In an epic, 27-minute-long rant, Kanye West vowed to stop talking shit "for a long time."

When customers unfairly rant about poor service on Facebook, most companies just turn the other cheek. But one Washington business decided to respond in full to one irate client's accusations — and was rewarded with a hefty return on investment.

It's cold out there this morning. Crowded, too. Lots of folks are going to work. The subways are crowded. If it is not too much of an imposition, please indulge us as we raise one more item of concern about how we must all behave on mass transit.

Rep. Paul Ryan (R-Wisc.) and his artificially obsidian widow's peak are running for president in 2016. Yesterday's events proved this, as surely as Ryan's continued political survival proves bros are the indestructible cockroaches, the reinventing Madonnas, the injured-but-always-starting Derek Jeters of humanity.

There are plenty of reasons to be cross with President Barack H. Obama. Glad-handing with Raul Castro—the Fredo Corleone of Cuba's ruling Castro family—isn't one of them.

The New York Times reported yesterday that JPMorgan Chase is under federal investigation for hiring the children of China's elite with the explicit goal of boosting the bank's business prospects. Good. Nepotism on Wall Street is just as gross as nepotism at the media outlets that cover Wall Street.

Stephen Marche is a terrible writer and a terrible sexist. He wrote a terrible Sunday Times essay about how men will never do more housework, so chicks should chill out and accept filth. A better move for Stephen Marche would have been to shut the fuck up and pick up after himself.

You passed on long before anyone informed you—
A majority minority, clinging to your faith in the good old order,
Until that Intro to Mass Communications lady spoiled it all!

There are worthy rants and there are unworthy rants. And then there's whatever Colorado news anchor Kyle Clark was doing during yesterday's 4 PM newscast.

And just like that, the New York-Chicago Pizza Wars are over.

The new Pope, Francis: great guy. He loves the poor. He's cool with atheists. He's even pretty chill about gay marriage and abortions. Yesterday's photos of him embracing a severely disfigured man were genuinely touching. Still, the best thing that this nice Pope could do would be to dismantle the Catholic Church.

I really hope that in a few months' time, we don't find out that Kanye West has some personality disorder or other mental-health issue, because watching him react to the world is just too damn fun and I never want to feel bad about enjoying him.

As the Great American Suburban Experiment comes to an ignominious end, some of the suburb's most destructive totems are falling out of fashion. Garages are far less popular than they used to be, thank god. And now, it is time to take on the other suburban monstrosity that afflicts this great nation like a plague:…

As the world waits with bated breath for the emergence of the latest—and cutest—member of the British Royal Family, allow us to put forth a gentle reminder: In a just world, this innocent child would be going up for adoption, since its family would have been imprisoned for crimes against humanity.

Gawker has obtained audio of an alleged Kanye West erratically justifying his interruption of Taylor Swift's acceptance speech during the 2009 MTV Video Music Awards ("Because I wrote my ['Run This Town'] verse in two days, Taylor Swift cannot beat Beyoncé"), ranting about not being asked to perform at the ceremony…

Now that we have officially entered the "hot as hell" portion of the year, it's time for a certain type of elitist East Coast male to begin his annual smear campaign targeted at the wearing of shorts by men. Who will be brave enough to stand up for the righteousness of the shorts-wearing man? We will.

Don't Talk by Kanye West