• Scientology flack Creepy McReminds-Me-Of-Tom-Cruise (real name Tommy Davis) walked out on Martin Bashir on Nightline, saying he wouldn't discuss "disgusting perversions" of his faith. Or, if you notice, deny said "disgusting perversions" about Xenu and volcanoes (because they're probably true.) Page Six reports that he then came back to the ABC studio 45 minutes before the show was set to air and tried to get it canned. Security guards and staffers, probably ridden with thetans, told him he couldn't speak to Bashir or the executive producer and that the show would run unchanged. This made Davis sad. As senior church members probably aren't allowed to savagely beat junior minions any more, we can only guess how he dealt with this crimp in his Sunday evening. [Page Six]
  
  
• Brooke Hundley, the 22-year-old ESPN production assistant who Steve Phillips was fired for sleeping with, has also been hefted out of the network. Perhaps not surprising considering she went 431 kinds of crazy after she got dumped by Phillips, and blew the whole thing. Most importantly though, the Post has a new insult-to-injury description of the pudgy paramour: "schlubby seductress." [New York Post]
  
  
• The stalker Justin Timberlake had to restraining-order last week apparently has eclectic taste in music. And by music I mean musicians. TMZ points out that Karen Jane McNeil also had a restraining order filed against her by Lars Ulrich of Metallica back in March. She's not allowed within 150 yards of the band, their families and the people who run the fan club (the last one just makes me sad at the caliber of modern stalkers). She's also banned from going near Axl Rose. Kenny Loggins, watch your back! [TMZ]
  
  
• Diane Von Furstenburg got mugged in Madrid while in town to pick up an award. "I just got robbed in the street in front of the Thyssen museum . . . My wallet, cash and all my credit cards!!" Tweeted DVF. Before adding "I am totally fine!! I hope it the worst thing that will happen to me. Getting a big prize tomorrow so going to sleep now." [Page Six]
  
  
• Ah, Phil Spector. You just can't stop underlining the kind of charming eccentricities that landed you in jail for murder. He once sent his friend, celebrity lawyer Marvin Mitchelson his romantic version of how a pre-nup should read: "1. If I like it, it's mine. 2. If it's in my hands, it's mine. 3. If I can take it from you, it's mine. 4. If I had it a week ago, it's mine. 5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way. 6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine. 7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine. 8. If I think it's fine, it's mine. 9. If it is near me, it's mine. 10. If it's broccoli, it's yours." [Page Six]
  
  
• Talking of potential pre-nups: Renee Zellweger plans to spend the holidays in Philadelphia with the family of her boyfriend Bradley Cooper. "Renee and Bradley are crazy about each other," says 'a source'. Come on source, come up with a more original line than that. How about "Renee and Bradley fucking loathe each other but are desperately insecure and always have to be dating someone else famous"? Whether it's true or not it beats the same old "this definitely solidifies how serious they are" and "they're really trying to keep this under the radar," crap we get every time Mr. or Mrs. Source-Close-To picks up the phone on this kind of story. [NYDN]
  
  
• Ivanka Trump will stay kosher for Jared Kushner. Also, the swag bags at their wedding featured flip-flops with the tag "Ivanka and Jared - what a pair" on them. Which goes to prove that swag at every event, even the joining of extraordinarily rich families, now sucks. [Cindy Adams]
  
  
• A-Rod and Kate Hudson celebrated the Yankees' win by going to Serafina on the Upper East Side. A few tables away was Hideki Matsui, also celebrating. For some reason the civilized nature of these celebrations upsets me. [Page Six]
  
  
• Teen Vogue are working on a new reality TV show because they miss having Lauren Conrad and Whitney Port around the place, apparently. [Page Six]
  
  
• Ricky Gervais will present the Golden Globes. And has a "free rein," which seems to predict at least one or two awkward moments. [Sky News]
  
  

• So Lindsay Lohan and Donatella Versace showed up with the same hair, messed up pout, and similar outfits at last night's Met International Ball. This is causing a huge media frenzy because, well, no one thinks anyone should look like Donatella. Basically, no one has anything to say but, "Ew, gross." [NYDN, NY Post]
• The first photos of Nicole Richie's little bundle of joy, Sparrow, are out. Yes, it's a boy. Yes, that's his name.
• [People]
• James Gandolfini thinks Elaine Stritch is in love with him. The he calls Alec Baldwin fat. Pots and kettles, people. [P6]
• Hulk Hogan thought about killing himself after his wife left him. That's sadder than the cancellation of American Gladiators. [NYDN]
• Katie Holmes and Renee Zellweger could barely contain themselves to meet Julie Andrews. Katie was excited because she says "we have Mary Poppins and Sound of Music playing in our house a lot right now." We always knew Tom was a show queen! [UK Mirror]
• Kate Gosselin has no clue why her brood is acting out. We're sure it has nothing to do with her divorce, the cameras in their faces being taken away, their father wearing too much Ed Hardy, or her horrible hair. Can't be that. [NYDN]
• John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston are reigniting their on-again-off-again. We kind of find this to be like when mom calls on the phone and tells you boring news about a cousin you never see. [E Online]

[Image via Getty]

Ok!
"How I Lost 41 Lbs Without Surgery!"
As you may know — because The View has been covering it extensively — Sherri Shepherd was on a diet and fitness plan. The only way that this story is different from the usual celebrity diet story is there's a picture with tuna on a salad as a lunch suggestion, instead of chicken. Also, Sherri doesn't want to get a breast reduction, because those are the boobs God gave her. Moving on: Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart cuddled at a Kings Of Leon concert and — "while the band played 'Sex On Fire' — sucked serious face." Lindsay Lohan was being considered for a movie version of the novel Undiscovered Gyrl, but the author says that LL's fame and baggage would work against her. The book is about a teen blogging about her sexual coming-of-age, and Miley Cyrus is interested, but the author thinks Miley is too wholesome. Lastly: "Jen Tells Renée: You Can Have Bradley." Jennifer Aniston and Bradley Cooper were both seeing other people when they went on their date; Jen is bored the whole thing and is fine with Bradley dating Renée. "She's less interested in Renée than in why she'd choose a guy who'd be interested in someone like Renée. She's disappointed in herself more than anything…"
Grade: F (mystery meat with freezer burn)

Star
"Celebs Who Beat Cellulite!" BREAKING: Cellulite happens. And it's fun for some mags to ignore the big picture and just pick apart a woman's anatomy! Still our LEAST favorite kind of cover story, and we've bared our dimpled asses for the world to see! Uma Thurman had "lymphatic drainage massage." Britney Spears ate turkey burgers and worked out. Jennifer Love Hewitt started working out four to five times a week. Jennifer Lopez and Victoria Beckham increased their workout frequencies; Amanda Bynes no longer eats pizza at midnight. And so forth. Then there is the section called "Cellu-Losers," with the subhead "Don't Give Up, Girls!" where the magazine had to try really really hard to find cellulite on Tara Reid, Kristin Cavallari and Annalynne McCord. There are no men in this eight-page extravaganza, by the by. Moving on: Jamie-Lynn Spears and Gwyneth Paltrow were both spotted not wearing marriage/engagement rings. Report them to the relationship cops! Lookee: High school yearbook photos (Fig. 1). Blind item! "Which comedian's not-so-funny sexual comments caused his costar to walk off the set of their upcoming film? The crew found it hysterical, but the target had to be begged to come back." Justin Ross Lee, the "Facebook celebrity" who photographed Ashley Olsen while she was on a plane, recently shared a five-hour flight from LA to NYC with Brad Pitt, and snapped pix of the actor sleeping and eating, then sold them to Star. Kourtney Kardashian's family wants her to dump baby daddy Scott Disick, who has cheated on her in the past. They broke off their engagement because he wouldn't stop flirting with other women. KK thinks the pregnancy is great for raising her profile and wants to open a children's clothing store in L.A. and design a maternity line. Re: Kate Gosselin and the cops: Apparently Cara And Mady saw Jon Gosselin getting touchy-feely with the babysitter, Stephanie Santoro, and freaked out and called their mom. A source says that Stephanie is the one who called the cops. The mag includes an interview with Stephanie's former boyfriend, who says she has a thing for married men and got pregnant by a guy she was working for. Lastly: An inspired Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart headline: "Total Eclipse Of The Heart."
Grade: D- (frozen peas)

In Touch:
"The Fight To End All Fights."
Trouble in paradise for Tom and Katie! Tom Cruise went to visit Katie Holmes while she was filming in Australia. First they argued because he stopped to greet fans on his way to see her; she flipped out and he stormed off the set. The next fight was at their hotel, where Tom was watching Suri and she wanted to watch cartoons instead of going for a walk with him. He thinks Katie is spoiling Suri because she works long hours and by the time she comes home, she's tired and just lets Suri do whatever she wants. Dr. Gilda Carle, who does not treat Tom or Katie, says: Suri is learning that relationships between men and women involve squabbling. And that Katie was "lost in lust" during the courtship, but now they're both surprised/disappointed by one another's behavior. And! Tom and Katie need therapy. Moving on: Britney is "once again displaying dangerous mood swings" since she had a "crazed" 15-minute shopping spree where her eyes were "glassy." Why is Brad Pitt drinking so much? He was smashed at the premiere of The Time Traveler's Wife, which he produced. Angelina refused to go to the premiere because Brad bought it as a vehicle for himself and then-wife Jennifer Aniston, and Jen called to wish him luck before the premiere, which made Angie "hit the roof." An insider says Brad is having a "sort of mid life crisis" since he joked recently, "I'm just a drunk." Next: "Have These Stars Had Boob Jobs?" is a closer look at the chests of Jennifer Aniston, Anna Faris, Drew Barrymore, Brooke Hogan, Leona Lewis, Haylie Duff and Ciara.
Grade: D (half-melted Creamsicles)

Us
"Why He Chose Renée"
So. Bradley Cooper and Renée Zellweger: "It's on," says a source. This article was written by someone on Team Renée, because it is very derogatory towards Jennifer Aniston. A source says Jen feels "rejected and upset" and "screwed over" and "doesn't see what Renée has that she doesn't." But! Another source points out that guys like Renée because she is "so no-drama," "she just does her thing, has her life, and is cool." Also: "She's really happy, she doesn't need anyone to feel complete. She isn't absorbed by Hollywood." Whereas Jennifer "won't date a normal guy. She goes after the hottest thing of the moment - -what she knows will get her the most time in the spotlight." And! Bradley Cooper once said, when it comes to a woman: "I'd say authenticity is the only prerequisite." Apparently Jennifer Aniston is "not natural" and everything she does "is an act." Renée is "super fun" and is always "laughing and optimistic about life." And! "People want to be with her because she makes them happy." Moving along: Michelle Trachtenberg and Jason Segel: Spotted "all over each other." Kate Gosselin was at a hotel with her bodyguard and they signed in as "The Michaels." So the speculation is that there's something going on there and she's been hiding it. Also, Jon thinks she's less than truthful about finances.
Grade: D+ (Fla-Vor-Ice)

Life & Style
"He's A Dirtbag." In an interview, Kate Major says that she and Jon Gosselin had three sexual encounters. "He was a great kisser, " she says. "It was amazing…" At some point they kissed in a car and Jon asked her what she thought it would be like if they slept together. She says: "We kissed, we hugged, we held hands, he'd hold me when we were asleep. I have nothing bad to say about him intimacy-wise. But I will say he likes to play." Then on July 29 he dumped her and said he was going to stay with Hailey Glassman. Kate says: "He totally screwed me over and acted like a dirtbag." And! "Looking back now it was all pretty much sexual and that's all he had in mind." YOU THINK? The mag has a headline: "He Treats Women Like Servants — And Takes Them For Fast Food." That's because Kate Major had to pick up his dry cleaning and like McDonald's for breakfast. KM says she resigned from her job at Star because he told her he'd hire her as a personal assistant. He said he was going to Massachusetts to break up with Hailey; but then sent KM a message that said "Do not contact me again." Next: Interested in the coverline "Shiloh Saved A Village Of Kids!" ? You may be disappointed to learn that she didn't do it alone: When the little Jolie-Pitt was born, Angie and Brad sold the pictures for $4 million. Part of that money went towards 72 bicycles for two schools in Namibia. It used to take the students 2 hours to get to school, and they'd get home after dark, etc. Now, with bikes, everything is much better, and one of the kids says: "I think Angelina Jolie must be a saint. She must be a holy person." The Robert Pattinson/Kristen Stewart "make out" pictures are so vague that they require arrows (Fig. 2). Lastly: "Do Stars Eat Less Than We Do?" features Tori Spelling. She has cereal for breakfast, a sandwich for lunch, and lamb chops for dinner, and snacks on avocados. They estimate she eats about 2,043 calories a day, and is healthy.
Grade: C (broken Eskimo Pie)

Fig. 1

Fig. 2

• Doug Reinhardt rented an island or something in order to win back America's tainted love, Paris Hilton. Paris, of course, loves being treated like a princess and is gushing all over the place about it. [Sun]
  
  
• Sienna Miller may have finally found someone to love her and he's known as the "Slinky Wizard." This mystery man is a DJ (Of course he is!) named DJ George Barker, who supposedly specializes in trance music. And hey — he's single! [Mirror]
  
  
• Brad Pitt was so busy signing a new contract with the Weinstein's at the Inglorious Bastards premiere that poor Angelina had to spend her time talking to Eli Roth. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Jermaine Jackson is still trying to organize some sort of tribute to Michael Jackson with the help of Larry King's wife Shawn, of all people. [Page Six]
  
  
• Renee Zellweger and Bradley Cooper are jaunting around in Barcelona with their hands all over each other in public, even putting their hands on each other's asses at one point! [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Blanket Jackson's surrogate mother has been revealed to be a Mexican nurse named Helena. Supposedly Jackson liked her because she was attractive and Latina. Who knew Michael liked Latin ladies?! [Mirror]
  
  
• Our old pal James Frey has written some sort of novel about a man some believe to be the messiah. [Page Six]
  
  
• Russell Brand says that he's looking for a woman who has a "high pain threshold." [Mirror]
  
  
• Justin Timberlake has purchased a 13,500 square foot home in Greenwich, CT. It was originally listed at $23.9-million but closed for $18.7-million. [Page Six]
  
  
• Rumors are swirling that Paula Abdul could end up at ABC in some capacity, including as a guest star on Ugly Betty. [TMZ]

• Twilight star Ashley Greene, rumored to be dating Chace Crawford, is the latest in a long line of starlets to have nude photos leak onto the internet. [Gatecrasher and Fleshbot (NSFW!)]
  
  
• So much for that little diet of hers — America's thuggish, chicken riot-inciting overlord, Oprah, ate her way through Manhattan over the weekend, making stops at the Times Square TGIFridays for potato skins and Dylan's Candy Bar for Starbursts and Hershey's Kisses, just like your average Midwestern tourist. [Page Six]
  
  
• No celebrities want to appear on Amy Sacco's dumb Bravo reality show, because Amy Sacco and her little nightlife empire and over and dead! [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Well here's a bright little ray of sunshine to warm even the coldest heart — Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson are giving it yet another go! [Page Six]
  
  
• Renee Zellweger and Bradley Cooper were spotted over the weekend boarding a plane to Spain. Though they've yet to confirm their coupledom, traveling overseas together is pretty much a dead giveaway, right? [Page Six]
  
  
• Poor Jessica Simpson recently got dumped by the epic tool quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys and now she's scared to death in Japan after an earthquake made her pretty blonde little head worry. [Sun]
  
  
• Gossip Girl co-stars Leighton Meester and Sebastian Stan are reportedly deeply in love with each other, so much so that they plan on moving in together very soon. [Page Six]
  
  
• So not only does Cameron Diaz now resemble a character on Nip/Tuck, but she also has armpits that have the audacity to sweat profusely, an unfortunate trait for someone who's photographed as often as she is. [Mirror]
  
  
• Finally, at age 35 and after years of drinking, drug use, nonstop partying, rocker dude-boning, etc., Kate Moss is beginning to show some wear and tear on that beautiful face of hers. [Daily Mail]

• Is Britney Spears cheating on her boyfriend/agent with some wanker named Dallas Austin? She was rumored to have spent a couple of days at his house in Atlanta, where they probably did lots and lots of boning. [Page Six]
  
  
• Christina Hendricks, who plays Joan on Mad Men, says she's been dying hair red for the last 20 years because she feels like a redhead inside. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Michael Jackson's doctor, Conrad Murray, is definitely the subject of a homicide probe by the LAPD. [Mirror]
  
  
• Brad Pitt says that he often talks to Angelina Jolie while she is sitting on the toilet doing, well, you know. [Mirror]
  
  
• Brad Pitt laid into Ashton Kutcher for taking a picture of his wife's ass and posting it onto his Twitter account. [Sun]
  
  
• Two men died after a stage being set up for a Madonna concert gave way and collapsed. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• This is just basically a pic of Brad Pitt riding his motorbike, but I feel compelled to link to it anyway. [Sun]
  
  
• Renee Zellweger is going around showing off her skinny body before she piles on a bunch of fat in preparation for her role in the new Bridget Jones movie. [Mirror]
  
  
• Gerard Butler says that Jennifer Aniston is a "classy lady" which means that he is most definitely boning her, in case you were wondering. [DListed]
  
  
• Pete Doherty had to get special permission from a court to be able to spend time with his sister on her birthday. [Daily Mail]

• Bradley Cooper, who cruelly and publicly stuck Jennifer Aniston in the friend zone recently, is probably boning Renee Zellweger right this minute because they were spotted eating together at an Upper East Side restaurant, where they were allegedly really into each other. Zellweger was overheard repeating the line "you're so funny" all night long. [Daily News]
  
  
• Kevin Jonas, the oldest of those little Jonas freaks, is engaged, so we guess he can shed that chastity ring and stop being a big, fat, stupid virgin soon. [Daily News]
  
  
• Diane Keaton was rushed to the hospital after—Are you ready for this?—injuring herself in a sumo wrestling match! [Sun]
  
  
• Hayden Panetierre is appearing totally nude in the movie I Love You Beth Cooper. She says that she's got the goods so she might as well she them off. We agree! [Daily News]
  
  
• David and Victoria Beckham have now been married for a decade. The Daily Mirror has compiled a list of the Beckham's tips for making a celebrity marriage work. [Mirror]
  
  
• Tinsley Mortimer has fully dumped Topper and has moved on to boning some German aristocrat dude who works for Uma Thurman's boyfriend named Casimir Wittgenstein-Sayn. Yawn. [Page Six]
  
  
• Mischa Barton was kicked out of "the toilets" at a London club after she tried to sneak a girlfriend into a stall with her. A spy notes that Mischa looks as though she was having a "really good time." [Daily Mail]
  
  
• In case you haven't already heard, Michael Jackson's will was examined by a court yesterday and he named Diana Ross as the "legal guardian" of his children. His ex-wife, Debbie Rowe, got nothing. [Mirror]
  
  
• A friend of Farrah Fawcett read a farewell letter written by Farrah to her son Redmond and her longtime love Ryan O'Neal that allegedly had everyone bawling. [Daily Mail]

The culprit is this case was a usual suspect, Matt Levine, owner of The Eldridge, the staggering den of douchebaggery on the Lower East Side frequented by laser-card carrying "quality people," where a specialty mixed drink will run you $32, if, that is, you're touched by the hand of God and allowed in to mingle with a group of people who should probably all be sterilized for the sake of humanity.

PlumTV's Nick Leighton was on the scene at Levine's Hamptons outpost, Georgica, in the pouring rain, with a camera when Levine rolled up the awning on dozens of people eager to drop hundreds of dollars on sub-par food and crap service.

And if you've never been to the Hamptons and need more convincing of how truly awful it really is, watch this other PlumTV clip from this weekend below featuring The Blue Parrot, a place that in any other American town would be just another carbon-copy Mexican joint trying too hard to be "quirky" by serving margaritas out of mason jars, but since it's owned by Ron Perelman, Renee Zellweger and Jon Bon Jovi, it's a place where "everyone is scrambling for a table," including Martha Stewart, clearly wasted after drinking a single "Dirty Bird" margarita.

Pic via

Ah, sad. The talented-ish Eric Roberts has stooped to doing the second season of the Starz Channel's awful series Crash. Based on the awful movie, the awful series features the awful Dennis Hopper as an awful man. The series also stars the awfully unfortunate Julie Warner, who was supposed to be an awful big star an awfully long time ago. [Variety]

Oh, fun. Amy Poehler has been tapped to star in Lunch Lady, a movie based on an upcoming series of graphic novels about a lunch lady who's a secret superhero. Sounds just about perfect for the crazed, whimsical Ms. Poehler. [THR]

Renee Zellweger has left CAA for the newly-formed superagency William Morris Endeavor. She's hoping for more Chicago and less New In Town. So are we. [Variety]

After a brief stumble, Conan O'Brien's Tonight Show ratings are back on top. So, that's over. [THR]

Michael Cunningham, the Pulitzer-winning author of The Hours, has just had a screenplay optioned. No, it's not some sweeping ladydrama. It's a horror movie about a newly-hot high school girl and her murderous, obsessive English teacher. Cunningham told reporters "While I was writing about Virginia Wolff, my mind was never far removed from the idea of girls in bikinis being hacked up by guys wearing hockey masks, and I vowed that if I ever had a good idea, I would write one of these scary movies." Which is kind of fun! And kind of weird. [Variety]

Who cares? We do! Joy Behar, often the lone voice of reason on The View (Whoopi is just too apathetic to be reasonable), will host her own primetime talk show on HLN (used to be Headline News) starting this fall. So you'll get her five days a week in the morning on The Clambake, and then seven days a week at night on The Joy Behar Show. The only way you could get more Joy Behar in your life is if she moved into your spare room. Would you like Joy Behar to move into your spare room? Because it's not out of the question. [THR]

The once-rising Brittany Murphy has joined the cast of Something Wicked, a thriller currently being shot in Oregon. She'll costar alongside John Robinson and Shantel VanSanten. Yes, the Shantel VanSanten. [THR]

Image via Getty

INF has new pictures of the smartly-dressed couple strolling around Manhattan and buying some wine last week. They're both dressed casually—he in a long coat and baseball cap, she in leggings and funny spectacles—and they look the picture of moneyed ease. Zellweger, who by many accounts is like the nicest and most down-to-earthest of Hollywood stars, is another catch for the hood-lidded Abrams, who previously dated superdupermodel Elle MacPherson.

And look how cute they are! Enjoying the winter sun together. It almost makes one feel bad for how their week was spent, including wasting away yesterday's warmest-day-of-the-year-so-far wrapped up in blankets, alone, watching Whoopi Goldberg in The Associate. Almost.

Small songstress Lilly Allen Wears Bo-Peep Costume, Exposes Curds and Whey [Daily Mail]

• Plastic Person of the Universe Renee Zellweger, The Only Person In Manhattan To Take Those Annoying Pedicabs [Page Six]
• New York Fashion Week Castrated As Wang and Johnson Pull Out [Telegraph]
• Three Great Puns Used in Fashion Week Gossip Item [See above]
• Socialite of the Spectacles Lisa Loeb got hitched to some guy but will they "Stay" together? [US Magazine]
• Horrible and Inevitable Pun Used In Loeb Nup Gossip Item [See Above]
• Harry Potter Stunt Double Nearly Killed in Deathly Hallows Explosion. [AFP]
• Harry Potter/Junk Shower Daniel Radcliffe, Meanwhile, Invites Sasha and Melia Obama to "A Private Tour of the 'Harry Potter' Set." [Chicago Tribune]

• Guess who played a refugee in yesterday's Refugee Run? Why, unhinged entrepreneur Richard Branson, obviously! He even visited a "mock refugee camp," where presumably courses like "How to Imitate a Gazan" and "Yo' Mama Snaps for IDPs" were offered. [NYP]
• Sad houseplant Jennifer Aniston's "house" is under "construction" and has been for "two years." [Star]
• Non-actress Renee Zellweger wore a red dress and did that annoying thing with her mouth, part smile/part grimace/part glower, before an appearance on the David Letterman Show. [Sun]
• Breasts Jessica Alba admitted the obvious and was photographed attending acting lessons. Congrats, Jessica A., the first step to solving a problem is realizing you have one! [Wenn]
• Page Six Magazine folded like one of those origami fortune-tellers—that is, in quarters—so I am guest-blogging this weekend to make some dough.

That's what the latest Renée Zellweger romcom New In Town faces upon opening this Friday, with early word from one critic urging the "good people of Minnesota" to "Stand up! Fight back! Take back your state and your culture and your accent!" Another critic, still reeling from his subjection to Zellweger's turn as an icy Miami executive who discovers love on a wintry northern business expedition, wrote his entire review in the film's condescending Townspeople dialect: "Her corporate-speak pretnear starts a riot. I'm tellin' ya, da guys are so worried 'bout losin' der jobs dey treat Lucy like a gopher who got into da garbage, donchaknow."

Distributor Lionsgate, meanwhile, is doing all it can to mend the breach threatening its January delivery — including marketing kingpin Tim Palen's staunchest "tug-on-the-ovary" test-screening efforts profiled last week in The New Yorker:

After the screening, Palen listened carefully to the focus group. Then, on the escalator down from the theater, he said, “They weren’t talking about Renée Zellweger, but she was the reason they came, because she’s a movie star. So if we’re out on Super Bowl weekend as counter-programming—trying to get women—the trailer has to be about her and be all shellacked and lacquered. Though I wonder if Fargo meets Baby Boom might be more relatable, with the downsizing everyone’s experiencing.” I mentioned that Blanche (Siobhan Fallon Hogan), Zellweger’s administrative assistant at the plant, had got many of the biggest laughs. “Droll and folksy reads as quaint, reads as art house,” Palen said. “I love Blanche, but I can’t sell her.”

"Fargo meets Baby Boom"? Ugh. Now even the Minnesotans won't buy it.

• 'New In Town' [Rotten Tomatoes]

• The Cobra [The New Yorker]

While we highly, highly suggest you take the time to read the entire story, here are some revelations from people who make trailers, manipulating moments from flicks:

“The most common comment you hear from filmmakers after we’ve done our work is ‘This is not my movie,’” Terry Press, a consultant who used to run marketing at Dreamworks SKG, says. “I’d always say, ‘You’re right—this is the movie America wants to see.’”

But what about you, the modern woman? Oh, the marketers know all about you:

The collective wisdom is that young males like explosions, blood, cars flying through the air, pratfalls, poop jokes, “you’re so gay” banter, and sex—but not romance. Young women like friendship, pop music, fashion, sarcasm, sensitive boys who think with their hearts, and romance—but not sex (though they like to hear the naughty girl telling her friends about it). They go to horror films as much as young men, but they hate gore; you lure them by having the ingénue take her time walking down the dark hall.

That is, of course, only if you are under 25. If you're over 25, you fall into a different "quadrant" of marketing. You're "older."

Older women like feel-good films and Nicholas Sparks-style weepies: they are the core audience for stories of doomed love and triumphs of the human spirit. They enjoy seeing an older woman having her pick of men; they hate seeing a child in danger. Particularly once they reach thirty, these women are the most “review-sensitive”: a chorus of critical praise for a movie aimed at older women can increase the opening weekend’s gross by five million dollars. In other words, older women are discriminating, which is why so few films are made for them.

The marketer at the heart of this article, Tim Palen, was working on a new Renée Zellweger new film, Chilled in Miami, and trying to figure out how to get people to watch it. After a screening, Palen worried:

“They weren’t talking about Renée Zellweger, but she was the reason they came, because she’s a movie star. So if we’re out on Super Bowl weekend as counter-programming—trying to get women—the trailer has to be about her and be all shellacked and lacquered. Though I wonder if ‘Fargo’ meets ‘Baby Boom’ might be more relatable, with the downsizing everyone’s experiencing.” I mentioned that Blanche (Siobhan Fallon Hogan), Zellweger’s administrative assistant at the plant, had got many of the biggest laughs. “Droll and folksy reads as quaint, reads as art house,” Palen said. “I love Blanche, but I can’t sell her.”

So how do you sell a Renée Zellweger movie? The New Yorker's Tad Friend writes:

He had been working to make a compelling trailer, using David Schneiderman, at Seismic Productions, who cut trailers for “The Devil Wears Prada” and “Sex and the City.” Paul Brooks wanted the trailer to be primarily comedic, but Palen felt that it needed an emotional through-line, “the stuff that tugs on the ovary.” Schneiderman says that Palen’s reaction to his first pass “was the worst: ‘Where’s the Mary Tyler Moore?’ He said, ‘This girl goes to this little town in Minnesota and she’s a cold person, and they warm her up, right? More warmth, more style, more “Devil Wears Prada.” ’ And I said, ‘I don’t know where that is in the movie.’ And he said, ‘Create it.’”

By the end of the piece, Chilled In Miami has the more straight-forward title New In Town; the poster features red, Devil Wears Prada-esque shoes and a Louis Vuitton suitcase (Palen shot the photograph himself; whether the shoes or the luggage actually appear in the film is unclear), and the trailer, writes Friend, "made me want to see the movie, even though I’d already seen it. It looked like fun."

Letter From California: The Cobra [The New Yorker]

EW polled its stand-in Academy on five specific years (2003, 1998, 1993, 1988, and 1983) and the six biggest categories therein (each actor slot, as well as Picture and Director). Only seven of the thirty original wins were revoked, and the sole non-acting substitution was Saving Private Ryan over Shakespeare in Love for 1998's Best Picture.

The other six new "champs" were evenly split between actors and actresses. In the revised Supporting Actor races, Geoffrey Rush (Shakespeare in Love) trumped actual winner James Coburn (Affliction) in 1998, while the redone 1993 would steal the Oscar from Tommy Lee Jones (The Fugitive) and hand it to Ralph Fiennes for Schindler's List. The oldest revision? 1988, which traded real winner Geena Davis (The Accidental Tourist) for Frances McDormand (Mississippi Burning). No one lost their Oscars in 1983 because nobody remembers any movie from that year besides Terms of Endearment.

But enough about those nobodies! Here are the only three bits of schadenfreude big enough for a hungry populace to sink their teeth into: controversial Oscar winners Gwyneth Paltrow (Shakespeare in Love), Renée Zellweger (Cold Mountain) and Roberto Benigni (Life is Beautiful) were all junked for Cate Blanchett (Elizabeth), Shohreh Aghdashloo (House of Sand and Fog), and Edward Norton (American History X), respectively. You liked them (before you didn't)! You really liked them (before you really didn't)!

• Oscar Do-overs: The Results of EW's 'Recall the Gold' Project [EW]

Boomp3.com

The unusually warm fall weather must’ve gotten the best of Renee Zellweger at the Los Angeles premiere of Appaloosa. As the Jerry Maguire star sauntered down the red carpet, she tugged and pulled the shoulder portion of her designer gown further off her neck and shoulder region. “It’s a lovely piece," Zellweger said. "But those things were smothering me like a bad boyfriend. You know: The kind that apologizes for every thing and, you know, just smothers.” As Zellweger reached the end of the red carpet, the temperature dropped a bit and she began to hike the shoulder portion back over her exposed flesh. “Sometimes," Zellweger added, "we make mistakes and we need a bit of coverage, like when you take back that smothering boyfriend. All he was guilty of was caring.”

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Boomp3.com

Normally, a crippling fear of spilling her drink order consumes Grey’s Anatomy star Ellen Pompeo on her daily Starbucks run. Instead, the baristas must’ve assumed that when she used the name, “Ellen” it was a fake name and that her real name is Renee, as in Renee Zelllweger. Pompeo tried to laugh off the case of mistaken identity, but it really got to her. Pompeo confessed, “We’re both awesome and blonde, but that’s it. That’s where the similarities end. We’re nothing alike. Two completely different people.”

[Photo Credit: Flynet]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

We're troubled, however, to read for what feels like the the thousandth time that the ladies aren't quite measuring up:

In an era where risk-averse studio executives have declared men the more reliable movie stars—and the more desirable moviegoers—perhaps it's no surprise that they are also the medium's top earners. The reality: Hollywood's 10 best-paid actors out-earned Hollywood's 10 best-paid actresses 2-to-1 over the course of the year.

Collectively, the big screen's leading men took home an estimated $487 million between June 1, 2007, and June 1, 2008, compared with the leading ladies' haul of $244.5 million.

However, in an even more revealing Forbes slideshow for the prose-impaired, we discovered that actresses fared much better in the "Ultimate Payback" category, which calculates the best gross-to-salary ratios in the biz. While a pre-Fred Claus Vince Vaughn ranked #1, Julia Roberts, Naomi Watts, Jennifer Aniston, Renee Zellweger and Jodie Foster cracked the top 15 as well. (That'll happen when you're relatively underpaid; top-earning actress Cameron Diaz is way down at #32.) Prepare yourself for Christian Bale's controversial post-Dark Knight ascent, followed by the touching, accompanying profile of how the strapping star went from clown's son to box-office powerhouse.

• Hollywood's Best-Paid Actors [Forbes]
• The Ultimate Star Payback [Forbes]

"I learned a lot from working with [Renée]," he said. "She was so tough. I would hear the director say, 'Cut' and then wait for instructions; she would demand another 15 takes until she was absolutely happy with the scene. These leading ladies have it tough: they have to be girly enough to remain attractive but retain a steeliness to get their own way too. Plus, they seem to starve themselves all day to stay in shape."

Next came a role opposite Julia Roberts in Mona Lisa Smile. "The movie didn't make much sense. We would be given new scenes to film out of the blue which, it transpired, had been written by Julia's agent, who was doubling as a producer," he says. "I don't know what anyone was doing there. No one seemed to enjoy it. Especially not Julia. She had just got married and just wanted to be off having sex with her husband. Trouble was, she had married the cameraman on the movie. You can't really relax in a sex scene when the husband is staring right at you."

Perhaps West might consider starting a support group for non-porn actors scarred by their experiences of having to perform in front of their co-stars' significant others. We know Scott Speedman still wakes up in cold night sweats, reliving the nightmarish time director Len Wiseman kept shouting, "More animal! I want to see you impale her with your hairy weremember!" from behind a monitor as he oversaw Underworld: Evolution's steamy inter-monster sex scene with his wife, Kate Beckinsale.

• 'I just did my best De Niro impression' [Guardian.co.uk via HuffPo]