• Jessica Simpson wanted a Barbie-like existence with Tony Romo, so much so that she wanted him to dress up as Ken (and her as Barbie) for her birthday party. If true, this is sad on five different levels, chief among them: (1) the relating of inanimate objects to having a desire to inhabit their manifested-in-reality counterparts, (2) the ideal for a relationship that is now absolutely shattered, something that was probably fairly delicate and precious to her, (3) the stark realization that this existence simply doesn't exist in life, but the existence of having a breakup because you (insanely) wanted to make your boyfriend dress up as a Ken doll and that was the braking point? That existence is very, very real. Honestly, just blame all of this on Joe Simpson. Did you know he had an Arcade Fire song written about him? It's true. Anyway, this filled me with a deep sadness the way, I don't know, reading Arthur Miller plays can. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Lindsay Lohan got a job in the new Robert Rodriguez movie. It's a full-length version of Machete, which was initially conceived as a trailer for his joint collaboration with Quintin Tarantino, Grind House. So: she just attached herself to a pretty decent project. Let's hope she shows up to work on time. [D Listed]
  
  
• Saved By The Bell cast members banned Screech from the reunion because (A) he's a perv and (B) he's writing a tell-all and (C) they had to bring him along for the College Years, didn't they? Zach Morris aka Mark Paul Gosselaar noted: "What is he going to say?" Gosselaar asked sarcastically. "We were (bleeping) groupies at 14?" which is kind of funny. They weren't! [NY Daily News]
  
  
• Kate Gosselin bought a condo in Rockville, Maryland: definitely not ex-husband Jon's Manhattan Piyimp Pad, but it'll do for now. It's apparently an hour away from her bodyguard, and also: Kate's dating a bodyguard, Jon's dating a twenty-something girl and walking around wearing Ed Hardy. Wow. It's like someone beat their cosmic existence with the Iron Book of Cliche. But E!'s running a nice picture of her smiling, so that's nice. [E!]
  
  
• George Clooney has a girlfriend who at one time modeled nekkid, and some blogs have picked up the pictures. [Egotastic]
  
  
• Awesome. Mary Cheney is a total diva, just like her neo-con sociopath of a dad. No, really: that's what the item's about. Her sister would get a new SUV for her secret service detail, and Mary would be like, why isn't that one mine? And they'd be like, well, because you're the lesbian and we want to keep you as far in the closet as possible. Literally. Okay, last part isn't true, but probably. [Page Six]
  
  
• Gerard Butler likes to check out girls without being spotted by paparazzi, apparently, which is, uh, tragic? Especially when you're doing it at parties? [Page Six]
  
  
• Favorite gossip item of the week: Jasper Johns and Edward Albee, sitting around, telling jokes about turtles. I kid you not. [Page Six]
  
  
• Prince William's girlfriend Kate Middleton gets business advice from Richard Branson. I get business advice from the guy at my laundromat who thinks tax evasion is legal. Unsolicited, but appreciated nonetheless. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Rapper Drake tried to hit the stage while recovering from an injury and fell; his knee buckled out from under him. More and more, I'm starting to think his career is just a viral DeGrassi ad campaign. [TMZ]
  
  
• Charles Manson is running a business in prison, and having guys pen his signature for him, and thus, is still manipulating people into doing his bidding. Gotta hand it to him, though, for his entrepreneurial spirit. What's next, a blog network? Also, he makes "cloth scorpions," so if you were even remotely concerned about whether or not he's still totally fucking creepy, well, he still is. [Page Six]
  
  
• Mark Wahlberg got married. He said hi to everyone's mother in person. [People]
  
  
• Emma Watson wants to start her own fashion label, and it's going to be "green," and more magical than all the other fashion labels. It will probably perform light magic to counteract the dark magic of Mugatu-esque designer Karl Lagerfeld. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Amy Winehouse hired a private investigator to spy on her ex-husband Blake Fielder-Civil's every move so when they go to court, she can list all the reasons why nobody should ever give him a penny. But Hollywood, are you listening? Amy Winehouse and a Private Investigator is the potential new hit of the fall season, and surely, we could crush Mad Men's chances at ever winning another Emmy. Get in on it before I actually sell this. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• The Twilight people launched a website for their new movie and somewhere, thousands of trackpads have already been broken with the furious clicking of their psychotic teenage owners. [E!]

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.Richard Branson says he does not want to buy Playboy. Oh how we wish he did, though. As you can see, he's sad about it. If only there were a rich, horny, middle-aged billionaire out there, who loves models.

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.The BBC is launching a channel for kids, right here in the USA. American kids will not be stupid any more.

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.Jacques is a new quarterly that calls itself "America's only new luxury erotic magazine." Since we know that there are no new magazines or luxurious things in America right now, it's probably true! Anyhow the naked parts are very tasteful and all so check it out.

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.NBC got only 4.4 million prime time viewers last week—the lowest-ever total for any network "outside of the summer doldrums of June, July, August or early September." But not to worry: the network's considering creating a new 5 p.m. daily "lifestyle show." Which will turn things around.

Farrow's been blogging the last 12 days of Being Hungry For People Exponentially Hungrier Than Her. She finally threw in the towel - or ate it - on the David Blaine-trained strike when she was told she couldn't do it anymore without, um, dying:

"I have been instructed by my doctor to stop my fast immediately due to health concerns-including possible seizures. I am fortunate. The women, children, and men I am fasting for do not have that option."

Farrow enough. Stepping in to take her place? A ringer! Sir Richard "Rock" Branson. Sez Branson: "I'm honoured to be taking over the fast for the next three days from Mia Farrow in her courageous stance to support the people of Darfur." Nice, but really? Maybe this is the easy party line, but doesn't the island-owning Branson have the coin to simply foot some of the bill in Darfur? Or to send a private security force in to help the situation? (Answer: Dar!...)

The best part about this - since the political upside on Celebrities Doing Things Inspired By David Blaine has yet to pay off in dividends - is that it's a multimedia presentation. Watch as Farrow remains stunningly "coherent" and "fine."

She's got the crazy eyes. Related: celebrities without food encouraging others to go without food is just a shitty idea all around.

Valleywag reported in January that the May-December couple — he's 64, she's 28 — had switched the location of their wedding from Hinze's paparazzi-friendly Sydney to the more remote Necker Island. Now PEHub, a venture-capital blog, confirms that the couple are wedding on Necker.

The notion that Necker will keep the ceremony private seems curiously outdated, though, in this age of oversharing. After all, when Larry Page, the Google founder, married Stanford Ph.D. and ex-model Lucy Southworth in late 2007, one of the wedding guests sent Valleywag a close-up pic of the couple's first kiss (left).

Better yet: Since YouTube cofounder Chad Hurley is Clark's son-in-law, we'd hope guests would be sporting videocameras, the better to leak clips with.

Another famous guest, according to the Daily Telegraph: Film mogul Harvey Weinstein. Hinze hosts the Australian version of Project Runway. She spent the past few days at Walt Disney World celebrating with her sister and other family members.

Last month, the Clark, who turns 65 this year, and Hinze held a secret party in a posh Sydney suburb to celebrate the engagement. Australian newspapers reported that the couple would marry in Sydney in March.

But a source on the British Virgin Islands tells us that there are preparations underway for the wedding of a "Netscape big." Netscape cofounder Marc Andreessen is already married, as is former CEO Jim Barksdale, so the ceremony is almost certainly for Clark. Could the Sydney location be a ruse to throw off the tabloids?

Necker, Branson's private estate in the British Virgin Islands, is a good location to avoid paparazzi. A local said the currents make it hard for their boats to approach. But we suspect it won't matter. A guest at the wedding of Google's Page sent Valleywag a snap of him kissing his bride, Lucy Southworth. YouTube founder Chad Hurley, who married Clark's daughter Kathy, will surely be on the invite list. Maybe he'll post a clip! Oh, and if anyone has an invite to the Clark-Hinze bash, care to send us a scan?

It may well be. Aflame, too, are the sentiments of Wikipedia's volunteers, many of whom are already enraged by Wales's jetsetting ways. For Wales, the gathering had an added attraction: After lunch, Branson took a party by catamaran to Mosquito, where women in bikini danced on the beach. "Normally the girls would be naked, but the prime minister is here," said Branson.

(Image via Wikimedia Commons)

In mid-February, he'd Wales announced he wasn't leaving the U.S. for two months. (Necker is in the British Virgin Islands.) But a little white lite, so he can hobnob with the rich and powerful, ignoring his responsibilities as parent, startup founder, and spiritual leader of a social movement? That's the worldly Wales we've ungrudgingly come to admire. Go to Necker, Jimbo — carbon offsets be damned!

KarenUhOh's new line beats the original, Albino Pirate Captures Wench, Dazed Young Woman Stands By And Smiles.

Well, a good source tells us so. But hard evidence backs up our tipster. Newsom's public schedule notes the normally mayor had no public events. San Francisco supervisor Sean Elsbernd filled in as acting mayor. And I got a somewhat exasperated spokeswoman in his office to confess, finally, that Newsom was out of the country over the weekend.

Last year, Newsom claimed that he isn't particularly close to Page or Brin. And here he is going to Page's wedding. A politician lying? Shocking.

(Photo by Steve Jennings/WireImage.com)

That's former U.S. Vice President and current Google "senior advisor" Al Gore, who has a previous engagement in Oslo, Norway that weekend — he's receiving the Nobel Peace Prize. ("Larry Page allowed that, on the list of excuses, that was acceptable," Gore told the Chronicle.) Gore is hoping to attend via videoconferencing, destroying any pretense of this being a high-society soirée —Necker's going to be Nerd Island for the weekend.

Virgin Mobile, unlike the big carriers, rents a wireless network rather than owning one, essentially gussying up and reselling Sprint's service under its own name. It's a challenging business model, known in the trade as being a "mobile virtual network operator" or "MVNO." Disney and Amp'd, among others, have failed to make a go of it.

Renting one's network means lower capital costs, and according to the Wall Street Journal, Virgin has 4.83 million subscribers and actually made a small profit this year. Virgin Mobile has plenty of revenue, but with a flat IPO today and loads of debt, it is unclear if it can make itself into a viable company.

Disney Mobile shut down last month and Amp'd burned through hundreds of millions of dollars with nothing to show for it. History does not look good for Virgin, but with strong name recognition among their target market and clever advertising, we don't put it past Sir Richard to succeed where others have failed.

(Photo by AP/Jacques Brinon)