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The Somali Pirates' Guide to Flourishing Without Getting Killed by America
Savvy Reputation Expert To Dead Reporters: Screw You

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lawyergay
04/13/09

In reply to The Somali Pirates' Guide to Flourishing Without Getting Killed by America
I think some lady pirates would be a great PR move.
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Robert Synnott
04/13/09

In reply to The Somali Pirates' Guide to Flourishing Without Getting Killed by America
It's all very simple. The pirates know that if the US gets annoyed enough, it will invade a neighbouring state with a similar name in retaliation.
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AvenueOfTheStrongest
04/13/09

@Robert Synnott: So we're going to attack a nest of parrots? That could be tough. They have a large air force.
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Smitros
04/13/09

@AvenueOfTheStrongest:

And if captured, they pose a serious flight risk.
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pufflehuff
04/15/09

@AvenueOfTheStrongest: And they're all named Polly. Which makes decoding the intelligence quite hard.
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CaptainFantastic
04/13/09

In reply to The Somali Pirates' Guide to Flourishing Without Getting Killed by America
Reality show: Somalia's Next Top (and Bottom) Pirates
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ADismalScience
04/13/09

In reply to The Somali Pirates' Guide to Flourishing Without Getting Killed by America
This is cynicism elevated to an art form. It was not unlike watching a black hole devour some paradisal planet composed of peaceful beaches and fruit trees.
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Hydroceph
04/13/09

In reply to The Somali Pirates' Guide to Flourishing Without Getting Killed by America
I think the whole retaliation-talk thing is for the folks back home. Makes 'em sound tough for the local markets (think swooning virgins), rather than selling anything to the West. It's like the "mother of all battles" talk we heard from Saddam Hussein--it probably sounds great to the locals, but doesn't translate well. Once the Navy snipers start picking them off like low-hanging fruit, it's all over. Yawn. Next thrill, please?
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friendslikeJimRome
04/13/09

In reply to The Somali Pirates' Guide to Flourishing Without Getting Killed by America
1. They need a celebrity spokesman. Do I even need to say the first choice's name? If Johnny Depp is busy, Geena Davis will do.

2. Public Service Announcements. Imagine Johnny Depp handing out candy to small cute children and explaining the good work the pirates do in their spare time. Maybe the pirates could set up a summer camp for young children where they learn to climb ropes and other pirate skills.

3. A good deed or good will program. Like Venezuela giving heating oil to poor Americans. Maybe the pirates can give confiscated auto parts to GM or something.
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pufflehuff
04/15/09

@friendslikeJimRome: PIRATE SUMMER CAMP! Where were you during my childhood?

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Spirit Fingers
04/13/09

In reply to The Somali Pirates' Guide to Flourishing Without Getting Killed by America
I'm thinking this is all that damnable, but inexplicably beautiful, Johnny Depp's fault. I mean seriously, we're all so enamored by his eye-batty, androgynous, arm-flailing portrayal that we've forgotten what piracy really means.

Historically, these dudes were not about running from ghouls and Keira Knightley's hip protrusion. They wanted money or goods or they would fuck shit up. I'm all for getting rid of an imminent threat, swiftly, but I don't underestimate the tensions this country faces, and the last thing any of us need, especially our crisis-mired president, is organized pirate mayhem. Not saying we couldn't whup 'em if we have to, but damn, can we not have to see our African-American President needing to kill dozens if not hundreds of marauding Africans? Urgh. A PR disaster on all fronts. I'd like to not see that evaluated by the pundits.
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HurtsSoGood
04/13/09

@Spirit Fingers: And they had no problem whatsoever with the "fucking shit up" part. They rather enjoyed it. The real Captain Morgan once blew up Panama City. I was there once, courtesy of the United States Army, and I got to see the ruins resulting from Captain Morgan's handiwork. I would think it takes a really badass pirate to blow up a whole city with black powder and cannonballs.
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lobstr
04/13/09

In reply to The Somali Pirates' Guide to Flourishing Without Getting Killed by America
They keep reporting on these multi-million dollar mansions that are cropping up on the port city of Eyl and other Somali coastal towns, obviously funded by the capital gains of piracy...

I also hear they walk around town with targets painted on their backs..
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Zanzibar Buck-Buck McFate
04/13/09

In reply to The Somali Pirates' Guide to Flourishing Without Getting Killed by America
And tell me why a US Rep was flying through Mogadishu today?

[www.cnn.com]
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gawkimo
04/13/09

In reply to The Somali Pirates' Guide to Flourishing Without Getting Killed by America
I'm all for fighting Somalia pirates, but I do with we could send Navy SEAL snipers to take out the assholes dumping Europe's toxic waste in the waters off the Somali coast.

[www.timesonline.co.uk]

[www.newscientist.com]

Also, the EU has been also using West Africa as its personal toxic bivouac for years:

[www.nytimes.com]

Meanwhile some asshole on Fox News said today that not only should we make the pirates pay, but also their tribes and tribal elders. Yeah, lobbing missiles form planes into African villages sounds like a GREAT idea!
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Adah
04/13/09

@gawkimo: You know Somolia is on the Eastern coast of Africa, right?
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Kari's Favorite Mark
04/13/09

@gawkimo: Now, now, if it doesn't involve validating the hundreds of billions we spend on defense each year by shooting an impoverished black man, well, we just don't want to hear about it.
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gawkimo
04/13/09

@Adah: Of course. I've been the Djibouti. Read the UNDP reports. It is possible to dump on both coasts, you know.
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gawkimo
04/13/09

@formerly it takes a lot to laugh: Pirates know the risks they take. I'm not saying they shouldn't be shot. But I am saying if you don't want to do anything about the clusterfucks in Africa, you have to be wary of the coasts of these countries. I mean, WTF are French yachts doing in the Gulf of Aden in the first place?
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gawkimo
04/13/09

@gawkimo: However I will say it's distubring to hear CNN talk about pirates posing as fishermen. I know a reporter out of Yemen who has interviewed the fishing coops in Hadramaut. Literally thousands of fishing vessels deploy between the coasts of Yemen and Somalia and the fishermen are being harassed by both sides. Indian frigates are firing on legitimate fishing vessels, board craft, tossing fishermen overboard to tread water as their boats are ransacked in search of weapons. You won't see this on CNN and Fox News. Perosanll I think we shoudl send Karl Penhaul to Yemen to ride on one of these boats so we can see what's happening. These people have nothing and they're caught in the crossfire between pirates and navies.

That said: I don't think America is the problem here. In case anyone didn't notice, the American vessel was sending aid to Kenya. The Ukrainian vessel was sending weapons to Kenya. Which side should we be on?
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HurtsSoGood
04/13/09

@gawkimo: I would hope for their sake that they realize that the risks they have been taking (past tense) have just been enhanced and fortified. I seriously doubt any of these people welcome death the way a Islamist suicide bomber might.
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i'm a bottle
04/14/09

@gawkimo: Yes, very true. I know what side I'm on here.

One more thing, though, "there were many indications" that the weapons, planes and tanks were probably destined for the "Government of South Sudan," though the Kenyans were colluding with the Ukranians, according to:

[www.spiegel.de]

(Unfortunately, the article is only in German.)
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i'm a bottle
04/14/09

@i'm a bottle: It should probably be noted that South Sudan is an oil-producing, semi-independent state. It's also in the process of seceding from federal Sudan. The president of federal Sudan has been brought up on charges by the ICC. Kenya supports the southern state (they both share a border). The situation is very complicated. It's like a game of capture the flag with thousands of teams.
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RonMwangaguhunga
04/13/09

In reply to The Somali Pirates' Guide to Flourishing Without Getting Killed by America
The word "Pirate," or, more specifically, "Somali Pirate" is now politically radioactive. My advice: Drop the whole retaliation thingie, it's all very High School ("Do you know who you're fucking with ..") Stop, as was said in the post, fucking with the U.S of A, who have not so far as I know, been dumping toxics in the Gulf of Aden. Finally, change the name to something fancier and antiquated so that people can remember what is charming and nostalgic about swashbuckling piracy. Something like "Corsairs" has a nice ring to it ...
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choinski
04/13/09

In reply to The Somali Pirates' Guide to Flourishing Without Getting Killed by America
If Emily Latella were alive today she would very upset over the dangers of Somali Pilates.

....Nevermind!
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Smitros
04/13/09

@choinski:

Navy SEALS will win the core-conditioning arms race.
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Nic Fit
04/13/09

In reply to The Somali Pirates' Guide to Flourishing Without Getting Killed by America
Also, I don't think that America can just wipe anyone off the map. It took like four days to get rid of three pirates and get one guy back. The pirates aren't going away.
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HurtsSoGood
04/13/09

@Nic Fit: Only because they were careful. One well-aimed torpedo might have done the same job in about three minutes, except we wouldn't have the captain back in one piece. Doing it half-assed takes three minutes. Doing it right takes longer.
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Kid Twist
04/13/09

In reply to The Somali Pirates' Guide to Flourishing Without Getting Killed by America
Also, pirates: Don't mess with Major-General Stanley.
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Adah
04/13/09

@Kid Twist:
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Adah
04/13/09

@Adah:

+ Watch video

Since my previous attempt did not go through.

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Kid Twist
04/13/09

@Adah: Yeah, without Preview, I never get it right the first time, either.
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TableNine
04/13/09

In reply to The Somali Pirates' Guide to Flourishing Without Getting Killed by America
Also, would it kill them to sing a nice sea shanty once in a while? Sheesh.
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