But who can be expected to do a good job as a one-man show in the swiftly professionalizing business of pretending to be an amateur? Even the gossips aren't doing the gossiping themselves. Even Perez Hilton is too busy hobnobbing with the people he ostensibly writes about to personally deface their photos anymore. It's understandable. Being yourself online is a full-time job. Ideally, for someone else.

The notion that blogs and Twitter will replace gossip has been around for a while. What's left for the tabloids if the stars reveal everything themselves? The gossip rags ought to fade away as celebrities interact with fans directly, and tell their stories their own way. Or so goes the webheads' theory.

But as Hollywood actors and musicians adopt Twitter en masse, the theory's getting a real-time test — and proving wanting. It turns out that media gatekeepers were really saving celebrities from themselves. As anyone who's written a magazine profile knows, what editors and readers want is an appealing, well-told story — not a numbing stream of trivia. And that means discarding far more material than one can ever use.

Facebook, Twitter blogs, and other media of the moment are a repository for that cutting-room floor — the ephemeral discards of mostly mundane lives. One man's trash is sometimes another man's treasure. But more often, it's just trash.

"It's inherently silly and it's inherently dumb," John Mayer, the musician and former Jennifer Aniston paramour told E! last week. Wise of Mayer to figure this out, though a bit late, since his Twitter addiction reportedly spurred his most recent breakup with Aniston. Mayer's smart enough to realize that Twitter is making him look like a fool to loved ones and strangers alike — but not smart enough to stop using it.

Courtney Love, meanwhile, is getting sued by a designer, Dawn Simorangkir, whose wares she once fancied, over ranting comments the professional Kurt Cobain widow left on MySpace and Twitter. Love has never been known for her self-control: Witness her unprovoked '90s-era rant about cheese, unleashed on an unsuspecting zine editor. But media which enable her to talk unfiltered 24/7 give us all too much insight into an obviously unbalanced mind.

Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton likewise have done themselves no favors in their blogging habits. Far from correcting their louche reputations, their overshares have cemented it.

Then there's the notion that fans would just sit back and receive all this information without comment. Jamie Spears, Britney's dad, is suing BreatheHeavy.com, a Britney Spears fan site, for allegedly invading his daughter's privacy. "I will destroy your ass!" Jamie Spears reportedly told BreatheHeavy webmaster Jordan Miller. (In fact, Jamie Spears may be mad about BreatheHeavy's aggressive questioning of the conservatorship arrangement under which he controls his daughter's finances.)

What's the solution? These people all need professional help. But since they're unlikely to spend the time they need on the psychiatrist's couch, they'll doubtless end up hiring assistants adept in social media. Ghostwritten Twitters are the hot new Hollywood must-have.

Every tweet will be media-coached. Every blog will be relentlessly edited — and then have typos inserted for authenticity. (Is that why someone pretending to be Rachael Ray consistently misspelled the cooking-show personality's name on a Yahoo blog?) The kids who are pretending to be celebrities on Twitter today will no doubt get paid to do it in the future.

Hilariously incompetent flack Jonathan Jaxson, who recently settled his legal spat with client Kim Zolciak of real Housewives of Atlanta, seems to be a pioneer here — in the sense that all pioneers get arrows in their back.

(Photo of Mayer by Getty Images; Spears by X17 Online)

Rachel Ray: You blogged a lot leading up to the race about worrying about your nipples. There is no nice way to say this, your nipples bleed from the friction and stuff.

Ryan Reynolds: Weird things happen to you. Thankfully all three nipples are fine. I was really concerned because I was at the finish line two years ago, and I watched these people coming in and it was like watching the music video to “Thriller.” It was really horrifying to watch, and I thought what am I going to do about this? I know you’re supposed to put Vaseline on, and some people said if you put Vaseline on if your chest you’re going to be fine. I was like, should I wear a running bra? Will people know?

Hold the phone, now! Can the eternally barechested Reynolds really have a third nipple that has somehow escaped scrutiny? A Google image search for "Ryan Reynolds shirtless" turned up no discernible evidence (yet still felt completely worthwhile), though an invaluable blog named Quadnips mentions that Reynolds is rumored to be superfluously endowed. Ryan, we're waiting for proof. We'll take a high-res photo (sans Weinstein Co. doctoring) or an in-person examination. We're not choosy!

• Rachael Ray

The Food Network is getting into the competitive eating genre with a new series tentatively titled Eat the Clock.

The show, from Pie Town Prods. (Rachael Ray's Tasty Travels), is described as a cross between an eating competition and The Amazing Race. Two teams of contestants rush to various Los Angeles eateries and gorge themselves in face-stuffing challenges.

The Hollywood Reporter notes also that the pilot will shoot soon, ready for a first-quarter premiere should it get picked up. And while it doesn't necessarily uphold Hurl!'s mandatory ralphing standards, the prospects of a voracious tandem accidentally stumbling into the Newsroom Cafe's C-rated kitchen with a mandate to win or go home seems like a competitive twist we could get behind. Or better yet, a tie-in finding the actual fruit of Rachael Ray's "tasty travels" launched 10 feet across her kitchen in a compelling Food Network first. Our moms would love it.

• Food Network eyes competitive eating [THR]

• The Rachael Ray Show

Admitted anorexic Aaron Ferguson just filed suit in Manhattan, alleging that his boss — the "Rachael" accountant — slammed the show's executive-in-charge, Priscilla Taussig, as "too skinny to do her job," demeaned anorexics as "sick in the head," and even commented, "Did you see Priscilla today ... all you can see are her sickly bones."

It doesn't take too much of a leap to find the implicit humor in a cooking show accused of discriminating against its employees for being too skinny. But when you factor in that the show in question was none other than Dunkin' Jihadist Rachael Ray's, the flaky layers of delicious irony practically melt in your mouth—as who would ever have thought that as she was busy fattening America up with the details of her signature Eleven Cheese Crusty Broccoli Casserole, the people processing her payroll were wasting away right underneath her button nose all along.

• Rachael's Show Hates the Skinnies [TMZ]

• Ray Is Latest Celeb Accused of Ara-fashion [abcnews.go.com]

A spokesperson for the Rachael Ray show confirms the report. "Yes we did receive a legal complaint from Telepictures about Rachael Ray's tribute to Rosie. We think the complaints are invalid and without merit. We stand by the show. And, it will air as scheduled ... May 2."

The source suggested that Telepictures waited until the last minute in hopes that Ray's producers would balk, and can their pre-taped tribute to O'Donnell. "It's unbelievable," said the source. "They didn't just want to pull b-roll, they wanted the whole show off the air."

A spokesperson from Telepictures denied the complaint and said, "We love Rosie and can't wait to watch the show."

Despite Telepictures's grinchy efforts, the show aired without interruption today, delighting fans of both loud-mouthed personalities with an unabashedly nostalgic walk down Rosie memory lane, topped off by Ray's no-fuss, no-muss recipe for an "absolutely yum-o" Koosh Ball-and-cheese casserole. We've included O'Donnell's entertaining recollection of the first time she met Martha Stewart—in prison—above. ("The flavor of lemon" is now our de facto response to any question asked of us: Try it. It always works.)

• 'Ellen' wants 'Rachael Ray's' Rosie tribute nixed [MSNBC]

• nationalenquirer.com
• NATIONAL ENQUIRER: FACE-OFF BETWEEN OPRAH & RACHAEL RAY! [coverawards.com]

Some of what King World told HuffPost this morning:

"The "Rachael Ray" show is one of the best talk show performers and during the recently completed February sweeps period there was only one show performed better — Dr. Phil. In today's Broadcasting & Cable you can see a story about how well we did during the February sweep that saw Oprah was down 15% from last February, Regis and Kelly was down 16%, Tyra Banks down 13% and Martha Stewart down 27%. [...]

[I]f we want to talk median ages in first run syndication let's talk about Regis at 56.1, Oprah at 54.6, Wheel of Fortune 64.1 and Jeopardy at 63.2. Our show has a wide appeal with audiences in all age groups."

And don't even get them started on such geriatric syndie smashes as Maury at 89.3, Merv Griffin's Crosswords at 94.5, and Judge David "Justice with a Snap" Young at 117.9! Once you put the numbers into perspective, Ray's 55.1 median age makes her audience the tweens of the syndicated viewership market. Certainly, with this youthful, trendy, spend-happy demo—the twolds—in her corner, Ray has nothing to worry about where cancellation is concerned.

• Report: Rachael Ray Getting The Ax, King World Vehemently Denies [HuffPo]

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• Rachael Ray Show

Fresh from being tricked on The View into asking Lake on a date, now watch in amazement as the 30-minute-meal guru hovers over Cusack like a freshly baked broccoli, cheese and bacon casserole. As Ray tosses aside a cue card obviously compiled by some Cusack-illiterate to ask her own questions, the Better Off Dead star's reaction can only be described as being about as enthused as someone who's just been gifted with a bag of rocks and screwdrivers from an overzealous fan.

• Rachael Ray Show