Andrea Peyser scoffs at ESPN's Steve Phillips claiming a sex addiction just because he sexed up his young assistant. Andrea Peyser thinks sex addict treatment "Sounds like a great way to meet horny chicks." And how!

Addictions are routinely compared to deadly diseases, such as cancer, by people who'd rather drink than put down the glass, the crack pipe, or — hopefully — the condom. This is an outrage that sickens those who are truly diseased.

In the rest of her column she advises Jennifer Anniston, "Next time, try showering with a friend."; she calls the Yankess "oversexed"; she jealously mocks Maureen Dowd for wanting to bone the president; and she curses New Yorkers for being so fat, and unsexy.

There is no shame in seeking help, Andrea.

The story goes that the other Strokes, no abstainers themselves, were so concerned about Hammond's recent behavior that they urged him to check into an L.A. rehab within the past few days. Hammond's stay has reportedly delayed recording sessions in New York for the Strokes fourth album, and is said to be costing the band a small fortune. No word on whether this supposed spiral had anything to do with the demise of his relationship with British supermodel Agyness Deyn. We emailed Hammond's mouthpiece at Nasty Little Man p.r. about this nasty little rumor, and are awaiting an official response. We hope he's okay!

We all know that "exhaustion" really means that you're partying too hard (see pic above, taken on June 26 as she exited a London club at 3:30am three weeks before her commitment), but don't want to admit it. Instead, you go with the Molar Defense and try to play us as a bunch of patsies. Even Britney was upfront about going bonkers. In this case, the lie is worse than what she's trying to cover up. Here's what Mischa told Time Out New York in her first Q&A since the hospital.

I went through a terrible surgery-a wisdom tooth surgery, all four removed. It was a nightmare. I've never had surgery before-it all went wrong and I had to have a second surgery and it almost delayed shooting because it was a nightmare to me, because I couldn't deal with the thought of not getting there on time. So with the travel, and surgery and prep for the show-it was hell.

So, was it the surgery that made you look all bloated and strung out in the pictures too? We just want to get on the officially party line here. When asked if it was drugs, she said no. And if asked if her hospitalization taught her how to deal with her emotions or the chronic pain from her botched surgery she says, "Not really."

Just for this, Mischa, we're not watching you play a pill-popping model on The Beautiful Life. Ok, that's a lie, but don't insult our intelligence, OK.

Josh Hartnett, Eva Mendes, and Ben Kingsley had been attached to the project. Writer-director Jonathan Jakubowicz told Variety:

We wanted to shoot in the city of Culiacan in Sinaloa, northern Mexico, the epicenter of the drug wars, but it just wasn't possible. The world should pray for peace in Mexico.

Ah yes, prayer, that familiar habit of Hollywood. Here's another idea: Why doesn't Tinseltown try moderating its habit of snorting the entirety of Peru up its nose? Mexican gangsters would have no business smuggling drugs across the border if the demand weren't there. Mendes did a stint in rehab last year, which we claimed was research for her role as a Spanish drug lord in Queen of the South. Now that the movie's cancelled, what's her excuse?

She's headed to rehab, Page Six reports, using a cover her ex Lindsay Lohan would appreciate: Exhaustion, which Lohan used to claim crippled her on movie sets (before she was arrested for cocaine possession).

A rep for Semel tells us, "Courtenay has indeed checked into rehab . . . She's emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted.

There's no question this "exhaustion" bug has been going around; it sent Heather Locklear into an Arizona treatment facility last year, around the time Kirsten Dunst sought rehab for, uh, depression.

It's hard to tell what left Semel more tired out: Allegedly punching that security guard in Las Vegas, purportedly setting girlfriend and fellow heiress Casey Johnson's hair on fire (a charge Semel denies) or working on that reality show.

Actually, none of the above: Our money's on "trying to live for a month without access to daddy's money." Talk about exhausting.

Speaking to us in soothing tones as we submitted to candlelit massages and sipped (nonalcoholic!) "banana daiquiris," the rep insisted that Promises had done nothing wrong. "I recognize your right to use the language you want, and I understand the heart-place it was coming from," he said as our attendant, Luisa, informed us that the afternoon ashtanga yoga session would be starting in ten minutes. "But you need to recognize that your words impacted our shame-feelings, as well as our bottom line."

Or maybe it happened this way: We got a terse email from Jonathan Franks at Arlene Howard PR.

In response to a story printed this morning in Star Magazine, Promises Treatment Centers releases the following statement:

While Promises will not comment on any specific individual, Promises would like to clarify the integrity of our policy:

1) Promises is committed to keeping the identity of clients private to the best of our ability. Promises does not comments on its fees.

2) ALL client belongings are searched, as are ALL incoming packages. Rooms are subject to search at random.

3) ALL clients are treated the same and expected to follow the same set of rules with no exceptions.

Any suggestion that Promises is in any financial trouble whatsoever is patently untrue.

The suggestion that Promises would search Hollywood for a celebrity who needs rehab in an effort to garner publicity is libelous, offensive and without any basis in reality.

You hear that, America? If Tara Reid is currently secluded in Promises Malibu, fielding American Pie pitches while attempting to figure out Cooking Mama on her suite's Nintendo DS, it's because she paid full freight, not because the facility scouted around for someone to impress the Mt. Olympus housewives who've grown bored with the erstwhile Power Ranger in their group encounter sessions. Duly noted!

Previously: Promises Malibu Now Admitting D-Listers For Free With Proof Of Notoriety

The cushy Malibu compound has long been the most famous of Hollywood's high-priced rehabilitation centers, serving the likes of Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears when a detox facility is desired that won't get in the way of their clubbing. Now, though, Promises has opened its revolving doors to Hookers Ball emcee Tara Reid, and things are so dire that they were forced to bargain with her:

"Enrollment is down due to the bad economy, so in an effort to drum up publicity, they asked around Hollywood to see who wanted to stay there for free," says a source.

Promises, which costs about $1,600 a night and has treated such celebs as Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears, is giving Tara the VIP treatment. The 33-year-old gets to stay in a large room, and her incoming packages are not searched, like other guests'.

Things are bad enough when instead of serving as a last resort to those in need, Promises is scouting for personalities on their third Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew callback. In our new age of belt-tightening and personal responsibility, can Malibu rehab compounds continue to exist, or will we lose our celebrities to less splashy facilities in Montana and Arizona (where they don't even have Verizon, for God's sake)?

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Free Rehab for Tara Reid? [Star]

Upon seeing a magazine cover of Lindsay and Sam Ronson, Samuels says, "That’s the addiction to fame…I mean, I have nothing against being with a woman, but it’s the selling of the magazine cover. It’s just another thing to fill the void." What's more is that Samuels sees this behavior as above board. “He was able to go on TV and not ever cross the line when Lindsay checked into Promises. There was a total media blitz for two weeks, and you don’t get a lot of opportunities like that. He wasn’t her therapist, anyway; he’s the executive director," Samuels' assistant claims.

And Samuels is all about seizing opportunities to make cash: Wonderland is almost $60,000 a month for a single room, and of course it doens't take insurance. Unlike other famous rehabs like the Betty Ford Clinic, Wonderland patients are allowed to have cell phones and are allowed to come and go as they please. According to Fortini, "They are taken on shopping trips, and are allowed to bring their dogs. Actors are sometimes released to work on films; musicians can travel for tours."

It's basically like summer camp, except with less weed. This is rehab for the uber-wealthy exclusively, but even in this rarified environment, celebrities get special treatment. According to one Wonderland patient who was there at the same time as Hurricane Lindsay in early 2007 (before her public relapse and subsequent treatment elsewhere):

I said, ‘Well, I think some people are a little bothered that their program and their stay at Wonderland is being negatively impacted by this craziness and why rules don’t apply to her that apply to us. I mean, there is some resentment building up.’ And he said, ‘You know what, Mike, I hear you, but we have to cater our program and our treatment center to each individual to make it work for them. Because if we didn’t do that for this individual, she would have been gone on Day One.’

And who cares anyway, because, according to Samuels, himself a former addict and the son of a wealthy, politically prominent New Yorker, his plush rehab doesn't even work! "I’m not a believer that treatment centers save people’s lives," Samuels tells the New Yorker, "I think if you’ve got a really good treatment center you can go a long way toward helping a person, but at the end of the day it’s not about the treatment center. It’s about the individual, and about whether or not they’re at that place to change.”

Of course, it's true of all treatments that the individual has to want to make a change for the rehab to be successful. But, as Dr. Drew told Fortini, "The more you cater to an addict’s demands, the more you support their disease." How is a celebrity going to learn that their behavior has consequences when they're treated like deities, even in rehab?

Special Treatment [New Yorker]

In the following video, the actor describes his ongoing struggles with Bolivian marching powder, reaching near Marcia Brady-levels of desperation and interspecies-sexual-favor-trading in order to get his hands on the stimulant. When time comes for check-in, rehab tech Shelly finds an agitated and uncooperative Busey unwilling to part with essentials like mouthwash, mobile phones, and large bags of weed, while minutes later a concerned Dr. Drew listens compassionately as a broken Busey relays the time he snorted blow off his own dog's back. Helluvuh drug.

• Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew [VH1]

Berlin's most beloved singer went into rehab after that, but it didn't stick.

"'I called the clinic and discovered he had checked out. I knew I had to go to him. I chartered a private plane and flew from LA to Palm Springs.’ Pamela learned that David had been taken to a local hospital, but didn’t know which one. ‘I got into a taxi and went to every hospital until I found him.’

"She discovered later that he’d drunk the entire contents of the minibar and had been found by a maid, semi-conscious and half-naked on the floor. The police had been called. This sordid episode, like so many before, was covered up by Pamela and a team of minders."

And, says Bach, don't buy it if the Hoff seems to have gotten his act together lately: "To the woman who recently divorced him... Hasselhoff’s image as a self-aware, post-modern celebrity is a sham. ‘David is a falling-down drunk and I covered up for him for years. Alcoholism destroys you whether you are a regular Joe or the biggest star on the planet.’"

Dayum, lady. Get a blog! [Daily Mail]

Though she’s only been out of rehab for a year, insiders are claiming that “Lindsay's been drinking, doing cocaine and causing all-around mayhem for the past few months…. She quit going to Alcoholics Anonymous and has absolutely never taken recovery seriously. She's gotten progressively worse, and everyone in her life is really scared." Even worse, she showed up at the VMA’s with red scratches all over her arm, leading people to fear she’s started cutting herself again. If you’ll recall, the last time she did that was back in 2006 when she claimed she’d hit “rock bottom.”

Of course, Lindsay’s MySpace blog tells a different story. In an entry dated September 19th, the starlet writes (without using capital letters, just like e.e. cummings):

“my publicist emailed me today saying that star magazine is going to publish another ridiculous story about me- then again it’s not like their track record is up there with the new york times. if anything they printed was true, i’d be married, pregnant with mark ronson’s child and hanging with my sister and her ‘fake’ boobs all this while being dead due to an overdose… wow! according to them i am one busy girl, even more so i am one busy dead girl!!!!"

Hmm. So who are we to believe here, Lindsay herself or a tabloid magazine? At this point, it’s hard to say. Whatever the case, I’m just glad Lindsay has such a supportive family environment to fall back on in times of trouble. Oh wait…

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

• Lindsay Lohan Relapse:Booze, Coke & Cutting [Star Magazine]
• have a good weekend!!! [MySpace]

At 10:00 AM, officers responded to Terminal 4, where Phillips was being screened by TSA. During the screening process, some baggies and balloons believed to contain heroin and cocaine were recovered.

Obviously, this marks a significant backwards step in Phillips's recovery. It now remains to be seen if her first public statement on that matter will demand privacy at this difficult time, or instead go the Tatum O'Neal route, blaming everything from a dead dog to background research, before eventually lavishing praise on the compassionate TSA workers who saved her from a serious and impending relapse.

• Mackenzie Phillips Busted [TMZ]

Artie Lange, who's long overindulged with drugs and drink, was scheduled to attend close pal Bob Saget's Comedy Central roast on Sunday night, but never made it to LA. Instead, he checked himself into an intensive outpatient rehab program. A source said Lange "felt awful for not being there for Bob, but needed to make his health a priority."

...Meanwhile, teen star Shia LaBeouf may also be headed to rehab. LaBeouf broke his hand in a car accident last week and while it was not his fault, he was charged with DUI, his second arrest since November. Rehab can lead to reduced charges. "Judges like to see it," said a source. His rep would only say, "Right now, we're focusing on Shia's hand."

Fortunately for Shia's rep, there's a little less to focus on now. Still, allow us to express our best wishes to Lange in rehab — in fact, he probably dodged a bullet by entering when he did. It can't have been an easy decision to miss the Bob Saget roast, but after watching this clip of Cloris Leachman coming onto John Stamos, we're about to seek mental help ourselves.

• REHAB FOR STERN SIDEKICK [Page Six]

• WHAT HAPPENS WHEN JUNKETS GO BAD… [Hollywood Outbreak]

1) The “Collapse” That Wasn’t: First of all, who hasn’t tripped once or twice when leaving a bar? Secondly, when someone like little MK leaves a bar, she doesn’t find herself in some empty vacant parking lot — she’s surrounded by handlers, paparazzi towering something like twelve feet above her head, and maneuvering her way to a ride involves all kinds of obstacles, from curbs uneasily managed while wearing four-inch heels to flashbulbs making it nearly impossible to see where the hell she’s going. Stumbling (kind of gracefully) briefly during a clusterfuck like that does not a “collapse” make.

2) The Mythical Heath/Mary-Kate Romance Remains Purely...Mythical: We won’t point any fingers (since pointing one of those fingers at ourselves just isn’t fun), but more than a few gossips and reporters launched a baseless theory immediately following Ledger’s tragic death, that he and Olsen had been dating at the time. A few scattered clues, including his masseuse’s decision to call MK before the police, the possibility that Olsen owned the apartment Ledger had been renting, and her total silence post-tragedy, sort of suggested a possible romance. But for Star to affirmatively call the deceased Joker Mary-Kate’s “lover” is off the mark. Even if the two were in some way together, Olsen’s so-called grief arrives at an odd time; Ledger’s legend may include an Oscar come next winter, and MK is finally hitting her acting stride.

3) If Any Olsen Is Suffering Twin Envy, It’s Ashley: More than a few stories have popped up lately regarding the growing friction between Mary-Kate, who’s all but abandoned her Dualstar responsibilities for trapeeze lessons in China, and Ashley, who has so far kept up appearances as an active co-president. But everyone knows these girls have had stars in their eyes since ruining television before they could even speak. We don’t care how vehemently Ashley defends her working girl persona; need we remind her of a little role on her horizon in which she’ll partner with an ensemble cast to successfully destroy yet another Bret Easton Ellis novel by just not getting it on-screen?

[Photo credits: X17]

• BACK TO REHAB FOR MARY-KATE OLSEN? [Star]

Graduated With Honors: It may have taken them two or twelve attempts, but so far Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears and Keith Urban appear to be holding steady after their most recent rehab stints. After promptly driving while wearing cokepants two weeks post-Promises last summer, Lindsay's stay at the trendy Le Cirque led her into the loving lesbian arms of Sam Ronson, the nipple-baring cover of NY Magazine, and out of the vapid Living Lohan spotlight. Britney Spears struck out at three different centers early last year only to wind up spending most of her winter strapped to gurneys, but ever since being treated for “bipolar disorder” at UCLA, the comeback queen has gone an entire three months without dropping a single baby or exchanging fishnets with a single bimbo. As for soon-to-be-dad and onesie expert Keith Urban, the former freebaser’s stay in an unknown center months after marrying Nicole Kidman has proven successful so far, though he is approaching his one-year anniversary since Rehab Stay Number 1. But surely the arrival of a bundle of batface joy will keep him on the straight and narrow.

Wild Cards: First-timers Eva Mendes and Kirsten Dunst both tried to mend their respective drug, booze, depression, and “method acting” vices at Le Cirque this year, but only time will tell if Eva’s so-called research will show its Oscar-worthy face on-screen. As for Dunst, AA classes haven’t stopped the onslaught of gossip claiming the shaky star is still wobbling her way around New York and perfecting her drunk faces of yore. And then there’s our favorite alcohol-snorting songstress Amy Winehouse, who’s tried out so many rehab centers we stopped counting long ago. Sometimes sane on the stage, sometimes making out with Pete Doherty, we can’t even look away from her ever-growing beehive long enough to ponder her chances of success.

Newest Students: Last month Steven Tyler checked in to Las Encinas, suggesting even the glamorous druggie rocker crowd hasn’t entirely cleaned up its act despite Mick Jagger’s immortal hips and Keith Richards’ indestructible face, but spending only three weeks in the slammer and blaming the stay on “foot pain” lead us to believe Tyler’s ongoing love affair with rehab centers isn’t quite over yet. Which leads us to Heather and Shawn. As Us reports, Locklear’s mysterious March evening of 911 calls and denials wasn’t as innocent as her rep claimed at the time. Denise Richards’ personal doormat is said to be dealing with “anxiety and depression” at an in-patient facility, while Larry King’s latest trophy of ten years is allegedly headed to rehab for munching on Generation Rx’s candy of choice: painkillers.

[Photo credits: Splash]

• TOO MUCH PAIN [NY Post]
• HEATHER LOCKLEAR IN REHAB FOR ANXIETY, DEPRESSION [Us]

People, it goes without saying, is a top-tier publication with tens of millions of dollars to spend on the world's most highly anticipated, Rapture-hastening celebrity birth-exclusives. So if you're left wondering how Sweetin, whose last IMDb credit came over two years ago as the voice of "He's so gross Penguin" in TV dad Bob Saget's aquatic-fowl parody Farce of the Penguins, managed to parlay a crank habit into some blue-chip glossy coverage, you're not alone. Still, when you account for the looming deadlines of a slow celebrity-news week, the titillating possibilities of bold, five-word cover line reading, "FROM METH ADDICT TO MOM," start to come into crisp focus—to say nothing of setting the stage nicely for its follow-up report, "FROM METH ADDICT TO MOM BACK TO METH ADDICT TO BORN AGAIN CHRISTIAN TO FOOD NETWORK STAR: JODIE SWEETIN'S INCREDIBLE JOURNEY OF FAITH."

• Jodie Sweetin: From Meth Addict to New Mom [People]

We address chemical dependency issues. We’re not at all a purely psychiatric facility like Bridges To Recovery, and each patient must undergo a detox for their chemical dependency, whether they’re coming off benzos, you know, cocktails in a pill, or harder substances. We do treat underlying issues, but if someone is suffering solely from chronic depression, we’re not the place to go.

As much as we hate delivering bad news (really!), it looks as though Dunst is simply pulling a Mendes by chalking up whatever uppers, downers and brand of Grandpa's Lemonade she'd been overdoing to a much more pleasant-sounding "problem." Not to mention her continuous public appearances in New York this month looking "wobbly" and generally lushing it up all over town. We wish her a speedy recovery but, as Goldenfiddle reminds us, "The first step is admitting you have a problem."

• KIRSTEN DUNST BATTLES DEPRESSION, NOT DRUGS AND ALCOHOL [E!]
• KIRSTEN DUNST 'WOBBLES' BUT SHE DOESN'T FALL DOWN [NYDN]
• The First Step Is Admitting You Have A Problem [Goldenfiddle]