This weekend, we learned of two separate robberies attempted by a bunch of men with terrible ideas about what to do while stealing somebody's shit. Here is how not to commit a crime.

Of all the liquor stores, in all the towns, in all the world, this robber had to walk into one that employs a 30-year military vet who did four tours in Iraq and worked as a prison guard, a private eye, and a bounty hunter.

For the past 54 years, grocery store owner Margaretta "Marge" Wolf has held her own against a big-box store encroachment that has left her one of the last remaining mom-and-pop shop operators in her neck of Wisconsin.

He's not always your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man.

Early Saturday morning, a trio of thieves made off with $2 million in jewelry from a Jacob & Co. case in the lobby of Manhattan's Four Seasons Hotel. Although the New York Post insists on identifying the robbers as "slick," this wasn't exactly Ocean's Three.

Over the summer, ten pieces of Cartier jewelry were stolen from the NYC brownstone of professional actress and redhead Julianne Moore. The items were valued at $127,000. No arrests have been made. Luckily, the New York Times' on the scene reporter has rounded up a few suspects.

A Florida robbery may have been prevented if the employee of the targeted store had not been kind enough to lend the robber a pen.

Last September, outside of an Austin, Texas Sears store, Willie James Sauls snatched a purse off the arm of an 84 year-old woman and fled. That's fucked up. This week, a state district judge sentenced Sauls to 45 years in prison for his crime. That is far more fucked up.

On the mean streets of the gritty city, nothing is as it seems. The welcoming avenues of beautiful Brooklyn host a barely-concealed ecosystem of predators, ready to attack any sign of weakness. The Brooklyn Paper's police blotter offers us the grimmest of lessons, that we may not need to learn the hard way.

The next time you get caught doing something you shouldn't (stealing food off a friend's plate, coveting thy neighbor's wife, etc.) one way you could try to get out of it is by opening your eyes really wide and yelling "Oh, what, what time is it, where am I, oh, man, I was asleep, bro, I was fast asleep and I just…

On Sunday, a 24-year-old Florida woman filed a police report that accused domestic abuser Chris Brown of "snatching" her iPhone from her outside of Miami's Cameo nightclub.

The thing that some people don't understand about crime is that you have to put some thought into it. You can't just run around willy-nilly doing stupid idiot crimes and expect to get rich and famous and live a life of leisure outside the walls of a prison. You have to plan shit. You can't just, you know, steal…

Here's one way to avoid being imprisoned for life on a felony charge: Try to be in jail on a less-serious misdemeanor charge at the same time that the felony crime occurs. This strategy worked for LaDondrell Montgomery, whose armed robbery conviction was just overturned by a Harris County, Texas judge.

This is Anthony Miranda, 24, an enterprising but unlucky young Chicagoan who on Friday learned the hard way that choosing your victim is the most important part of any robbery.

On Thanksgiving Eve, Andri Lynn Jeffers allegedly walked into a northern Arizona gas station and demanded money from the cashier. When he turned Jeffers down, she announced that she had a bomb underneath her sweater and threatened to blow up the place, like how they do on teevee.

first shot in the annual War on Christmas has been fired, and it's not a pretty one: part of a $1,600 Christmas display was stolen from a California home early Tuesday morning. Secularism strikes again!

In case you missed this story from last Friday, it will start your week off on an inspirational note: the security camera video above shows Luis Rosales robbing a Los Angeles hotel—and then running into Brent Alvarez and Billy Denney, two MMA fighters who just arrived in town for a fight tournament. A group hug of…

Old-fashioned "meet me in Union Square and do the Thriller dance"-style flash mobs have been played out for years, although the more recent "big group of teens running around beating everyone's ass, just like they've always done, but with a new, trendier name"-style "flash mobs" are still going strong. And now, in a…