Los Angeles freelancer Rebecca DiLiberto, needs your backstory, so she can determine your authenticity, and judge you. We approve. (via @felixsalmon).

Writer and consultant Peter Feld apparently went hunting for Joe Halderman's "View Extortion Victims" link. And almost found himself.

Actor John Larroquette is thinking about "small feet, long hair." We're not going to try and unlock this particular riddle, because it could easily ruin our weekend.

California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger held an event today that was once an actual scene in West Wing, in which Jed Bartlet has a nightmare about a dystopian future version of California and awakens in a cold sweat.

If we all tweeted our Tina Fey dreams, actor Danny Masterson, that's all Twitter would be. Come on.

Did you witness the media elite tweet something indiscreet? Please email us your favorite tweets - or send us more Twitter usernames.

David Crosby claims the only thing bigger than Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young was the genitalia Rob Lowe's nanny coveted.

Eureka! Polish up this year's Nobel — the revelations continue after the jump!

In a declaration filed in the case of Laura Boyce — the former Lowe nanny who claims she was sexually harassed — Crosby claims he went to Hawaii last year and spent some time with the Lowes and Boyce. He claims during the trip, Boyce "stated on several occasions that she only dates 'black guys' because of their 'c**ks.'"

In another declaration, Heather Melchiori, another friend of the Lowes, says last year, while having lunch with Sheryl Lowe, "Laura began bragging about the size of her boyfriend's penis. Laura said that her boyfriend was an African American athlete." She add that Laura bragged that "her boyfriend's penis was 'the second largest black c**k in the NBA.'" And for good measure, Melchiori adds it was so big, Laura "had to wear a 'life saver' so that his penis didn't 'rip her p***y apart."

"Rip her party apart?" That doesn't even make sense! So case closed and theory proven — thanks, David!

• David Crosby — Lowe Nanny Liked It Big and Black [TMZ]

As TMZ reports, Cook "broke down crying after getting grilled on the stand...[and] admitted he masturbated in front of a web cam and frequented escort, porn and swinger sites, all while married to Brinkley." Cook also unleashed a salty waterfall of tears while 'fessing up to a $300k extortion scam gone awry, in which he gradually donated large sums of money to his then-18-year old mistress' Get Rich By Boinking Celebrities fundraiser by stashing cash under rocks and other office decor. But the most grim allegation came from Brinkley's lawyer, who claims her prepubescent son Jack (from an earlier marriage) stumbled across nudie pics of "young girls" on Cook's computer. Which must have surely aided the kid's expected progression towards following Billy Joel on the path towards future wives young enough to be his daughter.

[Photo credit: Wireimage]

• BRINKLEY'S EX - A REAL JERK-OFF [TMZ]

• The Daily Mail takes a nice long look at why Jodie Foster left her lesbian partner of 15 years, and sets the stage with his description of lesbian Los Angeles: "the words 'mid-life crisis' were heard being whispered over expensively whipped hot drinks and wholemeal muffins in fashionable coffee shops across Hollywood." (Photo via Daily Mail)
• Page Six would like you to please be outraged that this hedge fund manager is unable to renew his Knicks season tickets because they were in Tom Brokaw's name. What's outrageous is that there isn't a phone recording or something where we can listen to the plutocrat lose his precious seats. [P6]
• Kirsten Dunst said she did not check into the no-doubt-pricey Cirque Lodge rehab facility in Utah over drugs, but instead went there to cure her depression. Her depression about being out of drugs, maybe? [E!]
• Rob Lowe's ex-nannies are pissed that the actor is no longer suing his ex-chef, because now maybe the chef will testify against them in their sexual harassment case. Lowe had accused the chef of having sex with strangers in his bed and stealing from his medicine cabinet, but apparently it was all just "a big mistake." Just your run-of-the-mill false accusation.
• I'm trying to imagine thousands of French people shouting "Are you talkin' to ME?!" at Robert De Niro. [P6]
• Always, always bear in mind "the violent propensity of the inebriated Eddie Griffin." [TMZ]
• Woody Harrelson is going to starve himself for 40 days on a remote island in order to "see how it affects his brain." [Hollyscoop]

"As a mother of two young boys, it is sickening and disgusting that Mrs. Allred and Ms. Boyce would stoop so low as to drag a child into this latest, baseless, predatory lawsuit. To falsely attack my husband is one thing, to attack me is another, but to do this to our son reveals not only their lack of character, but how far they are willing to go to play the "lawsuit lotto".

The rest of the statement continues after the jump:

"The charges against me are lies meant to embarrass and humiliate. I find it deeply offensive the false allegation that I would use racially insensitive comments. I'm certain that my dearest and longtime friend, and godfather to my children, Marcus Allen would beg to differ with their charges. We do not see color in my household; my children do not see color. It deeply saddens me that I even have to explain this to my children. These false allegations are made all the more painful because our family has been betrayed by a woman we welcomed into our home and treated like family. Laura Boyce was physically abused by a man with whom she was having a relationship. I had to take her to the emergency room once, and advised her that she had to be more careful about the men she dated, and that she was running with the wrong crowd. We are shocked that she has now chosen to destroy our right to peace, quiet, and privacy."

• TheInsiderOnline.com

Among the allegations against Sheryl:

- Walking around naked, completely exposing herself to Boyce.

- Asking Boyce about the size of Boyce's boyfriend's penis.

- Asking questions about how she could have sex with Boyce's boyfriend, given his 7' height (he's a former NBA player).

- Using her forearm to gesture the size of Boyce's boyfriend's penis.

- Once saying "laughingly that her husband's (Rob) cockrings were broken," allegedly showing them to Boyce.

- Telling Boyce about her sex life with Rob.

- Talking about the size of her children's penises.

- After Boyce allegedly phoned to say she wasn't coming to work because she was sick, Sheryl allegedly screamed Boyce "got strep throat from sucking ni***r d**k. I mean black d**k."

It goes without saying that there exists a wide range of comfort levels one might enjoy with the household staff, and that not all of the help will share your enthusiasm for the Spanish-cedar humidor containing a prized collection of your husband's damaged cockrings. Still, these are some very serious allegations indeed; regardless of the case's outcome, the Lowes will forever be tainted by Boyce's ugly accusations, the phrase, "How about a baby's arm holding an apple?" echoing through our heads every time the couple appears at a Hollywood function.

[Photo: Getty Images]

• Nanny Claims Rob Lowe's Wife Sexual Harasser [TMZ]

• Tyra Banks ended the Miley Cyrus controversy, issuing the following fatwa on The View: "She is a 15-year-old, and I just wish everybody would leave her alone!" Follow this edict or Tyra will claw your eyes out, then stab you, then set you on fire, all using only her tightly-controlled stare of rage. [Showbiz Spy]
• The Jennifer Aniston/John Mayer thing may be, horrifically, an ongoing concern. [Egotastic]
• Britney Spears will get to spend Mother's Day with her kids. Also, ex-husband Kevin Federline calls Spears his "lady," and Spears says "I love you" at end of phone calls with him. [Sun]
• Madonna repeatedly and unsuccessfully invited Justin Timberlake to discover her Wardrobe Malfunction over the course of several agonizing minutes. [Daily Mail]
• Wait, so now Rob Lowe's wife sexually harassed their supposedly extortionate nanny? And a cock ring is involved? [TMZ]

According to Gibson, Lowe was quite the rascal. In her lawsuit, she is alleging that the actor "put his hand down her pants" several times over the course of two and a half years. And late last year, he pulled the switcheroo and grabbed her butt. And just in case these moves weren't getting the point across sufficiently, Gibson claims Lowe "repeatedly exposed himself," just like a proper after hours flasher. But the bigger question, as Meredith Vieira pointed out this morning, is why Gibson would continue working for the Lowe family if the man of the house was as pervy as she says? Apparently it's hard out there for a nanny. She "needed the job," and as her lawyer points out, she finally left after all those years without a single prospect! If that isn't proof in the pudding, we don't know what is.

• FORMER NANNY: ROB LOWE EXPOSED HIMSELF TO ME [People]

• WATCH VIDEO

• Ashlee Simpson confirmed she is planning to marry fellow musician Pete Wentz. [Sun]
• Whitney Houston's boy toy Ray-J, 27, is taunting the pop diva's ex Bobby Brown:"Is that your wife, is that your shorty, well I'm her boyfriend . . . I think the problem is you don't beat it right . . . Making love is cool, just pull her hair sometimes." Use of the verb "beat" is wrong in so many ways, here. [P6]
• Relapsed addict Pat O'Brien the only person in the world who wants his old job hosting "The Insider," so he gets it. [P6]
• Prince got paid close to $5 million to perform at the Coachella music festival. [Perez]
• Sean Penn is reconciling with his wife Robin Wright Penn. The actor even dedicated a song to her, at a Pearl Jam concert, because he is 14 years old. [OK!]
• Rob Lowe's former nanny withstands the actor's withering HuffPo blog post, stands by story. [OK!]

"A former employee is demanding my wife Sheryl and I pay her $1.5 million by the end of the week or she will accuse us both of a vicious laundry list of false terribles."

Lowe goes on to print text messages from the nanny detailing her gushy "I Quit" notice to Lowe's wife Sheryl, in which she states "I have nothing bad 2 say about your family." Not according to Lowe, who says she is claiming Lowe "sexually harrassed" her and hoped he would divorce the "abusive" Sheryl. And while this 26-page accusation certainly deserves center stage, Lowe's lawyer has two other juicy suits to deal with: one against a former chef who Lowe says had sex in his bed and stole medicine from the cabinets, and yet a third suit against another nanny who is accused of spreading crazy lies about the couple and talking dirty in front of the kids. After all this grumbling, we're wondering if Lowe should put the past behind him and simply start hiring his staff through a different employment agency.

[Photo Credit: Wireimage]

• HOUSEHOLD BETRAYAL [HuffPo]
• ROB LOWE SUES THREE EX-EMPLOYEES IN EXTORTION CLAIM [People]

• Rob Lowe sued two former nannies and a former chef after saying one nanny tried to extort $1.5 million from him. The nanny basically accused the movie and TV star of hitting on her, while Lowe denied it and said the nanny was stalky. The second nanny supposedly plotted to spread lies of some sort about Lowe and his wife. The chef allegedly stole drugs from the medicine cabinet and had sex in Lowe's bed. You know, there may be a remote possibility that Lowe is a poor judge of character. [People]
• British Airways did it: they banned Naomi Campbell from their planes, presumably for life, for her tantrum at Heathrow. The model's rep said she had been flying the airline for 30 years and "she hopes this can be resolved amicably," which of course means an unrepentant Campbell is on the verge of a kill-crazy rampage if she doesn't get her way, sort of like in No Country For Old Men but with a cellphone instead of an air gun. [Showbiz Spy]
• Britney Spears' dad is pimping her out to sell Danish furniture and maybe go on a $100 million comeback tour.
• Paris Hilton, who is trying to sell shoes, has some nasty, size 11, feet. They sport at least one big ugly corn, probably from kicking small, discarded animals. [Daily Mail]
• Chace Crawford of Gossip Girl has moved on from co-star Carrie Underwood to co-star Michelle Trachtenberg. How convenient for publicity! [P6]
• Stella McCartney, daughter of Paul, hugged Yoko Ono at the funeral for a longtime Beatles business manager. [Daily Mail]
• Actress Kirsten Dunst is out of rehab, flirting. [P6]
• Dirty old BayWatch star Pamela Anderson stripped for dirty old Playboy chief Hugh Hefner on his 82nd birthday. She's also getting her own show on E!.
• California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger got really upset about how UCLA Medical Center staff peeked at the medical files of stars like Britney Spears. He and his wife Maria Shriver use the medical center. Not that he has anything he's trying to keep quiet. Just "heart surgery or hip surgery, shoulder surgery, all of those things." [E!]
• The Golden Girls are switching networks, from Lifetime to Hallmark Channel, assuming none of them breaks a hip during the move. [Perez]
• Rosie O'Donnell fears Mexico and black helicopters. Someone writes in to the comedian's Q&A section, "AMERO?!?! One step closer to One World Currency... Kinda scarey [sic]." Rosie writes, "yes." [Ask ro]

Lowe's shot appeared to hit the bird in flight and landed about 50 yards short of the green. As the rest of the players in his group — including Iowa athletic director Gary Barta — broke out in laughter and applause, the 43-year-old actor raised his arms in mock celebration.

"This is my birdie," Lowe said after examining the fallen bird, which was on the ground and not moving as his group walked toward the green.

"That's unbelievable," Lowe said as he walked onto hole No. 6. "Who comes here and kills the state bird? Only me."

Lowe might not have realized just how apropos his "birdie" joke was, as legend has it that an ornithological offing was precisely what gave the one-under-par score its nickname in the first place. Still, while his ability to self-deprecatingly make light of a freak tragedy is probably enough to satisfy Iowa preservationists, Hollywood's far more militant PETA factions are considerably more difficult to assuage. The actor might want to make some phone calls to see if he can get a Goldfinch Memorial Celebrity Golf Tournament underway, unless he'd rather see a series of "ROB LOWE: BIRDKILLER" billboards popping up around town, featuring the disturbing image of a Lowe lookalike gleefully taking a nine-iron to a cardboard crate full of fuzzy, adorable hatchlings.

• Actor-turned-golfer Rob Lowe 'kills state bird' [DesMoinesRegister.com via ShakedownSports]

In today's episode: Katie Holmes; Paris and Nicky Hilton, Rob and Chad Lowe, Larry King, Tommy Lasorda, Jason Bateman and Jeffrey Tambor; Kiefer Sutherland; Chris Martin; Sarah Chalke; Mr. T; Eric Dane; Virginia Madsen; Chris Richardson and Phil Stacey; Nicole Richie; Bobby Brown; Cybill Shepherd and Lisa Loeb; Rip Taylor; Gilbert Gottfried; Billy Drago; Mitchell Musso, Emily Osment, Miley Cyrus, Adrienne Bailon, Kiely Williams and Sabrina Bryan.

· At freaking 6:30 a.m. today (Tuesday, 4/24) saw the Bride of Xenu herself, Katie Holmes, with the baby and a rather un-threatening-looking handler, at the L.A. Flower Market. Buying flowers. Rather pathetically, recognized the baby first, because she is the spitting image of Tom Cruise. I thought it was a little weird that there was no real bodyguard because that place is crawling with crackheads peeing in the street that early in the ayem, but there you go - she's not afraid of nuthin! One of the market workers told me she sees them there all the time and that she thinks Katie likes to 'get away.' Hmm.

· 4/24 Dodgers vs. SF Giants game:

* Paris & Nicky Hilton with 2 unknown guys. Paris was in a baseball tee, hat & pigtails. Nicky was in a black jacket. Paris got booed by the entire Dodger Stadium when the cameras showed her on the jumbo screen. That's hot!

* Rob & Chad Lowe. They were pretty much into the game & talked to each other the whole time; left at the bottom of the 8th, just like us. Rob shook Paris' hand on the way out.

* Larry King w/ wife & kid [and Hispanic bodyguard]. He was wearing a Chicago White Sox jacket?!?! Was he lost?

* Tommy Lasorda, sitting alone w/ a 3 seat buffer around him.

· saw jason bateman and jeffrey tambor at the Dodgers vs. San Francisco Giants game wednesday 4/25. we had fantastic seats behind home plate, second tier. bateman and tambor enjoyed the game and seemed deep in discussion thru most of the later innings. nice guys, i looked on from time to time as they casually ignored the overly enthusiastic play by plays the guys behind them waged. they left at the beginning of the 9th, - a good call as the dodgers couldn't quite pull back from barry bond's amazing first up to bat homer. go dodgers!

· Dresden Room, Thursday April 26: Kiefer Bukowski Sutherland walked in with a posse and caroused for a few hours. Elayne (of Marty and Elayne) introduced me to him, and he apologized to me for being drunk, which was very polite and unnecessary. Then she asked him about his new ab machine and he said he liked it, and invited her to touch his abs through his nice black shirt. I watched this happen and then I could not help but say, "I want to touch Kiefer's abs," and...the machine appears to be working.

Mr. Sutherland clearly loves Marty and Elayne, who are the absolute tits, so he's tits with me. And abs.

· 4/20 - chris martin coming through backdoor at arclight presumably for hot fuzz screening
- 4/20 - scrubs' dr. elliot reid (aka - sarah chalke) double-dating at The Bowery

· I was doing some late morning grocery shopping on Sunday at the Sherman Oaks Ralphs (Ventura and Hazeltine,) and had a chance encounter with one of my favorite childhood heroes. While pushing my cart in the direction of the booze aisle (nothing cures a Saturday night hangover better!), my path was blocked by a stocky man in a camouflage hat. He was sniffing daiquiri candles. I piped up with a polite, sweet "Excuse me, please" and he turned quickly and said "Oh, I'm so sorry. Very sorry." And as he moved his cart, I saw that it was the one and only B.A. Barracus - Mr. T!!! I'm not sure if he was really sorry about being in my way or about being caught smelling daiquiri candles. Either way, he seemed like a nice guy who just happens to enjoy a pleasant fruity scent.

I was sad that I didn't have my "Mr. T In Your Pocket" keychain on hand to compare to the real thing.

· Tues 4/24 circa 6pm: Saw none other than Grey's Anatomy hunk Eric Dane at arguably the gayest gym in the land, Crunch on Sunset. We think he was working out with another actor, but the clucking hens of Crunch couldn't decipher who it was. The good doctor and his friend seemed to be doing their hetero best to avoid mingling with the WeHo gym bunnies. And they were working out in jeans. Seriously. Who does that? But dude is stacked. And was looking sorta sinister. But in a sexy way.

· I saw Virginia Madsen at the California Pizza Kitchen in Thousand Oaks. She was with her son and another woman. She was much smaller than I imagined her (5'3" or so) her skin looked sun damaged and and her ensemble was a little frumpy-ish. She could have been any soccer mom (assuming you average soccer mom didn't show her magnificent rack in "Hotspot" with Don Johnson!)

· Saw American Idol hopefuls Chris Richardson and Phil Stacey (along with some girl) entering the Best Buy in WeHo (Santa Monica & La Brea) last Saturday (4/21). I would have said something to them if I thought either had a chance in hell of winning. But still, maybe I should have at least told Chris that it's hard enough tolerating ONE Justin Timberlake.

· Saw Nicole Richie with a Paris-type replacement friend about 5 minutes ago (4-24) at the Coffee Bean on SM Blvd., in the middle of WeHo. A herd of stalkarazzi was camped outside, awaiting her departure. She looked cute, but thin.

· (4/23) After leaving Bird's eatery on Franklin Blvd. in Los Feliz I had one of my more guilty pleasure celeb sightings: Bobby Brown jaywalking (his least punishable offense in over a decade) arm in arm with an attractive, young woman. He had on a black hat and sunglasses and was appropriately "grimacey" and "hardcore" as he led the woman in between cars waiting at the traffic light.

· Seated in the back I'm-with-the-Band party of eight table at Largo during the Colin Hay ("Men at Work") showcase was Cybill Shepherd and Lisa Loeb. Ms. Loeb was very chatty and was caught checking her Blackberry/texting by one of the floor managers who firmly asked her to put it away. Ms. Shepard was really personable and nice, and left early.

· I was at a commercial audition at the Casting Studios on LaBrea today when I see, out of the corner of my eye, a flurry of confetti. It was RIP TAYLOR, leaving the same audition session that I was there for! There are moments every actor remembers in his career.....the first union card, first time on national television, etc., but for this queen, being in the same audition category as Rip Taylor is a new height reached. When I saw him, I yelled, "Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Rip Taylor!" and NO ONE CLAPPED. Out of probably sixty people in the waiting room, no one could give Mister Dollar Ninety-Eight his props. Fucking Philistines.

· Saw Gilbert Gottfried at Le Pain Quotidien in the valley last weekend. He sat at the big communal table and seemed to be working while he ate. He looked very intense. Despite being packed, everybody gave him lots of space

· Today (4/26) I had one of my favorite celeb sightings ever in Billy Drago, Frank Nitti from "The Untouchables" and the star of more crazy B-movies (and "Charmed" episodes) than any Paris Hilton or Leo DiCaprio could ever claim. Sighting was at the West Hollywood Whole Foods where Drago was picking up a basket full of organic cereal. He was friendly to the checker, dressed casually with shaggy silver hair and was on his way into the post office across the street as I drove away. IMDB tells us that he has already made three movies this year (including one playing a character named "The Lady" - hm...) in an obvious attempt to knock Ernie Hudson off the straight-to-video throne. Let's see anyone else from the cast of "Mirror, Mirror III: The Voyeur" top that!

· Saturday 4/21: It was a great day for finding Disney Channel stars...don't know if they're important enough, but whatever.

I was flying out of LAX on Delta to go to a wedding at Disney World. I was getting ready to buy some magazines at the newsstand when I noticed that someone was wearing reindeer or dog print PJ pants (the Fug Girls would be going ballistic). Those pants were being worn by Mitchell Musso (of Hannah Montana)...later on Emily Osment (Haley Joel's sis) sat next to my BF and started using her laptop and talking to Mitchell. They went surprisingly unnoticed despite the number of kids in the terminal. Also, when boarding the plane, I saw the Cheetah Girls (Adrienne Bailon, Kiely Williams, and Sabrina Bryan) in their first class seats. Kiely has AMAZING skin.

Other friends flying out of LAX on United sat with Miley Cyrus (AKA Hannah Montana/Billy Ray spawn) on the same day.