Meghan McCain would make an excellent 13-year-old. As a columnist, she is a thought-murdering demon of stupefaction. Today, she haz a sad about Barack Obama.

Recently vindicated kidnap, rape and torture victim Elizabeth Smart has taken a job at ABC News, according to The Daily Beast, where she'll be a regular contributor to Good Morning America, and possibly other properties. But her own nine-month child abduction nightmare is behind her, an ABC spokesperson assures; this…

In your ardent Monday media column: accountability comes to punditry, PR replaces journalism, the NYT's front page quick change artistry, longer newscasts tonight, and everybody loves People.com.

The Washington Post hasn't had much luck with its own crappy Op-Ed columnists, so the paper's launching another contest to find "America's Next Great Pundit." As a public service, we've assembled this surefire guide to scoring this low-paid, part-time gig.

Ted Nugent was a special guest on Hannity last night, where he said "we, the Tea Partiers" are sick of Obama "spitting on the U.S. Constitution, the Bill Of Rights, the Ten Commandments, the Golden Rule." You tell 'em, Nuge!

The socialist Obamacare bill has conservative columnists scrambling for any lame historical analogy they can scrap together. But the hottest one, Napoleon's Waterloo, is being used for the commies and the God-fearing patriots. Straighten this out guys, it's getting confusing!

We all saw the Daily Show fact-checking Fox clip, right? Where Hannity reused 9/12 rally footage and pretended it was from last week? Guess what: Hannity is going to "respond" tonight, on his show! So we'd better all watch!

Glenn Beck's doing well in the ratings these days. So well, that Bill O'Reilly doesn't mind letting his viewers know what he thinks of Beck, and that Beck doesn't mind letting his viewers know what he thinks of them. Frankness?

Formerly bow-tied assclown and teenage gaybasher Tucker Carlson may have given up his bowties, but he's still dedicated to the art of assclowning. Story: some kids sing song about Obama at school. Sean Hannity rages. And Carlson starts to speak.

Well well well! We liberals have caught Bill O'Reilly in another of his hypocritical lies! That conservative blowhard can't get away with announcing his... support of a government-backed public insurance option?

God. Damn. As both an incredible commentary on where MTV has gone and how far Julia Allison's managed to take herself, we present to you Ms. Julia Allison's MTV debut, on Alexa Chung's new show.

We thought we'd read nothing worse today than Kathryn Jean Lopez's op-ed on John Ensign's affair. But then we read her NRO colleague Andy McCarthy on how Obama is totally an Islamist Fundamentalist!

Larry Sabato, the omnipresent pundit and prognosticator who was revealed last week to call races in favor of congressman who send earmarks to his Institute for Politics, says he will work harder at disclosing his relationships with political benefactors.

Larry Sabato is a quote-mongering political scientist at the University of Virginia who's always talking to reporters because he likes talking. And if you're a congressman pal who directs millions in earmarks to Sabato's organization, he'll say whatever you like.

So rabid nutcase pundit Laura Ingraham called Meghan McCain fat. Wonderful, now we're stuck with her, Laura.

So when you watch the debates, do you stick around for the analysts and pundits afterwards? Do you find out how Chris Matthews and David Gergen and Larry King felt? Do you need to find out what the conventional wisdom is before you go to bed? Figure out the narrative, find out who "won" in the eyes of the newsmedia?…