbled, punching up delish.com on her computer in her office at Edelman, a Chicago-based public relations firm.

"Oh, you're doing so well!" Spohn said delightedly, counting the recipes Cabot had collected on the food lovers' Web site. "Look, you've got so much!"

Her pride was as evident as the exchange was notable. Though Cabot, 56, is Edelman's central region president with more than 30 years in the business, she is the student. Spohn, a 23-year-old account executive on the firm's digital team, is the teacher.

Hahaha. Do you see what is going on here? Edelman, like many of its peers, is a PR firm that will charge your company a hefty fee for all the digital insight that its 23-year-old account executives can deliver. Because the people in charge aren't really so good on this "internet" thing. Which would be fine if they were not the same people in charge of convincing you, the client, to spend tens (or hundreds!) of thousands of dollars with Edelman for their expert strategic online influencing services. Their mentoring program for the olds is called "Rotnem" because that's "mentor" backwards and you must be a backwards-ass fool to pay money to a bunch of 23-year-olds to teach you how to make a Facebook page and shit at an Edelman markup, when you could get them off Craigslist for much, much cheaper.

"Edelman strongly advocates that companies participate with and engage online influencers." Did you know that Edelman, a massive corporate PR firm, started a blog called "Authenticities"? Edelman, how much do people pay you for your services? Because I am totally going to undercut your prices by one dollar, once the last media outlet finally stops paying employees. Please engage.

[Pic of Edelman's Global Head of Digital Strategy via Flickr]

Back in August, six lab workers drank coffee from the same coffee machine, and each fell ill almost immediately. One even passed out. They were all treated at the hospital. Investigators found that the coffee had been spiked with sodium azide, a preservative used in the labs that oh by the way is deadly. This news didn't come out until yesterday, when the Boston Herald broke the story. But hey, maybe this was just some sort of accident thing?

"An accident? Sodium azide is a poison," said David M. Benjamin, a toxicologist and Chestnut Hill-based clinical pharmacologist. "Absolutely not."

Whoa, okay, excuse us! Not everyone here is a toxicologist, Mr. Benjamin. Harvard is still being weirdly tight-lipped about the investigation of, ahem, Attempted Murder Most Foul. For PR reasons, doubtlessly—they saw what happened at Yale in the Annie Le case. Although they do note they're "installing more security cameras" in the medical school. So if you med students are gonna fuck there, fuck quick.
[Pic via]

We pulled out the frame of her (apparently) kicking at a cop, for fairness. Still, maybe those four or five full-grown adult male police officers could have managed to arrest the lady without shocking her into screaming submission? The lesson, here, of course, is that telling a cop "The world is watching" or similar outraged liberal thing while waving a camera will not prevent you from getting fucked up, by that same cop. Take note, hippies. [via Feministing]

The PR world is so backstabby.

Manhattan p.r. princess Ali Wise would hack into the voice mails of one of her love rivals to gather ammunition against her — then turn around and call her to taunt her with it, a source close to the case said yesterday.

Wise also made hang-up calls to pals of the victim, Briana Rasinski, with a device that left Rasinski's phone number on their caller IDs, the source said.

That's pretty psycho, allegedly! To be completely fair, I got an email from an (alleged) anonymous friend of Ali's defending her, saying "The tabloid press is mean-spirited and they don't fact check" (true) and "the girl is going thru hell" (probably true) and "She is funny, smart, pretty, vivacious and guys have always LOVED her" (seems plausible) and "Guys have been obsessed with her to the point where her friends jokingly ask Ali advice on how she make guys fall so hard! Ali could write the book!" (dunno).
There are two sides to every crazy, crazy story.
[Pic: Getty]

After former D&G flack Ali Wise got charged with four felonies yesterday for electronic eavesdropping and other fuckery, the New York Post asked itself: "Will her friends and colleagues stick by her crazy ass, now?" Which was itself a response to the question, "How can we keep this story going another day, in order to run another photo of Ali Wise in our newspaper?"

Anyhow the answer to the first question is "No," obviously. Nobody in their right mind would hire her for a similar PR position now, which is what everyone told the paper, duh. But the story was worthwhile for this paragraph alone:

Wise's spokesman disputed that she was unhireable, noting she "has been approached about many different opportunities and is currently serving as a consultant on several high-profile, philanthropic events in the media and entertainment industries."

MMM HMM. Haha. We hope so!
[Pic: Getty]

The most fascinating thing about Ali Wise's craziness is its very pedestrian nature—pedestrian on crystal meth, maybe, but still. She didn't snap and murder her ex's lover in a jealous rage; that's been done. Instead, she hacked into their voicemails, deleting messages as she went. It's a nightmare, because who would believe you when you told them you didn't return their call or make that appointment because your messages were surreptitiously deleted by a jealous, tech-savvy fashion publicist? The crime's unlikely nature is what makes it deadly (socially).

Anyhow, cops say that Ali didn't just go all Hackers on one lady interested in her ex, Downtown Records boss Josh Deutsch; she was all up in everybody's voicemail. The NYP reports:

As if to prove the axiom that publicists are forever on the phone, the 337 "hacked" calls Wise allegedly made into Freudenberger's cell and landline voice-mail systems were just the beginning.

She made at least 137 additional calls into the voice mails of Victim No. 2, at least 119 calls into the voice mails of Victim No. 3, and at least 102 calls into the voice mails of Victim No. 4, the criminal complaint says.

She's facing charges of trespassing, tampering, eavesdropping, and stalking. Girl, you know he's not worth it!
[Pic: Getty]

Much props to David Bass—who now works with plugged-in political PR firm Qorvis, [UPDATE: Bass actually left Qorvis a couple years ago, and is now with Raptor Strategies] after serving as deputy publisher at the Weekly Standard—for not hiding behind a "no comment." You can see how he might be embarrassed by the fact that the FBI said he "appeared drunk and abusive on the flight, demanding alcohol and refusing flight attendants' orders to sit down." Bass explained to Politico the stunning confluence of events that led up to his totally misunderstood behavior on the flight:

Bass said he wasn't drunk on the flight, but rather had been taking Benadryl for an allergic reaction.
"I didn't see any reason why I couldn't get a glass of wine," he said. "I was extremely sleep deprived. I have a bad history of traveling south."

Antihistamines combined with travel in a direction contrary to the preferences of one's internal compass? Any doctor will tell you that's a recipe for an airborne outburst—including crawling over the passenger next to you while demanding wine— through no fault of one's own. On top of that:

Bass said he had been in Honduras on a business trip and hadn't slept for five days before boarding a Continental Airlines flight from Houston to Washington on Friday.

Not sleeping for five fucking days? He's a hardworking professional. "It didn't seem like reality to me," Bass said. We bet! Update: Politico just updated their story to say he hadn't slept for three days, not five after Bass called to clarify that he had been traveling for five days and not getting much sleep.

[Politico]

Who's happiest of all that one huge financial news outlet (Bloomberg) bought another huge financial news outlet (Businessweek)? Flacks. Via Media Decoder:

"I think that News Corp. has reduced their reporting of core financial markets at The Wall Street Journal. and they haven't had a lot of competition, but now they will, which is great for those of us who are working to help companies get their message across," said Paul Taaffe, chief executive of Hill & Knowlton. "This is a big deal for financial news the world over. It is a total game changer for companies trying to release information, because now there is competition, and competition elevates everybody's game."

Huh. What he's actually saying here is "Bloomberg combining with BW means there's less competition and fewer news outlets, which makes the job of PR people easier." Fixed.


Big Think interviewed the New Yorker's Calvin Trillin. What did he have to say? Well, he says that kids these days don't really know shit about journalism, not like they used to, at least; and then in the second clip he says kids these days don't know shit about real journalism, not like they used to, at least. And he's right!


And meanwhile: The New Yorker has hired somebody. That's crazy! Well. They hired Nick Trautwein away from Penguin Press to replace departed senior editor Emily Eakin, who left the mag for medical reasons, according to John Koblin. Still. Hire?? Crazy!


Conde Nast dumped much of the sales staff at Brides and replace them with ex-Cookie staffers. But that might not have been the brightest idea—Keith Kelly says that move has caused "the magazine to hemorrhage ad pages." Well that's a totally unexpected consequence of an otherwise savvy management move. NOT, haha. Zinger.


The Washington Post has hired Katherine Zaleski away from the Huffington Post. Who's she? A well-connected, wealthy young woman with her own El Dorado apartment. Uh, journalism pays!

So when you look at the numbers, the heyday of the Soccer Mom is passing. They will continue to exert a measurable influence, but in a world of evolving microtrends, they are on the decline. And on the rise are single, urban workaholics, Internet-junkie empty nesters, and new immigrants taking root.

So, Mark Penn's Trademark Microtrends of The Future:

"Single, urban workaholics"= Alcopops
"Internet-junkie empty nesters"= Masturbating Bears
"New immigrants taking root"= Happenin' Latins

Pay this man one million dollars, at once.
[Pic: Getty]

We don't want you to automatically assume that the dream of a respectable corporate whore business career is dead, but it is. Example one: David Kratz, who sold out of a successful PR firm to go to art school, of all things. You can't paint money with a paintbrush and glitter and construction paper and safety scissors, David! Example two: young attorneys are being asked to "defer" the start of their soul-crushing corporate law careers to go flitting about outside the office bartending or waitressing or "hostessing" (ahem) or even pro-bonoing, which is completely beneath the grayish dignity of Morgan, Lewis & Bockius LLP and Orrick, Herrington & Sutcliffe LLP and other comically-monikered paper factories.

You people are doing it all wrong. The recession is not supposed to be about lawyers wasting valuable time to go trotting around hippieland "finding" themselves, without even billing the hours; the recession is supposed to be about family businesses shutting down and heartrending tales of people who already got laid off again after getting laid off the first time. The recession is supposed to be about failed land schemes in Alaska and retailers muttering futile prayers to Santa. And it's about debit card fees. More fucking stories about debit card fees than you ever could have imagined anyone would want to read, much less write. Jesus.
[Pic: The Flooz]

His new Microtrend: "Grandparents to the Rescue." Aww! Mark Penn is a cuddly scamp. Tell us, sir, where did you come up with the insightful and potentially profitable insider knowledge that led you to write this eye-opening [Summary: Recession's on, grandparents are working less, babysitting more] journalistic column?

We recently did a poll of grandparents in America, and the state of grandparental devotion in America is strong.

Who is this omniscient 'We?' It's Mark Penn's polling firm, Penn, Schoen & Berland Associates. Usually polling firms have to have PR people make up fake story angles from polls like this and then desperately pitch those angles to bored reporters. But Mark Penn can just write it up in his very own WSJ column!

Your decisionmaking skills are vindicated, WSJ. Carry on.

The NYT sent a trained journalist to stroll amongst the masses out at a park, in New York City. She found that—despite the fact that smokers are nasty baby killers who should just go stand over there (no, farther over there)—people are not so hot on banning citizens from engaging in solitary activities in the park. What's next, masturbation?

"Where else are people going to go where they can enjoy themselves because it's free? Except the jail or the park, that's it."

A man can't enjoy himself in the park or in jail these days! Mayor Bloomberg is defending this nannyish notion, but, come on, did you see his speech at his "party" last night? All the speechwriters in town can't hide the fact that you're a nerd, Mayor Mike. A big one.
[Pic via]