Everyone who bothers to punch a few numbers into a calculator can tell you that most Americans have absolutely no hope of saving enough money for retirement. It's dog food days all around. The latest figures show that we are more confident about our retirement prospects, but just as broke as ever.
Most Americans have scant hope of saving enough money to support themselves in retirement. In his State of the Union speech last night, president Obama proposed a new retirement plan for workers called "myRA." It's not an IRA. It's not a pension. What the fuck is it?
Christmas has come a few days early for Justin Bieber haterz: The man-boy "bitch banger" announced yesterday that he plans to retire from the music biz after his latest album drops so he can focus more on sleeping with South American prostitutes.
The fact that the statement "governments should be legally required to make pension contributions every year" is controversial is just the latest reminder that it's time to blow up America's horrible pension system.
The American way of retirement is crumbling. Private pensions are disappearing. Public pensions are crumbling. Instead of clawing and fighting to save them as they slip away, populists and progressives should just let them die. No one needs pensions. Everyone needs a pension.
As we do periodically, we will now remind you that you will probably never save enough money to retire successfully. What makes us so sure of ourselves? Well, try this simple quiz: are you an American?
On Monday, 83-year-old Barbara Walters officially announced her retirement from television (“special occasions” aside) on The View, a show about yelling she created in 1997 at the age of 68. She’s not officially planning to retire until the summer of 2014, she’s just giving everyone a year’s notice so that they can…
When we say, as we often do, "You will never retire," while pointing directly at you and waving a fistful of dollar bills and burning an American flag, it is not meant to be taken as a jeer; rather, it is our way of soberly guiding your attention to the distressing probability that you, personally, have little chance…
A new poll shows that 85% of Americans are "concerned" about their ability to retire. Psht. Come on. Wise up. You people are being completely unrealistic. (We're talking to the 15% of you who are not concerned.)
"Retirement," an ancient and outmoded system in which elderly people were able to stop working without starving to death, is little more than a faint dream of bygone days in modern America. Still, many of our readers harbor secret hopes of one day being able to retire in comfort. As a service to those readers, we…
Congratulations, I guess, young Americans: " In 2012, for the first time ever, one-third of the nation's 25- to 29-year-olds have completed at least a bachelor's degree." Most college grads ever! This valuable education will help prepare you for a lifetime in which work—if you can find some—never ends, and retirement…
A festive reminder for the old folks in this unidentified retirement home that they could very well be celebrating their last Halloween among the living.
John Krenicki, 50, will make $89K per month for the next three years in exchange for not working. Working class hero.
The student loan bubble that threatens to envelop America is a truly remarkable form of penury: your debt ruins you financially, and you may never even reap any benefits from it, thanks to our nation's horrible economy! And now, a second, even more devious peril is becoming clear: you could still be repaying your…
Are you panicked to the point of irrationality about the unpredictable ups and downs of the Dow Jones Industrial Average? Are you as far as one could possibly get from a "Wall Street insider," yet still overconfident in your ability to beat the market? Are you unable to control your urge to do something, even…
"Retirement." Historians tell us that the word refers to an obsolete ancient practice of living out your elderly years engaged in leisure activities, rather than in scavenging soda cans from neighborhood recycling bins to supplement your meager Wal-Mart greeter's paycheck.
Garrison Keillor—the man who has figured out how to simultaneously be a down-how aw shucks Minnesota icon and King of That One Variety of Unbearable Liberal Elite—says he's going to retire in 2013. Because he needs to find his replacement. Ohhhhhh, just hurry it up! Jesus. Anyone who can talk slowly and breathe…
Oscar-winning wizard of technique Steven Soderbergh (Traffic, Oceans Etc.) is going to call it quits after a few more movies. Says his regular collaborator Matt Damon, "He's kind of exhausted with everything that interested him." He might try painting next.
Police in California are trying to figure out how a 94-year-old woman wound up locked inside a walk-in freezer in her swanky nursing home, Silverado Senior Living. Silverado is best known for a former employee who's serving life for torture.
Gene Robinson, the Episcopal church's first openly gay bishop, will retire from his post in January 2013 he said yesterday. Robinson cited "death threats, and the now-worldwide controversy" over his election as the main reasons for his early retirement.
