• Q: How insane is alleged used vibrator criminal Casey Johnson? A: She and Tila Tequila just got "engaged." Tila—who once dated Casey ex Courtenay Semel—showed off "a 17-carat diamond ring from my baby. My baby is a billionaire! She's the heiress of Johnson and Johnson," then the pair made out for the cameras and Tila showed her boobs. Sometimes I look at pictures of these women, and they're like little girls playing dress up and making up fairy tales, and it's cute. Other times I remember that Casey has a daughter, and I feel like an accessory to a horrible crime. [P6]
• 
  
• Is Amy Winehouse back with Blake Incarcerated? They might have had a 36-hour love-in in Sheffield. But Amy's dad Mitch says it isn't true. (Which is actually evidence it might have. He's always wrong.) [ShowBizSpy] [ShowBizSpy]
• 
  
• Billy Joel and Christie Brinkley are pissed at Page Six for saying daughter Alexa Ray's alleged suicide attempt was the result of a mother-daughter tiff. Alexa's hospitalization came "while suffering a devastating heartbreak." That's right, blame it on the boyfriend. [AP]
• 
  
• Nicky Hilton's stolen computer does not—she repeats does not—have a sex tape on it. That's Paris' thing, not hers. [TMZ]
• 
  
• "I can be up and down like a yo-yo," said unstable singing homebody Susan Boyle. "I can be depressed." In an interview the Sun she describes the "psychological bullying" of her youth. To demonstrate that show biz is no different than middle school, the Sun pairs this article about SuBo's mental health struggles with an unflattering crazy lady picture. [fig.1] [Sun]
• 
  
• A mysterious bouquet of roses appeared at the Woods home last night, and they were for Tiger. [fig.2] No word on who sent them, but you'd think there'd be zillions of bouquets arriving right about now, from aspirational quasi-hookers for Tiger, and aspirational modelizers for Elin. Apparently this was the only one. [TMZ]
• 
  
• Liza Minnelli has settled a $100M lawsuit for sexually assaulting her bodyguard, proving once and for all that Whitney Houston's movie was false. The guard accused Liza of "drunkenly battered him and forced him to bed her," according to NYDN, which fails to explain how on earth Liza kept this from the press for so long. Apparently Soumayah earned $238K to protect Minnelli, and endured physical and sexual abuse to keep his job. [NYDN]
• 
  
• Jake Gyllenhaal is going to propose to Reese Witherspoon over the holidays. This sounds about right, because there was that break-up rumor a couple weeks ago, and if I have learned anything from rom coms and the Longoria-Parker romance, it's that there is always a period of disarray and heartache right before the handsome man drops to one knee and tells the lady he just can't live without her. [PopEater]
• 
  
• Lindsay Lohan's philanthropic trip to India has "over 40 children saved so far... within one day's work." The girl is a child-saving savant. [P6]
• 
  
• When LiLo gets back from India, she'll have Gucci model Adam Senn waiting for her, says the Daily News. Senn is also a restaurateur, character on The City, and possessor of savvy gossip-leaking skills, because concocting this rumor while Linds is in India means she's probably too busy to deny it. [NYDN]
• 
  
• Tom Brady ex Bridget Moynahan wishes Tom and Gisele's new baby boy "the best." She also wishes everyone would forget she dated him, because she is sick to death of having her headshots next to Gisele's in gossip columns. [fig.3] [NYDN]
• 
  

Figure 1.













Figure 2.













Figure 3.

• The White House party crashers met Barack Obama before, as part of a surreal coterie at last year's America's Polo Cup. Polo networking site PoloContacts.com shows the Salahis posing with Obama, Randy Jackson, "Black Eyed Peas Rock Band," and "rock band JOURNEY." Michaele is identified as "former Miss USA and SuperModel." According to Wikipedia, nobody named Michaele has ever won the Miss USA contest, but I like the idea of her real name being something plain and Midwestern like Wendy or Martha or Gretchen. She posed for pictures with beauty queens, too. [PoloContacts] [PoloContacts]
• 
  
• Next question: Is Michaele Salahi a compulsive liar, or is she actually delusional? On the day of the infamous State Dinner, Michaele got help from her hairstylist fixing her sari, and said she called the White House personally to ask whether her ensemble would offend the Indian delegation. Her friends asked to see the invite, but, oh my, looks like she has misplaced it, must've left it "in the limo," alas. [People]
• 
  
• On Sunday at 2:45, "a source close to" Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal told People the pair had broken up, prompting a thousand teenage screams of despair (that the golden couple had broken up) and elation (that Jake was back on the market). But then at 5:00, their reps said it wasn't true, ad a temporary rift in the teen-scream-iverse healed. [People]
• 
  
• Alleged Tiger Woods mistress Rachel Uchitel knows exactly where this mess is going, and has hired Gloria Allred, high-profile lawyer to scandal-marred female tabloid victims, from Clinton harassee Paula Jones to the family of Nicole Brown Simpson. [NYDN]
• 
  
• Jamie Foxx is on Team Jacob. At the New Moon premiere, Foxx asked werewolf portrayer Taylor Lautner to pose with him for a photograph because "my daughter is a huge fan, and I'm a huge fan." If I had to hazard a guess, that last part probably wasn't true, but it's cute that Taylor got excited. Before we turn them into leathery wizened celebubots, teen stars can be so sweet. [Gatecrasher]
• 
  
• "Tila Tequila's Energy Secret" is an infinite stream of Red Bull parceled into 20-can tables, which is part of her rider when she strips at high-end clubs. She also won't allow herself to be photographed smoking, for hers is a sterling reputation that must not be sullied. [P6]
• 
  
• Tinsley and Topper Mortimer have reinvented romance. The hedge fund baron is so in love with his ex, he'll do anything—even fake be in love! "Topper is still into Tinsley. They talk three times a day. He has even offered to show up [on her show] if she has a date in public with another man, to help ratings. They may even get back together for ratings." It is impossible to tell where the snake's mouth ends and its tail begins. [P6]
• 
  
• Padma Lakshmi is hot and she knows it, and it's not vanity because she once dated Salmon Rushdie and knows all about metaphor: "I like me better naked. I don't mean that in a vain way... Clothes are adjectives, they are indicators. When you don't have any clothes on, it's just you, raw, and you can't hide." [P6]
• 
  
• New details about Anthony Michael Hall's alleged domestic assaullt of girlfriend Diana Falzone: Police say he "pushed, shoved, and spit" and "bit his girlfriend's forehead," the latter of which is somewhat baffling. [P6]
• 
  

Images via Polo Contacts Worldwide

• Farrah Fawcett, rumored again to be on her deathbed, and Ryan O'Neal are finally getting married after all those long, tumultuous years together as a Hollywood couple. And surely this will be filmed and turned into a primetime television special. [Sun]
  
  
• Fox News anchor Kimberly Guilfoyle, the ex-wife of San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsome, and furniture designer Eric Villency are ending their brief marriage. [Page Six]
  
  
• Horrible lad-mag FHM has named Megan Fox the sexiest woman to ever live in the history of the universe, or something like that. [Sun]
  
  
• It's rumored that Paul Giamatti may replace Sean Penn in the upcoming Three Stooges flick after Penn decided to take an extended period of time off to spend time with his family. [EOnline]
  
  
• Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon go to the gym together wearing matching outfits from head to toe. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Matthew McConaughey has announced that he has knocked up girlfriend Camila Alves with their second child. Further, he did so shirtless while running on the beach with a bandana on his head. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Have you seen how Drew Barrymore and Justin Long dress up to attend baseball games? Good God this is obnoxious! [DListed]
  
  
• Paris Hilton has taken her act to Dubai and has discovered the joys of riding camels. She's there to try on some clothes or attend a nightclub opening or something important like that. [PITNB]
  
  
• When Justin Timberlake flies to Paris, he does so with a large bodyguard carrying an automatic weapon to scare off any potential autograph seekers. [TMZ]
  
  
• Miley Cyrus took a "provocative" picture with her 44 year-old director and posted it to her Twitter. [Sun]

In America, everyone just wants to be housewives. As true today as it was in 1958. As evidence, the season finale of Real Housewives of New Jersey won Tuesday night's ratings battle not just in cable, but in regular network television. OK, not in terms of sheer millions of viewers, but at least in terms of young adults. 3.48 million folks tuned in, earning the show a 6 share in 18-49ers, the highest of the night, from any show on the air at the time. Pretty remarkable. Also, pretty goddamned depressing. [Variety]

Poor, heart-faced Reese Witherspoon will soon be taking a deep dive into the horrifying annals of the pharmaceutical industry. Well, not that deep. She'll star in and produce the comedy Pharm Girl, about a wide-eyed young dreamer lady who gets beaten down, hilariously!, by the byzantine and morally corrosive machine that keeps people on unnecessary drugs for their restless legs because everyone wants money. Terrific. [THR]

Yay, we're gonna see it! We're gonna see the "stark" pre-WWI drama about a wicked boarding school directed by shock auteur Michael Haneke (the brilliant Cache, the unnecessary Funny Games)! Sony Pictures Classic has picked up American distribution rights for The White Ribbon, which recently won the Palme d'Or at the Cannes film festival. Oh, and it's in black and white. So. Popcorn flick! [Variety]

Shantel VanSanten, yes the Shantel VanSanten, has joined the cast of the CW's bizarrely successful workhorse series One Tree Hill. She'll play the sister to some other character and I'm sure there will be romantic polyhedrons and everyone who's watching at home will just wheeze and fart and take another hit of Munchos. [THR]

Oh good. The Travel Channel has picked up a reality series called The Streets of America: The Search for America's Worst Driver. It will pit a bunch of terrible drivers in a battle royale in the streets of Los Angeles. Winner kills all. It will be the highest employer on television of women and Asian people. DRIVING JOKES! [Variety]

Perhaps sensing the acrid, cotton-candyish whiff of defeat in the air, fading megastar Tom Cruise has reteamed with Jackie Joyner Abrams to produce the next Mission Impossible flick. No, he's not yet signed on to star in the flick, which would be the fourth in the franchise, so that's still cast in some doubt. Abrams is also not onboard to direct, as his threequel was a box office disappointment. Which is a shame, because it was, in strict movie-makin' terms, the best of the series. Sure MI one was fun but Brian De Palma is also kind of a hack, and we all know that John Woo's ludicrous MI 2 was an execrable failure, so really, MI 3 was the best. Hands down. You just can't beat that opening scene with Phil Hoffman (we're best friends). Anyway, the two might reboot the whole thing and do an ensemble approach, which they tried with the first one (Kristin Scott Thomas! Emilio Estevez!) until Tom Cruise got greedy and hired Jon Voight to kill everyone. [THR]

Aw, old ladies are funny. Sigourney Weaver (did you know that when she and Meryl Streep were at Yale together, Sigourney was the perpetual underdog, always overshadowed by the genius acting machine that is Meryl? It's true! And, sadly, it still sort of is) and Blythe Danner have been cast in the new Simon Pegg/Nick Frost commedia dell'arte, Paul. Flick is about two science fiction dorks who travel to Area 51 and discover a real alien. Then Sigourney busts out and screams "Get away from them, you bitch!" and kills Paul with her Exosquad suit while Blythe stands in the corner nervously reciting lines from Suddenly Last Summer. Oh, Greg Mottola is directing it, so there will probably be dick jokes as well. We're excited. No, really. We are. [Variety]

Image of Tom Cruise pretending to like basketball via Getty

1) Fast & Furious — $72.5 million
Good lord. You people really wanted to see this damn movie. It's the biggest April opening ever, the biggest ever for Universal, and the biggest ever opening for a movie about four tired old people who thought they'd have better jobs in ten years so they didn't do the first sequel but here we go, what the fuck, no one's banging down our doors, so we'll do the third sequel. So there's celebrating in Hollywood today, and somewhere some dumpy stoner in Silver Lake has just created a Word document ominously titled "Fast and Five-ious."

2) Monsters vs. Aliens — $33.5 million
Down 44% from its boffo debut last weekend, this is yet another computer animated 3D kids thing that just tramps along mercilessly, leaving destruction and Sour Patch Kid-mouth burns in its sugary wake. It's gobbled up a total of $105 million in its first two weeks of release, making it the fastest movie about Reese Witherspoon being a gigantic nuisance to reach the $100 million mark since Sweet Home Alabama came whiskey-farting out of the gate back in 1989.

3) & 4) The Haunting in Connecticut, Knowing — $9.6, $8.1 million
Two schlocky genre pictures that are holding on decently, if not terrifically. Knowing has lured in some $58 million in ticket sales in three weeks, and is proving a moderate success for fledgling schlock purveyor, Summit Entertainment. Connecticut is just further proof that people like cheaply-made ghosties, especially if they come belching out of teenage boys' mouths while creepy sepia-toned old people look on in muted delight. So what does this mean? Put Nic Cage in one of those damn horror movies and you can just start printing money. If he drives a crazy muscle car, too, just imagine.

6) Adventureland — $6 million
Though the film had mostly positive reviews, Greg Mottola's nostalgic look at youth didn't connect at the box office. It was in sixth place and earned only six million dough-lars, so maybe there's a third six out there.... Oh! It stars six people: Martin Starr, Jesse Eisenberg, Kristen Swan, Ryan Reynolds, Kristen Wiig, and Bill Hader. Six. Six. Six. Who knew a sweet movie about growing up lost and confused in the leafy but barren Pittsburgh suburbs of the 1980's could be the work of the Morning Star. Someone get Nic Cage on the case, fastly and furiously!

10) Sunshine Cleaning — $1.9 million
Chugging along with a nice $3,900 per-screen average, this little quirk fest is doing decent indie business. It probably won't become a smash and open super wide like its obvious inspiration, Little Miss Sunshine, but it might rack up a nice little bundle nonetheless. Hopefully it'll keep Emily Blunt's bright shiny star on the rise, because she's just really really good in pretty much everything.

Life & Style
Following her breakup with John Mayer, Jennifer Aniston is prepared to do the unthinkable: Become a single mom. Though the mag is not sure whether she'll conceive naturally, use artificial insemination, or adopt, Aniston obviously has babies on the brain because her new $15 million six-bedroom mansion "has more than enough room for a nursery." Next: Justin Timberlake supposedly ran into Britney's dad Jaime Spears on the golf course and told him he's nervous to ask Jessica Biel to marry him even though she's the one. Jaime told him to "put a ring on her finger," and JT said he's already got one picked out, according to an insider. By the way, Jessica and Justin's new apartment has three bedrooms, which the mag points out is "plenty of room for kids!" Kellan Lutz of Twilight explains Robert Pattinson's "hookup trick": "He lowers his head down and the girls love it!"
Grade: F (Band aid in your burger.)





Ok!
"I Will Never Remarry." The mag writes that Jennifer Aniston has "experienced a stark epiphany: No man can live up to her ex-husband, Brad Pitt." A source says that since "each time she dreams of having a devoted husband, babies, and that white picket fence, she is let down," Jen has resigned herself to a life of love affairs and single motherhood. Also, there's a two page story about how Jen has "found her soulmate" in her dog Norman. Moving on: Jaime Lynn Spears and Casey Aldridge are still living together with their baby Maddie, but an insider says JLS has called off their wedding. "Jaime Lynn has everything she wants and feels no need for a ring and a piece of paper," says the source. Also, she likes being a Southern mom and is never going back to Hollywood. Finally, in an interview OK! asks Gavin Rossdale if he and Gwen Stefani are planning to have another baby. "That would seem logical, but then again so would sleep!" says Rossdale, "But, you know the men aren't in control of that stuff."
Grade: D- (Expired hot dogs.)

Us
"He's The One!" This story is pretty much an excuse to print cute pictures of Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal, as there isn't really anything new to report on the engagement front. A Witherspoon insider says, "All of Reese's friends tell her they think he's The One." As for when Jake will pop the question, a pal says, "It's not a matter of if, but when. And when Jake asks, she will definitely say yes." Moving on: An insider says Jennifer Aniston's breakup with John Mayer wasn't mutual. "She would never have paraded him around like that if she didn't think what they had was real. She feels like he played her," says a source. Us has exclusive pictures from Natasha Bedingfield's wedding. Brandy attended the wedding, which was at the same place where Josh Duhamel and Fergie got married (but unlike their wedding, Bedingfield's wasn't fishing themed). Next: Us broke the LeAnn Rimes cheating story last week, and their follow up, "Why She Cheated," just makes it sound even more like a publicity stunt. When LeAnn and her husband Dean Sheremet were "caught" kissing by the paparazzi they were coming out of Whole Foods and had only purchased a banana and a bottle of water. A source says Eddie Cibrian "told his wife that this was a publicity stunt for the Lifetime movie." Finally, Michelle Obama "takes top honors" (if you can call it that) as Us celebrates 2009's best makeovers with 24 pages of filler.
Grade: D (Dieter's delight, a.k.a. cottage cheese on a bed of lettuce.)

In Touch
"The Breakup" Insiders say Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are constantly fighting because she's filming Salt and he's stuck taking care of the kids. "Brad gets tortured by the kids all day. They wrestle him and kick him and constantly harass him," says a source." Supposedly Salt insiders heard her saying during a phone call, "Will you please respect the fact that I am working right now? All you have to do today is watch the kids." Things are so bad Angie has banished Brad to the couch in their four bedroom suite at the Waldorf-Astoria. James Haven is staying with the family in New York and Angie has asked her brother to talk some sense into Brad. The mag dug up pictures of Angie looking uncomfortable with Brad for the requisite "maybe she's more into her brother than her husband" sidebar. (Fig. 1) In Touch asks: Has Tori Spelling taken her diet too far? Spelling's rep says she's the same size she was before giving birth, but the mag thinks her young, super-skinny 90210 co-stars "could be a bad influence." Paris Hilton's new boyfriend Doug Reinhardt says he wants to have a baby with her. "Paris would make a great mom - she's my Angel Princess," says Reinhardt. Nick Lachey and Vanessa innillo had a fight at a L.A. restaurant. Manillo stormed out right after their food was served and Lachey paid the check and had takeout boxes made up before he caught up with her outside. In Touch says plastic surgery has left Daryl Hannah "almost recognizable." Next: The mag is calling out LeAnn Rimes for probably fabricating her affair with co-star Eddie Cibrian. "It's fishy how very obvious she was about this," and insider says. In addition to the TV movie Northern Lights, Rimes has a new song and book coming out next month. "She wants to get back on the A list," says the insider. In an interview, the mag asks Matthew McConaughey if he has any regrets about past relationships now that he's married. He says, "You wouldn't be where you are if you didn't go through all the other things. It's an honor to be at an ex-girlfriend's wedding or to have them over to dinner. There's nothing goofy about that."
Grade: D+ (Week old Red Lobster doggie bag.)

Star
In a continuation of a story Star ran recently about Angelina Jolie catching Brad Pitt comforting their pretty nanny, "Don't Touch Me!" claims Angie's still mad so she's refusing to sleep with Brad. " A source says, "she knows it's torture for Brad, denying him that way. But she wants him to learn a lesson." She refuses to take a daily bath with Brad, which is apparently one of their "sexy traditions" and has banned him out of her bedroom. At least in Star's account, Brad gets his own room at the Waldorf-Astoria, instead of the couch. However, the mag says he's taken to "camping out with the kids in sleeping bags inside little tents in their rooms" at the hotel. Sean Penn and Natalie Portman were spotted making out at a hotel in Hollywood. An eyewitness claims he walked in on them making out behind some curtains on a terrace off the hotel bar. "When they saw me, they were startled and quickly composed themselves," he said. The hotel was hosting a party, and the eyewitness says once the room got crowded, Sean and Natalie took an elevator up to the private rooms and didn't come back for 45 minutes. After returning to the party, the two split up. "[Natalie] broke it off when she found out that Sean was still with his wife, Robin Wright Penn," says a source. Sean started flirting with another woman, who said "I don't do that! Your girl's upstairs, and your wife is at home. You're busy." The eyewitness says Sean chuckled and left. Moving on: Guy Ritchie is dating Elle Macpherson. A source says Owen Wilson and Kate Hudson are planning a June wedding. Blind item: "Which sweet starlet's apartment smells less than fresh? Neighbors say funny-smelling smoke surrounds her door on her days off. How's that for a bit of gossip?" In a possibly related story, Leighton Meester has asked everyone on her floor in her apartment building not to smoke because the smell comes under her door and she gets a sore throat if she's exposed. In "Starving For Attention" Star is hating on ladies for being too skinny. They suggest Gwyneth Paltrow eat a "big ol' piece of chocolate cake." (Fig. 2) A doctor who didn't treat Natasha Richardson says she probably could have been saved if she had taken her instructor's advice and let paramedics look at her head immediately. "The typical mortality rate from epidural hematoma is relatively low ... It needs to be taken care of right away," said Dr. John Knightly of the Concussion Center at Overlook Hospital in Summit, N.J. The mags all featured pictures of Richardson's grieving family at her funeral, but frankly, we couldn't handle pouring over pictures of her coffin being carried to her grave. In an exclusive, Star wonders why Jaime Lynn Spears and baby Maddie didn't accompany Casey Aldridge to Roosters Mud Jam, "a dirt-caked ATV event in Dehli, La." He and his friends were drinking heavily and there are photos of a blonde holding on to him as he drives his ATV into a muddy river. The woman, Brandin Walker, 25, is a married mother who says she was just innocently hanging out with Casey, and that her husband was at the event. Finally, in a story entitled "Jennifer is Jaime's Taco Belle" we learn that Jaime Kennedy "adores plumping [Jennifer Love Hewitt] up with yummy, calorie-packed eats!" Watch out JLH - it sound like Jaime is planning on eating you!

Grade: C (Soggy tortillas.)

Fig. 1



Fig. 2

Genius director Alexander Payne is going a bit Charlie Kaufman-esque with a film called Downsizing, about a man (Paul Giamatti) who decides to shrink himself to preserve his health. Reese Witherspoon meets cute with him along the way, and Sascha Baron Cohen plays a strange, tiny foreigner. Sounds twee. And wee! [Variety]

Keira Knightley will be starring in a movie version of Kazuo Ishiguro's sci-fi chamber piece Never Let Me Go—a scary and ponderous book—to be directed by Mark Romanek, who did scary and ponderous before, to middling effect, with One Hour Photo. Knightley, in my estimation, is actually pretty decent casting. [EW]

Arrested Development smirker Jason Bateman has just signed on to the Jason Reitman comedy Up in the Air (based on snark-defender Walter Kirn's novel), about a man (George Clooney) who is obsessed with frequent flier miles. Sounds zany!!!!! [Variety]

Young Loren Dean, who had some coulda-been-big opportunities in the 90's movies like Mumford and Gattaca, never quite made it. Ah well. He'll be starring alongside the inexplicably-made-it Hillary Swank in her exoneration pic Betty Anne Waters, currently filming in Ann Arbor. Pack a sweater, Loren. [THR]

Stars of old and relatively new will be joining the basically useless Entourage next season. Jami Gertz, who commingled with your Jason Patric vampire sex fantasies in The Lost Boys (or maybe your Bill Paxton/tornado fantasies in Twister), will play the wife of Gary Cole's sadsack agent character. And the delightful Autumn Reeser from The OC will play a junior agent at Miller/Gold. Good news for them, bad news for us that there's to be another season of all that limp bro blustering. [THR]

Ah even more sorta-forgotten actors getting brief glimmers of hope only to have most of it dashed. Still, good for you Julie Bowen, Scott Wolf, Jonathan Silverman, and Sabrina's Aunt Zelda (and Kate's mom from Lost), Beth Broderick. You'll all be heroes for at least a week. [THR]

Following in that vein, Kim Raver (Lipstick Jungle) and Alyssa Milano (Gold Rush: A Real Life Alaskan Adventure) have also landed pilot roles. Raver in Shonda Rhimes' already-annoying TV news drama Inside the Box, Milano in an "Untitled Ricky Blitt comedy" about a telemarketer. [THR]

Or, you know, as we like to call it: Joe Versus the Volcano.

The bad news? According to Slashfilm, the movie's title (assuming it does ever get made, and isn't simply consigned to Crowe's pile of bad ideas that includes a Jonathan Lipnicki-toplined Jerry Maguire 2) would be Deep Tiki. As in, if this movie comes out, the careers of all three participants would be in...no, we just can't say it. We can't say "Deep Tiki" again. Uttering its name only gives it more power.

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Reese Witherspoon says Cameron Crowe’s Next Film has Been Postponed [Collider]

• Cameron Crowe’s Deep Tiki Postponed; Iron Man 2’s Production Title [Slashfilm]

Boomp3.com

After a lunch date with a good friend, Four Christmases star Reese Witherspoon went in for a kiss since she felt the meal went well. However, Witherspoon’s companion gracefully glided Witherspoon to her cheek. The companion said, “Lunch dates get the cheek. Now, take me to Katsuya and maybe I’ll reconsider the lips.”

[Photo Credit: X17]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Cam, Cam, Cam (can we call you "Cam"?). This idea smells worse to us than Vanilla Sky, and here's why:

First of all, you're opening yet another film with a professional in disgrace? While that worked fine in Jerry Maguire, the conceptual retread wore thin quickly in Elizabethtown. Ironically, the fact that Elizabethtown bombed might have given you new insight into the sort of character who suffers career ignominy and then struggles to pick up the pieces, but we'd still recommend against using that trope a third freakin' time.

Also (and perhaps a bit more importantly), THIS IS THE MOVIE JOE VERSUS THE VOLCANO. And, in choosing to pursue a logline so outrageously similar to that Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan film, you have unwittingly awakened the sleeping giant that is Defamer's love for that movie. Cam, we have been to Hawaii. We know Hawaii. Hawaii, sir, is no Waponi Wu.

Thus, Cam, we politely ask you to take stock of your upcoming project. Does your "disgraced professional" undergo a freakout that can top this? Is he asked to become involved with a volcano sacrifice by a sparkly-eyed Lloyd Bridges? Are three of his love interests played by a pre-Restylane Meg Ryan, and is one of them a flibbertigibbet? If the answer to any of these questions is "no," perhaps it's time to shelve this project and pick back up with Singles 2: The VH1 Classic Years.

• CROWE GOES OFF DEEP END...OF VOLCANO [CHUD]

According to Chud, Crowe's new film incorporates all three of those things:

The untitled adventure comedy has Stiller starring as disgraced weapons consultant Brian Gilcrest who has to journey to Hawaii to launch an advanced spy satellite in response to an unspecified impending threat from China, but apparently something different than their next batch of preschool gymnasts.

The Islanders, of course, are all for helping out, as long as their Hawaiian gods are down. This shouldn't be a problem for Gilcrest, as long as he can make good with one little quid pro quo the gods demand: tossing a sacrifice into the erupting volcano. What's even more diabolical is that, somewhere along the way, Gilcrest runs into former flame, Traci (Witherspoon) and her family and has to deal with the one that got away as he goes on a journey of self-discovery on the island.

So yes, it is the lunaticiest idea ever. Let alone the fact that it's sorta already been made, it just doesn't sound like the grounded, relaxed stuff he's best at doing. It's the exact opposite. That said, I can't wait to see it. Yay for twee, plinky-plink retro wist-pop soundtracks!

Oh, heh! I guess this news is a bit old. Here is some more info on the disastrous project.

Is it simply that studios are too terrified to give a woman first billing over a male star, lest people then think the film to be a chick flick? After all, Vaughn's last hit was The Break-Up, the rare romantic comedy with strong male appeal, something that marketing folks might have felt was in jeopardy had costar Jennifer Aniston been first-billed. Four Christmases isn't a romcom but a flat-out comedy, but would it be perceived as the former if Vaughn was subservient to Witherspoon in the billing block?

Yes, when compared to Witherspoon, the presence of Vaughn in this film makes us more likely to see it (though still? not very likely), simply because the actor has a track record of enlivening even the most formulaic films with his improvised comic riffs. Still, we wonder just how B- and C-list you'd have to go to find a male costar whom the studio would allow Witherspoon to supplant. In an alternate Four Christmases, could the actress vault over Colin Farrell to claim first billing? Or will she have to settle for a part opposite Freddie Prinze Jr. to claim what, by rights, should be hers?

Boomp3.com

Jake Gyllenhaal’s Dog: Hey Reese, do you know when Jake is getting back?

Reese Witherspoon: Uh….What?

J.G.D.: My dad, Jake. Do you know when he’s coming home?

(Witherspoon removes one of her ear buds)

R.W.: Sorry. I couldn’t hear you there. Listening to Bob Seger.

(Jake Gyllenhaal’s Dog nods his head.)

J.G.D: Gotta love the Seger. I’m more of a Springstein fan. Anyways, I asked if you knew when my dad was getting back? I kind of miss him. A lot.

R.W.: Well, mommy misses him too.

J.G.D.: Wait…whoa..wait. You’re my mom?

R.W.: Well, I’m working on it. I don’t want to jinx myself though.

J.G.D.: So, no idea as to when he’s coming back home? Can he get e-mail out wherever he is.

R.W: Oh yeah. We do that iChat thing with the cameras all the time. He looks great. Tan and all buff. You’d be impressed.

J.G.D: So, you’ve been talking to my dad all this time? Not fair. Not fair at all.

R.W.: I didn’t know you were so concerned. You’re just usually licking yourself or sleeping, so I wasn’t sure. I will let you talk to him the next time we talk, okay?

Photo Credit: Flynet

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Jake Gyllenhaal channels his inner brute and shows off his newly buff body on the set of his latest movie, Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time, in Morocco, North Africa on Monday morning.

The 27-year-old actor, who has an entire mane of hair now, held hands with his actress girlfriend Reese Witherspoon. The couple spent the the weekend at the exclusive luxury Moroccan hotel Amanjena. Gyllenspoon grabbed lunch on Saturday at a Moroccan restaurant followed by a tour of the local sights.

Though he's no stranger to delayed films, all this schedule shuffling must be wearing on Gyllenhaal. Can't he just lay down a few takes and move on to his Namath-playing dreams before the next decade? Who's Donnie Darko gotta screw around here to get a same-year wrap-and-release?

• Jake Gyllenhaal is the Shirtless Prince of Persia [Just Jared]

Boomp3.com

A VIP host at the Venetian Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas made a quick phone call to reinstate his gym membership after hanging out with actor Ryan Phillippe poolside this weekend. The host was overheard as to have said, "I know that I canceled my membership three weeks. I know that ... Well, I just spent the last twenty minutes staring at the glistening abs of Ryan Phillippe ... He was in a bunch of movies ... Yeah, he was married to Reese Witherspoon ... Great guy, but you try standing next to him when he's not wearing a shirt ... Exactly ... Cool. Personal trainer. She's going to be hot, right? I mean, you can tell me. Okay, cool. See you tomorrow then."

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

boomp3.com

A fretful Reese Witherspoon asked the women at a Brentwood nail salon if it would be okay for her to drive home with wet nails. The Little Nicky star has had numerous manicures in the past, but seemed unsure if her nails were completely dry yet. The nail technicians assured Witherspoon that her fingernails were dry and completely safe for driving. Witherspoon looked at her manicure one more time and asked if they could run a hair dryer over them before heading she got behind the wheel.

[Photo Credit: X17]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

boomp3.com

All those of hours of practice and hard work finally paid off for Reese Witherspoon and her bulldog as they successfully struck a similar pose on their way to Fred Segal. Witherspoon was inspired by the CBS reality series Greatest American Dog and wanted to have a symbiotic relationship with the pup. Witherspoon didn't want to become a crazy dog lady, but she realized that her bulldog was just too cute to not pal around with while in Hollywood.

[Photo Credit: X17]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

• Britney Spears gave up custody of her two sons to ex-husband Kevin Federline, retaining only visitation rights. The singer had been showing signs of steady mental and physical improvement, so it seemed odd she'd give up her custody battle so readily. Meanwhile, Spears' handlers keep trying to nudge her into making some more money for them, already. Sad.
• Amy Poehler is leaving Saturday Night Live for a spinoff of the Office. I think it's safe to blame Chris Matthews. [AP]
• After admitting she was stung by Maxim magazine calling her the "unsexiest woman in the world," Sarah Jessica Parker had her trademark mole removed. Or maybe it had nothing to do with the stupid magazine thing and everything to do with the mole having to be digitally edited out of the Sex And The City movie, which would make anyone a touch self-conscious. [LA Times]
• The Who bandmates Pete Townsend and Roger Daltrey are supposed to do a $100 million tour but are already fighting over song selection and insisting on separate dressing rooms, hotels, travel arrangements and staff, because that's what cranky senior citizens do. [P6]
• Ryan Phillippe sent his brunette girlfriend, Australian actress Abbie Cornish, to get her hair dyed the same color as his blonde ex-wife, Reese Witherspoon — in the same salon. [P6]
• Pictures of British actress Dame Helen Mirren in a bikini: Surprisingly hot! [Daily Mail]
• Jennifer Aniston told Miley Cyrus she'd like to make a movie together. Cyrus gave a tentative OK, subject to Annie Leibovitz's approval. [Star]