It's rare to find a job that offers a pension nowadays. And those that already had entire careers that promised them pensions—well, your outlook is almost as bad as someone with no pension at all.

Where were you on that fateful September day when America's innocence was lost? Never forget: 9-5-11, when Soulja Boy said a shitty freestyle line that was disrespectful to the U.S. Army. Will we ever heal?

Today marks the launch of the new Adweek, the muddled vision of new editor Michael Wolff. We shall finally get the answer to the question, "What happens when you put an attention-addict media columnist in charge of an advertising trade magazine, for some weird reason?"

A letter from the Hipster Grifter's cellmate in her Utah jail. Would that be too much, in terms of "Wringing every last ounce from this mystifyingly popular story?" What about a Kari Ferrell pornography job offer? EH? You want it!

Hahaha: Incompetent, litigious superflack Ronn [sic] Torossian is suing a rival for $20 million for calling him a douchebag, on the internet! Hahahaha! This is my favorite story of the holiday season:

South America is crazy about "The Simpsons," Fox's funny cartoon for grown-ups. Who knew? And the countries down there are apparently very sensitive to any perceived historical inaccuracies in the satirical show, no matter how obvious the joke. Citizens of Argentina are outraged over an episode in which Lenny and…