Gawker: redundancies

'Crain's' Newsroom In A Cold Sweat

Maggie — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 17:15:58 EDT

Crain's New York Business editor Greg David, a 22-year veteran of the magazine, was kicked upstairs earlier this month, and he's none too happy about it. "David is not going quietly," a tipster tells us, describing the atmosphere as "really horrific." Apparently there have been tears in the ladies room! Frankly, we would be kind of cranky ourselves if management declared us past our expiration date after 22 years. Yesterday, David fired assistant managing editor Carmen Fleetwood, but we hear the decision probably wasn't related&mdash the two often butted heads. Fleetwood hadn't been at Crain's long&mdash she joined the magazine in June after 13 years as a reporter and editor at Dow Jones Newswires.

This Week In Gawker Redundancies

abalk — Thu, 09 Aug 2007 15:00:21 EDT

See, the thing is, we don't really like getting rid of our commenters. Or, you know, we do, but we get distracted really easily. Ooh, look at that adorable puppy outside. OMG so cute! What? Oh, yeah. As we were saying. Sometimes we forget that it's time to clean out a little bit of the dead wood 'round these parts. And then sometimes we remember. Today is one of the days when we remember. Security, please escort the following folks out:

Made Redundant: Thomas Pynchon
Reason for dismissal: Against The Day blew.

Made Redundant: Gothamcityincider
Reason for dismissal: 1. Spamming with his user name.
2. Being a fucking douche.
3. Using the forbidden word "YAWN."
Bring something to the party or go the fuck home.

Made Redundant: PikachuMcHeidegger
Reason for dismissal: Talk about missing the point.

Made Redundant: Diverdown
Reason for dismissal: Racist, ESL-like punctuation.

Made Redundant: Malcolm816
Reason for dismissal: Hey Kettle, it's me, Pot. You're fired.

Redundancies are just that: An HR-approved way to get rid of you while deflecting all blame and making you feel doubly victimized. It's not you—it's just that we don't need you any more. Y'all may check the Gawker Comments FAQ. It is also true that banned commenters may return through our invitation. The best way to receive such is to send us cookies (peanut butter, please, and not personalized) or charming and juicy gossip-filled emails.

This Week In Gawker Redundancies

abalk — Wed, 18 Jul 2007 16:50:49 EDT

You probably thought yesterday's little expulsion drill meant that you were safe from redundancy for another week, right? Wrong! We are particularly bloodthirsty of late, and our mania will not be sated until we've escorted another batch of commenters off of Gawker property. This week, however, we've decided we're going to concentrate on a specific group of commenter to can. How did we choose? It's a kind of magic.

Made Redundant: A random selection of those who have expressed approval of Harry Potter or -worse - have actually claimed to read the books. The following people will now have plenty of spare time to read their copies of Harry Potter Dies:

Elsewhere, SparrowKing, InfoEd, ToadAway, and DeliciousNoise. Come back and see us when you've grown up a bit, 'kay?

This Week In Gawker University Expulsions

abalk — Tue, 17 Jul 2007 14:20:23 EDT

Dear Gawker University Student,

We regret to inform you that your performance this semester has fallen well below the lofty standards we set for those who attend our institution. I'm sure you remember your first class, when Professor Sicha uttered those immortal words, "Look to your left. Look to your right. One of those people will not be graduating with you. Eww, probably the one with the bad hair!" Unfortunately, your behavior during yesterday's lecture was the final straw: You are one of those students who will not be completing your education with us. If you're on the list below, please turn in your ID card to your dorm's R.A. We wish you the best in future endeavors at less prestigious universities.

Sincerely,

Balk's Cock
Provost

Titanica, your baffling insistence that all academics need look like Harold Bloom represents the worst kind of cattiness masquerading as feminism.

Thugster, your obvious lack of comprehension of the material suggests that you'd be better off in a less demanding institution.

BetteNoir, while we've admired some of your work in the past, but your derision for the long-overdue expansion of the discipline is profoundly anti-intellectual. Also, Zen and the Art of the Celebrity Blowjob would be a great book.

Superba, the hallmark of Balk's parodies is a lack of any actual useable information. You clearly haven't been doing the reading.

Coco Jin, the suggestion that your professor slept her way into her book contract is deeply offensive, especially coming from someone who is actually proud to label herself "this member of the U of MN press' stable of authors."

Trix-Are-For-Kids, we're disappointed in your lack of reading comprehension.

While we're sorry to lose you as students, you'll find that the potential for expulsion was made clear in your acceptance letter. Perhaps once you've taken some time off and thought about things you'll consider re-applying. A strenuous self-critique might aid your chances for readmission.

This Week In Gawker Redundancies

abalk — Thu, 28 Jun 2007 15:38:13 EDT

We can't convict Lindsay. We can't kill Paris. So we're taking our anger out on our own commenters. Hey, slow news day, isn't it?

Made Redundant: BobbyJoeBoB
Reason for dismissal: Being a Category Five Dickface

Made Redundant: DeathOrGloryToad
Reason for dismissal: Gambling on Emily's mood, losing.

Made Redundant: Aatom, Bill Brasky, Ctrl-Freak
Reason for dismissal: Hey, guess what? We know when it's a slow news day! That's why we're posting crap in the first place? You want a more exciting read? Make something happen. Send us an email about what socialite you fingered this weekend. Leak us a memo. Kill Walter Cronkite or something. (We are not actually suggesting that you kill Walter Cronkite. But if you happen to have access to him for some reason, maybe try jumping out of a closet when he walks by and yelling "Boo!" Just to see what happens.) We'll make the "slow news day" cracks around here, thank you.

This Week In Gawker Redundancies

abalk — Wed, 20 Jun 2007 14:25:32 EDT

Been a while since we cleared out the dead wood round these parts, and we're feeling a little itchy. (Maybe we should manscape!) So let's get right down to business: The following people are fired. And probably unattractive to boot.

Made Redundant: phil anderson
Reason for dismissal: We were the ladies first, you fuck.

Made Redundant: stupid
Reason for dismissal: Is as does.

Made Redundant: Sam_Glamgee
Reason for dismissal: Cliched racism.

Made Redundant: ilivereallyfar
Reason for dismissal: Discouraging our outside interests.

Made Redundant: Bronte
Reason for dismissal: Sucking.

This Week In Gawker Redundancies

abalk — Fri, 08 Jun 2007 15:08:31 EDT

You probably figured that we forget about redundancies this week, didn't you? Uh, yeah, we totally did! So we scrambled today to cobble together a list of people who have ticked us off in the last week-and-a-half and sent them packing. You never know when that pink slip's gonna come. (But it's usually on Wednesdays. Sorry about that.)

Made Redundant: Appletini
Crime: Thinking this is the "Sex and the City " game board.

Made Redundant: Nicoel
Crime: Lookism.

Made Redundant: Lilly
Crime: Not being as fascinated with us as we are with ourselves.

Made Redundant: IBentMyWookie-v2
Crime: Inability to read bylines, ability to enjoy "Scrubs."

Made Redundant: Astro-nom
Crime: Someone has to take the fall for all the idiots who didn't understand that Ben Greenman was joking; Astro-nom was first in line.

This Week In Gawker Redundancies

abalk — Wed, 30 May 2007 16:34:35 EDT

Maybe it's the warm weather or maybe it's the extra few we tossed back at "lunch" this morning, but we're in a generous mood this week, and to show you how happy we are, we're only going to knock four of you out of the box this go around. But don't take that as a sign of weakness; next week we may be feeling especially ragged and wind up sending sixteen of you away in compensation. Anyway, time for our reverse rose ceremony. Here's who leaves.

Made Redundant: Sven
Crime: WHAT HAVE YOU BROUGHT TO THIS WORLD, MOTHERFUCKER?

Made Redundant: SpanishFlyByNight
Crime: General rampant idiocy.

Made Redundant: Nicolars
Crime: Making fun of Rosie O'Donnell is retarded.

Made Redundant: sloppy_seconds
Crime: If we're not allowed to use the phrase "sticky lady juice" then no one else is either.

This Week In Gawker Redundancies

abalk — Thu, 24 May 2007 15:50:55 EDT

You know who we would have liked to execute this week? Our fucking servers. But we couldn't, because they're inanimate objects. And they're already dead. (Zombie servers! Run!) In lieu of that, we've picked five of you who will now be escorted from the premises. Pack up your desks, here comes security.

Made Redundant: Johnny Awesome
Crime: Jealousy.

Made Redundant: Nurse Pornstein
Crime: Failure to understand the world's easiest joke.

Made Redundant: Tootie
Crime: Aberrant desires.

Made Redundant: Lock
Crime: Utter disregard for our abandonment issues.

Made Redundant: Awesomist VI
Crime: We missed ya, buddy! See you again in a couple of days.

This Week In Gawker Redundancies

abalk2 — Wed, 16 May 2007 15:42:20 EDT

Some week, huh? In between all the folks talking about how callous we are toward injured children (uh, you've seen the t-shirt, right?) and questioning our commitment to making Gawker a safe space for womyn, there were plenty of options to choose from in the redundancy department. Unfortunately, we were pressed for time, so we just picked five folks at random. Let's give a final embrace to them together!

Made Redundant: Rufus
Crime: Channeling that Borscht Belt sensibility way too accurately, unfunnily.

Made Redundant: SuperLex1000
Crime: Casting aspersions on our mother's parental abilities.

Made Redundant: that one guy
Crime: Wishing childbirth upon us.

Made Redundant: Sigerson Holmes
Crime: This redundancy was actually forced on us by the Ad Sales Department. Sorry, dude.

Made Redundant: Jew
Crime: Nothing, really, we're just feeling kinda anti-Semitic today.

This Week In Gawker Redundancies

abalk2 — Thu, 10 May 2007 14:01:53 EDT

As long as we're getting rid of things around here we might as well toss out a few commenters to boot. We've started to realize something: Posts about femiladyism bring out the worst in some people. A healthy portion of this week's cull comes from chick-related topics. The rest of the departed? They're just dicks. Here's who goes:

Made Redundant: Longacre
Crime: Familiarity with Huffington Post.

Made Redundant: iceprincess
Crime: Taking his or her horror of bodies out on the rest of us.

Made Redundant: yellojkt
Crime: Double posting.

Made Redundant: Hot Chocolate
Crime: Pervy park behavior.

Made Redundant: swedishfish
Crime: Kicking a man when he's down.

This Week In Gawker Redundancies

abalk2 — Wed, 02 May 2007 13:46:08 EDT

So far this week, our ongoing process of "efficiency management" of commenters (our most precious natural resource! No, really!) hasn't been easy. But the great thing about Gawker commenters is that there are always at least five of you who are begging for a little downsizing. (Much like some people who work here!) Let's put our fake sad faces on and say goodbye to the week's "voluntarily" departed.

Made Redundant: Scott Kidder
Crime: Scott, just yell it across the office next time, okay? Since you work at Gawker and all?
[Edit: Hee hee hee, ho ho ho Balk. Consider your commenter username executed! -Scott]

Made Redundant: Dick_Armitage
Crime: Missing the point.

Made Redundant: Awesomist V
Crime: We just like doing this every week.

Made Redundant: Stinkypoo
Crime: Disrespecting New York.

Made Redundant: Duncan C
Crime: Demanding consistency of us. That will never happen!

This Week In Gawker Redundancies

abalk2 — Wed, 25 Apr 2007 13:29:03 EDT

Once in a great while a post here comes along that inspires so much commenter imbecility that we want to make redundant each and every person who posts a "quip" in it. Unfortunately, that's a pain for us to code, so we've just picked five people from this week's nightmare.

Our voluntary lay-offs—thanks for making yourselves available! The company appreciates it!—all come from the Jane magazine BOOBS post. We guess this is a quintuple mastectomy then! (Sorrrrry!)

Made Redundant: Barker
Crime: Blaming the victims.

Made Redundant: armacy
Crime: Blaming the perps.

Made Redundant: Mosha
Crime: Unawareness of surroundings.

Made Redundant: MediaHoHoHo
Crime: Appalling fetish.

Made Redundant: I Bent My Wookie
Crime: Understating the case.

This Week In Commenter Redundancies

abalk2 — Wed, 18 Apr 2007 13:50:49 EDT

Hey, remember when the owner of the Washington Bullets changed the team's name to the Washington Wizards? Because he suddenly realized that bullets kill and violence is bad? Given the events earlier in the week, we've come to a somewhat similar realization. (We're still arguing about it, actually. Too soon v. sensitivity v. being a jerk v. English use v. being in favor of some kinds of violence but not others, etc.) Anyway! Hence our fancy new name for commenter bans. (If it worked for America's corporations, it works for us!) Much like the transformation of Viacom employees into permalancers, no lay-off is necessarily permanent here. Still, time to turn in your final TPS reports and say your goodbyes below.

Were we so inclined, we could have chosen all of this week's banished commenters from the Name That Kreepie Kat post: There were that many stupid suggestions. Still, the idea of sorting through that list one more time was too painful, so instead we just gathered a small group of chronic annoyances from other posts. They are:

Made Redundant: shines19
Crime: Failure to appreciate Intern Stepanie's rack.

Made Redundant: Awesomist IV
Crime: Bragging about getting Alyssa Shelasky's digits.

Made Redundant: JupiterPluvius
Crime: Missing the point.

Made Redundant: citizen_shame
Crime: Refusing to accept that we whore for cookies.