on sunday my partner and i were walking down saline beach and who do we see??? that crazy climbing 'social' bitch alex mccord and her gay husband simon... with their kids. they were at the end of the beach, in a sort of wash area where runoff gets trapped in a pool. walked over, and was freaked out because they were butt as naked. kids too. i mean, really. saw simon's junk, and the bare ass and tits of the REAL HOUSEWIFE. they weren't trying to hide their ASSets at all. listen, this is st barts, and naked it ALL OVER, and i love that the french are so free... but it ALWAYS creeps me out when americans go topless here because i know it's not really our custom... but
DAMN, completely nude?? a 'celebrity'??? PS - simon's cock kind of big, just too bad it's attached to such a douche.

"Why wouldn't we do the show again?" Simon recently told New York magazine. "I mean, it's a total success. [Nine years ago] we were sitting around on our fourth or fifth date, at the Blue Water Grill, and Alex was telling me that she wants to be a famous actress and I'm sitting there going, 'Darling, if you were a famous actress, we wouldn't be sitting here on the sidewalk having dinner.' " Haha. Um. Sigh.

Simon, ever the ridiculous idiot, later elaborates:

It made social climbing out to be much more important to us than it is. I've always loved to study people. I mean, for example, Jill's from Long Island, and boy, that shows. You can see these sorts of people from areas outside Sydney and London as well. As for us, well, I use the Dickensian phrase: Who doesn't want to improve their station in life? Everyone does.

...'Darling, if you were a famous actress, we wouldn't be sitting here on the sidewalk having dinner.' "

Alex: "And then I said, 'Oh, yes, we would. It's just that there would be ten people taking our picture.' "

Simon: "And now we have that."

Chaim_Gnadelstein's new line beats the original, "But Where Are The Nine?"

Tuesday night, Page Six spotted LuAnn "Countess" de Lesseps holed up with a hot, younger man at the NBC Upfront party on the roof of the Empire Hotel. A spokesman for the count ess told us: "There's noth ing to it. She was with friends."

Holed up on a roof? It sounds like a sniper rifle should be involved, and perhaps a mow-down of some of the other monstrous women on the show.

[Post]

"Now Bravo producers are looking to capitalize on her kookiness for the next season of 'Real Housewives of New York City.'

"'They're approaching Trisha for the second season,' our source says. 'Nothing has been confirmed yet, but they think she would make a great addition to the show.' Officially, Bravo reps say, 'As for Season 2, we've announced we've been picking it up, but no other decisions have been made so far concerning cast.'" [NYDN]

The Countess was sniffing a lot of cheese and putting the shopkeeper to work her at Cheeses on 62nd (near Lex). Daughter was also in tow, and they both looked exactly as they do on the show. The daughter had that permanently embarassed look that most girls her age with reality show mothers tend to get. Honestly if I hadn't heard her throaty voice she would've just been another UES mom in a barncoat with a be-legginged teenage daughter moping at her side.

Meanwhile Bethenny went to the racetrack for her birthday, where her father's creepy friend Lou gave her a little black negligee. Because, um, I don't know. Ew. It was a truly uncomfortable moment, but one that Bethenny handled with a bit of her usual good character. LuAnn took the fam to the Statue of Liberty, where old grampa de Lesseps (well, actually her husband) yammered on about the family's history and how important they are. There's something so wicked and menacing about LuAnn's face, isn't there? I really think she would kill a man if she felt she had to. And poor Alex... Well, poor Simon, I guess. After some awkward vibrator conversation (also, what's with his extremely loud and grating laugh?), he learned that his step-father passed away back in Australia. This means he was forced to return down under and be apart, for a long long time, from his dear, horsehair beard. Their insane bond is a bit startling.

And that's it my friends! I have to admit that I didn't watch this episode very closely, as I was busy attending to real life matters. Imagine that. But what about this show as a whole? What does it say about us, about New York City, about housewives? Well, actually, not all that much. It tells us that five women somewhere in this farkakte city are willing to let their ambitions and pettiness balloon and lift them, fake parts and all, into the grainy heavens of TV fame. I just don't think they realize that those balloons have already popped and they've plummeted all the way down to the bottom. And that's really the joy of these shows, isn't it? Wasn't it Oscar Wilde who said "we're all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars"? Except, some of us in the gutter aren't looking at the stars, we're looking at other people in the gutter who think they're in the stars, looking down at the people in the gutter. So. There you go.

Will this be the last of the New York ladies? No! It's coming back. Yay!(?) Also upcoming? The Real Housewives of New Jersey, about five wealthy "McMansion"-living suburbanites who navigate the chilly ennui of leaves falling from the trees every autumn and the first blush of crocuses in the springtime. Or something. Good Lord.

Was being in Playboy part of the new mommy celebration? And what about those other, decidedly more raunchy naked pictures you took with photographer Bob Coulter? You know, the ones that can be found here, here, here, here, and here. Were those post-pregnancy celebrations as well? Just fess up! Naked pictures can make you famous! And you and your homosexual husband really, really want to be famous, don't you? Ugh. This woman continues to reduce her life to a hideous, squirmy, sad embarrassment.
[Take a Report]

Jill: Jill stayed mostly in the background this week, letting Bethenny host a dinner party at her house, looking appalled by Ramona's bad behavior, and trotting over to Greenwich Westport, CT where her sister, Lisa Wexler, was having a little celebration for her radio show. The sister-interviewing-sister moment was sort of nice, even if during the chat, about Jill's courageous struggle for success, the Housewife came across as simply a normal lady who married a rich guy.

Countess LuAnn: Ohhh LuAnn. I mean Mrs. de Lesseps! The Countess got very upset when Bethenny introduced her to a driver as LuAnn, rather than Mrs. de Lesseps. She was shocked! Just shocked! "It's a respect thing," she idiotically and hypocritically told Bethenny (who was admirably aghast at the whole situation). This is all delightful coming from some trash bag foreign TV hostess who happened to marry some old dude whose family purchased nobility while building the Suez Canal. Before the car incident happened, Bethenny and LuAnn (fuck her "respect") were having cocktails in the Chateau de Lesseps ("it's a house, not an apartment") when LuAnn's sad little son Noelle came down and asked if he could go to dinner with them. Of course not, replied LuAnn. Kids don't go to this restaurant. People would be scandalized. "It's taco night!" she reminded Noelle, referring, I'm sure, to the dinner that housekeeper Rosanna had prepared. He responded glumly: "You're never home for taco night."

Bethenny: Bethenny spent a lot of time this episode looking horrified. Whether it was in reaction to LuAnn's bullshit, Ramona's crazy lady antics, or Alex's raggedy rundown Brooklyn flop house, Bethenny perfected her flabbergasted stare. She is, happily, back together with her boyfriend and puttering along with her cooking career. I genuinely like Bethenny. She actually seems like a real person, with real smarts, who doesn't give a shit about "society." Her catch phrase of the evening, an incredulous yet sincerely curious "Who cares??", ably summed up the entire series.

Ramona: Ramona is a crazy person. When invited to Bethenny's dinner party (at Jill's house) she initially didn't want to go because "it's raining cats and buckets." But then she reversed gears and got all excited for a girls' evening (another kind of "taco night," if you will) and tromped on over to the party. But! Scandal! Alex, of course, invited her gay valet/husband Simon, making it not quite the girls' night that Ramona hoped for. And she let everyone know it, including Simon. "Why is he here??" she bellowed. Then during dinner, following a discussion about what it means to be "classy," she got up and left during the middle of the meal. A few days later, after drunkenly dancing at the Hawaiian Tropics Zone for some sort of Eligible Bachelor event, she apologized to Bethenny and explained that she'd forgotten to tell everyone that she had additional plans that evening. She and Bethenny (who, much to Ramona's delight, called her "tart but sweet, like a Pomegranate-tini") later bonded over more booze and a shared distrust of men. Ramona is pretty broken. That much is clear.

Alex: Alex and Simon, so pathetically and bizarrely honest about their social climbing, had $5,000 opening night tickets to the Met. Alex wore her hideous animal-print dress. The limo got stuck in traffic so they hoofed it on foot, only to arrive to uninterested red carpet photographers and missed "networking" opportunities. Later, the pair looked through the Sunday Styles section to see if Alex got a mention. "It's a big deal," Alex said of such a write-up. And yes, she was there. Well, a photo of her back at least. (And do you know, dear friends, who was on the front page of Sunday Styles that very week? Your dear old friend LolCait. Haha! Suck it, Alex!) Also in the episode, Francois had a birthday party and Bethenny was invited so she could get some experience around children (I guess?) Bethenny was indeed good with the children (mostly because she had no interest in hanging out with the adults) but was shocked at the ramshackle state of the McCord household. Bare floors, half-finished paint jobs, a weird gay Australian man. Just despicable. Alex ignored it and actually proceeded to have a somewhat meaningful conversation with Bethenny about love and children and sadness. Good for them.

What does next week's finale have in store for us? It looks as though Ramona may finally have to answer for her shitty behavior.

9:15am, Friday,April 4- 77th street stop, 6 train. I rush down to the platform and stand next to a petite woman tapping away on her BB. Status Quo for this stop. Train arrives, and we all step in- this petite thing looks up at me,directly into my eyes and lo and behold- RAMONA!! Now, I have lived in NYC for my whole life, and have seen plenty of sightings, but none more exciting than this! She is an enigma to me. At first, there was familiarity but I didn't recognize her. When I did, I certainly did not want her to KNOW I did. Ironically, she stared deep into my eyes almost searching for recognition. You could smell the desperation. We rode together two stops and boy, did i check her out on the sly head to toe. Pointy little boots, tacky orange hued fur coat, bad highlights and mascara boogers! HOMEGIRL is just regular folk- schlepping on the 6 train with all of us- HA!

Bethenny, the thirty-and-flirty unmarried one broke up with her boyfriend, and proceeded to drink herself stupider. In a dumpy townhouse across the river, it was Alex "Grace Jones in whiteface" McCord's birthday, so her gay friend/husband Simon planned a little nautical surprise party (sailorsss!). Sad, boozy Bethenny got a pity invite, which I'm sure the so-very-posh Alex and Simon immediately regretted after they saw her chugging tequila and mumbling peculiar tone poems to strangers. Silex (like it?) took her aside to make sure she was OK, but it was really just an excuse to do some insincere and evil-looking "concerned" mugging for the precious, precious cameras. Eventually everyone but Silex was ushered off the boat or thrown into the sea, which left the pair alone to have a weird dinner and suck face grotesquely. (Random fact: someone tried to sell us naked pictures of Ms. McCord. Like, for money. Gross.)

Upholstery mogul Jill didn't do much but have some boring problem with her dawwwgs and give some fairly reasonable advice to Bethenny, who was still hurting and decided to flee to Miami for an $1,000 a night hotel stay and booze fest. She didn't get much cheering up, though. When she was there, an old friend from boarding school told her that her eggs were all dry and stale and shriveling up. Nice. Finally Ramona, the one who really belongs on/in Orange County, took her sullen and bratty 12-year-old daughter Avery and her little friends (what a great/terrible age) to a fancy hair salon called Amour De Hair, so they could get all gussied up for a big school dance. One of Avery's friends (Whatsherfuck McGee, I believe) was so precocious and insane that I actually became a little frightened. "If you got it, work it!" she shrieked to Ramona, who later tried to learn how to dance sexy. From her 12-year-old daughter. Man alive I wish I could show you the whole episode, but alas I cannot. Hopefully clips of Alex and Simon fake-comforting Bethenny and crazy Ramona and the ridiculously weird girls at the hair salon will suffice. "Only in New York, kids. Only in New York." [Long, painful barf.]