The Way We Live Now: catastrophically. We can scarcely enumerate the varied and horrifying catastrophes befalling us at any given moment! Snow! Blight! Unemployment! Scams! Theft! Urban decay! The only way to survive is to be on the catastrophe's side!
The Way We Live Now: starving. Who can afford food these days? Maize, soybeans, wheat... the prices are all ridiculous. We're saving our money to fund our empty pension plans, replace our crumbling football stadiums, and recreate the Rust Belt!
The Way We Live Now: stroking our chins as we contemplate which of our dozen or so late-model quality American automobiles we want to take out for "a spin" on our nation's roads. Have you heard? Cars are back!
The Way We Live Now: together, as a nation, bracing for the bitter winter that's descended upon us. Some of us are "bracing" in our pricey Manhattan condos; others are bracing against a brick wall. But we're all bracing, united.
The Way We Live Now: launching headfirst into whatever might be in front of us. Brick wall? Glass window? Wheel of fortune? All of the above! The point is that we're exhibiting economic optimism. If that's bad, well, kill us.
The Way We Live Now: looking back wistfully at the glorious year past, standing astride the river of commerce, one foot on the solid bank of triumphal economic revival, the other on the muddy bank of economic recession. Dancing!
The Way We Live Now: falalalalala-ing. It's a little holiday carol of cheery tidings we enjoy, entitled "Privatize Christmas." Santa on a private sleigh! Temp elves! Globalized toy labor! Let the poor decompose and fertilize the ground. Privatize all, falalalala!
The Way We Live Now: putting on our best suit, looking you square in the eye, and instructing you to do something. That "something" is to get back into the stock market, immediately. We expect our advice to be followed.
The Way We Live Now: rubbing our palms together in a "woo boy, the good times are coming" fashion. The good times are coming! Lower unemployment! Hot stocks! Super deals! We're getting into day trading, to make our fortune!
The Way We Live Now: on three legs of a four-legged stool. The majority of the news is good! Retail is good. Prices are rising. Businesses are optimistic. So what if the last element is not in place? Wobbly's okay!
The Way We Live Now: giving up on ourselves. That's a step in the right direction! It's ourselves that got ourselves into this mess. The sooner we turn to other, better people for help, the better off we'll be. Hopefully.
The Way We Live Now: putting on the squeeze. The big squeeze, the main squeeze, the tight and juicy squeeze. If you're not squeezing, you're getting squeezed. And if you ain't got a bartender, the squeeze business can be rough.
The Way We Live Now: explaining things very slowly. Over the past few days, we've heard lots of chatter from the chattering class over our new American tax structure. Is it "fair?" We'll break this down as simply as possible.
The Way We Live Now: ringing bells. Alone, at home, by ourselves, where no one else can hear. The Salvation Army is an untenable burden on our souls. All we want is Jesus' blessing, and a small but reasonable bribe.
The Way We Live Now: stocking up on outrage. You can't blow all your outrage at once during this long and protracted class war. You have to parcel it out. Like budgeting for food, or cable, or your upcoming funeral.
The Way We Live Now: new. And by new, we mean "worse." Saying "new" just kind of makes it seem...shiny, you know? Interesting and maybe even a little adventurous. We're splurging! We're consuming! Even if we can't afford it! Patriotically!
The Way We Live Now: taking emergency measures. We know some of you business types are doing well; you'll be happy to learn that we're taking emergency measures on your behalf anyhow. Unfortunately, the unfortunate will have to be jettisoned.
The Way We Live Now: struggling with duality. We have two options, it seems, and both are bad. Ugly money or poor beauty? High taxes or high unemployment? Big salaries or bad judges? We feel very heroic, so much option-weighing!
The Way We Live Now: stealing everything in sight. Out of necessity, mind you. We're not some common criminals. Common criminals can't get jobs at all. We're uncommon criminals, avenging economics itself, with bold, technically criminal action!
The Way We Live Now: sharing the wisdom. We don't need any eye-opening crisis or life-threatening illness to prompt us to share with you, the consumer, all of our accumulated economic wisdom. All we need is boredom. Bingo, let's go.
