Gawker: rewriting the post

The Post reports that a woman was recently...

Maggie — Tue, 11 Dec 2007 13:55:14 EST

The Post reports that a woman was recently arrested at the Duane Reade on 94th and Third for stealing pain medication. Addiction is indeed an albatross; you have to be pretty hard up to commit yourself to finding a goddamn thing in a Duane Reade. We're thinking that perhaps the Post had some extra space to fill last night, seeing as how the lady was arrested for stealing fucking Aleve. Woman's got a headache, people! Ahh, but wait... 94th and Third does fall within the boundaries of the Upper East Side (despite looking a hell of a lot like Murray Hill) and Aleve is used to relieve aches and pains. How about: NABBED: POSH PAIN PILL PICKPOCKET. [NYP Police Blotter]

Pill Sales Seemin' Unstoppable

abalk — Thu, 23 Aug 2007 10:40:11 EDT

We knew you people were sluts, but we had no idea just exactly how slutty you actually were. Barr Pharmaceuticals has announced that Plan B, the morning-after instabortion pill for ladies who are easy or drunk enough to buy the "shooting blanks" line, is selling far beyond their wildest dreams. They project $80 million in sales for 2007, double what they did last year. While we're thrilled with the drug industry for removing a woman's last possible excuse for making men wear a condom, we are disappointed with the news industry, especially the New York Post, which headlined the A.P. dispatch on the subject with a wan "'Morning After' Boom." As is the custom around here, we'll provide a few alternate headlines and then we'll sit back and let you do a better job of it.

Our suggestions:

Drug Co. Makes Plenty of "Loose" Change
Baby Non-Board
"Splooge" Increase In Pill Profits
Big Biz Stops Jizz
Pill Busts Pharma Co.'s Nut
Fire away!
'MORNING AFTER' BOOM [AP]

Hebrew School For Scandal

abalk — Tue, 14 Aug 2007 11:45:19 EDT

Here's the headline the New York Post chose to run with their story about Danielle Salzberg, named interim principal of Khalil Gibran International Academy, "the city's controversial Arabic-themed school." (Or at least it's what they went with this morning; they've gone for more secular "NEW PRINCIPAL 'CHOSEN'" on the web.) In any event, Salzberg takes over from Debbie Almontaser, who resigned last weekend after a drumbeat of criticism from the Andrea Peysers of the world. Salzberg, as the headline indicates, is a Hebress who speaks no Arabic. It's kind of like a sitcom! Also, it's the perfect opportunity to rewrite the Post. You know the drill: We'll go first and then you follow up in the comments.

Hadassah Madrassa
Torahnce of Arabia
The Profit
Challah, Meet Allah
Wow. We are totally off our game today. Help us out, please.

NEW PRINCIPAL 'CHOSEN' [NYP]

Al Gore III Enjoys Partaking Of Cannabis

Emily Gould — Thu, 05 Jul 2007 12:10:33 EDT

This morning on the subway I actually LOLed at the Post article about Al Gore's son's pot and pills arrest: "Being the former vice president's son did little to blunt the charges." Ha! But then, I always laugh at pot jokes because I used to be a huge pothead until, um, about two weeks ago. Anyway, the Post's other zingers included the headline "Gore son at 'high' speeds," "the hybrid car was green in more ways than one," and "Call it an inconvenient toke." They're not leaving us much to work with, are they? Still, I hope you'll give it a shot. Personally, I can't think of anything. Must be cause of all that pot I used to smoke.

Gore Son at 'High' Speeds [NYP]
[Photo: Good Mag [Flickr]

Hatikva Hotties

abalk — Tue, 19 Jun 2007 09:24:10 EDT

Getting the wood in this morning's New York Post is this tragic story about the controversy caused by a tourism campaign for the state of Israel launched in conjunction with Maxim's "Women of the Israeli Defense Forces" photoshoot. (You really picked up a class organization, Kent Brownridge!) We're less concerned about whether the whole thing is sexist or not than we are over the choice of headline. The Post fronts with a creditable "Piece in the Mideast" but does less well with the internal "Babes in Oy Land Scuffle." Let's lend a hand, shall we? Our suggestions follow.

Jew See The Cans On That Chick?
She Can Occupy My Territories Any Time!
Hear, O Israel, This Chick Has a Bod
Di-Ass-Pora
Ariel Sha-BONE
Ooh, that last one was awful. Please do better.
BABES IN OY LAND SCUFFLE [NYP]

The Big, The Bad, And The Ugly

abalk — Wed, 13 Jun 2007 13:24:04 EDT

Today's Keith Kelly column reports about the decent doings of Ron Galotti, the former Conde Nast exec about who it is illegal to write without mentioning that he was the "real-life model for the fiction Mr. Big" in "Sex and the City." Ron's been on a rural kick of late, and the paper provides a shot of our man astride one of his recently-acquired steeds. The caption needs a little work, though. Here are our suggestions, let's see yours.

Wop On Top
Git Along, Little Dagos
Spaghetti Eastern
That's Gonna Be A Spicy Meatball
Cock and Bull
New sheriff [NYP]

Energy Drink Boosts Spirits, Weens

abalk — Wed, 06 Jun 2007 10:15:11 EDT

The makers of Boost Plus Nutritional Energy Drink are surely offering up audible thanks to the Lord this morning, as the Post reports that a Harlem man is suing them because the protein shake gave him " an erection that would not subside." (After they pay up, they'll market the hell out of their boner-improving juice!) Christopher Woods of Harlem was victimized by the permadong, but he wasn't the only one to suffer:

He said the erection lasted for over three days, and his girlfriend "was in disbelief. She couldn't understand what was happening."

We can imagine, although we also think she isn't very bright.

Woods is suing the former manufacturer of the drink, the felicitously named Mead Johnson company. Not to mock the pain and suffering of a fellow human being, but let's be honest: We ever get a marathon boner, we're sending the responsible parties a thank you note and then calling everyone we know just to say "Hey, guess what's up?" Anyway, while we have you here, if we do, let's do a little headline writing, shall we? The Post goes with a serviceable "REAL STIFF DRINK," but we've no doubt you can improve upon that. Our sorry efforts:

Energy Drink Hard On Area Man
Protein Shake Goes Down Easy, Wang Not So Much
Woods' Wood
Johnson & Johnson
Cocktail!
What you got?
Real Stiff Drink [NYP]

Viagra Hard On Jet Lag, Too

abalk2 — Tue, 22 May 2007 11:20:26 EDT

Today's New York Post does a pretty good job headlining this story on the recent discovery that Viagra may aid travelers in combating jet lag. Still, too good to resist. Here are our starting five. You can surely do better.

Pill Cock-Blocks Jet Lag

Put Your Seatbacks, Tray Tables, And Manhammers In Their Full Upright Positions

This Is Your Captain Speaking: Looks Like Clear Skies And Stiff Cocks All The Way To Miami

Up Where We Belong

Coffee, Tea, Or OH MY GOD, LOOK HOW HARD YOUR ROD IS!

VIAGRA'S HARD ON JET LAG, TOO [NYP]

Divine Intervention

abalk2 — Thu, 03 May 2007 11:00:25 EDT

The Post finally gives the wood to this week's revelation that Jim McGreevey (former New Jersey governor, Gay American, etc.) plans to become an Episcopal priest. (The news gives the paper an opportunity to summarize the recent conflict in the Anglican faith over the ordination of gays. It may be the most informative article the Post has ever provided its readership.) In any event, while we applaud the paper's vague restraint in its choice of headline, we think an event this joyous calls for a little more pizzazz.

GAY-men!
EpiscoGAYlean!
Holy MOley!
Altar Boys Beware!
Assmaster of Divinity
Banglican
We're still having coffee. Surely you can do better?
HEAVEN HELP US! MCG TO BE PRIEST [NYP]
Previously: Italians Like-a The Rudy