We also got rid of our least favorite sub plot last night, but it was at the expense of Mr. Schuester leading our Glee kids to their inevitable sectional victory. That Sue Motherfucking Sylvester was also on a tear, and not being her sarcastic cutesy self. She was a hyena with carcass blood smeared all over her sneer, and she was out for murder. Also, everyone makes fun of the Glee kids and they love it. Next week Rachel is going to do a "You Spin Me Right Round" number in full S&M gear. Just you wait.

And we got our latte of pain with some ironic cocoa powder sprinkled on top thanks to the song selection which was all about sunshine and light and smiling. Yippee! Let's walk on sunshine through the choruses.

"Smile": Though this Lily Allen track may sound like a pretty ditty it is really a symphony of schadenfreude, with the singer laughing at the pain of her ex. How sadistic that this is what Rachael uses to get Finn ready for their co-captain yearbook shot. But before we get there, just who are these people in the band and where do they come from? If they're fellow music nerds, why wouldn't they just be in the Glee club? And how long are we going to go on using them and pretending they're not there? Shouldn't one of them get a joke or a story line or ask Mercedes out on a date or something?

These band members may just be part of the student body, which really loves defacing the Glee Club photo in the yearbook each year. Yearbooks are for doodling, but then why don't the Glee kids go and deface the cheerleaders picture? What's going to happen if they do? The cheerleaders are going to hate them and have their football player boyfriends throw Slushie in their faces? Too late. But they're a bunch of wimps, so when the principal bans the Glee photo from the yearbook so that it won't further humiliate the students, they don't protest. And why, oh why, Babygay Kurt, in your library research of past Glee photos didn't you unearth Mr. Schue's from back in the day?

Of course it was Sue MF Sylvester who really had it out for the little club that could. We don't know what happened to her at Thanksgiving, but it must have been worse than one of our horror stories, because her little quibble with the club turned into a vicious vendetta. She isn't acting because she hates them, she's doing this because she enjoys watching them suffer.

Just like all the New Directions kids love watching Rachael make a fool of herself. When Rachael, the secretary of the Muslim student's association, and Will insist that their club get a photo in the yearbook, Principal Figgins agrees, but there is only room for two people. The club elects Rachael of course. She wants the job, and none of them like her, so (like daft cheerleader Brittany says) they'll be the ones drawing a mustache on Ms. Barry.

Still, she convinces Finn to join her in the picture, and he agrees because his identity is more and more linked to being the big stud of the troupe. However, the football players are having way too much fun with his eventual humiliation. When they put a Sharpie to his face in real life, that's more than he can bear and he ditches Rachael for their modest photo shoot. Oh, the cackles of teens can be like razors.

"When You're Smiling": We only get a bar of this standard, but it's more than enough to make a point. The song is about overcoming disappointment and sadness and doing something to make your situation better, and Rachael needs that message when she's dissed by Finn for about the 7,543,319th time. He's not coming to take a picture, and he's not going to serenade you at your window, Rachael. Time to move on!

She gets into character right quick with a little pep talk reminding herself that it's lonely at the top and to stop caring what people think about her. As much of a bitch as Rachael can be, she really is quite a strong person to maintain her delusions of grandeur in the face of such staunch opposition. While her smile turns on the camera, it's her tears that really win the crowd over. By crying on demand and begging the cameraman, she books the club in a TV commercial. The whole world's smiling with them.

Quinn is trying to turn her frown upside down by getting reinstated in the Cheerios. Maybe if she got rid of that stupid side-pony-braid combination that she keeps sporting they'll let her back in. After getting kicked out by Sue and scorned by all the other girls (including the two who are in Glee with her), it's funny that so much of her status is wrapped up in being the chief flying monkey for wicked witch Sue MF Sylvester. She doesn't want her future "real" kids to think of her as some loser, but as a wonderful popular cheerleader. How is she going to do that? But forgetting her sorrow and convincing SMFS that she belongs on the squad.

The one really gritting her teeth and grinning through it is Emma, who is no longer getting married in Hawaii but at the VFW hall in Lima, Ohio, to a man that she doesn't love and doesn't have good hygiene. Of course that means she can't go with her beloved Will to see the kids at sectionals, since the ceremony is the same day, but she has decided that plunging into a life-long mercy fuck is the right thing to do and maybe if she smiles at it, eventually it will all be better. This story line is wearing as thin as an anorexic after a bout with H1N1, but we loved that Emma basically told Will to get over himself and stop assuming that she loves him. She knows pining away for him will end badly. Marrying Ken won't be much better, but she's hoping that by pouring sunshine all over it, she'll end up with a rainbow.

"Jump": Have you ever paid attention to the lyrics of this Van Halen chart topper? Me neither, and that's because they really don't make much sense. They're really just throw-away sentiment for a killer rock song. That said, we're taking the "jump" of the title to be a leap of faith or a call to some sort of drastic action.

Will didn't so much as jump, but was pushed when he found Terri's fake baby bump in her drawer. Finally, the fake pregnancy is over! Amen. It ended pretty well too. The scene between Will and Terri in the kitchen was a doozy as she desperately tries her best to manipulate him even though she knows her plot is over. The "Evil sister Kendra stole the baby bump from the maternity store" excuse was a dilly—It was so good, it's amazing it didn't work. The reason it didn't is because Will knows that Terri is one fucked-up, crazy bitch who would lie about being pregnant. He knows she's flawed but loves her anyway, for some strange reason.

Terri's rationale for why she did it is a little bit flawed. She says that Will is in love with her high school self, not the real Terri, and she had to save the marriage. That's a little hard for us to imagine, since we have no clue what she was like back then (flashback episode full of '90s classics, please!), but she knows there is something fundamentally wrong with the pairing. She blames his involvement with the club, but it's much deeper than that, and (as crazy as she may be) she's smart enough to know it. So, Will takes the big jump and moves into the Glee club's rehearsal room, where he finds a stack of mattresses, the payment for the crew's commercial.

Speaking of which, the spot in itself is a joy, but what was really great about it was watching Rachael make the jump from being a self-serving diva to doing something for the good of the team. While they all talk about how they will forget the little people when they're famous, the joy from their performance comes from the fun that they have as a collective. It's great that we're really starting to believe this. I want to be in the club too. I'd even go back to high school just to sign up. OK, maybe not...

The one who has really started benefiting from being a team member is Ms. Quinn Fabray, who uses her years under the bitchtastic tutelage of Sue Motherfucking Sylvester to save the club. When Will uses one of the mattresses, that means the Glee kids have been paid for their commercial, which is a no-no for a school group. That means the club is disqualified from competition. Pre-pregnancy Quinn was fighting to get these merry melody makers sidelined, but now that they've accepted her, she uses her scheming to get them reinstated, and with a full page in the yearbook to boot. The only gesture that Sue MF Sylvester can even feel anymore is a stab in the back, so Quinn tells her if Glee isn't resuscitated that she will rat out all the free shit the Cheerios have been swimming in for years. What did Sue write in her journal of doom about this move? She was probably proud and impressed.

And even better than besting Sue was when Quinn decided she didn't want to be a Cheerio anymore after all. She'd rather face the ignominy of being in Glee with people who care about her than the popularity of being the icy princess at the top of the Cheerios pyramid. Now she's using her scheming powers for good, not evil.

"Smile": The convention for ending each episode quickly became leaving the audience with a roaring and inspiring "11 o'clock number" (9:58pm in this instance) that will have us welling up, clutching our hearts, and loving this god-send of a show. Not this week. This song—another one about smiling through the pain—was not only bluer than normal, but also served as the background music for the Glee club's inevitable humiliation at the hands of a thousand malicious markers.

The real pain came when Will had to step down as head of the Glee Club in light of Mattressgate and left the kids on their own to lead the group. Wait, wouldn't control then go to Sue Motherfucking Sylvester, who is still unofficially the co-chair of Glee? Rather than getting them disqualified, Will would rather step down, which isn't as hard a decision to make after he saw them all come together for the commercial. Most of that responsibility rests on Rachael's shoulders, and it's inspiring to see her becoming a leader, which is as unselfish a position as she could take.

The kids even got excited about their full page in the photo book, brought to them by the letter Q and the noun "gumption." They were so jacked that Puck even worked up his delicious man guns just for the shoot (and boy, he shot us right through the heart with those guns). As Will watches on, smiling at the happiness that he's brought his group, they're all laughing, but everyone's a little sad. But wasn't Will's goal to give the kids the wonderful experience he had in high school? Looks like mission accomplished Mr. Schue. Put on your jump suit and get to an aircraft carrier.

With a stop by Sue's Corner (about how the day after Christmas all ugly people should stay inside so that her retinas could rest from seeing them) we see what is making her so angry she vowed to "innocently murder" Will: she's still smarting about losing her man to bitch-faced Andrea the anchor. All SMFS wants is to be loved. And if she can't be, then everyone else will suffer!

But it doesn't look like the Glee club is suffering at all. As sad as the final scene was—when we're left only with images of them drawn all over and defaced—it was also a bit inspiring. Sure, they might still be under the mistaken impression that no one will mock their picture now that they're "television stars," but it seems like they've stopped caring completely how everyone else feels about the club. They're having a great time, doing something they love, and have finally found social acceptance—and if that isn't enough to make you smile, than nothing is.

Jennifer, who speaks only in lipograms—D, the banish't ledder—is the first lamb to arrive at the little train station, innocuous in its pacific rusticity and gabling, emerging like a Böcklin isle from the Napa Valley fog. Her hair is large, a cloud of Philadelphia; her mien, defiant; her face, flushed, rubicund. The Rubicon in front and Germantown behind her. Here comes Michael Voltaggio, imperious, Roman nosed villain. Ave Michael, morituri te salutant! Friar Kevin, a frieze of humility, a walking parable, balding, the only thing missing a cassock, arrives and then the better brother, Bryan, with a suitcase in his hand. It's hard to tell. It's hard to tell but all our love's in vain.

When the train come in the station, they looked Padma in the baby bump (x2) Well she looked so pregs and bangy, that they could not help but comment. "She had a little baby bump," says Kevin, correctly. She had some serious bangs and looked like Hiawatha or Pocahantas. Wrong Indian, Stein. Beside Padma was her paleface brother, the cosmic cloaca but nevertheless talented chef Chief Michael Chiarello, best remembered for being a dick. His eyes, malignant hematite, stared out from his face, a pale anagram for power. "Make me a grape," he murmurs. "Obey me," he means. The hegemony, latent in the resonance of his voice, is the architecture of an assfuck. Kevin worries about motion sickness. They are meant to cook on the train. They all obey. They board a train, plunging into the fog like a needle into flesh to course the cenotes of the human soul, the tidal pools of bitter black phlegm that remain when the quicksilver tide of kindness, that thin skein that separate man from beast (and not in the way you think), ebbs.

A commercial break: Erica, the grand pooba of pasta (Handy!), chancellor of cheese (Fresh!), connoisseur of cold (Chilly!) stuck in eternal repetition of infernal domesticity, the unwanted and illegitimate daughter of Julia Child and Sisyphus since September 2007. The choreography of her misery augmented by the words and sounds that float and freeze across her sound and vision. One voice, a man's; the chorus belonging to women who one imagines wear black velvet dresses; the guitar a twobit Shaft riff from a complacent studio musician named Walter. "Am I insane?" she thinks, panicked behind a Westport smile. "No," she relaxes. "For at least the words the women are saying are the same words that appear on the screen. At least I can hold on to that." Her capillaries relax. But as she holds up her hot dog made from the undifferentiated corpses of a small shtetl of holsteins, (Viceroy of Value!), she sees the word "Tasty" next to her Piggly Wiggly face but hears the word "Yummy!"

The eggshell cracks but perhaps it was just a momentary blip in the world largely seemlessl. She seals her weiner in a Glad bag, still clinging like a rat to rubbish to her happiness. "Thrifty!" the steel gray of the word threatens to bang into her temple. "Alright," she says, "if I hear Wilson Phillips say 'Thrifty' I'm sane and it's all okay. I'm not a sad clown. I'm a woman, a mother. My husband isn't cheating on me. He'll find a job soon." But then the voices come. "Economical!" it says with malign glee. Erica, the grand pooba of pasta, chancellor of cheese, connoisseur of cold, collapses like a soufflé onto her linoleum floor. Her apron bunches, her legs splayed. She's crying and her tears pool on the clear plastic coffins of food unwanted. Happily, her hot dog stays dry. A moment's reprieve is all Erica's misery earns her and then the music starts again. She rises up, compelled by a tourbillon of the wretched, and reties her apron. "Erica!" the voices say and Glad is misery.

Mike Voltaggio wins the Quickfire challenge and thus a Prius, proving also dickheads drive Priuses. Jennifer gets shaft't out of a win, a car, and, as Chiarello says he'll steal her dish, a dish. A crow flies the wrong way against the grey sky, Tiresias weeps and one worries Jennifer is unwittingly on her deathbed. Happily the elimination challenge is completely free of gimmickry: the four chefs are meant to cater a party of 150 using ingredients found only in the Napa Valley. They must make two dishes, one vegetarian and one from a locally available protein. Good for Kevin, bad for Michael, neutral for Bryan and Jennifer. Best of all, good to watch. All the preprocessed product placed gimmicks of earlier episodes—make a dish that embodies the spirit of Kindle DX using only Pantene Pro-V, Vanguard and the John D. and Catherine T. MacCarthur Foundation—seems sluffed off in these final rounds, leaving pure culinary talent as the fault line.

The four swooped onto the fields and glades of the valley, plucking from their bucolic idyll beasts. Kevin stalks a herd of brisket, felling a blubbering brisket calf. Bryan spies a ganglia of short ribs, oozing across the lee. Michael Voltaggio catches a parliament of foie gras, sunning on a rock looking like sponges. Jennifer corners a duck between a barn door and Mike's Prius and uses a bottle of booze to do it in. The brothers Voltaggio maintain a deadly focus. Friar Kevin amiably chats. Jennifer, red and redder, scurries as if a taffeta cloud in the Santa Ana winds. After not grilling her duck on dying embers, though trying valiantly to do so, Carroll confits it. She'll miss the smokiness. Dammit, Jennifer, you are an incomplete coloring book, so much talent in lines predrawn. Color them in, apply yourself, focus.

Hello Tom. Hello Michael. Hello Gail. Hello Princess Mononoke. Wait, holy sounding! Is that you Padma, wearing the castoffs of some unmade Tom Tywker sci-fi flick or is that maternity wear from Total Recall 2: Three Tits and A Little Baby? You look giggling funny, awkward weird, wondrous strange. Mike Voltaggio serves you an egg too runny, bad for the baby, rage flares your nostrils, unhappy Padma, rearing like a Mama Moose to protect her own. Too much soup for Gail in his foie gras. Cocky motherfucker. Next up: Bryan Voltaggio, a Stoic, heroic serving short ribs in the sunset, sun-bathed and lithe like a Nazi propaganda poster. "Could use some salt," says Chiarello. "Could use some pepper," says Padma. Father Kevin, he of brisket, cooked it ropey, may have risked it. Too tinny for Tom, too tough for Gail, is Kevin headed to an epic fail? Finally, Jennifer, the Elizabeth Barrett Browning of the quartet, the George Harrison, the Mickey Dolenz. She pairs radishes and cheese and basil and mushrooms. Too salty, scowls Gail. Marvelous sighs Chiarello. Mindblowing dribbles Tom. Her duck too is duck incarnate, the essence of duck, she's unlocked the duck from the duck like Michelangelo freed David from a block of marble. It's ducky and Tom likes ducky. But love's a bitch, Duck, love's a bitch.

Judge's Table. The opinion at the Stein-Heeren residence is that Michael Voltaggio is a cocky motherfucker and should go home. Feelings are ardently pro-Kevin. One of us feels protective of Jennifer and one of us (the same one) wishes only the best for Bryan, one of the last good men standing. The Death Panel increase their magnification, the contestants sizzle under the inspection like ants caught under the magnifying glass of a masochistic recessed third grader. Mike gets it for his sloppy egg giving, Bryan gets it for his lack of seasoning and his fig-baiting. "It was a figment of your imagination," Toby Young would have said if he wasn't too busy scouring Bartlett's Quotations for his next bon mot. Kevin gets smacked around for his tough brisket. "It's toothsome," he retorts, grossly misusing the word. Happily, no one else knows that though toothsome sounds like it has to do with teeth and thus toughness it doesn't. Jennifer, who has thus far earned accolades for the taste of her duck, fucks it all up. "I wanted to grill the duck to get the smokiness but I didn't pay enough attention to the coals and they went out," she says, unwittingly grasping from the gravedigger a shovel and digging deep into the fertile soil a grave of her exact proportion.

The verdict is read in Padma's overly emotive drawl, a slow motion execution marinated in false empathy. Nothing is worse than this. Jennifer, truly a wonderful person if the producers are to be believed, has done herself in, not with the quality of her cooking but by the intemperance of her disclosure. Though Bryan triumphs, his brother, the villain lives. When Jennifer, wounded but proud and not mortally, pushes those glass doors leading to obscurity, the show has lost a good woman for a bad man. She was truly the grand pooba of pasta (Handy!), the chancellor of cheese (Fresh!), the connoisseur of cold (Chilly!) and she will be missed in the sausage-fest finale. Yet, who can await next week? Two of the three contestants aren't assholes, 66% of them are good people. The odds are a mensch shall be victorious.
So thrift, thrift, Collichio! The funeral baked meats might coldly furnish forth the marriage tables yet.

Toda to Yoni Lotan and Mick Jagger for this video.

And there were still so many questions to answer: Will Brody and Jayde stay together? Is Heidi pregnant with Spencer's devil spawn? Will Kristin get together with Justin Bobby? Does Audrina actually have something to do? What ever happened to drunk Holly? Did Stacie the Bartender drink her under the table permanently? Stop wondering, you silly goose, and get your answers in bite-sized illustrated form!

She's Not the Bad Guy: Erin Kaplan Clears Her Name
by Betsey Morgenstern
PRWeek.com

Have you heard of Elle magazine? Well, of course you have since it's been a knockout on the newstands for years as well as the main prize for winners of America's Next Top Model and Project Runway (before the magazine was kicked to the curb for Seventeen and Marie Claire). Still, the reason it was there in the first place is due to Erin Kaplan, the young PR maven who has taken the magazine world by storm by turning the magazine brand into something that even Anna Wintour must respect.

But with the increased publicity for the publication comes an increased profile for Kaplan, who some think is only a tan and a set of SUV keys away from being the next Lizzie Grubman.

"Really, I'm not that bad," Erin told me during a recent interview outside of Magnolia bakery, where we indulged in sweet treats and threw pebbles at tourists. "It's just that everyone who I work with really sucks. Especially Olivia Palermo. Make sure you get that right, it's P-A-L-E-R-M-O. And yes, I said she sucks. I hate her. I almost quit my job because of her."

The feud between the socialite and the PR star become noticeably public when they were heard bitching at each other in the background of a recent Today show segment.

"I knew something was amiss when I got all the looks together to go to the studio and there was nothing that Olivia and I had pulled the week before," said an Elle magazine intern named Bryn who asked her last name not be used because she does not talk to fake reporters. "Erin told me that she went and redid all the looks. She really has it out for Olivia. I just don't want to get fired. But, yeah, I'm totally scared of Erin."

And that is with good reason. Not only is she in charge of getting the magazine's name out there, but also, apparently, in overseeing the duties of junior editors, a very different responsibility for someone who specializes in communications.

"Look, I'm not a fashion editor and I never claim to be," Kaplan said after her third vanilla cake with chocolate frosting. "But Olivia Palermo is so bad at her job that I had to step in and do something or else my segment would be ruined and Elle would look stupid. I can not have that happening. I have no social life, my last boyfriend dumped me for another guy, and no one wants to talk to me at parties. Without this job, I have absolutely nothing. When Olivia put that in jeopardy, I had to fight back."

She explains that at the Today show, Elle creative director Joe Zee asked Palermo about the prices and designers of the dresses he was about to talk about on air. Since Kaplan vetoed Palermo's looks and inserted her own, Palermo had no clue what was going out, and out of spite, wouldn't brief Joe. He had a short flub on the air with Hoda Kotb, but was able to recover. Good thing Mr. Zee was on his A game.

After they show, Kaplan and Zee tried to confront Palermo about what happened. "I'm sorry, but I did a whole afternoon of hard work before going home to do bong hits and then attend a Twilight screening," Palermo says. "Erin never thinks I do anything right. She has horrible style, can't dress, is poor, and doesn't respect me. She makes it impossible for me to do my job. And have you seen what she wears? She shouldn't be picking out clothes at all. But she is impossible. Until she shows me some respect, we can't work together."

Kaplan was more than happy to respond to her comments. "Of course I don't respect her, she doesn't know what the fuck she's doing!" Kaplan screamed while brushing her hair out of her face and scowling—a look that should be familiar to anyone who knows her. "And the worst part is, you can't talk to her. Whenever I confront her about something, she is either too stupid or too stoned to care and just doesn't get the message. Unless it's news about a sample sale or the opening of a new bottle service club, she just can't retain any information. She is completely useless. I told Joe Zee that it was either her or me."

And what did Joe Zee say? "Erin is a consummate professional," Zee says from his Midtown office. "She is great at her job and I trust her implicitly. I like Olivia a lot—mostly because she's pretty. But I am not a guidance counselor, I don't want to be deciding who wins in a fight between Erin and Olivia."

Now that the ultimatum has been placed—Kaplan says that she even awkwardly stormed out of Zee's office!—who is going to hit the road and who is going to stay? "Well, let's just say that the magazine needs PR more than it does socialites, but sometimes socialites are what brings the PR," Kaplin says cryptically giving her signature sly smile.

No matter what, we have a feeling that Kaplan will end up on top.

You Say You Want a Revolution: Kelly Cutrone Talks about the Help
by Betsey Morgenstern
PRWeek.com

One of the biggest challenges for any PR agency is keeping the stable of young communications majors in check. Between all the swag, the nights out in New York, and the boy drama, it can be more difficult that pleasing clients and getting them good media placement. To find out how to do it the right way, we talked to Kelly Cutrone, the saucy boss at People's Revolution PR and the star of the new reality show Kell on Earth, which starts in February on Bravo.

"I can't stand these fucking girls," Cutrone screams in her office, pushing her hair back and bugging her eyes out that signals she is about to go off on one of her famous, expletive-laden tirades. "They come in here and they think that they know everything and they can do whatever the fuck they want. I've been doing this for decades. I started this whole company on my own. They better learn some fucking respect and learn it quick."

Most recently she has had completely opposite experiences with Whitney Port, an aspiring designer, and Roxy Carmichael Olin, a girl who seems to have no skills, no drive, and doesn't do much of anything. Still, Kelly sees something of herself in Olin.

"That is what really pisses me the fuck off," she says. "She's just like me. She's brash, an outsider, likes to wear black, isn't afraid of what people think. But then she just fucking sits there. And when she's not sitting there, she's making things difficult for everyone and pretending like she knows more than she does. Yes, she may be like me, but I know when the dresses should be ordered. I know how to set up a photo shoot. I know what a look book is. She just knows how to get drunk and dance on banquettes."

Asked to defend herself Olin says that she doesn't really need Cutrone. "You know, my parents are rich, so I only do this for fun and so I can hang out with my friend Whitney," she says in her voice that is a strange mix of a drawl and a rasp. "Maybe that's why I don't give a fuck what Kelly thinks. But yes, she can yell, and that keeps people in check."

Olin tells a story where she recently went into Cutrone's office to ask why she was being left out of a meeting between Port and the buyers of Bergdorf Goodman. Olin has nothing to do with the line whatsoever and knows nothing about retail, marketing, fashion, or merchandising, but for some reason thought it was a good idea to stand by Whitney at her meeting. "Kelly totally snapped on me," Olin cackles. "She was going on and on, spouting all this jargon, and all I could do was get up and leave."

Cutrone is still worked up about the meeting. "I got Whitney, who I love and adore, a meeting with the big shots at Bergdorf Fucking Goodman, the most important department store in the world," she rants. "We're talking Linda Fargo, Ginny Hersey-Lambert, Sunni Spencer. These are people that will make or break her career. And she wants to take her little sour-faced drinking buddy? Get real! I was so pissed I didn't even go to the meeting. Let those bimbos fend for themselves."

For what it's worth, Port seemed to think the meeting went well. "They said some nice things, and they looked at my clothes. I don't really know what I'm doing," she purred while twirling her hair on her finger.

Cutrone disagrees. "Went well? It was a fucking disaster," she screams. "We're talking Marc Jacobs 1993 grunge line for Perry Ellis disaster. They hated it. She wasn't ready at all. Some of her dresses had crap all over them. And then she had that chucklehead Roxy there undermining her. She only has one shot left and that's a fashion show I'm putting together for her."

That's right. Cutrone may be a fierce disciplinarian and makes her stances known, but she has "the old ball and chain" with her employees, as she calls it. If they go down, she goes down with them. She also helps to raise them up by giving them as many opportunities as they can in the industry. She is including Port in a group show she is organizing for fashion week in the spring.

"She said something about it being not a baby step of faith but a leap of faith and if I don't do it, she'll slit my throat and fire Roxy," Port cooed. "I'm not quite sure what is going on, but she says it's a big deal so she must be right."

While Kelly certainly has this whole thing under wraps, the biggest lesson she has to teach is never hire anyone as smart as the boss.

There were all sorts of crazy shifts in the power dynamic at last night's day-late and dollar-short Thanksgiving episode where original mean girl Lily hosted the strangest conglomeration of Gossip Girl characters seen outside of Blakey Lively's birthday party at Marquee. We got secrets galore, boozy grandma Cece, bad pilgrim jokes, and pregnant Dorota. Now if we only had some stuffing for Serena's mouth, we'd be all set.

Dorota:
Fashion Points: Fancy holiday maid outfit: +2
Money: Gets time and a half from Lily: +1
Personality Flaw: The only baby we ever want to see on this show is hers: +3
Power Play: Is close personal friends with Tom Colicchio: +2, A war between Russian and Poland will erupt over her baby: +5
Sexual Intrigue: Fighting with Vanya: -1, Gets back with Vanya: +2
Total: 14
Season to Date: 58
Power Position: Up

Blair:
Family Secrets: Her mother is keeping a secret from her: -1
Fashion Points: Borrowed Serena's lacey leggings. Never borrow anything from Serena, unless you work on 10th Ave: -2
Power Play: Storms out of dinner: +1, She is totally lying about wanting pie: -1, Caught binging in the lobby: -3,
Social Schemes: Would rat out Dorota to the INS to get her mother's secret: -2, Tells Jenny that Eric set her up at Cotillion: +2, Loses her mommy: -1, But mommy gives her Manhattan: +1, And Dorota and the apartment all to herself: +3, Forgives Serena: -1, Tells Serena to go with Trip: -1
Total: -5
Season to Date: 22
Power Position: Down

Chuck:
Fashion Points: Stripes on his collar: +1, Yellow suspenders he stole from Larry King: -1
Power Play: Is now spying on people for a living, which we find strangely erotic: +1, Knows Serena is a skank: +1, Only buys the good wine that Eleanor Waldorf likes: +1
Social Schemes: Threatens to banish Serena to work in the lobby of an airport Marriott where she belongs: +3, Pissed at Nate for stealing footage from his hotel: +1, His revenge is encouraging Nate to go after Serena and get genital warts: +3
WTF: Has been nothing more than a functionary for the past three episodes: -10
Total: 0
Season to Date: 22
Power Position: Down

Nate:
Fashion Points: Manbangs!: +2
Power Play: Thinks Serena is a skank: +1, Doesn't have plans for Thanksgiving: -1
Sexual Intrigue: Knows threesomes are bad from the time he and Chuck crossed swords while sharing a hooker: +3, Trip blames him for his marriage breaking up: -1, Is stuck with Maureen, who is the real power player in the relationship: +2, Knows Serena is a skank and still loves her: -1, She chooses Trip over him: +2 (because now he won't get warts)
Social Schemes: Gives Maureen Serena's elevator romp tape: +3
Total: 10
Season to Date: 6
Power Position: Up

Serena:
Family Secrets: Knows Lily's secrets: +3
Fashion Points: Her dowdy blouse with the bow screams "I'm trying to not dress like a slut today": -2, Serving up a side of boobs at Thanksgiving dinner: -1, Seriously, it's a lace-front, skin-tight jumpsuit. How is that in any way appropriate for a family dinner outside of New Jersey: -2
Personality Flaw: Everyone thinks she's a skank: -1, Can't even go one whole elevator ride next to a man without trying to fuck him: -2, For as nasty as she is, she should know that elevators have cameras: -1
Power Play: Dissing family Thanksgiving for a lay from Trip: -1, Gets kicked out by Lily: -2, Storms out of dinner: +1, Is friends with Blair again: +1
Sexual Intrigue: Gets a politician to dump his wife for her: +2, Wises up about Trip: +3, Then decides that the call of her loins must be answered: -2
Social Schemes: Invites Nate to Thanksgiving to keep things interesting: +1
WTF: She would be a horrible first lady: -2
Total: -4
Season to Date: -6
Power Position: Down

Dan:
Fashion Points: Everyone is talking about his face: +1, But it's in a bad way: -2
Quip: "Cece's heart runs on secrets and gin": +1
Sexual Intrigue: We think he's learned his lesson about threeways: +1, Everyone knows he's in love with Vanessa: -2, And for some reason, they don't hate him for it: +1, No one should have to talk you out of dating Vanessa, you should just know that's a bad idea: -3
Social Schemes: Calls Vanessa's mom so that he can get Vanessa out of his Brooklyn Pussy Den: +1, Get's Vanessa and her mom to make up and move out of his BPD: +2, Doesn't use the BPD for pussy because he's too busy pining over Vanessa's lady dreads: -3
Total: -4
Season to Date: -13
Power Position: Up

Rufus:
Family Secrets: His baby's got a secret, ooh ooh: -1
Personality Flaw: Stop trying to feed everyone!: -2, Thinks old people know how to video chat: -2, That "Plymouth Rock" joke: -1
Power Play: Is actually friends with Vanessa's annoying mom: -1, Still name dropping members of Sonic Youth: -1, OK, jamming with Kim and Thurston is pretty rad: +3
Social Schemes: Invites CeCe to dinner, even though she is clearly not invited by Lily: -2, But when she shows up, she totally rules: +4
Total: -3
Season to Date: -14
Power Position: Even

Jenny:
Personality Flaw: Is shocked her Mute Gay Shadow was mean to her. Really, Jenny? You were behaving like an ass: -2
Power Play: Sets the table when Dorota is standing right there: -1, Storms out of dinner: +1, Actually upset that Eric is mad at her, which is kinda cute: +1
Social Schemes: Tries to get Jonathan back for Eric: +1, Fails: -2, Eric is coming for her: -1
Total: -3
Season to Date: -23
Power Position: Down

Lily:
Bonus: Still the ultimate mean girl: +1
Family Secrets: Did she do it with Serena's father again?: +2, Right now, we don't know her secret: +3, But Serena and Maureen found out, so it's only a matter of time: -2
Fashion Points: Doesn't know the difference between her designer coat and Maureen's H&M knockoff and puts her "secret letter" in the wrong pocket and the wrong hands: -3
Money: Paying Dorota extra, because she knows she's the best: +3
Power Play: Invites Maureen to Thanksgiving and totally ruins Serena's groove: +1, Storms out of dinner: +1, Has boozy CeCe as an ally: +1
Sexual Intrigue: Actually stops Rufus from cooking!: +3, She is lying like a fiend to Rufus: +1
Social Schemes: Lies about her mother being sick: +1 (mean, but awesome), Actually has some sound parenting advice for Serena: +1, Years of bad parenting means Serena won't listen: -2
Total: 11
Season to Date: -24
Power Position: Up

Vanessa:
Fashion Points: Why was she wearing Sheila E's old coat?: -1
Personality Flaw: Her mother is even more annoying than she is: +2 (for looking cool in comparison)
Power Play: Is the last one to storm out of dinner. Four other people just did it. The dramatic impact is gone: -1, Let's her mom waste $200 tickets to Hair: -1, Bonus for missing the dreamy Gavin Creel in Hair: -1 Hates her mom, loves her mom, hates her mom, loves her mom. Make it stop!: -1
Sexual Intrigue: Everyone knows Dan's in love with her except her: -1, No one tells her that Dan is in love with her: -1, Likes Dan's face: -2, But that face is attached to those massive guns: +3
Social Schemes: Crashes Dan's Brooklyn Pussy Den: +2
WTF: She is obviously more of a Rock of Ages girl than a Hair hippie: -1
Total: -3
Season to Date: -28
Power Position: Down

Eric:
Family Secrets: He's the only one that doesn't know that Lily is fucking his dad again: -1
Fashion Points: We are fans of the plaid blazer: +1
Power Play: Sets the table when Dorota is right there: -1
Quip: "Our Thanksgivings usually end with french fries in a diner and someone having been in a mental institution": +1, Bonus for actually happening: +1
Sexual Intrigue: His boyfriend doesn't want him back: -2
Social Schemes: Blair rats him out to Jenny: -1, The best comeback he can come up with against Jenny is "Your sweet potatoes are bland": -1, It's simplicity is kind of amazing: +3, Still wants to be friends with Jenny: -1, Oh, he's only pretending so he can take her down: +3, Sets his ultimate Jenny revenge in motion: +2
Total: 4
Season to Date: -29
Power Position: Up

It was worth waiting until after dinner on Thursday to check in with the marauding misfits of McKinley High as they got some serious competition from the other rag-tag teams they'll be competing against at sectionals. There was also lots of competition from within as our Babygay Kurt got devious on Rachel and Sue Motherfucking Sylvester (we missed you so!) came back with a new track suit and a sinister plot. All will be revealed in the songs, why don't you sing along?

"Bootylicous": This Destiny Child instaclassic is about an overabundance of self esteem. When it comes to New Directions, they were certainly not ready for the jelly that the Jane Addams girls (lead by Eve, the first lady of rap) brought to their stage. When they sang "I don't think you can handle this," they were more than right. The Glee kids were rocked.

And with that rocking came shaken confidence all around. Will was unsure of his clan's chances at the big sing-off for the first time. He didn't even imagine that these ruffian girls could pose much of a threat, and now that he's seen their moves (when they did the handstand booty bumps, just about everyone lost their minds with reverent jealousy) he feels like he needs some similar theatrics to take the prize.

Not only is Will having trouble at work, but he has a whole heap of padded-belly trouble lying in his own bed. Terri also helped to realign his priorities when she bought him a dummy version of his old Camaro (well, I don't know, it could be a Pinto or something—this isn't Jalopnik) he wanted to get back in touch with the young high school Will all over again. His need to relive past glories can be the best thing about Will—like when he wants to make Glee into something great and give the kids the wonderful experience that he had—but when the past distracts him from the future, it's a little bit sad and dangerous.

Rachael is usually not at a loss for some bravado, but thanks to a fiendish plot by Quinn and BG Kurt, they had her thinking twice about her style that budding designer to the stars Kurt accurately described as looking like a grandma and a toddler at the same time. Damn, he just stole the best-line-of-the-night duty from Sue Motherfucking Sylvester! Anyway, Kurt tells Rachael that her look needs an update and maybe she needs to get a little skanky in order to land her man. He says he's doing it to make her look better so the whole club looks better, but we all know that he has something else in mind.

"Papa Don't Preach": Good old Madge would be so pleased with this acoustic version of her hit (what I wouldn't give to see Quinn in the short, platinum Marilyn bob and tight black capris and bustier that Madonna wore in the original video!) and it was just enough to blow my gay mind. Quinn's solo numbers—this, "Say a Little Prayer," and "You Keep Me Hangin' On"—have been some of my favorites of the series so far. Team Quinn!

Along with this song, the other thing Quinn shares with Madonna are some serious daddy issues. Now that she's kicked out of the house, she's on the look out for a good father for her baby. When Puck steals a parenting book for her about how to raise a baby on $5 a day (and such a book is just begging to be stolen) she starts to think that he may be just the man to help her raise the little tyke, especially since he's the kid's bio-dad. When she tests him with a babysitting date, he passes with flying colors and she decides that if she and her mohawked hottie can keep these devil spawn at bay for an evening, they can handle 18 years of rearing the fetus that is growing her belly.

Terri has nothing growing in her belly and we're all sick of this subplot. At least the show bothered to show us a little bit about the machinations she's employing to keep Will away from her pillow baby bump, but this whole story line is a hard pill to swallow. We were grateful to have Terri's even crazier sister Kendra back, with her wacky plots and cutting punchlines, but really this whole thing needs to be put to rest. Even her little pillow barrier in bed and biting Will's head off when he tried to get "intimate" weren't worth it.

Speaking of preaching, the only one with a killer sermon was Sue Motherfucking Sylvester. She is definitely a dragon, but every so often she does something that reminds us she is a human being and that she does have some good ideas cooking up in that head of hers. We hope she shared some in her Splits magazine interview with all-star reporter Betsey Morgenstern. When she sees that Will is reverting to crazy tricks to win the competition, she tells Will that if he can't believe in his team's talent and get them to a place where they have earned their victory, then they don't deserve to win. It was actually a bit inspiring, until we realized that Sue MF Sylvester isn't above cheating to win, but at least she can get Mr. Schue to do the right thing.

"Crazy in Love"/"Hair": Sorry, Glee, you have used this mash-up trick too many times, and last week's "Don't Stand So Close to Me"/"Young Girl" was stretching it, but those songs fit together so nicely, we forgave you. This one is just a total mess. The songs have nothing to do with each other and their melodies fit together sloppily. Even worse, (to paraphrase Divine) you are convicted of ruining a Beyoncé song, and the sentence is death. OK, not death, but you are on mash-up probation.

Still, Will was definitely going crazy with this "hairography" stunt. Even the deaf choir from the Haverbrook School for the Deaf knew this number sucked. Will was so crazy trying to get his group to win that he had to resort to letting them whip their hair about like they were being tasered instead of just singing a song. At least his intentions were good.

Rachael was also crazy with her love for Finn and listened to all of Babygay Kurt's advice about how to look hotter and sluttier. We're sad that BG Kurt fell into the "gays can give a make over" cliche, but he wasn't really doing it to fix Rachel's eyebrows (and we love that he made them intentionally asymmetrical) but trying to eliminate her in the running for Finn's heart. To his credit, Rachel looks really hot in the little black dress she wore to school to tempt the quarterback. In fact, it was a little reminiscent of Madonna's "Papa Don't Preach" ensemble. But when she put on the wig and tight leather pants from Sandy's final scene in Grease...well, let's just say she's no Olivia Newton-John (but that doesn't mean you shouldn't put her in a headband for a "Let's Get Physical" routine—hint, hint).

When Finn tells her that he likes her the way she is, she is humiliated. The sad thing is, he not only makes her feel like a jerk, but he reinforces that she's the one he really wants. Way to set her free, Finn. Now she's just going to sit in her bedroom that looks like Holly Hobby's lesbian love den pining away for him instead of moving on and finding someone who isn't so stupid blindly in love with a girl who continues to betray him Finn.

Kurt's betrayal was espeically evil though, because he not only played on Rachel's insecurities about her looks, but also her social standing within the group. He told her how everyone really feels about her, and pretended like he was trying to help her and be her friend, but he was really just trying to find a way to get closer to seeing Finn in a jock strap. Later, in the hallway, when the pair realize that neither of them are going to get their man, the looks on their faces were just devastating. Poor Babygay Kurt, we've all been in love with a straight boy and your inevitable dose of heartbreak is right around the corner and it is going to sting. It would be nice if this incident could bring Rachel and BGK closer together, which was suggested their little wave of acknowledgment when they see Finn and Quinn were making out in public like band geeks in every high school in America tend to do.

"Imagine": The singing a song and doing the sign language trick is as old as show choir itself and just about as cheesey. I was a bit disappointed that we pulled out this tired old gem, but when Mercedes and crew got up and joined them, it did bring a little tear for a second. And Mercedes and Artie continue to impress me with their abilities. They rocked it during their parts of this number. Along with Tina getting all Cyndi Lauper in the final number, it was quite a night for the supporting players, at least vocally.

Will saw the potential in their performance and decided that having his Rapunzel's let down their hair wasn't the right answer to win sectionals, but that they were good enough singers to carry the trophy home. That's good because the kids—or at least Rachael—got wise to what he was trying to do. They knew the number sucked, and it's great that Will decided to go another direction, because we would hate to see their confidence in his abilities shaken.

"True Colors": Just like in the '80s, it was Cyndi Lauper versus Madonna, and we loved both of the songs about equally. This tune is a gay classic as well, since it's about someone loving you even for your faults, but on Glee, sometimes the true colors aren't that bright and wonderful.

That is certainly the case with our favorite Sue Motherfucking Sylvester, who betrayed her previous sound advice and leaked Will's set list to his competitors so that they could defeat him. We know that Mr. Scarlet Fever is going to fall for her plot, but we hope that the first lady of Jane Addams doesn't take the bait. We'll have to see what her true colors are in the future weeks.

Also a true blue jerk is Puck. Quinn discovers that the whole time they were babysitting he was "sexting" (is there a worse word in the English language?) with slutty Santana. He tells Quinn that he wants to raise his baby, but he's not going to be faithful if she isn't going to put out. And even then, he's not going to "stop being him." That made us sad for Quinn, but it also made us love Puck a little bit more. There is nothing like a hot guy who will treat you like shit to get you horny.

How Quinn really feels seems to be a little ambivalent at the moment. It was sweet that she got back together with Finn and really seems to love his support after her little dalliance with asshole Puck. That said, she had to go behind his back flirting with another man to get there. When Finn confesses that he was with Rachel the other night and admits his attraction, Quinn doesn't say a word, letting her man think that she has been unfalteringly faithful the whole time. This isn't the way to keep your man happy, Quinny.

Will's true colors are much better than Terri's. Thanks to Puck's betrayal, Quinn is ready to give her the baby again, and she isn't going to share the secret of her fake pregnancy with her husband. He, on the other hand, has given up his Blue Bomber and bought the ugliest minivan from the cheapest used car lot in all of Ohio. He's ready to give up his past glory for his future family with Terri. If only he knew the kind of woman he has hitched his station wagon to.

And as for Glee, we saw its true colors as an excellent show. This was really an ideal episode where the over arching plot of the vocal competition was highlighted with the personal drama of the club's singers. We got some great lines from SMFS, a great guest star, a whole ton of jokes, and acoustic Madonna. That's even better than my aunt's cranberry stuffing!

Follow the action from last night's episode in nine easy steps (if you have a hard time reading the panels, click on the "Full Size" link underneath to see a larger version). This week, Stacie the bartender and Kristin travel to Vegas, Justin Bobby gets a booty call, and Spencer is the one who gets fucked when Heidi tries to get pregnant.

Intern Intensity
by Betsey Morgenstern
ED2010.com Reporter

Internships can be your foot in the door to a career in the ever expanding empire of print publications, but they can also be hard, crazy, and full of drama. Just ask Bryn Leavemeoutofthis and Susie Stockingstuffer, who are currently interning at Elle magazine and People's Revolution PR, respectively. I talked to the two of them about their work, their coworkers, and what they hope to get out of this experience.

Hey Bryn, tell us about your job at Elle?
I'm the accessories intern, so I help on all the shoots for the bags, shoes, bangles, and things like that. I also go to all the stores and pick up the things that the editors pulled for the big photo shoots and then I have to keep track of everything and where it goes and make sure it doesn't get damaged and then take it all back. Sometimes I have to make coffee, but I never have to get lunch because no one at Elle eats!

Who is your supervisor?
Officially I report to PR chief Erin Kaplan, even though she's not an editor, but I let everyone order me around.

Tell us about a recent assignment you had?
Just last week, I had to accompany accessories editor Olivia Palermo when she went to this super hot boutique in SoHo that you've probably never heard of. It's called Mango, and it's just the awesomest store ever. Well, we had to pull four looks for an upcoming Today show segment that Erin was getting together but Joe Zee [the magazine's creative director] would be giving on air. It was something about looks that a girl would like and a boy would like. I didn't understand exactly what, but Erin said, "Babysit Olivia," so I thought I just had to make sure she didn't hurt herself or do anything too stupid.

Anyway, we go to Mango and she starts taking stuff off the racks. She moves really slowly, like she is always thinking about what party she is going to go to later that night or fantasizing about her really hot boyfriend. When we have a bunch of things together, she has decided that's all we're pulling from the store. Last time I had to "babysit Olivia" she didn't pull enough clothes and Erin got all mad and yelled at us. All I want as an intern is not to get yelled at, so it was pretty bad for me. Then Erin sent me to pull a few more outfits and took all the credit and said she did it herself. That's fine with me. I said, "Thank you" and brought her coffee just the way she likes it—black with a little bit of baby's blood.

So, I told Olivia, "Maybe we should get some more stuff." And she was like, "Naw, this is good. I have to go home and listen to Tribe Called Quest and smoke a few bowls before I go to the American Association to Beat Spina Bifida benefit tonight at the Armory, so I'm gonna peace out." So I asked her, "Erin is going to be pissed." She didn't respond, she just yawned and walked out the door.

What happened? Was Erin pissed?
Later that week we had a model fitting. One of the models was this huge fat girl. She was a size 16! What does she eat for lunch? Fried lard? I had on this really cute off-one-shoulder short dress that my friend Serena van der Woodsen lent me when she was done with it. She said the skirt was too long. I almost ruined my dress because Olivia pulled a size 14 for her and we had to pull the dress over her giant fat body. It was like putting a baseball through a garden hose.

Erin showed up and said it was too tight. Olivia was like, "My eyes are really bloodshot and squinty right now, so it looks fine to me." Erin asked to see the rest of the looks and then she told her there weren't anymore because all the stores in Manhattan were having a really bad clothes shortage. I was so angry. I told Olivia we needed more options. Now I'm going to have to go back to Mango—which is my favorite store, but still—and get more outfits. Olivia and Erin start getting into this fight, and I'm just taking notes in my book trying to stay out of the whole mess.

You don't like when there's drama at work?
Not really. Mostly I just want to try on all the different belts and look at shoes and purses. I must be working in the wrong office, because they are always going at each other.

So what happened with Olivia and Erin?
They're getting into it, but Olivia wasn't getting as worked up as Erin and then she says, "Would you talk to Joe like that?" and Erin was flabbergasted, like Olivia just compared herself to a bald Asian guy. She has way too much hair to be Joe Zee! Then Erin asked me to leave the room.

What did you do?
Duh, I left the room.

Did you listen in at the door? That's what I would have done.
Yeah, I did for a second, but all I could hear was the sound of slapping and I knew that Erin finally got physical with Olivia. I was almost to the end of the hall and the door burst open and Erin came out and shouted, "Take it all back!" and then slammed the door. I was so scared I ran back to my desk.

Did Erin see you or something?
Yes and she was said, "Yoo-hoo. Bryn. Come here for a second," being all like fake sweet. I pretended not to hear her and scurried back to my desk looking at my notes like I didn't know what was going on. She followed me all the way there.

What did she say? Did she attack you?
No. I think she got all her aggression out on Olivia. She told me that she wasn't disappointed in me, because I'm always nice and helpful and I kill the babies the right way so that her coffee is always good. She said it was Olivia that didn't deserve to be there. Basically, she hopes that Olivia fucks up the Today show segment so bad that Joe Zee fires her. Then she told me to go to Mango and get more clothes, but to make it look like she was the one doing it. I said fine and left.

Did you tell her to fire Olivia and hire you instead? That's what I would have done.
No, but that's a good thought.

Will you give Erin my resume?
Sure!

Now we're going to talk to Suzie Stockingstuffer. Hi Suzie, tell us about your internship.
I've spent this whole semester at People's Revolution PR, which does fashion PR. It's located in SoHo and run by Kelly Kutrone, who is this like super famous PR lady. She even got Eliot Spitzer's hooker girlfriend into a fashion show. Can you believe that? Anyway, she doesn't call us interns, she calls us punching bags.

Is that what it feels like? Do you have bruises?
Only small ones, but that's because Roxy Carmichael Olin showed up. Now she mostly beats up on her. Kelly continues to let her work there, even though her complete hatred for Roxy is as obvious as her bad skin.

Tell us a little bit about Kelly. She sure has a way with words!
Yes, she does. I haven't been on the receiving end of one of her colorfully worded rants in a while. When you're not the one getting yelled at, she sure is a lot of fun to listen to.

Who does she usually yell at?
Lately just Roxy. We had a model casting recently for Whitney Port's look book for her clothing line and it was a disaster. Roxy got all these models and they didn't fit the look Kelly wanted and she screamed, "This is supposed to be a fairy tea part, not a goth nightmare!" She sent all the models home but three and told Roxy go to back to Model Depot and pick up some fresh ones. She was happy with the next selections.

You know, Whitney used to date my boyfriend Freddie Fackelmayer?
Oh, you're the ex he got back together with? You're much nicer than Roxy and Whitney made you out to be.

What did they say about me?
Not much really. Um...

No, seriously, tell me!
Can we get back to the interview.

Sure, but only if you tell me a mean story about Whitney.
Well, there's not that much mean to say about her other than that she's really passive aggressive. We had the shoot for her look book with this guy Patrik Andersson. He's this like super famous fashion photographer but he said he'd do the shoot for free if they would put him on television. They agreed.

We're up on this super cool rooftop set with all these fairy lights and these three pretty girl models who are in Whitney's clothes and it's all looking super great. Roxy thinks it's boring though, because they weren't being all active and snorting coke and dancing on banquettes. She wants to start a food fight. Kelly pulls her aside and says, "You stupid cunt, you're going to get food on the clothes. This is Whitney's shoot. Shut the fuck up and don't do anything. I would fire you if MTV would let me."

Roxy backs off for a while but then right when everything is about to wrap Roxy is like, "Come on, let her pop a bottle of champagne and then all the other girls will laugh like it's the funniest shit they ever saw in their lives." Whitney agrees, because she'll pretty much do anything you tell her to. They set up the shot, but the model can't figure out how to pop the champagne, so when she tries to, she just drops the bottle and it breaks and gets booze all over the dress.

Whitney is pissed, and you can tell because she scrunches her face up like a used Kleenex in a boy's dorm bathroom, and she keeps telling Roxy she's not mad. Then they get in a food fight and laugh and laugh, and I ran because the last time I got Devil's Food Cake in my hair, it took like two weeks to get out.

Was Kelly pissed at Roxy?
She's always pissed at Roxy, but she seemed more pissed than usual.

Is she going to fire her?
I think she left that decision up to Whitney for the "season finale," whatever that means.

Well, if she does, will you give her my resume?

That's right, last night during the disastrous season six finale, Lifetime announced that season seven will debut on the network the second week in January. It's a good thing too, because after this awful, rushed season, both Lifetime and Bunim/Murray, who produces the show, need to show that they can make a good season. Maybe season six was like the muslin version of a gown that a couturier makes so she can figure out what she's doing and next season will be the finished red-carpet ready product. Let's hope.

So, onto last night's finale. Irina, Althea, and Carol Hannah all showed their 13-look collections in Bryant Park during fashion week (way back in February). We actually found some things to love about it, but first:

Things We Hate:

• Crying: Everyone cried. Althea cried, Carol Hannah cried, Irina cried, Irina's parents cried, Tim Gunn cried into his handkerchief backstage that he still has three seasons left on his contract. Everyone cried except Cry-stopher, which was strange. We love drama, but all this excessive crying just makes us want to, well, weep.
• The Other Designers: We didn't even like Logan, Cry-stopher, and Gordana before they were kicked off, and we don't want to see them around again. They really had nothing to add. If the producers wanted to do something interesting, they would have brought back the first three designers kicked off. They all sucked! Imagine weeping Carol Hannah having to deal with Malvin of egg dress fame. Awesome.
• Cry-stopher's Eyebrows: While we're at it, let's talk about Cry-stopher some more, because his eyebrows were so drawn on, he looked like a third-rate drag queen doing an impersonation of Faye Dunaway as Joan Crawford, but without the camp. And why, for fuck's sake, didn't he go to the L'Oreal Paris Make Up room to have them at least draw them on symmetrically.
• Fake Introductions: We all know that the final collections were filmed back in February when the show was still embroiled in about 23 different lawsuits and they were trying to keep production details a big secret. All the press accounts of the runway show mention that the designers made no appearances at all. So, what was up with the fake introductions they each gave their collection? Did they assemble a faux audience and recreate the set and film the introductions then? Or did they do it later that day, but with a cast of extras instead of the general public and a bunch of media types? And did they think that we wouldn't notice?
• Irina Invented the Smokey Eye: It really irked us when Irina accused Althea of stealing her makeup scheme for the final show. As if she just heard what Irina wanted and copied her. Oh, because smudged makeup has never been done before ever in the history of fashion or the world. You made it up, Irina! We know you think otherwise, but you are not original. You didn't invent any of the ideas you have accused Althea of stealing. And all of fashion, like most other art, is about stealing and reappropriating anyway. And this coming from a girl who stole T-shirt designs—twice!
• Heidi's Pink Outfit: It wasn't as horrible as the pink ruffle shirt and sparkly biker shorts she wore earlier in the season, but it looks—as Ms. Kors would say—very mother of the bride. Actually we think Endora wore it to a wedding once on Bewitched.
• No Celebrities: We've said this before, but part of the move to L.A. was supposed to be about getting great celebs as guests and judges. Who do they get for the finale? Suzy Menkes! Who? Exactly. Suzy is great and all (see below), but in the past we had Parker Posey, Debra Messing, Posh Spice, people who have great style and a little bit of pizazz. Suzy has the cred and would have been a great replacement for one of the two frequent absentee judges this season, but she is no finale judge. And if you're going to have another horrible year in L.A., then we want to see some serious star wattage!
• Cohesion: Making a collection of clothes that has cohesion is kind of like creating a concept album—the only people who care about it are industry types. It's not like there are women marching around who buy entire collections or want all their clothes for a season to look like they "tell a story." When everyone is downloading singles, who cares how all the songs sound together on an album? "Cohesion" is some bullshit that the fashion industrial complex cooked up and holds designers to when no one else really cares about it. The only time it looks good is in the 20 minutes when everything walks down the runway.
• No Color: Would it have killed you guys to do something other than shades of drab? Your collections all looked about as washed out as Tim Gunn after three weeks of swine flu!
• Nothing Stands Out: After watching the finale last night, I was thinking about the ghosts of finales of seasons past. Remember Jay McCarroll's multicolored tier tatter dress, Chloe Dao's sculpted satin gem-tone sheath, Daniel V's brown dress with the little embellished flap on the boobs, Santino Rice's babydolls with the breasts flying about, Laura Bennet's glamorous bedazzling, Michael Knight's mess of an urban collection, Christian Siriano's brown and white ruffled ball, Chris March's dresses made of human hair, Jillian Lewis' knits with the poodle tail sleeves, Kenley Collin's retro gowns, and Leanne Marshall's waves? Remember those? I can recall each of those collections distinctly from memory. I couldn't even describe one thing I saw last night other than Irina's stupid hats and Carol Hannah's lilac buttplug dress. That makes me sad.

Things We Loved:

• Tim Gunn Freaking Out: Finally, all the stress of the shitty season got to Grampa Gunn and he snapped. Brilliant. More about it in the videos.
• Jaslene!: Our favorite moment of every television year is when there is complete trashy fashion reality show synergy and contestants from America's Next Top Model strut the runway on Project Runway. The only one we noticed last night was the Cha-Cha Diva herself (and one of our favorite Top Models ever) Jaslene Gonzalez. One is more than enough.
• Suzy Menkes: Now we feel a little bad for picking on Suzy Menkes, the legendary fashion journalist and International Herald Tribune fashion editor. It wasn't fair to not tell us who she is and put her in front of the camera with There's Something About Mary hair and a sparkly gold coat. Of course we were going to crack jokes. We know she is a great writer and deserves all of our respect, but had no clue what she looked like. It's not fair to put her out like that without an id. Don't do that to poor Suzy Menkes. Make her look good.
• Ari Fish's Look: Remember Ari? She was the first one kicked off this season. While Nicolas was at the runway show looking like Pudgy Kurt Cobain as always and Shirina was wearing some gypsy costume from last Halloween, Ari had totally reinvented herself. She looked like a cross between Isabella Blow and Boy George playing Leigh Bowery in Taboo. Genius!
• Nina Garcia Fashion Director of Marie Claire Magazine Hate's Irina's Collection: Did you see the stink eye that NGFDMCM gave Irina on the runway last night? When she saw that everything was black she said, "We talked about that," like she was the disappointed mother of a daughter who keeps wetting the bed. Then she told Irina that black never gets any editorial coverage. Looks like someone's spread in Marie Claire magazine will be begrudging.
• Lifetime's Commercials: Lady vitamins, pregnancy tests, fat Carrie Fisher, the horrible Georgia O'Keefe Paints Vagina Flowers Lifetime movie promos, cleaning products, tampons—this is what we had to endure being hawked during the commercial breaks, and it provided some wonderfully easy targets. Thanks Lifetime. Also, you made up for it with the trailer for The 12 Men of Christmas. Kristen Chenoweth starring in a movie about making a naked calendar with hot guys? Oh yes, my gay ass will be tuning in, without any irony and a big fat smile on my face.
• Michael Kors Says "Bravo Guys": Was it an intentional dig at Lifetime by bringing up the show's old network? We don't think so, but it was a perfect bitchy end to this horrible season.

So, in the end, as we accuately predicted Irina won for her crappy black collection with ugly hats. Rather than talk about the clothes, go watch the full collections in the videos. How quickly can we forget that this season ever happened? We hope it's sometime around Sunday afternoon, because we want to get back to loving Runway.

For the last time until 2010, let's sashay and chanter our way to the videos.

Meltdown of the Week
Context: Carol Hannah is sick and trying to finish her collection and snaps under the pressure. Thankfully Cry-stopher is there for a shoulder to cry on.
Vision: That she's not going to make it through, and that Cry-stopher and his eyebrows can help her.
Delusion: Of course she'll make it. She's a can-do kid. This was the one moment of real emotion we felt all season. She may not be the greatest designer, but this is a highlight of her young life, and to have it ruined by circumstances beyond her control really sucks. We're glad she made it work.
What Would Nina Say: "Get it togther!"
Dramometer: 10

Under the Gunn
Context: All the girls are late getting their models ready and Grampa Gunn freaks out. He does it in the same way that our high school Latin teacher, Sister Nicotena of the Holy Smoke, used to, where she barely raises her voice, but manages to shame everyone into submission and make them feel like 20,000 monkeys just took a shit on their heads.
Vision: That he can get these looks ready for the runway.
Delusion: The only way to make any of these models acceptable is if Gunn goes back and redesigns every collection himself.
What Would Nina Say: "You should have screamed louder."
Dramometer: 8

Althea's Collection
Context: Here is the finished product.
Vision: The future.
Delusion: There is nothing futuristic about any of these pieces. In fact, you can buy most of them right now at Express—on the sale rack.
What Would Nina Say: "I would put that suit in my magazine. But you won't let me, because you chose another winner."
Dramometer: 0

Carol Hannah's Collection
Context: Here are here 12 disparate looks. A couple of them we actually like.
Vision: Making a bunch of really great clothes, even if they are disconnected, will win the prize. Also, lilac buttplugs.
Delusion: That these fashion types don't care about "cohesion."
What Would Nina Say: "Can we take another look at Althea's?"
Dramometer: 0

Irina Won for This
Context: The most original collection ever on the face of the earth.
Vision: Black, black, black, brown, more black, and hats. It's like armor!
Delusion: The only thing we have to guard against is our eyes ever seeing something like this ever again.
What Would Nina Say: "All black will get no editorial coverage, even though my magazine is contractually obligated to cover it."
Dramometer: 0

There's backlash of course. This week programs across the network are creating stories that deal with environmental issues. Sure, the show complied (unplug your chargers and change your lightbulbs—servicey!), but not without biting the hand that feeds it.

First, Jack and Kenneth make fun of this silly little program. Sure, it reads as making fun of people who don't believe in global warming, but the show could have just made the directive to cut carbon emissions from GE headquarters instead of going the meta route and having a show about how NBC is making shows talk about environmental stuff.

When Kenneth goes into Jenna's dressing room to make her unplug her chargers, he comes armed with a silly pamphlet the network has put out. It features a quote from an actress who is barely known from a show that is barely on the air and with a bun that barely makes any sense. What a way to make fun of corporate propaganda.

Aside from Friday Night Lights we saw lots of making fun of other NBC shows last night, also getting hit were Heroes and The Cosby Show. At least the network is a good enough sport to give them clearance to dog on their shows.

And while we're at it, another observation: When did 30 Rock get so gay? Between Jenna's gaggle of gays, the funny gays in line at the Hugh Jackman event, and Liz's gay cop roommate this season has been mighty queer. It's like Cheyenne Jackson demanded the up they gay quotient by 15% before he would sign his contract.

Ok, now on to the final burn.

While it wasn't as great as last week's cry fest—guess that's what happens when deprived of Sue Motherfucking Sylvester for an entire episode—it was still a good time with a few chuckles, some surprising turns, and a whole lot of ballads. Yuck. But as always, it's the music we come for so let us see what we can decipher from this Lite Jazz station of an episode.

"Endless Love": Poor Lionel Richie. Babygay Kurt gave Diana Ross a shout out but the man who wrote this duet doesn't even get a mention. Burn! That wasn't the only diss last night, but the night really centered on everyone being totally crushed out.

The most obvious was Rachel on Mr. Schuester. This was a very unfortunate plot development. While it was really funny for an episode, the complicated codependency of these two would be much more interesting for the long run. Before last night, they both needed each other—Rachel to get famous and Will to win regionals—but neither liked each other. They had a tentative alliance that constantly put each other at odds. What a dynamic! It made Rachel's switch from disdain to adoration totally unbelievable.

More believable was Kurt's love for Finn. As a young babygay dealing with high school torment, BG Kurt crushes out on the first hot guy to pay him even the slightest bit of kindness and attention. The best part is that Babygay Kurt is doing just what Fred Phelps always accuses the gays of: recruiting. If only he could get Finn to ditch the bitch and make the switch, but it's going to take a few heartbreaks before BGK learns the first lesson of queendom: crushing on straight guys only leads to pain.

Speaking of which, we love that Puck doesn't wear underwear. Hey, we're not crushing out on him, but we sure are going to fantasize. He keeps fantasizing about his endless love for Quinn, and he finds it unfair that even though he is the babydaddy, she's bringing Finn home to meet the parents.

Also a nice touch was the slight dollop for a reminder that Emma is in love with Will. The writers didn't obsess over it, but used it for a few pivotal scenes. Same goes for Terri and her fake baby, which was a great punchline when she was dealing with Rachel, but we didn't have to listen to her blather for more than a few minutes at a time. Instead of a whole, heavy meal of these characters, we just got a perfect amuse bouche (I learned that from Top Chef!).

"I'll Stand By You": I don't know about you, but I only love Chrissie Hynde when she rocks out, not when she gets all sappy like in this very popular but underwhelming hit that Finn sings to the sonogram of his unborn child.

It's sweet that he wants to do what is best for himself and his child, and when he snapped at Kurt about everyone trying to make him be something he's not, he tellingly snapped. Quinn wants him to be a provider, Coach Tanaka wants him to be a baller, Mr. Schue wants him to be a star, Rachel wants him to be the Tony to her Maria, and Kurt wants him to be a gay. Well, he's not really any of those, and no one ever really thinks about what Finn wants. What he wants more than anything is to be a dad to his baby, and Quinn isn't even letting him do that. Speaking of which, is she still giving the baby to Terri? Is she going to put it up for adoption? Raise it herself? We're not sure, but babies make everything boring, so we hope it goes to a convent or a farm upstate or something.

When Finn was singing this song alone, we thought that the opportunity for greatness that would be a duet between him and Babygay Kurt would be lost (oh, if only he got to sing "I Honestly Love You"!). But no, they did something even better with it. Even though it was for his own dubious ends, it was nice that BGK could be an ally for Finn the whole episode. Sure, his advice backfired, but it's swell to see him making something close to a real friend. Our hopes for Kurt is that he meets a nice boy in another choir and they fall in love and go to to karaoke night with Mercedes every Thursday, but he still gets to be friends with Finn. We don't see straight boys and gay boys have platonic friendships on TV very often, so it would be a nice change of pace.

"Don't Stand So Close to Me"/"Young Girl": Are we still doing mashups? I would complain, but this one was actually good—maybe even better than The Police original, which does get a little monotonous after a bit. Still, it was an effective way for someone to tell another party to get away and start behaving correctly.

Of course Will was directing this at Rachel who totally lost her mind when she fell in love with him. Gold stars are obviously her thing, but did she really think he would wear that tacky tie? After she showed up to school in her Burberry print top, we guess she would. Don't her gay fathers see what she's wearing before she leaves the house? Anyway, Mr. Schuester was right to put an end to her advances, which were only going to cause them both pain. If only Terri got the memo, who thought to exploit Rachel for her cooking, cleaning, and craziness skills. Never having been one, I can't say with certainty, but it seems like all teenage girls are a little bit insane. No wonder Rachel won't listen to reason. And Emma was channeling her inner Twilight fan when she and Rachel watched Will sing. It was as if he was Robert Pattinson walking the red carpet and they were the only two ladies trying to claw their way past the barrier just to touch the jacket of Edward Cullen (If you are an old, insert The Monkees for Twilight and Davy Jones for Robert Pattinson).

Strangely enough, it was Suzie Pepper (Wendy's schizophrenic daughter) who had to talk some sense into Rachel. The only thing that could get through to her was a girl who burned a hole in her esophagus eating the world's hottest pepper in a fit of pique after being rejected by Will. Suzie really did Rachel a favor and pointed out that her lack of self esteem makes her choose men who are unattainable. Wow, she's right. Funny how that works. Since Rachel has internalized all the hatred of her peers and thinks of herself as an ugly dork, the only person who would love her is undeserving. And Will's pep talk after she "breaks up" with him was very nice and heart felt. Are these two on the way to becoming true allies? God, I hope not.

However, the best "step the fuck off" of the night came from Mercedes. When her duet partner Puck (now that is a wasted opportunity!) confessed that he is the father, she didn't do the predictable TV thing and go and tell everyone and ruin Quinn and Finn and Puck's lives. No, she kept her big trap shut and told Puck that he better step off as well. Quinn had chosen another man, and if he really loved her, he would respect her wishes and keep away. And you do not mess with Mercedes, so Puck did the smart thing and took his mohawk home and planned the next day's outfit—commando, of course.

"You're Having My Baby": If it were possibly to go back in time Terminator style and kill Paul Anka before he wrote this song to stop it from ever coming to pass, then we would try.

So, yeah, Finn sings this song to Quinn's drunkard parents as a way to let them know what is going on. The song sucks, but watching their faces go from bopping along and enjoying the song to figuring out that he means the lyrics quite literally was brilliant. They freak out and kick Quinn out of the house. If only her father were a little bit less cartoonish, the scene in the living room where he kicks her out and she protests might have hit a little closer to home, but still it was quite effective. The real tears came when she confronted her mother for knowing that she was pregnant and not being there for her. How could a woman let someone kick her child out of the house? Let's hope she puts some poison in her husband's scotch and invites Quinn and the baby to live with her (Team Quinn!) after he's dead.

It's a stark contrast to Finn's mother, who handles the news remarkably well. She's not happy, but she knows there is no changing the past, and the best thing she can do is help to manage a bad situation. When she is kind enough to invite Quinn to move in, well, that's how this show goes about breaking your heart with rainbows just about every week. This woman knows a thing or two about raising a baby alone, and she extends the invitation as much to help Quinn as she does to support her son. That is the way parenting should be done.

"Lean on Me": There is something about this Bill Withers classic that just makes me whither inside. Maybe it's because it makes me think of the Morgan Freeman movie of the same name, or maybe it's just the schmaltzy sentimentality that makes me mental, but I can't stand it. As far as this cover version goes, the arrangement was quite good (way to kill it at the end Mercedes!) but the sound was totally fucked up. There is no way those 10 kids in a school rehearsal room could make a sound that huge and grand. The sound has been way better in recent weeks, lets hope that they can sort all the mixing issues out before the end of the season.

While that may be messed up, the song selection has managed to be off-kilter and not obvious, even if we don't enjoy every number. This week also showed some great musical grace notes, like Rachel trying to sing "Crush" in the car with Will and Suzie Pepper crying to "More than Words" before choking on her chili.

The message of the song was spot on. It was great to see another episode of storylines revolving around the kids and the plot moving a bit more slowly. Now that we've established how they all help each other out, it was a little bit more believable when everyone offered to help Finn and Quinn carry the burden of teenage pregnancy and shacking up together in Finn's mom's house. While rounding out the show, it also did a little bit to advance the overall narrative of the season, by showing that Kurt and Puck may have backed off for now, but they're crushes are far from over.

The most shocking thing about this whole night though was that the show doesn't need to lean on Sue Motherfucking Sylvester to be good and hysterical. Sure, we would have loved for her to come down on high and let us know how Sue Cs it and deliver the best line of the night, but at the end of the episode, we felt like we got our money's worth without her. That doesn't mean we can't wait for her to be front and center next week though!

There is a place where the episode ends
And before the show begins
And there the chefs grow soft and white,
And there Jen's face burns crimson bright,
And there the brothers prep for their fight
To ballotine a thing.

Eli fights for Blaise, the Huck to his Tom Sawyer,
absurd, abstract and color blind, just like Indigo Montoya.
For Kev it's honor; for Jen it's pride
For Mike it's stabbing his brother in the side
But for all the chefs there's no nook to hide
Except in the place where the episode ends.

A chicken inside a duck tucked inside a pheasant
A tranny mess, fucked in a dress, triple stuffed protein ain't pleasant.
Jen triumphed though Eli snorted
Mike harumphed but Jen retorted
Kev and Bry were kind and all transported
To the place where the episode ends.

Lamb or salmon, two garnishes and no room for excuses.
[Technical perfection is, after all, the point of all Bocuses.]
Padma, clad in black and white,
Sent the chefs to stew the night
chew their cud and think what's right
to cook in the the place where the episode ends.

And lo, what an expert panel sat, chaired by Thomas Keller
D. Boulud and T Collicks and lotsa other fellas
And how they ate and dissected
Deconstructed and resurrected
Offered harsh critique and invective
In the place where the episode ends.

So the team served their protein on a mirrored platter
Flaws reflected and fillets thin. Some fillets were fatter.
Kev's was simple but Eli's lamb raw
Jen's salmon fishy, Mike's caught in the caw
Thomas Keller liked not what he saw
In the place where the episode ends.

Would any hack it in real competition, one shudders to think.
In a world gone wrong, the nation on the brink,
would you trust Mike's bouche to amuse?
or Eli's fusion not to confuse
or Jen's nerves not to torpedo her rouxs
In the place where the episode ends.

En fin, it was infant Eli whose head he had to lose
And crying he left blubbering "J'accuse!"
But all's fair in love and war and in the Bocuse
In the place where the episode ends.

[Apologies and deep gratitude to Shel Silverstein and Mike Byhoff.]

We distilled an episode of The Hills into 10 three-panel strips. That's two weeks' worth of contents on the funny pages! This is what it would look like.

Kristin and Brody Reminisce
Setting: The patio of a restaurant for brunch. They both look like they just spent the night rolling around in bed.
Panel One:
Kristin: Remember when we were together?
Panel Two:
Brody: Yeah, bro.
Panel Three:
Kristin: We should do that again.

Heidi in Therapy
Setting: The office of Dr. Jordana Mosbacher, Heidi lying down on a psychologist's couch with her wrist on her forehead.
Panel One:
Heidi: Doctor, I don't know what to do. I want babies so bad, but my husband doesn't want them. I think I'm just going to stop using birth control pills and surprise him.
Panel Two:
Dr. Jordana Mosbacher: The decision has to be a rational one, not a hormonal or emotional decision.
Panel Three:
Heidi: Oh doctor, when have you ever known me to make a hormonal or emotional decision?

Brody and his Bros
Setting: A gritty, poorly lit pool hall. Three men huddled around a table.
Panel One:
Brody Bro: Hey man, I heard that Jayde and Kristin got in a killer fight over you.
Panel Two:
Brody: Yeah, Bro.
Panel Three:
Brody Bro: That rules.

Kristin and Jayde
Setting: A swaky restaurant. Both women have drinks. Jayde should be swirling a martini glass with one eyebrow on her plastic face permanently arched.
Panel One:
Jayde: I know you don't want to be here and I don't want to be here.
Kristin: Why are we fighting? You and Brody broke up.
Panel Two:
Jayde: Everything was fine before you showed up! You steal everyone's boyfriends.
Panel Three:
Kristin: You're a bitch.

Kristin and Lo at Lunch
Setting: The patio of a nondescript restaurant that looks like every other restaurant where they film patio scenes.
Panel One:
Kristin: Hi, Lo. It's nice to meet you.
Panel Two:
Lo: Yeah, the producers told me we're supposed to be friends now. What's happening?
Panel Three:
Kristin: Jayde and I got in a fight.
Lo: DISH!

Audrina Thinks Heidi Is Nuts
Setting: The same patio where they just filmed Kristin and Lo, later the same day.
Panel One:
Heidi: I'm going to stop using birth control and then romance Spencer with dinner and candles so he'll knock me up.
Panel Two:
Audrina (covering her face): Heidi, that is a really, really bad idea. I mean, even I think that's a bad idea.
Panel Three:
Heidi: No way. I always get what I want.

Brody and Jayde: The Reunion Special
Setting: The inside of a restaurant. Again, Jayde is swirling a martini and has a permanently arched eyebrow.
Panel One:
Jayde: I love you, but you're a jerk. Will you stop being a jerk?
Panel Two:
Brody: Yeah, bro.
Panel Three:
Jayde: Yay, we're back together. Now you have to tell Kristin.
Broday: Yeah, bro.

Brody Breaks the News
Setting: Yet another restaurant. Don't these people have houses? Kristin is all dressed up for no apparent reason, but looking really good. Like most comic strip boyfriends, Brody is wearing the exact same T-shirt we always see him in.
Panel One:
Kristin : I think we have a really good thing together. I want it to be like old times.
Panel Two:
Brody: No, bro.
Panel Three:
Kristin: How dare you! Are you getting back together with Jayde?
Brody: Yeah, bro.

Heidi Tries to Get a Bun in Her Oven
Setting: The kitchen of Heidi and Spencer's glass coffin. Heidi is wearing an A-line dress and an apron. She is pulling a steaming turkey out of the oven, and kicking the door closed with one foot.
Panel One:
Heidi: Honey, I cooked dinner and made candles.
Panel Two:
Spencer: What the fuck is going on? Are you possessed?
Panel Three:
Heidi: No, I love you. Are you ready for dessert, and by dessert I mean sex.

Kristin and Stacie Make a Getaway
Setting: Back at the apartment, which is messy, strewn with clothes, crap, and empty martini glasses. For some strange reason, there is a bamboo gate at the foot of the stairs.
Panel One:
Kristin: Brody sucks, he got back together with Jayde.
Stacie: Yeah.
Panel Two:
Kristin: Justin sucks too. Listen, he's crying on my voicemail.
Stacie: Yeah.
Panel Three:
Kristin: What should I do?
Stacie: VEGAS!

Zac Attack at The Gates
By Betsey Morgenstern
SceneBSeen.com Senior Social Correspondent

It was another Roman bacchanal last night at neo-classical hotspot The Gates in Chelsea (is it still Chelsea if it's above 23rd Street?). Many managed to weasel their way past the velvet rope of the private club that has been ever more public ever since getting a great mention on Gossip Girl a few weeks back. Maybe Chuck Bass could utter my name once and then I would be just as popular. Oh, just kidding.

I certainly wasn't the center of attention, not with Whitney Port and Sammie Whatshername in attendance, lending moral support to their friend Roxy Carmichael Olin who was there to meet her new love interest Zac. We thought she was going to light the potted palms on fire when Zac walked in flanked by Jessica Stam, Brooklyn Decker, Agynnes Deyn, Chanel Iman, Shocklineva Costicova, and a certain reporter (me!). We sat down at a table nearby and ordered white wine spritzers, because they are Brooklyn's favorite and her husband, Andy Roddick was buying. Thanks, Andy!

It was hard to enjoy the wonderful cocktails thanks to all the glares coming at us from the three ladies nearby. Shocklineva leaned over and asked Zac what the deal was and he said that he and Roxy Carmichael Olin were friends back in L.A. and had drinks a few times in New York and he thought that RCO was harboring a little crush on him. It is obviously a crush that wasn't requited. Why would he mess with Roxy when he was out at a club with five models and a girl who constantly got offers to model when she was in J school, but was far too busy knocking on doors of apartments in Harlem to inquire about neighborhood shootings to do shootings for Vogue.

Anyway, Zac was telling us all about how they had drinks the other night and Roxy thought it was a date, even though the whole time she was talking about how Whitney was out with some boy named Patrick. As Zac tells it, Sammie had set Whitney up on a blind date with a boy she worked with at Bergdorf who is obviously gay. While at dinner, the boy, while cute, was a total jerk. She asked him where to get some "dunks" and he said, "You get dunks where they sell dunks, but you can only get dunks if you ask for dunks and you have to know what dunks are. And not Dunkaroos either, even though I loved that snack as a kid. I mean real real dunks that are only dunky enough to be dunks." Next he referred to Louis Vuitton as LV, and Whitney thought he meant 55, which is what it would be in Roman numerals. Then when the bill came, he dared to ask Whitney to "join forces" on paying the check. After dating the dashing and very generous Freddie Fackelmayer (who just celebrated our one month anniversary together by taking me out to dinner at Rouge Tomate, full disclosure!) he's going to need to do more to impress her.

I told Zac that he better go over there and straighten the girls out, so he walked over and plopped himself down next to Whitney. Roxy climbed over her friend and put a full-on stranglehold on Zac, accusing him of being fake and rude and drawing a Sharpee mustache on her that time she passed out drunk on Danny Masterson's couch. As usual Whitney got all flustered as soon as there was any conflict and everyone kind of forgot about Sammie, who was up at the bar hitting on Agynness Deyn, who does look very cute with her new haircut.

When Zac came back, he was pretty flustered, but we were determined to have a good time, so Shocklineva busted out her eightball and we did a few lines right there off the table. Roxy was still giving us the stink eye and I just couldn't stand looking at her anymore. That's when I started making out with Zac. I didn't do it to make her mad, it just sort of happened, and next thing you know, Jessica Stam has her hand on my boob and Sammie is lip locked with Agyness. Zac just leaned back nodding and smiling, his arms splayed out of the back of the couch as if he was the emperor of all of Rome and seven Phoenician slaves were making out just for him. No wonder he was completely oblivious to what little Roxy was thinking about him.

We left about three hours later, lipstick smeared, nose on fire, and only two white wine spritzer glasses broken. Brooklyn invited me to her Elle shoot the next day, which was going to be rough, but fun.

A Fashion Tree Grows in Brooklyn
by Betsey Morgenstern
SceneBSeen.com Senior Social Correspondent

No fashion magazine worth the paper its printed on would dare shoot in Brooklyn, but they are all clamoring to shoot Brooklyn Decker, the swimsuit model who is also married to tennis superstar Andy Roddick. Brooklyn, who I first met when she hosted a party thrown by Elle Magazine, Lycra, and People's Revolution PR at Miami International Fashion Week, is again working for Elle, but this time doing a shoot for the magazine. Creative Director Joe Zee had the vision of putting her in clothing inspired by menswear, like fedoras, jackets, and pants. With her athletic frame it was a natural fit. At one point accessories editor Olivia Palermo added a watch to the outfit. It was her only contribution of the day, but before that watch, Brooklyn was like a birthday cake with no candles. Way to go, Olivia.

After perusing the accessories table, they took Brooklyn up to the roof. As we were about to go out, we heard Zee fighting with Elle PR mastermind Erin Kaplan about her favorite subject, the ineptitude of Olivia. Erin was saying that she had to fight for everything she has where everyone expects her to just hold Olivia's hand until she's competent, and that's not fair. Joe thinks that Olivia is doing a great job and maybe, just maybe, Erin isn't managing her correctly. You mean barely masked scorn isn't a successful managing strategy? That's when we walked out and interrupted, and Brooklyn asked if she could hang off the structures on the roof and over the Midtown East traffic below. They said, "Genius!" She also proposed the headline of the article be "Double Decker" and they could transpose images of her on top of each other. They said, "Brilliant." Then she asked everyone to go to dinner at Rouge Tomate after the show, and they said, "Of course!"

Once the shoot wrapped, Brooklyn had a "headache" (possibly from white wine spritzers the night before at The Gates) and didn't go to dinner, but i tagged along with Joe Zee, Kaplan, and Palermo. There we met up with Robbie Meyers, editor-in-chief of Elle magazine and Nina Garcia's bête noire; Candice Rainey, an Elle senior editor who has taken a vow of silence; and Gabe Saporta and Ryland Blackinton of the band Cobra Starship.

As soon as we sat down Meyers was asking about the shoot. Joe Zee filled her in and let her know what a great team Olivia and Erin are. They're a regular Krystal and Alexis, but both blond. Olivia was beaming, as she always does at the sound of her own name, and Erin was stuffing her face with bread. Chewing might have kept the mean words out of her mouth, but not the evil expression off of her face. Robbie fell for it, and feel for Palermo, like everyone always does, even asking her to help pick out a dress for some Women in Hollywood soiree they're having. With that, she dragged Joe Zee outside because they had a better party to go to at The Box. Something to do with Levi Johnston and a porn award.

I wasn't paying attention, I was waiting to see if Erin could actually turn Olivia to stone with her eyes. Just as her face was beginning to look a little marbley, Olivia got up to leave. Before she had even gotten out the front door, Kaplan let everyone know that she thought Olivia was horrible at her job and lazy and stupid. Doesn't she have anything else to talk about? Maybe she should find out what Cobra Starship is listening to and write a story about hip new music. Or maybe everyone wants to talk about Jersey Shore, the new reality television program that is sure to revolutionize the world? No, she just binged on more carbs, and I excused myself to meet Freddie (my boyfriend, full disclosure!) at the bar for a hard-earned cocktail. Thanks to Brooklyn Decker, I'm drinking white wine spritzers. And make it a double, Decker!

The only thing more sickening than Gossip Girl (the narrator, not the show) and her repeated James Frey references was the writers ruining some good story lines with bad choices. We actually liked Olivia, and now she's getting the boot so that Dan can get it on with Vanessa, Our Lady of the Dreads. And just when slutty Serena was about to bag major hottie Trip, it looks like nelly Nate is going to be the one to win the hooker's heart of gold. Disgusting. After this boring episode, nearly everyone is on the decline!

Dorota:
Power Play: Helps herself to Olivia's outlets to plug in Blair's towel warmer: +2
Total: +2
Season to Date: 44
Power Position: Down

Blair:
Fashion Points: Just because you wear a beret does not mean you're arty: -2
Personality Flaw: Her sexual tension radar is tuned to perfection: +1
Power Play: Wouldn't be threatened by Willow Weinstein: +1, Knows something is up between Vanessa and Olivia: +1, Gets cast as the evil, aging queen: -3, Cause it's kinda perfect: +1, Can call in favors to Lady Gaga. No wonder the art fags love her: +5
Quip: "I don't converse with liars or Lewinskys": +1
Social Schemes: Finally assuming her rightful place as queen of the Tisch art fags: +1, Uses a movie star to advance her agenda: +2, Uses the threeway to exploit Olivia and Vanessa: +2, Her machinations get Dan into his playwriting program: +1
Total: 11
Season to Date: 27
Power Position: Up

Chuck:
Money: Has to do all sorts of menial things to impress wealthy hotel guests: -1
Personality Flaw: See's a little bit of himself in Jenny, and she's not that amazing, or bisexual: -2
Social Schemes: Saves Jenny from doing drugs: -1 (we wanna see druggie Jenny so bad!)
WTF: Has to go to the Statue of Liberty like some fat Midwestern tourist: -1
Total: -5
Season to Date: 22
Power Position: Down

Olivia:
Fashion Points: A simple rule of thumb: if your earrings are bigger than your hand and uglier than sin, maybe you shouldn't wear them: -2
Power Play: Knows Bitches of Eastwick is a bad idea: +2, Her and Vanessa are living in one seriously awkward dorm room: -1, Takes the stupid witch movie anyway: -3
Sexual Intrigue: Gets her man into the cabaret: +2, Embarrasses Dan in public by telling him that he's in love with Vanessa: +2, Dan chooses her over Vanessa: +1, She doesn't want anyone who has been tainted by Vanessa's evil talons: +1
Social Schemes: Teams up with Blair: +1, Fighting over Dan. Come on, she could have anyone: -1, Uses the play to see if Dan and Vanessa are in love. This girl has read Hamlet: +2
WTF: Don't leave the show! We were just starting to like you, Lizzy McGuire: -2 (one point for each of the tears we shed)
Total: 2
Season to Date: 0
Power Position: Up

Serena:
Fashion Points: Chainlink fence necklace: -1, Her dress looked appropriate for work on top, but later we see that the skirt is up to her cooch and she's wearing brown printed hooker stockings: -3, Resists urge to wear a blue dress when playing the part of the easy political intern: +1
Personality Flaw: Doesn't know the different between love and lust: -2
Sexual Intrigue: Is distracting a U.S. Rep with her ample bosom: +1, Self aware enough to know that if she is in the same room as Trip, she'll end up fucking him: +2, Tries real, real hard not to be slutty: +1, Since Trip wants to break up with his wife, her boobs are basically a boobie prize: -2, Was just waiting for the first excuse to stop being virtuous and start getting dirty: -3, Is single-handedly destroying the career of an elected official: +1
Total: -5
Season to Date: -2
Power Position: Down

Nate:
Boring: Doesn't want Dan to have a threeway, doesn't want Serena to slut it up, doesn't want to go see Gaga. Lame: -1
Family Secrets: His mother knows more about what is going on than he does: -2
Fashion Points: Manbangs are back: +1
Personality Flaw: He is like the Anne Landers of Gossip Girl, since when did everyone start coming to him for advice?: +2
Power Play: Serena goes to him for help: +1, Tries to persuade Serena not to fuck Trip: +2, Doesn't realize that trying to make Serena not slutty is a losing gambit: -3, What kind of gay misses a free Lady Gaga concert?: -2
Sexual Intrigue: Thinks it's nasty to have a threeway with Vanessa. Finally, someone says it: +3, Has prior sexual knowledge of Vanessa: -1, He just came out of the closet and told Serena he has a thing for "married men." Mazel!: +3, Goes back in the closet when Serena gives him a whiff of her magically potent pheromones: -1
Total: 2
Season to Date: -4
Power Position: Up

Dan:
Personality Flaw: Hasn't outgrown Morrissey: -2, Is the only person who doesn't know the threeway rules: -3, No one wants to ride on his disco stick: -1, Trades Morrissey for Gaga. That is sort of like trading in being a sad bastard for being a screaming queen: 0 (just an observation)
Power Play: Blabs about threeway the first chance he gets. Bad form, dude: -2, Casts Blair as an old queen: +2, His skit is a major rip off of the Saved by the Bell "Snow White and the Seven Dorks": -3, Knows that everyone at NYU is too young and oblivious to realize it: +4
Sexual Intrigue: Threeway confidence: +3, Has two girls fighting over his man guns: +1, His celebrity girlfriend is getting him places: +2, His celeb girlfriend leaves him for a crappy witch movie: -2, Wants to get together with Vanessa: -2, And she's interested in another guy. Burn!: -3
Social Schemes: Needs Vanessa to direct his play: -1
Total: -7
Season to Date: -9
Power Position: Down

Rufus:
WTF: Doesn't know what gonorrhea of the throat is. No wonder he gave it to both Courtney Love and Justine Frischmann of Elastica when on tour with Lollapalooza '96: -3
Total: -3
Season to Date: -11
Power Position: Down

Jenny:
Bonus: She is well on her way to being a drug addict. Jenny all strung out on pills is going to be even cooler than that time when she was living under a bridge with her sewing machine: +10
Personality Flaw: Obsessed with waffles. Leggo my Eggo, Little J: -1
Power Play: Embarrassed in front of the Chapin girls: -1, Uncomfortable being the accessory to a drug deal: +1
Sexual Intrigue: No one wants to date her: -1, Scores a hot ambassador's son: +3, He's shorter than her: -1, Her man is a drug dealer: -1, No, we change our mind, having a drug dealer boyfriend is kinda rad when you're in high school: +3
Social Schemes: Chuck takes control of her life: -2, You could be in worse hands the Chuck's: +1
Total: 11
Season to Date: -20
Power Position: Up

Vanessa:
Fashion Points: We can't remember what she wore last night, but we're sure it was ugly: -1
Personality Flaw: Is no Julie Taymour: -2
Power Play: Things are awkward with Dan: -1, Lives in one awkward dorm room with Olivia: -1
Sexual Intrigue: Went from third wheel to number-one girl: +3, Olivia steals Dan away from their Morrissey date: -2, Fighting over Dan, of all people: -2, Gets to kiss Dan: +1, Dan chooses her: +3, She disses him for some nameless guy. Burn!: +3
Social Schemes: Does a swell job stepping into the play after Olivia runs off: +1, Is the bigger person and tries to get along with Olivia and Dan: +1
Total: 3
Season to Date: -25
Power Position: Up

Lily:
Personality Flaw: Can't seem to remember for two weeks in a row that she has a silent gay son: -2
Sexual Intrigue: Is pimping out her stepdaughter. Creepy: -1
Total: -3
Season to Date: -35
Power Position: Down

But there isn't really any suspense during the preparations for Bryant Park because hardly anyone watching the show cares about who the winner is. It's going to be one of three bland and visionless designers. The only interest we have in the final runway shows is that it will mark the end of our torture, and like a reality TV POW, we will take our first tentative steps from the cage of this season, blinking in the light and viciously stumbling toward the next season hoping that it has a warm bowl of soup and a phone call from home. Being the "finale" there was no challenge, it was just a lot of Tim Gunn, which was great, and designer whining, which was not.

Things We Hated:

• Two Part "Finales": This does not really exist. It's sort of like having a two-part execution. Either the thing is over or it's not. In this case, it is sadly not over. Instead of knowing who the winner is and putting this behind us, we had all the wind up and none of the pitch last night. It was not part one of the finale. It was the second to last show. Don't even try your marketing mojo on the angry villiagers that are PR fans. We are sitting outside Lifetimes offices with torches and pitchforks and just hurtling this Frankenstein monster of an ending to come lurching toward us is not going to calm us down.
• Tim Meets the Family: This was originally a great feature, when Tim would go visit the designers at home and learn a bit about them and where they came from. Now it's a stunt for Tim to engage in some fake shenanigans for the camera. You made Tim Gunn utter the phrase, "I love a kitchen!" and for that, we will never forgive you.
• The Lilac Buttplug: Did anyone else notice that Carol Hannah is constructing a dress that looks exactly like a purple buttplug? And shame on Tim Gunn as the only gay standing not to mention it, because you know Ms. Kors has been waiting six seasons just to screech, "That thing looks like a lilac buttplug" from his judges chair.
• Self-Taught Designers: Sure, there must be some out there who do some good, but they're never on Runway. Whenever someone is self taught, they just don't have the goods to make it all the way through until the end. Hear that, Carol Hannah. It can't be that hard to go to fashion school. You don't have to get an MFA at Parsons, but if Christopher had gone to design school, he would probably be a working fashion designer right now, not some kid with a bad beard who cries alot and still lives in Minnesota.
• Irina's Yippie Dog, Princess: There is nothing worse than a bitch with a tiny little dog. We doubly hate Irina's dog because as soon as that little ball of dryer lint attacked Tim Gunn it was just so obvious that she would have one. Way to break the mold, Irina.
• Coney Island Design Gate: OK, so Irina can't use designs of Coney Island landmarks in her collection because they are trademarked designs, but Lifetime can clearly show them on the air? Did they call up whoever made that sketch and get him to sign a waiver or was that some lame last-ditch effort to try to work some scandal into the proceedings (a la Kara Saun not paying for her shoes or Jeffrey Sebelia maybe not doing all his own sewing).
• No Tension: There is just no tension in the work room at all. The surprise twist to make a 13th look was utterly predictable, as was bringing back the old designers to "help." No one has any serious problems with their clothing or is under serious time constraints and there are no model casting mishaps. There is just nothing compelling about this whole situation.
• Judges in the Work Room: Last night Ms. Kors and Nina Garcia Fashion Director of Marie Claire Magazine were behaving like parents who have joint custody of the kids but keep skipping their weekends and so they show up with a really elaborate gift to make the kids love them again. Guys, showing up to give the designers crappy "advice" before their runway show isn't going to make us like you, and it's not going to make you remember their names since you've been gone all season! Also, MK and NGFDMCM should not be slumming with no talent hacks like these. Their job is to talk trash about their cockamamie couture, not to nuture them.

Things We Loved:

• A Stitch in Time Saves Nine: The most enjoyable part of the whole hour was during the commercials when an extended trailer for the upcoming movie musical Nine completely transfixed us for two minutes. This is what Runway used to do, transport us to a world where we could see very fabulous and glamorous people doing miraculous things. We could peek behind the scenes and see how fashion was made, and by doing so, we were a part of it, like the magic of the runway was some somehow oozing out the television set and we were all little Carol Annes—our hands tingling with static next to the screen waiting to be sucked into the light and delivered from mundane existence for good. They did this with a fucking commercial!
• Being Back in New York: Just knowing the final three were back in the Big Apple made us feel happy and safe. Yes, we're Manhattan snobs. So what?
• Irina's Mom: She looks just like her daughter, but she seems fun and exciting, and was beautiful when she was young. And she didn't try to make Tim do something goofy. We like this lady.
• Althea's Boyfriend: He's cute. And keeps his mouth shut. What's not to love!
• Tim Gunn Drinking Champagne: He holds the flute by the stem with both hands very daintily, like a raccoon handling a half-eaten corn cob. It was just a moment of cute, unmanufactured beauty and quirkiness that reminded us why we love Tim Gunn. After the travesty of the home visits, we needed this.
• Swatch the Dog: The New York branch of the fabric store Mood has a dog that lives there named Swatch. He is the opposite of Irina's annoying ball of cliche. When we saw him on screen, all we could say was, "Aww." While that is a bit annoying, it's still cute.

So, in the end, we're left waiting until next week to see the final runway shows and see who wins. That means this week we're going straight to the videos! More designer stupidity ahoy!

Tim Gunn in an Apron
Context: Tim Gunn goes to Carol Hannah's friend's house in Huntington, NY ("the suburbs of New York City," ha!) and finds there her family has flown in to help them cook a southern meal. Tim Gunn has to make biscuits and they give him an apron.
Vision: To put Tim Gunn in an apron.
Delusion: To put Tim Gunn in an apron!
What Would Tim Gunn Say: "I don't know if I'm comfortable with this. I wouldn't want to look matronly."
Dramometer: 10

Copy Catty
Context: After Tim notices that both Althea and Irina are doing huge knits, Irina accuses Althea of copying her.
Vision: Irina has the vision that she invented the oversized sweater.
Delusion: She's just wrong. She's not that original and people don't want to copy her. Also, she's using other people's prints for her T-shirt, so she should just be quiet.
What Would Tim Gunn Say: "This looks like something I've seen before."
Dramometer: 8

Under the Gunn
Context: Irina explains how she changed her design after the producers told her she couldn't use a print of The Cyclone roller coaster because someone else designed it.
Vision: To write about the reasons why she loves New York on a T-shirt instead.
Delusion: That referencing Madonna will make all the queens in the audience love it.
What Would Tim Gunn Say: "I went back stage during the Sticky and Sweet tour. Let me tell you, it was both sticky and sweet!"
Dramometer: 4

Old Friends
Context: To help with the surprise 13th look the designers have to make, they brought back the last three designers to be their helpers. This has never ever happened ever in the history of Runway ever. We're shocked.
Vision: That bringing back the eliminated will create some kind of drama.
Delusion: These guys were bland and boring the first time around, nothing is going to change. Also, the "help" that they could give anyone in a sewing competition is negligible.
What Would Tim Gunn Say: "Isn't it great to have everyone gather round again?"
Dramometer: -167

Carol Hannah Puking
Context: Carol Hannah was late to the festivities because she had the stomach flu. After rallying all day, she's fallen ill again.
Vision: As one of the commenters on the live blog pointed out last night, that when Bunim/Murray—the company that now makes Runway and still makes The Real World—needs to create something interesting to watch, they show footage of two blondes crouched over a toilet.
Delusion: This really needs to be preceded by a hot tub scene to be effective.
What Would Tim Gunn Say: "This isn't very lady-like!"
Dramometer: 5

The Cruelty of Life as Illustrated by Models of the Runway

After new castmember Jack Danny (hello, Cheyenne Jackson!) tells Tracy and Jenna that they should be nice to Kenneth because he could be their boss some day, it throws their whole world order out of whack. Tracy decides to get to know Kenneth's future plans to see if he should worry about the way he's treated him. Of course, Kenneth says, in ten years, he hopes to be running the network, except there won't be a network. Burn, NBC! Looks like that Leno experiment will be the death of you.

There was also another great moment with Padma Lakshmi, though it must be unpacked (like a bag lunch) to get to all the layers of diss that it contains (the clip is below). Lakshmi hosts Top Chef on Bravo, which is owned by NBC. Top Chef's biggest sponsor is the "Glad family of products," a phrase that Lady P must know inside and out. To cast her as an egomaniacal version of herself who thinks she invented the sandwich bag (read Glad bag) but doesn't know the name of it will be a real kick in the shins to the people who write the checks for her show. Also, funny. No wonder there won't be a network in 10 years. 30 Rock is trying to put them out of business themselves!

Yes, last night was quite an emotional episode. And it was shaping up to be a "very special" episode of Glee, like when cousin Geri would come to visit on The Facts of Life, what with all the talk about handicapped people and gays and fake stutters . Being far superior to that '80s sitcom (sorry, Mrs. Garrett) our favorite singing dramedy about lovable losers didn't fall into the easy trap of sentimentality but instead went for some really genuine emotion. I'm still crying just thinking about it. Fucking Glee.

To really get into it, let look at what really got us to buy some stock in Kleenex: the music!

"Dancing With Myself": Yeah, yeah, we know this Billy Idol ditty is about jerking off, but on Glee it has a much more innocent meaning. For Artie, who finally got to do something other than wheel around aimlessly like a matchbox car in the back of a stationwagon, it's quite literal. He's always off by himself playing a guitar and not dancing with the rest of the Glee club. He's also not going to ride with them on the bus to sectionals because they can't afford the handcapable van that will get him and his wheelchair aboard. It's hard to be Artie, but he doesn't let it get him down. Such heart.

Also all alone is Quinn, even though she's carrying permanent company in her womb. First of all, Quinn looks much better now that he hair is out of that tight ponytail and she isn't wearing her Cheerios outfit every day. When out of uniform, it seems like she's growing a personality of her own as well. She was looser and more fun last night than she has been all season. Team Quinn! But it's hard to be her too. She's trying to keep her pregnancy secret and pay for all her doctor bills, and the only support she has is Finn, who isn't doing the job.

Speaking of which, Finn had a bout of lonliness himself last night. He's trying to play football and be in Glee and get a job to support his girlfriend that some other dude knocked up. Her constant nagging isn't helping either. But Puck is the stand-up guy Quinn needs, and he's so lonely pining after her that it takes him almost an hour to think up selling pot cupcakes to the school in order to pay for Quinn's ultrasound. A real juvenile deliquent like him should have been able to think that up in no time at all. You're slipping, Puck!

Rachel is back in lonely mode as well. Not only does Quinn have Finn asking "How high?" every time she tells him to get a job, but now Mr Schu is making her try out for her solos. Le gasp! She's worried that the auditon/election is going to turn into a popularity contest, but isn't any form of democracy really just that? She has no chance of winning, because everyone hates her, and you can't really blame them when she throws a hissy fit every time something doesn't go her way. You don't see Artie bitching and complaining because he's paralyzed, do you? If he can get through life without whining, then she can handle losing the solo in "Defying Gravity." God, Rachel. You're just like the new version of Melrose Place. We want you to like you, but you just make it so hard.

"Defying Gravity": Way to go Babygay Kurt and claim this song for the gays! Well, we've already taken it for our own. Just ask any queen who has stood on a cabaret table on Musical Mondays at New York gay bar Mecca, Splash, and thrown a handful of napkins in the air just as soon as Idina Menzel starts the first chorus. Amazing. Honestly, I enjoy this pared down version much more than the over-produced original from the musical Wicked.

Very obviously the song is about overcoming obstacles and using that journey as empowerment. That is just what Babygay Kurt does to get an audition for his favorite song. No wonder a young gay kid has a serious connection to this song, which is all about not accepting the limits others place on you to find the strength to be a powerful individual that wears Alexander McQueen to McKinley High. When Will won't let him try out to sing the song, BG Kurt goes to his dad, who takes his case to the principal. It's so sweet to see Pops go from an uptight greasemonkey to a PFLAG dad in the course of several episodes. All Babygay Kurt wants is a fair shake at trying to win the song, and once he has it, he works hard to make it happen.

Puck is looking for a fair shake too, but he wants to try out to win Quinn's icy heart now that she's carrying his baby. He comes up with moolah for her medical bills when stupid Finn can't. Even though he steals it from a bake sale that he made successful with drug-laced treats, his blond-headed object of affection is starting to see that he's a provider. Even more than giving her cash though, Puck seems to give Quinn the first real smiles we've seen all season, when they play Swedish Chef in the Home Ec room. Rather than giving her money, maybe really making her happy will be the thing that turns her heart around.

Even Finn is defying gravity by getting a job, even though he has to use Rachel and a little bit of lying about being paralyzed to get it. And why is Quinn even stressing about all this money stuff when she can get Terri to pay. Sure Terri, who is going to take the baby, said no to an expense account, but Quinn knows way too much about her and is way too shrewd to go about making boys pay for her lady vitamins when she can be conniving her way into the lap of luxury—or at least a few sets of free linens from Sheets-N-Things.

The biggest defyer of gravity is Artie who can not only defy gravity down there (and by that we mean his penis), but is also getting closer to Tina, the girl who has no last name but a stutter. Instead of letting his wheelchair push her away, he is trying to roll right into his heart. But once he gets there, she admits that her stutter was fake all along. We knew it! Either that, or her stutter was so bad that the writers made that up so that she would stop doing it. Seriously, her fake stutter was jacked. We can't believe anyone fell for that.

But she says that she came up with her ploy because she was so shy and she didn't want people paying attention to her and doing something that made her different would drive everyone away. But she has found the strength to be at center stage thanks to performing with Glee and she's dropping her ersatz impediment to be true to herself. We thought that Artie was being mean by reacting so harshly to her, but now we totally agree with him. When there are all these people, Babygay Kurt, Puck, Quinn, Finn, even Wicked Witch of the West Rachel, becoming strong by overcoming obstacles, she's been building one to try to hide behind. Sure, it's great she is growing as a person, but to someone like Artie (or BG Kurt or...) we could see how her fake stutter would be a s-s-serious no-no.

"Proud Mary": More than Tina Turner's defining anthem, this is a tune about the people one meets on a journey that make the trip worth taking and the burden a bit easier to bear.

The biggest enablers (and we mean that in a good way) were all the kids in the club, who got in their wheelchairs to roll a mile in Artie's shoes and to perfect their skills for this killer choreographed number. It's like jazz hands-icapped!

Babygay Kurt helped out around the house. When his father gets a homophobic phone call (we swear it was one of Rachel's fathers on the other end) BGK realizes that he may be strong enough to be out but his father isn't. He tells Pops that being a big ol' ball of gay glamor made him different, but his difference made him strong and will eventually get him out of crappy Lima for a job toiling away on Fashion Avenue. Well, that is when the tears started in earnest. We officially have a Pavlovian response to Kurt, and every time he sashays on screen, we get that tight, dry feeling in the back of our throat that signals another crying jag that we try to tamp down.

Tinyqueen Kurt (sorry, we had to mix it up) throws his audition so that his father doesn't have to take any extra heat from the people in town who don't want a boy singing a girl's song. We think that his father would have found a way to cope, that he would have found something redeeming in his own struggle to be accepted, but it's noble of Kurt to put his father before his own happiness. He's going to have plenty of time to be gay throwing napkins from atop a cabaret table at Splash on Musical Mondays.

Even though Artie is receiving so much good will from the team, he doesn't want to use the money selfishly to ride on the bus, but would rather install a ramp in the auditorium so that other kids can get themselves to center stage once he's gone. Jesus, why can't you just be a normal egotastic teenager, Artie. That wouldn't make us have to pull out one of the crumpled hankies from the bottom of our pockets to dab our eyes. What a jerk! Think of us!

But the nicest thing of all was that this was the first episode where everyone functioned as a unit rather than a bunch of subplots swimming along trying to impregnate a musical egg to give birth to this baby of a show. Before when someone would say "Oh, we have Glee, and we're all friends," we wouldn't buy it. But not anymore. And Will really is the one who made it happen. He finally did the right thing and got the kids to look past their selfishness to work hard to bring Artie along with them, and they all benefited. Except Rachael. She's still a bitch.

Jump Rope for Heart: Did you think we forgot about Sue Motherfucking Sylvester? Please!

She was a bit out of character last night, but she was still the best of the bunch. When she was nice to a little Down Syndrome girl and let her be on the Cheerios, we were seriously suspicious. Then, when she was drilling the girl and being mean to her in the gym, we knew that Sue was going to have some connection to handicapped people that was going to make her a real character and not the funniest one-dimensional sketch this side of Balky Bartokomous. It turns out that her sister has Down Syndrome, and Sue knows a thing or two about defying gravity for her family. OK, Glee, we'll make a deal. You can only go about making Sue MF Sylvester into a real person if she'll continue to be a raging bitch who says every inappropriate thing that comes into her little head. You already made her being a cunt to a retarded girl into an act of supreme love, don't you go doing that to everything. We cry enough as it is!

But really this jump rope sequence is like a great episode of Glee: everything piece working in synch to create something that is greater than the sum of its parts. Last night worked very well, mostly because it focused more on the kids and their relationships to each other rather than all the fake-baby-craziness, the Will-and-Emma-will-never-get-together antics, and all the other stupid adult bullshit that drives the show off the rails. It took the time to slow down the plot mechanics and really introduce us to these people. Also, the music sounded better than ever. Just when you thought you couldn't love something even more, it rides a unicorn back from several weeks away with a big bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a Snuggie to keep you full, warm, completely satisfied, and a little damp around the eyes.

The fasten seat belt sign chimed off and Nigella Lawson, though tired from her Stansted to Vegas direct, lept from her seat. Anticipation, Satyricon lust, anxiety, hope warred in the ample playground of her bosom. Her nipple twitched in anticipation like a runner at the starting blocks. "Will Padma recognize me?" she wondered, grabbing madly at her Blackberry, "Will I recognize her?" The two food porn actresses would be meeting for the first time since they shared a night of wild Sapphic passion at the Food and Wine Classic in Aspen last year. There, on a blanket of pine needles, Nigella had found herself in the circle of Padma's love. And though time and distance had cooled the warmth of that moment, Nigella hoped they could rekindle that spark and that in the hotter climes of Las Vegas, it could flame to contagion.

The whip-p0or-whill mourned the sun as it rose over the Top Chef complex. Inside, six chefs remained, a bunch of culinary Koreshians: Kevin the Redeemer, Eli the Pissant Devil, Jennifer the Dirty Angel, Mike the Mephistopheles, Bryan the CFO of The Afterlife and Robin The Insidious Echo. The chefs rose and entered into the intestines of the Venetian, a hotel that has recreated Italy but without the history, the Vespa fumes, the marble and the art. In a service kitchen, a phone rings. For the Quickfire, they must cook Padma breakfast. She's above them, in a bathrobe, glowing.

In a bathrobe, glowing, Padma wants breakfast. She has company, glowing and breakfast-wanting too. Things went well when Nigella cleared customs. Padma had had a rough week, nay, a rough year, but had buffed her skin to an Indian summer and had sugared her crotch to depilated perfection. Her landing strip was ready. Her breast too heaved with excitement and anticipation and also, since she had just taken a monster hit from Tom Colicchio's dragon bong, coughing. A speck of spittle, like a diamond froth, flecked her lips like in a Marilyn Minter photograph. As soon as Nigella and Padma beheld each other they held each other, one folding into the other like dough to dough. Later, they made love, watched The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 ("This is the most unrealistic movie I've ever seen," said Padma, "and not in a good way either.") and then went back to their twin beds and slept in their bathrobes. They were hungry for eggs.

Eli, fat baby, who doesn't eat breakfast because he's usually up so late at night playing Scrabble with his Mom at the home he shares with his parents, won. His recipe, a morning play on a Reuben sandwich, will be featured in a Top Chef cookbook. "Cool," he said, over and over. "That's cool, Eli," said Kevin and it was clear he did not think either Eli or his recipe were cool. "Cool,' said Eli, in response.

Doing a grave disservice to Las Vegas casinos, the contestants were then sent to be "inspired" by Las Vegas casinos. Eli attends the saddest Circus in the world, Circus Circus. A concession stand sold achos. Fake fare unfair games, manned by real carnies, preyed like leopards on the fat, the slow, the sick, the fannypacked hasbeen and neverwere calves suckling from the teat of capitalism and getting only thin sour milk. Eli correctly noted, "There's no circus at Circus Circus," and headed to a nearby brothel in Ely, NV, to pay $200 for a halfie. Robin went to the Bellagio and got her mind blown by the color there. "I'm an artist," she unhelpfully and incorrectly explains. Mike went to New York New York, home of fake September 11th and began to build a tenuous connection between firefighters and chicken wings. Bryan soberly assessed a shark tank somewhere. Jennifer gots to get completely hammered watching a wizard and wandered aimlessly across a never-ending pattern of carpet vines. Kevin fondled a dolphin. [Kevin: See The Cove and fondle dolphins no more.]

After their breakfasts, Padma felt gassy and Nigella felt jetlagged. Worse, the night of passion had left smoldering ashes. Worse still, it was by the light of their watch fire in the night, that each saw looming over the other the cast of characters and the accumulated responsibility that throttled their love. Padma worried that Nigella couldn't be the mother she wanted for her child. Nigella worried they could not make up for distance and the distance between their years. They knew their love was a fragile Chihuly flower, a suspended iridescent air bubble racing to the water's surface where it would burst to oblivion. Whether she saw its disappearance as freedom or as death was a secret neither Nigella nor Padma wanted the other to know.

Things were tense at the judge's table. Toby Young, like a child acting out during his parents' divorce, tried to break the ice by making some horrendous jokes. No one paid attention. NIgella tried to concentrate but it was all she could do to not break into tears. Her love was intact and at the same time irretrievable, like a memory beyond the grasp of recall or an insect in amber. For her part Padma, caught in a crossfire of emotion, sank into a slo-mo catatonia. The chefs stood in front of her close but far like in a tilt-shift photo, their words mere sounds and their food dead to a tongue once so passionately entangled. Toby Young, a tattler twat, prattled on, prawn-faced and shrimp-souled, a sad malignant skin tag on television, a twit melanoma given a platform, made even more profane by the love and beauty so close to him passing unheeded and uncaught like waves of a deeper frequency to which he will never be attuned.

It was either Sadcircusfatboy Eli, who tried to make soup from white chocolate and cashew nuts, or Cancertalkbot Robin, who made Nerf Panna Cotta, that would be going home. That much was clear. I had hoped it would be both. It was only Robin, who cried and didn't once bring up cancer. [She had cancer.] Her passing was less gleeful than I had hoped. It was more of an execution than a crime of passion. I won't miss her; no one will. She was no good. But neither is Eli and I am sure his parents miss him. Eli, you should go home. Your mother misses you.

The human soul is a stupid thing. Nigella and Padma held hands on the way to the airport. They weren't trying to recapture something they never had had anyway but merely grasp what was left. Hope trumps memory and the heart wisdom. Winsome and weeping, the two women, cocooned in the back seat of a Suburban packed with their baggage, cut through the Vegas traffic. They were deaf to the horns, deaf to reason, deaf to anything but each other. They were in an air bubble hurtling to the surface. Padma sighed and nestled into the nape of Nigella's neck. "We'll always have Vegas," she whispered. Nigella just laughed, looked out at the Strip where the neon lights, shining in the hot sun, futily glowed and awaited the night.

Thank you to Bruce and Mikey Byhoff and hero intern Yoni Lotan for the video.

That's right, she's been weaving fairy tales for little Enzo next door, and entertaining him when she's not using him to manipulate others or completely ignoring him because she's fighting with her mess of a husband. Let's listen to what our little Snow White tells the kid while they're hanging out in her glass coffin.

"There was once a pretty, pretty princess who lived in a far away land called Realitytelevasia. She had long hair and was really thin and dreamed of having a recording contract. Her name was Heidi, and one day she met a magical traveling salesman, Spencer. He had blond hair and a bad attitude and he told Princess Heidi that he could make all her dreams come true. They got married and moved to the jungle with a bunch of other princes and princesses, but they hated it there, so they left and claimed that they were abused so that people wouldn't think they were stupid.

When they got back to Realitytelevaisa, Princess Heidi found out that Spencer had some magical juice and it would give her babies and take all her troubles away. But if he gave up the juice, then Spencer would be trapped with Princess Heidi for life and he would have to give up all the fun things he loved like drinking 40s, hanging with his bros, and hitting golf balls in the back yard. So, one day he snuck out of his glass castle in the sky and went to go see an evil ogre who he thought could turn the juice off. He said that he could, but it would be very painful and he would ruin Salesman Spencer's goods for life, and that he would never get his juice back again.

He thought about how mad Princess Heidi would be if he shut the juice off for good, because an ancient curse said that if she didn't have the juice by the time she was 30, then she would turn into an awful screaming wombat and would eat Salesman Spencer limb from limb. He left the ogre and went back to the glass castle and when he saw Princess Heidi she was with her favorite munchkin who had been following Salesman Spencer all along. The muchkin told the princess about the trip to the ogre and she got very upset. "What do you mean you want to your juice to dry up? I want the juice!" she screamed. "I want you to have the juice, and I would love to give it to you," Spencer said, "but not now." "Give me the juice! I must have it! I must spawn!" she screamed as her voice lowered an octave and she grabbed onto shirt shaking him. "No, you can't have the juice," he said.

"You will give me the juice!" Princess Heidi ordered, waving her magic want at Spencer's crotch. From it grew an enormous vine that went all the way up into the clouds. Princess Heidi climbed all the way up to the top of the vine hoping to find a pot of magical baby juice for her to drink, but it wasn't there.

Instead, she found a poor washerwoman named Kristin, who told Princess Heidi that she was dating a prince, but he got turned into a frog by his ex-girlfriend the Awful Audrina. Now Washerwoman Kristin was lonely. But she found a new prince named Brody. They had danced at a ball a few times, and the prince had been held captive for many years by a tranny troll named the Jayde Dragon. Prince Brody had finally escaped the dragon's clutches and had run for the washerwoman.

Kristin loved the prince more than she loved separating whites from darks and wanted very much to marry the Prince so she's never have to wash again. She demanded to go visit with the Queen, the prince's mother. The queen has been placed under a magic spell that permanently made her skin brown, her lips plump, her hair blonde, and her waist thin. To make the spell work, she had sold all of her brains personality. But the spell did work, but when Kristin tried to talk to her, all she did was giggle and drool on herself from inside her hollow plastic shell. But the Queen gave her consent to the Prince's union with the washerwoman, even though the Prince still had to agree.

They left her palace and went to a ball in a magical land where woman hang from hoops in the sky and there are tiny little jugs of ale that make all the men and women beautiful and make them misbehave spectacularly. Just as the Prince and WW Kristin were starting to get close, the Jayde Dragon flew in with her minions. "How dare you get close to my man," she bellowed as fire came out of her mouth. "Get the fuck out of here with your minions," the washerwoman said. But the Jayde Dragon has the shape of a woman and the strength of a man, so she did not listen. She just shoved her tiny talons at the Washerwoman and tried to pluck her eyes out.

But suddenly the Prince got on his steed and rode away. It seems that, even though he lives in the great kingdom of Realitytelevasia he is deathly allergic to drama. His eyes start to puff up and his throat starts to close when he was exposed to it. When the epic battle between the Jayde Dragon and poor washerwoman Kristin broke out, it sent him into a life-threatening attack. The next morning, he realized how weak he looked and went to get his knickers cleaned at Kristin's house. He told her that he was done with the Jayde Dragon and her evil clutches for good, but he had to be with someone who could keep him free from the evil stench of dangerous drama for the rest of his life. Kristin thought that might be a problem, especially since Frog Justin Bobby was about to be ribbiting in her doorway again.

As this was happening, Frog Justin Bobby was sharing a meal with the Awful Sorceress Audrina, who derives all her strength from her tiny little eyes. They used to be a couple, but the sorceress tired of his well-coiffed beauty and cast him back into the world for other women to claim. But once they had him, she wanted him back. It's always the way with those magical sorceresses. Glinda was the same way! So, to keep him from dating washerwoman Kristin, she put a curse on Prince Justin and turned him into a frog. Kristin sent him back to the sorceress to be fixed, and she turned him back into a man, and gave him a shave and a haircut for good measure.

But now that he was returned to his true shape, he didn't want to stay with Awful Audrina anymore. He wanted to be back with Kristin, because he would much rather be with someone crazy who lives by the sea than someone who is crazy and lives not by the sea. He's a surfing prince, and he needs to be close to the waves. So he tells Awful Audrina that her hexes will not work on him anymore, and, even if he is still a frog, he is going to hop back to the ocean to be with Kristin.

She slams down her magic wand and says, "Fine!" and then hops on her broom to fly off into the sunset. All the way she cries tears, beautiful magical tears that Princess Heidi collects in a bucket. They are even more powerful than the juice of any traveling salesman, and she will use those tears to create a life of happiness for herself and all the creatures of Realitytelevasia.