"Snooki's Getting Married" is the headline in In Touch Weekly, the tabloid you buy when the supermarket is out of People, Us Weekly, Star, National Enquirer, and even OK!. Except there is absolutely no truth to it.

It's summertime, so let's harvest some locally-grown, organic outrage. A Michigan woman is facing up to 93 days in jail for planting a vegetable garden in her own front yard.

Facebook has been taking heat for letting kids under 13 use Facebook. So, people should be absolutely freaking out about this four-month-old fetus whose parents signed her up on Facebook and friended dozens of people.

Guess whose turn it is now to accept a fat welfare check from the world of conservative publishing imprints? It's Donald Trump's turn, naturally! The skinny-mouthed death hologram has signed on with Regnery Publishing — the folks behind bestsellers from Michelle Malkin, David Limbaugh, Laura Ingraham, and whoever else…

Brandon Davies, star center for BYU's nationally-ranked basketball team, has been suspended for the rest of the season for breaking the Mormon school's honor code by having pre-marital sex. Davies apologized to his team this week. But the only thing he has to be sorry about is that he didn't pick a better school.

This Saturday, Manchester City will play Manchester United, in soccer. Total combined cost that both teams paid for all their players: $850 million. Most expensive ballgame in history. And Manchester is not even a big (or attractive) city. [WSJ]

Pedestrian deaths increased in 2010, and it was Michelle Obama's fault. This is what we're learning today! Specifically: Maybe if Michelle Obama's anti-obesity campaign wasn't urging people to exercise regularly, cars would hit them less often?

The National Enquirer knows why President Obama is "scary skinny": He's "secretly battling stomach parasites." Worms slurping at the lining of your stomach: hot new D.C. diet craze! We hear Joe Biden swears by the festering maggot cleanse. [Previously]

China's beef with the Nobel Committee over its selection of dissident Liu Xiaobo for this year's Peace Prize has turned comical, with the government creating its own "Confucius Peace Prize," which will go to Taiwan's former VP this week.

The Venezuelan leader, or @chavezcandanga, signed up to Twitter two weeks ago, calling the service "a weapon that also needs to be used by the revolution." He already has more than 240,000 followers. And now he has Tweetstaff.

Jerry Schweighart, the Mayor of Champaign, a city of 75,000 people, was asked what he thinks of Barack Obama. The President of the United States of America. "I don't think he's American, personally," he responded.

Defies belief. Until you realize record companies are ridiculously out of touch, scared and would much rather get back to selling 12-inch vinyl from record stores and snorting expense-account coke with bands in hotel suites like the old days. [BoingBoing]

Newsday reporter Rocco Parascandola either drew the short straw at the assignment desk yesterday, or he sincerely believes that a five-year-old's opinion on the graffiti menace is worth 700 words. A mouthy little law-and-order kindergartener on Long Island got so worked up by an earlier Newsday story on taggers that…