The National Healthy Marriage Resource Center, a "clearinghouse" spawn of the Department of Health and Human Services, earlier this year launched the Twoofus.org, a multimedia campaign it hopes will spark "a national conversation about marriage among 18-30 year-olds" and "increase confidence that marriage is a viable option." Sounds sexy.

So, how can you survive the "daunting" dating game and tie yourself down? Here are some things to remember...

Look at this scientific evidence: A census, by our broke government. What did they find? Declining property values, increasing divorces, more people living in smaller spaces, immigration's slowing, less health insurance, blah blah blah.

Typical! Any jerk could have just surmised these things without going to the trouble of doing a census, which probably cost lots of money we don't have, btw. Oh look, "The search for employment is forcing more couples into long-distance relationships." Big surprise! Tell me something else I already know! Glad I took the time to skim professional newspaper websites while drinking Diet Mountain Dew so I could learn this amazing information! Rather than just already knowing it by common sense, which I did!

Maybe the media can find a fairy tale-level morality play about rich and poor people to write about? Ah yes: In China the rich kids ride around in their fancy cars running over the poor kids and they don't give a whit until the poor kids have had just about enough and the whole is ready to explode, like, I don't know, let's say a powder keg.

Boy yea we never heard of that one before, except on like Saturday morning cartoons, forever. An even older story: the recession-inspired descent into alcoholic despair. "Stephen Valand, 23, and Erica Shea, 25, quit their jobs earlier this year to start the Brooklyn Brew Shop, which makes gallon beer-brewing kits sized for New York City apartments." You're too young to be beer-soaked winos, Brooklyn creative underclass. Give it another five years at least.

[I'm just kidding I love these recession stories, that's how I write this column! Are you kidding me? Keep up the great work! Pic via.]

Jon and Kate say they're "separating!" They never mentioned the word "divorce." So does that mean there's hope? Oh, who are we kidding—As if we care!

You all do know what this means, right? TLC will create a Jon and Kate Plus 8 spinoff, so they'll each have their own shows, which will run back to back on the same night. Are you ready for Kate Plus 8 and Jon Plus 8? That's how you maximize advertising baby! And America will certainly slurp it all up, every last drop.

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.

In China every family only wants to have boy children, thanks to communism, and now there are 32 million more marriage-aged men than there are women! So guys pay these outrageous "bride prices" of thousands of dollars to land a lady, and some enterprising ladies have learned to go "yoink!" The Chinese term for "Gold digger" is "Runaway bride."

Meanwhile in Nevada, USA, brothels are battling their slowing business by adding more male prostitutes. These guys would charge $250 an hour!

Clearly Chinese men need to earn money being male prostitutes for unmarried ladies, then pay the ladies that money as a bride price, then the ladies run away to hire more male prostitutes, and the cycle continues happily.
[WSJ, LAT]

Just as in relationships, when a significant other's dog empties itself on your carpet, you've broken a threshold, a deed that will never be undone. And we imagine Julia Allison's cupcake-eating dog, Lilly, has shit on a lot of carpets.

This probably happened to Vimeo founder and retreated-fameball Jakob Lodwick shortly before he was ousted from the company.

We've all heard about the troubles of Facebook lately (Spam! Departures!, Gadfly speculation on the non-monetizable nature of the company!) since her and Randi Zuckerberg became besties and started smoking in the bathroom and whatnot.

This probably didn't happen to social-network-as-video-game OMGPOP founder Charles Forman, because we haven't heard anything about that company other than people pouring money into it sometime both before and after the couple broke up (Forman more or less claimed tinnitus, not dogshitting, as the breaking point).

But Tumblr founder David Karp, while never in a relationship with Allison, has, at the least, always been cozy with her. From deep inside the Tumblr headquarters, proof that this thing has reached a breaking point: The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.

Yeah: that's Allison, cleaning up Lilly's satanic curse from the floor of the Tumblr offices. Allison has referred to Lilly as a business partner; we don't doubt the dog's cunning skill in strategic shittery as a mark of both territory and omen. Open memo to David Karp and the rest of Tumblr: fumigate the place. Smudge it with sage. Rain dance the hell out of it. And Dennis Crowley of iPhone social networking app Foursquare: put that thing down NOW.

You see the couple was rumored to be divorcing last month by Page Six, but now that Tinz (who's big in Japan) has been spotted cutting a rug or two at the Frick Gala with her hedge funder (sorta) husband, it must mean everything's rosy again, right? We contacted Ms. Mortimer, as we often do, and got a statement from her:

When I heard the news that I had been dancing with Topper I felt funny and I felt happy and I also felt a little sad, because sometimes good things don't last, they just frip! frip! frip! fripper away into the wind, like dandelions or one of Guadalupe's wigs that one time in the Hampytons. But I did have fun last night in my yellow dress and Topper's hands were big and meaty and sweaty and he pulled me close to him and he said "Oh Tinsjelica, I have missed you so much" in his growly dog voice and it was the best day I'd had all week. Well, since Tuesday when I found some pennies at the bottom of the washing machine when Guadalupe was showing me how to use it. See, Guadalupe told me she'd show me how to do all her poorlady jobs like sweeping and eating beans and having lots of babies that wear dirty old corduroys just in case the recessional comes for me and eats all my jewels and clothes. Right now I am wearing a bandanna and am inside the refrigerator because it needed cleaning. Tell Topper I miss him and that I will meet him at the top of the Empire State Bridge if he still loves me. He knows it's my favorite place because if you go there on a cloudy day and look out—I mean really look out—on a cloudy day, you can see forever.

Obviously, that's not actually a quote from Tinsley. Image via Getty.

From ETOnline:

"…Relationships are tough. Then you add fame and money on top of that. Then people and tabloids and gossip and blogs — put all of that stuff on top — it's tough," Tyler tells Essence magazine.

To avoid confusion: The Mrs. Right Tyler is searching for is not Yolanda Right, an Atlanta mother-of-two with whom the Family That Preys star mistakenly swapped sack-dresses at the dry cleaners, but rather an actual woman with whom he can settle down and start a family.

• Tyler Perry on Finding Mrs. Right [ET Online]

Cremaster Cycle art-hack-genius-guy Matthew Barney has been dating the determinedly eccentric Icelandic songstress Bjork since 2001, and they certainly seemed like a wonderful couple, what with their both being wacky and obsessed with the beauty of the grotesque (and vice versa). Also they're pretty people. And they have a baby! Little Isadora was born in 2002, and she'll probably grow up to be an accountant or something, right? (If there is any money left when she grows up!)

Anyway, as you can see, Barney is listed as single, now, on his Facebook page, and it is his real Facebook page, according to some guy, who sent it to us. (Though you can't be too careful these days, on this Internet.) It's a sad day for everyone, besides people wishing to hook up with Matthew Barney or Bjork.

Beyond joining Madonna for regular Kabbalah studies, working "to enrich his wife's emotional [...] well-being," and agreeing to resolve conflicts with the easy-to-remember surrender edict, "I understand that my actions have upset you, please work with me to resolve this," Ritchie is said to have faced even more formidable terms in the bedroom:

The marriage rules said both parties must “devote time to our sexual expressiveness” and “not use sex as a stick to beat one another."

Sources said Madonna pinned the contract up in their New York home after they saw marriage counselors two years ago, and would say to her husband, “Contract, Guy, contract” if he broke the rules.

To each their own, of course, but "Contract, Guy, contract"? Worst. Safe word. Ever.

• http://www.link.com">Marriage 'contract' controlled Guy's life [The Sun]

Boomp3.com

At the Washington DC premiere of The Secret Life Of Bees, a young male fan took a major step forward in his relationship with actress Dakota Fanning. After taking the photo, Billy Walsh asked Fanning if she would be okay with him changing his relationship status on his Facebook profile. Fanning said she wouldn’t mind, but didn’t understand why Walsh would seek her approval. Walsh took a deep breath and explained that Fanning and him have been internet dating for quite some time now and would like to their relationship to the next level. Walsh said, “I’m just started the seventh grade. It’s high time that I settle down with a good girl. A girl like you, Dakota. I can’t be spend all of my junior high years running wild with my bro dawgs looking for a cheap thrills at Stevie Gordon’s pool party. I need to settle down with somebody like you. So, would you mind if it says on Facebook, that ... we’re ... you know ... together?”

Fanning was unsure of how to answer Walsh’s question and wanted to think about it overnight. A feeling of dejection swept over Walsh’s young face. He was about to say something when Fanning interrupted him and said, “It’s not a no, but why ruin a good thing by putting a label on it?”

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

The two broke up. Then Martinez allegedly emailed Mullens over and over and over, moaning about his lost love and his bad mental state, and promising to stop contacting her (which she told him to do). But it just kept on, and got worse:

Soon Mullens started receiving emails from a mysterious (fake) "Hugh Frederick":

Martinez eventually acknowledged that he was Hugh Frederick. But his unwanted emails to Mullen got even more disturbing:

Here's a PDF of the entire complaint. If it's at all accurate, Martinez should probably 1. Stop that, and 2. Seek help.

[THR]

Because the media is in the tank for Obama. They love him! They cover him all day and all night and ignore McCain. But! The Obama campaign is totally, ridiculously press unfriendly. They're tight with information and generally try to control the message as much as Bush's people did. That's right, in his dealings with the press, Obama resembles President Bush! Some of the Obama faithful see this as a good thing. The media is the enemy. They distort and lie! No one trusts or likes anyone anymore, at all.

So McCain is buddy-buddy with all his reporters but is now waging inept war on the media for ignoring him. Obama's beloved by the television people but is pissing off Adam Nagourney.

So basically you can bitch about how the media keep painting McCain as a independent lovable American MAVERICK and they all play down his gaffes because they like him, or you can complain that the media are not even bothering to hide their gross man-crush on Barack Obama while ignoring his opponent and both are absolutely correct.

So have at it, guys! R.I.P. observable reality!

The Slate-y marriage of David Plotz and Hanna Rosin is doing fine, despite this and Emily Yoffe's marriage has been great for 14 years. To sum up, some well-off white ladies hate their husbands and some never even fight with their husbands ever. Doesn't it seem like dudes never write about their wives anymore? That's probably for the best, because back when they did Norman Mailer was stabbing them.

He's waiting.

Hello Magazine is reporting that Tom Cruise was plum out of ideas for what to get recently drifting BFF David Beckham for his birthday. So instead of a fruit basket or a lifetime supply of Tom Cruise Purple, the Hubbard-loving Clear decided to treat both Posh and Becks to a private weekend getaway at one of Cruise’s favorite romantic spots in Napa Valley: his very own home!

”They wanted [Posh] and David to make use of their property [and] insisted that it should be just the two of them and that they should thoroughly spoil themselves.”

But after hearing more details on just how Tom planned this so-called “private” getaway, we’re worried the Beckhams are about to be abducted by a Xenuphobic SWAT team...

It's true that TomKat's birthday surprise might very well be an innocent gift, or a way of saying "We've never had sex in this place, but someone should!" But as the story's source continues, "Tom even booked his jet for them and told them they had to be at a private airfield at a specific time so work commitments couldn't get in the way." Let's see: Tom's private jet, taking off from a private airfield at a time designated by Cruise. Is no one else getting the creepy feeling this "vacation" is Cruise's sole tactic remaining in Scientology's official bag of conversion tricks? We'd like to request the assistance of British feds in setting up spies at both the Freelands dock and Gold Base stat.

[Photo credit: Socialite's Life]

• TOM CRUISE GIVES THE BECKHAMS A BIRTHDAY SURPRISE [Starpulse]

Less than a fortnight ago Mrs Grinhaff, 42, updated her profile on the social networking site, Facebook, telling friends she was "currently splitting" from her husband.

She added: "Been married for 16 years but together for 26!!!! God that makes me sound old."

Some neighbors told the Daily Mail that she was having an affair, but who knows. The one sure thing is that, if she wrote that message on her Facebook page, her husband was sure to find it. Here's her complete list of friends:

[via Daily Mail UK]