Talk radio and Fox conservatives fear-monger to keep their audience coming back. But a happy unintended consequence of constantly telling your followers that the nation is heading off the cliff is that it attracts advertisers who depend on stupid, ill-informed, terrified consumers. Like shady firms that sell gold! So: suddenly Glenn Beck's post-apocalyptic survival tips include amassing vast stores of gold, which you can purchase (at a massively inflated above-market price, of course) from Beck sponsor Goldline!

Here is a quote from a remarkably forthcoming Beck advertiser:

Peter Epstein, president of Merit Financial Services, which advertises on Beck's show, says gold retailers expect favorable coverage from commentators on whose shows they pay to advertise. "You pay anybody on any network and they say what you pay them to say," said Epstein. "They're bought and sold."

Yes. Well. But some people are not happy with their purchases:

In one such complaint, Mary Sisak of New Castle, Pa., wrote in August that she contacted Goldline because she saw a television ad featuring Beck, and online endorsements from Levin and Thompson. After spending $5,000 on Swiss Francs, Mary said she learned she could have purchased the same number of coins for $1,600 less.

"How could I be mislead by Glenn Beck, Fred Thompson and Marvin [sic] Levin?" she wrote.

I don't know, Mary. I just don't know.

Time Inc.'s PayMeNow program offers its freelancers the option of taking a discount to be paid in a timely fashion, as opposed to waiting like a sucker for all of the money the company owes them. Our tipster told us that the company's baseline timelag for payments is roughly a month, but it offers a graduated discounted payment plan starting at 25 days for .5% off up to 3 days for 4% off (another Time Inc. freelancer says it actually usually takes 60 or so days to get paid if you don't grease the wheels, which sounds more likely to us).

But Time Inc.'s plan is positively generous compared to NBC Universal's. An iVillage freelancer sent us this contract, which provides two options: NBCU will sit on your invoice for 75 days and pay you what they owe, or pay you in 15 days for a 2.5% discount. "It's just outrageous," the tipster wrote. "Since the internet pays so little for most articles in any case, it's like, do I get my $150 for an article now or when I've forgotten that I even wrote it?"

Some commenters have pointed out that these discount schemes are common for invoicing in the business world. Which makes sense if you're a supplier who's willing to take a hit to get paid faster for a shipment of widgets. But it's a little bit different when you're talking about people's salaries. Here's the NBCU contract. UPDATE: Nielsen Media, which owns the Hollywood Reporter, Billboard, and a bunch of other trades (and is selling them to Lachlan Murdoch), runs a similar scam. According to this BNet story, it's 75 days for full payment or 15 days for a 3% discount, and a tipster confirms that they shop it to their freelancers.

[Photo via Flickr by Brent Moore.]

A tipster forwarded us an e-mail that Time Inc. freelancers got this week from JPMorgan, which administers the company's invoicing. Under the cheery subject heading "Time Inc - Accelerate payments at year end!", it outlined the company's PayMeNow program, whereby you can speed up payment of your invoice for a fee, kind of like when you get a payday loan at the check cashing place down on the corner so you can afford to buy lottery tickets for the week. Here's how it works, according to the JPMorgan web site that handles the program:

Pay Me Now

Pay me now allows you to accelerate payments on approved invoices in exchange for a nominal discount. Click the Pay Me Now button next to an invoice to see a prompt with a confirmation page that presents you with an analysis of the early payment opportunity. Included in the analysis is the earliest possible payment date and the associated discount amount.

If you choose to actually get all the money Time Inc. owes you, our tipster says, you usually get it within a month. But if you want it faster, here is the payment schedule—on the left are the number of days you have to wait to get paid, on the right is the portion Time Warner will skim off the top for the service.

• 25 days - 0.5 percent
• 20 - 1 percent
• 15 - 1.5 percent
• 10 - 2 percent
• 5 - 3 percent
• 3 - 4 percent

No word yet on whether the payments are in dollars or "Time Incgots" redeemable at your nearest company store.

Given how desperate freelancers are to be PAID NOW, largely because companies like Time Inc. never pay them on time, this is a pretty genius idea. In fact, if you take it to its logical conclusion, Time could just pay its freelances nothing instantly, thereby significantly reducing its content costs.

Here's the full e-mail urging Time Warner's freelancers to take advantage of this amazing offer!

Happy Holidays!

If you are receiving this email, you are the JPMorgan Xign administrator and you, or someone from your organization, is submitting electronic invoices or receiving electronic payments via the JPMorgan Xign solution on behalf of Time Inc. I apologize for the blind distribution but I wanted to protect everyone's privacy while sharing this important information.

As year end approaches I wanted to ensure that you were aware of the PayMeNow functionality, which allows you to _accelerate payment for invoices that have already been approved_ by TIME. This is an excellent tool to help with your cash management at year end! This does not change your payment term on future invoices, it simply accelerates the payment on the ones you specifically request.

* If you are receiving this email, it means you have approved invoices that are pending payment and can be accelerated for payment this week or any day before year end. *

* *

This is a purely optional service that is available to you by following these easy steps:

1) Log into your JPMorgan Xign account at xign.net.

2) Look for the green $$ and click the link.

3) This will display all available invoices

4) Either select the fastest date to be paid, or select "Lower rates" to schedule payment later in the month, but still before your year end.

Thanks very much and please let me know if you have additional questions related to cash acceleration. For all other inquires, please contact our Support Team at 800 485 XXXX.

Sincerely,

Linda Piazza

JPMorgan

Vice President, Relationship Management

[Photo via Flickr by Taber Andrew Bain.]

The short version: "EIC...(Unpaid)." As our tipster wrote, "Are you fucking kidding me?" Sadly, no. Apply now!

EIC for Upcoming HIV/AIDS Online Magazine (Unpaid)
Job/Internship type:
Freelance
Company/Publication Name:
HIV/AIDS Online Magazine
Location:
—
Description:

The EIC will head the editorial department of a upcoming HIV/AIDS online
magazine. The mission of the online publication is to improve the quality
of life of those who are affected, infected, or are at high risk of
contracting HIV/AIDS.

Qualifications:
- Strong communication, interpersonal & leadership skills
- Extensive experience as a writer or editor
- Commitment to HIV/AIDS prevention and awareness

Roles & Responsibilities:
- Lead editorial board meetings online.
- The EIC's responsible for choosing writers to contribute to the
publication.
- Serve as "the face" of the publication by speaking with the press
and attending conferences.
- Oversee the publication's complete process from pitch submission to
article publication.

[Pic via]

Companies these days love to sell you their crap by assuring you that simply by purchasing their crap you are not just purchasing crap—you are actually doing good. In fact, if you don't purchase their crap, you likely suffer from a severe moral defect. Furthermore, your mundane purchasing choices are now decisions of great moral import. And they define who you are, as a person. Do you buy your mutt Pedigree® brand dog food, to support pet adoption? Or Milk Bone® brand dog snacks, to give canine companions to people in wheelchairs? If you're a good person, buy both! How can you spurn either cause by failing to buy the associated consumer product? Both of them are so fucking good.

Failing to purchase Milk Bones is tantamount to walking (jerk) right up to this wheelchair-bound man and killing his dog. Failing to buy Dawn dish soap is no different from hunting down a snow white baby seal, dousing him in crude oil, and shooting anyone who tries to clean off his soft, beautiful fur.

These companies are not fucking around any more, America. They have brought out the baby seals. That means no marketing tactic is too mawkish; no advertising icon is too cliched; no leap of logic is too grand. We must warn you, the consumer: This slope is as slippery as the grease-soaked coat of an otter in Valdez. Want to help some good cause? Buy the fucking store brand. Save money. Give that money to charity. You give these companies one nickel and we'll all be seeing baby seal logos on every fucking thing until we just throw up.

[Also, America? Stop buying those "Herbal Remedies." They're fake. God. ]

Turns out they're all beset by alcoholic tremors. Oh, mercy!
[Copyranter]

An eagle-eyed internet dating tipster forwarded us these screenshots which are incontrovertible proof that Kari Ferrell's twin sister is operating (as a grifter???) in Detroit, as we speak! "The First Things People Usually Notice About Me: My chest piece and my sweet sense of fashion."

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.She also had these familiar pics on her profile, in case you thought this was all an amazing coincidence. Somebody please date her and ask her how her unfortunate resemblance to a criminal has impacted her life.
The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.
The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.

Luisa Borges lives in Rio and has a Twitter account with the handle "luisacb." And "Luisacb" is currently the "lucky" high bidder on the Huffpo internship "opportunity."

And there's more evidence! Luisacb is also the current high bidder—$18,000—for another item from the very same charity auction: "You'll Be Saying "Ahhhhh" When You Vist the Set of House , Meet the Entire Cast and Take Home Hugh Laurie's Signed Iconic Cane."

Well we certainly would be saying 'Ahhhh' if we swallowed such an offer, eh? More evidence: Luisa Borges, on Twitter, loves House so much that she sends Tweets to the cast members! She's a superfan! Who else would pay $18K for Hugh Laurie's fucking cane? It all makes sense!

Except the HuffPo thing. That shit is just lunacy. Luisa, please email us and explain yourself at once.

The Flat One gave a speech to the "Bay Area Air Quality Management District" last week, and charged his normal fee, $75,000, which also includes a chance for some of the attendees to ask him questions (regarding ice cream preferences only). So then a motherfucking poor media critic at the LA Times gets all pissy and starts asking questions about whether this is "good" or "fair" or whatever and then they discover hey, the NYT doesn't even let you give paid speeches to lobbying groups like that, and now Tommy has to give back the money!

Do you think Thomas Friedman likes to fly to the West Coast on an airplane and ride in a taxi and stay in a hotel, for free? That's three columns worth of material for him, but no, he does not like to do it for fucking free. Sprawling suburban mega-mansions aren't fucking free.

[LAT]

According to new figures from a UK police group which you should believe as much as you believe police groups, Brits are paying more than ever, for crap:

Prices per kilo have risen from £39,000 in 2008 to over £45,000 (50,000 euros), but street prices have remained stable.

However, new figures obtained by the BBC suggest almost a third of police seizures are now less than 9% pure, the lowest recorded purity level.

Investing in coke and wasting 90 cents on the dollar on baking soda is even worse than finance stocks.
[BBC]

LV's little "boutique" next to the Murakami exhibit in LA sold handbags and limited edition prints and such. But now a guy is suing LV, because he found out that his $6,000 print was—wait for it—leftover handbag fabric, that was just stretched on a frame and mounted.

The point of installing a boutique inside the "Copyright Murakami" exhibition at MOCA's Geffen Contemporary building was to highlight the Japanese pop artist's trademark blurring of the lines between art and commerce, MOCA officials said at the time of the 2007-08 show. But Arthur contends that selling repurposed handbag material as 500 collectible art prints priced at $6,000 and $10,000 crossed the line from commerce to fraud because Louis Vuitton allegedly hid the fact that the prints were made from the same fabric sheets as the Murakami-designed bags and accessories selling nearby for almost $1,000.

Bwahahaha. Here's the line between art and commerce: Art is ripping you off ten times more! This whole "Art as luxury materialism" embrace is just blech, so no tears for any asshole who dropped 10K on LV fabric laid out in a frame. Let's pretend this was all an object lesson in the perils of luxury fixation.
And that shit is ugly.
[LAT. Pic via]

His flacks are offering sponsorship of the party's VIP room—including naming rights!—for a mere $25,000. Let's hope Ex-Lax goes for that buy. They're also selling naming rights to the whole party for an undisclosed sum. It's a bargain at any price! The pitch claims that a single mention on Perez's site reaches more than 300 million people—more than the entire population of the US, in other words.

Yea.

Below is the entire "deck" they're sending around trying to sell this year's Perez party—last year's event was so star-studded, how could you resist? Half a billion "media impressions!" You'd be crazy not to pay to associate your brand, in the midst of a recession, with this...stuff:

This is, to some extent, what all news organizations do. Even the AP, those tiny local paper-reading-then-rewriting scamps! Much of newsgathering consists of reading all your competitors' stories and going from there. If you can't think of a new angle on the story, it's called "following up," usually with no credit given; if you can find a new angle, it's considered a totally new story, definitely without credit given.

Obviously you can't let some crappy knockoff copy and paste your stories and present them as their own (this happens to us sometimes!). But recognize this is much more about the letter of the law than the spirit of it. All journalism outfits are thieves! Just tell people where you stole your stuff from. How hard is that? [This story we stole from THR, Esq]

For the fornicators:

For the gays:

Can we just nip this whole spinoff trend in the bud?

It also stars Eric McCormack from Will & Grace! Trust Me is brought to you by a pair of real life ad industry veterans, so you know it's good. It replaces Mad Men's smoky 1950's vibe with a modern-day "top-ranked Chicago ad agency," staffed by, among others, the guys who were on Will & Grace and Ed.

You may recall that NBC tried to rip off The Sopranos with a miniseries called Kingpin, which, you know, did not go down as an all time classic. Using another show as a peg like that is a great way to sell an idea, but doesn't guarantee it'll be any good. I used to think that this was because HBO allowed sex and cussing and networks didn't, so network shows would always be inferior. But Mad Men is on AMC, so maybe there's a mysterious "actual talent" element at work here. Also, they make up for the lack of nudity with copious smoking. In any case here's a preview clip of the guys from Trust Me; the Draper-like sexiness fairly oozes from their pores:

"What do you get for the money? Reclining chairs decked out in suede, a personal attendant, and the chance to see the same movie that's playing at the local cineplex for a 350% markup"

The menu includes gourmet black truffle arancini, chickpea croquettes with light tahini sauce, and mini corn crab cakes with chili lime mayo. Additionally, you and your date—no doubt soon to be bedmate—can enjoy a lovely pinot while watching Space Chimps.

[O.C. Weekly]