Ideally the Somali pirates would go around, swashbuckling, but not actually killing people, and they wouldn't mess with Americans, because America kicks ass all over the world, thank you very much. Then we could keep the Pirate Folk Hero thing alive, no big deal. But look guys, how can we secretly idolize your unrestrained manliness when you are not really beating anybody at anything?

Example A: Five pirates who hijacked a Yemeni ship were killed by the special forces of Yemen—a nation which we did not even know had special forces.

Example B: Pirates tried to jack an Italian cruise ship but the captain had his security guys shoot back and then the pirates ran away. Um.

Hey Somali pirates, get with the program or get out. You guys are totally wrecking the fantasy lives of pirate re-enactors:

"Most of us don't consider what's going on there true piracy. They sound more like terrorists. Or thugs," complained Christine Markel Lampe, who edits No Quarter Given, a pirate re-enactor newsletter.

Christine is the only person that the pirates defeated today.
[Pic via]

Boomp3.com

Bucking the latest Hollywood fad, hunky indie film star Mark Ruffalo carried his own luggage after he landed in Toronto. The Brothers Bloom star is in town for the annual film festival and felt that carrying his own luggage was the normal thing to do. Ruffalo said, "It's my stuff. It's my wife's stuff. So, why make some driver carry it? It wasn't his decision to pack fourteen different outfits. It was my stylist's decision. Actually, come to think of it, she should be the one carrying all this stuff."

[Photo Credit: INF Daily]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

At a charity auction/promote-a-thon at overdone NYC clurrrb Tenjune, Slade was humiliated on the block:

But the evening's climax came when Slade stepped up to the auction block. The final auction of the night, Slade initially went for $2,250 — but the winning bidder never stepped up to claim her prize. When the auctioneer backpedaled and tried to give Slade away to the $2,000 bidder, she went mum as well, forcing the organizers to restart the auction (while Jo danced on a banquette away from the stage, cheering on the debacle). "This is New York, I thought there was more money than that," Slade said to the crowd. Upon re-bid, he ended up selling for a measly $1,200.

Ha! Serves you, stupid. Why don't you go cry to all your guy friends. You know, like Ridge and Shipsmast and Northdakota.