Yesterday we gaev you a preview of Prospect Park West, Sohn's upcoming book about four Brooklyn mommies behaving badly. One of the ladies is Melora, a Hollywood actress who moves to Park Slope, so the narrative is peppered with fake stories about real celebrities. Melora and Hudson fight over a part, Lucy Liu calls Melora a "fucked up woman," Maggie Gyllenhaal is her mortal enemy (her's too?) and Alec Baldwin steals her therapist. Do you think some of them will guest star when Sarah Jessica Parker turns this into a series?

The Post dutifully called the publicists of the celebs involved. Most wouldn't comment, one never heard of the book, and Alec Baldwin's harried publicist, happy that his client didn't call anyone a pig in a voicemail again, says Baldwin doesn't care about Sohn's made-up tales, adding "It doesn't sound like such a good book."

But at least Sohn is fun enough to add a bit of sizzle to her novel. Today the New York Times fills us in on the new trend in chick lit: books with heroines who are weathering the economic meltdown.

Framed as cautionary tales, these books introduce female characters compelled to "face facts, raise funds and watch out for themselves," said Elizabeth Beier, who edited The Summer Kitchen. "They're not just vicariously experiencing other women's getting and spending," she said. "They are taking charge of their own identities; they are actually doing something, and that always makes more involving fiction."

God, that sounds as boring as reading Ruth Madoff's inevitable indictment. We'd much rather read some fake bullshit about famous people than some fake bullshit about the formerly rich trying to turn their lives around. That's why we pick up the Post every morning!

• Madonna regrets breaking up with Guy Ritchie, supposedly. Also, the novelty of dating her A-Rod proxy, Jesus Luz, has worn off, sources say, which is besides all of her Kabbalah friends being like, OY, A GOYIM NAMED JESUS?! Madge, babbeleh, step off it. Anyway, now that Madonna's learning the whole Big Yellow Taxi Theory firsthand, maybe she will stop tearing down trees/divorcing husbands who are probably good for her in the long run and shtupping men who're half her age. Also, getting to write about Madonna and Kabbalah reminds me of this 1998 MTV VMA performance where she did this ridiculous Shanti chant that segued into "Ray of Light." Two things: (1) in retrospect, this moment makes so much sense on the Timeline of Madonna Being Ridiculous as it was clearly kind of an important one and (2) the VMAs, man: they just don't make them like they used to. Watch Lenny Kravtiz get on stage with Madge for "Ray of Light" and come to terms with the fact that you just don't have it in you to be as ridiculous as Madonna. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Star reporter and Star-fucker Kate Major thinks Jon Gosselin needs to be alone right now, and I think Kate Major needs to go to a decompression tank or something. She's the succubus of celebrity reporting.
  
  
• A bunch of Long Island teenagers in Great Neck freaked out and basically shut down a road after they saw Leighton Meester shopping yesterday. They had to, like, call in the SWAT team or something just to keep these kids at bay while Meester perused the racks of a, let's see, a Steven Dann store? Can someone tell me if that's impressive or pedestrian? No offense to Great Neck - okay, offense to Great Neck - but it can't be that impressive if she was shopping in Great Neck. Also: why was she shopping in Great Neck? The only truth to Page Six items is that, like religion and drugs, they only lead to more questions. [Page Six]
  
  
• In what's clearly a Richard Johnson-penned item, Joan Rivers, who's now like 109, hired three security guards to watch over her penthouse apartment "to make sure that guests weren't tempted to swipe any of her tchotchkes." Oy. Paranoia reigns supreme, but then again, Rivers' tchotchkes could probably be sold to the Natural Museum of History, so there's that. [Page Six]
  
  
• Tracy Morgan and his wife are getting a divorce, and hopefully Morgan will remain stable without her, but for some reason, I don't think this is going to happen. Am I the only one on this? [NY Daily News]
  
  
• Sienna Miller told Conan O'Brien that she burned her boobs on the set of G.I. Joe after an explosion went wrong and her bra caught fire. I'm sure this won't encourage the young delinquient masses who're G.I. Joe's sad target audience at all. At. All. [NY Daily News]
  
  
• Fanboys, appreciaite the sacrifice of Robert Downey Jr. He still hates getting in the Iron Man suit, and called it "torture." Most other celebrities I'd be like, psh, whatever, they're getting paid $20M to walk around in an Iron Suit and we can't even see their faces but it's Robert Downey Jr. Former crackheads receive the benefit of the doubt in instances like this. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Gerard Butler's thought about having sex with Jennifer Aniston, and it's like, really? This is an item? Also, dude, you'd be getting John Mayer's Wonderland-esque Body's Sloppy Seconds. And then you'll think about John Mayer's O-Face. And that's about that. Also, is Butler not, like, everywhere lately? Please someone tell me how he likes his eggs because seriously, that's got to be the next item on him. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Robert Pattinson did something in private and People reported on it. [People]
  
  
• Ha. There was a wire profile of Lady Gaga and they didn't mention the rumor about her supposed peener. [Reuters]
  
  
• Shannon Elizabeth and some dude she was dating from one of those dancing shows broke up and Tweeted it. It was amicable, which Twitter obviously wasn't meant for. If you're going to end a relationship on Twitter, you need to make it a holy mess, or else, there's no point. Seriously. Just do the real thing where nobody can see it and live a normal life. [People]

The New York Post's gossip column didn't have much to base its conclusion that Ritchie had given the sleuthing tale a homoerotic backstory except for Downey's quote in the News of the World earlier this year that his Holmes and Law's Watson are "two men who happen to be roommates, wrestle a lot and share a bed. It's bad-ass."

That was apparently enough to put conservative radio host and family-friendly movie critic Michael Medved into a full-blown gay panic. "There's not a seething, bubbling hunger to see straight stars impersonating homosexuals. ... Who is going to want to see Downey Jr. and Law make out? I don't think it would be appealing to women. Straight men don't want to see it."

Well, we got a hold of a copy of a script to see just how gay it is, and to Medved's relief (or secret disappointment?) there're no scenes of Holmes and Watson going Brokeback. Our version is dated March 18, 2008, so it may not be the final, final revision. But the only explicit sex mentioned is a half-naked post-coital shot of Downey and Rachel McAdams in bed. That doesn't mean, of course, that Ritchie didn't direct his actors to give the Holmes-Watson dynamic some sexual tension. Here's the script's gayest moment — a scene that comes early in the movie when Watson tells Holmes that he's getting married. I could see how it could be played gay, but be your own judge.

Click images for a larger, more legible version

• Nicholas Cage is being chased by authorities for over $6-million in back taxes they say that he owes. This would seemingly explain why he's been selling off so many of his real estate holdings over the past year or so. Now seriously, how does a guy making at least $12-million per film get into this sort of situation? [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Oh dear. Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson appear to be making another run at it, which is probably good for humanity as it'll restrict the various strains of social disease carried within their loins from mutating into the general population. But still, enough already. [Sun]
  
  
• Rumors are swirling that there might be a Sopranos movie in the works. Lorraine Bracco hinted that the cast is just waiting for the right script, while Stevie Van Zandt said that his character is definitely still alive. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• George Clooney took his new "lapdance model" girlfriend out for a motorbike ride in the Italian countryside with Rande Gerber and Cindy Crawford. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Director Guy Ritchie is sort of turning his new Sherlock Holmes movie starring Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law into a gay film. [Page Six]
  
  
• Jude Law supposedly met the mother of his new child on the street after a club they were both partying at closed for the night at 4am. He then took her to a diner and after they went back to his hotel room. How incredibly romantic! [Sun]
  
  
• Dina and Michael Lohan actually hung out together at a benefit over the weekend without killing each other. No sign of Jon Gosselin, unfortunately. [Page Six]
  
  
• Britney Spears is showing off a new look—platinum blonde hair! It's just nasty, but then again, so much better than the bald look she formerly sported. [Mirror]
  
  
• Sonia Sotomayor was spotted "out east" over the weekend shopping for fried chicken, naturally. [Page Six]
  
  
• Jack Nicholson is still out there doing his thing, partying it up with women young enough to be his granddaughter in exotic locales. The picture of him here dancing with the girl doing the limbo or whatever made me laugh out loud. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Mischa Barton had a "disastrous" dinner with friends in West Village the other night, where witnesses said she was chain-smoking and rambling on and on about a stalker. [Page Six]
  
  
• Here are photos of Jennifer Lopez's ample booty in a skimpy red bikini. [Daily Mail]

The appropriation continues! Another old-timey throwbacky kinda thing will be made into a movie, because no one knows what else to do anymore. Remember Castlevania, that sorta-creepy, sorta-silly vampire videogame from long ago? It will be a movie now. Directed by the guy who directed Saw. Sigh. [Variety]

Wow, does Mila Kunis keep defying the odds (whither Wilmer, Laura, Topher, and Danny?) and getting work. She'll next star opposite Natalie Portman in a new Darren Aronofsky movie. Quite a get! The film is Black Swan, a "supernatural drama" about a ballet dancer (Portman) who is haunted by a rival (Kelso's girlfriend). [THR]

Robert Downey Jr. is jumping on another gravy train, this one called the Todd Phillips express. He's signed on to star opposite Zach Galifianakis in Due Date, a buddy road trip comedy. Which Phillips does a lot of! So, capable hands and all that. [Variety]

Moon Bloodgood, who didn't embarrass herself in Terminator Salvation but didn't ennoble herself either, has been cast in the Spielberg-produced TNT pilot that is about aliens invading. The tentative title is Not 'V', Sorry Elizabeth Mitchell. (Not really). [THR]

Speaking of the Kunis-factor! Her new Mike Judge comedy Extract, got a "warm" reception at Comic-Con this year. What this movie has to do with comics is a mystery. Is it that Jason Bateman sorta looks like a cartoon? [Variety]

Out of 15 TV channels, HBO has topped (heh) GLAAD's Network Responsibility Index. NBC and CBS failed. Unsurprisingly. Please make David Caruso gay on CSI. 'Twould be hilarious. [THR]

1. In the nerd equivalent of heaven, James Cameron and Peter Jackson attended their first Comic-Con, and did a panel together where they talk about the future of film-making and Jackson reveals that a script for The Hobbit, his Lord of the Rings prequel, will be finished in a month. [Zap2It]

2. Lost isn't known for parting with information easily, but they did have some good tidbits at their panel. Characters Juliet and Daniel Faraday will be back for the final season. Also in season six: no more time travel, the return of Charlie and Boone, the backstory for the enigmatic Richard Alpert, and some allusions to what may be alternate timelines. Damn, that shit makes our brain hurt. [EOnline]

3. Warner Bros. tried to roll out the new Patricia Heaton comedy The Middle at their Mom-A-Con. No one showed for the counter programming. Everyone said, "Mom, stop embarrasing me!" [THRFeed]

4. Hayden Panettiere is going to get some girl-on-girl action for the new season of Heroes. Yeah, cause that is what is going to fix this show. [io9]

5. Two scenes from the upcoming Twilight sequel, New Moon, were screened. Lots of girls screamed. [CelebrityCafe]

6. Iron Man 2 is going to fucking rule. Fans were excited by footage that shows Samuel L. Jackson's return as Nick Fury, Mickey Rourke playing new villain Whiplash, and a bunch of awesome special effects. Robert Downey Jr, director Jon Favreau, and new additions Scarlett Johannson (who plays sexy spy Black Widow) and Don Cheadle (replacing Terrence Howard) were all in attendance. That's either an A-List Comic-Con panel or a night at The Waverly Inn. [EW]

7. Ok, Iron Man gets two entries because the sequel is laying the foundation for Marvel's much anticipated (among comic geeks) Avengers movie (not the crappy Uma Thurmond one, this one has Captain American and shit). [EOnline]

8. We haven't seen the last of Battlestar Galactica, Edward James Olmos' career to continue. [io9]

9. You're probably not going to see Family Guy's "Abortion Episode," at least on the air, but it will probably be on DVD. What? Fox suddenly has standards? [LAT]

10. Alien invasion drama Vis back and the geeks love it. Is there anything left from the '80s for us to bring back? Alf, maybe? [THRFeed]

An action yarn complete with ham-slamming fisticuffs and wittily bantered-about gun play, a sexy/funny love interest (Rachel McAdams), and a door hoofening sidekick (Jude Law's Watson). While some (including us) may have been hoping for something darker and more ruminative, something in the vein of From Hell (but better), we should have known better based on Ritchie's lock stocking oeuvre. Ah well.

Looks fun, at least. We'll see it at Christmas.

[via Movieline]

He was sporting his trademark hat, very scruffy looking but looks actually as he does on screen. A very handsome and distinguished looking man.

Matt Lauer asked the raging Aussie if he shaped his character in State of Play based on his feelings about reporters. Crowe said not really, because if he had it would have been a far meaner caricature: one-eyed, limping spandex-wearers. His real problem is that sometimes reporters ask really dumb questions, but then get upset when they get a dumb answer. And he's right!

Why, just look at this disastrous snippet from an Robert Downey Jr.'s junket for The Soloist (hey Seth!), in which a reporter asked the actor what his character in Tropic Thunder would think about Jamie Foxx's character in The Soloist.

Um, what? Someone throw a hotel phone at that guy.

A colorful, inner-candy-city drama revolving around down-and-out candy hooker Princess Frostine, turned out by Lord Licorice on the chewy streets of Gum Drop Mountain. She's eventually taken in by a disgraced former candy cop named Gloppy the Chocolate Monster, kicked off the force for stealing Pixie Stick powder evidence, and the two embark upon an unlikely love affair. [Variety]
· Casino Royale director Martin Campbell is close to signing with Warners for Green Lantern, outpacing other Warner/DC properties like the stalled Superman and Justice League projects, and even Sony's de-stung emerald hero, The Green Hornet. [Variety]
· Imagine TV is looking for another comedy hit, and is developing one written by Gilmore Girls's Dan Palladino and based on Brian Grazer's father, Tom Grazer. "A lawyer with a slightly questionable moral compass," Grazer Jr. said. "My dad was so much bigger than life. He was a big personality, extremely popular but flawed." Father of Grazerhead? The mind reels. [Variety]
· Chris O'Donnell and LL Cool J are in talks to star in CBS's as-yet-untitled NCIS spinoff. We nominate DoN CAF, or Department of the Navy Central Adjudication Facility, in keeping with the indecipherable military-agency-acronym theme. [THR]
· Robert Downey Jr., Tina Fey and Ben Stiller are negotiating to voice DreamWorks Animation's Master Mind, about a villain who accidentally kills his superhero nemesis, sending him into an existential crisis. [THR]

Speaking as part of Newsweek's Oscar roundtable, which also included Anne Hathaway, Frank Langella, Brad Pitt, and Sally Hawkins (whoops), Downey Jr. told the story of his wild trip to Japan, which was almost derailed when airport officials realized the actor had been arrested numerous times. Though they ultimately let him in, the actor was punished with a crippling, Kobe-related "yoo-hoo status" (Langella is as confused as you are by that one) as well as an insensitive request to pound open a gigantic barrel of alcohol for an excited Japanese crowd. "There's some wacky humor going on over there," Pitt observes, sagely. Indeed—we can't wait until Downey Jr's Japanese tour for Tropic Thunder, when he'll be asked to climb a gigantic wall made of chocolate syrup, ladies' underwear, and bees (all while made up in blackface).

• 'I've Been Arrested So Many Times' [Newsweek]

Best Picture
Looking like sure bets are Milk, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, crowd-pleaser Slumdog Millionaire, and Frost/Nixon. The fifth slot is shaping up to be a horse race between Doubt and The Dark Knight. Actors are the biggest voting block of the Academy, and the Screen Actors Guild didn't nominate TDK. But it is an audience favorite, which would mean good ratings for the awards show. And no one wants to win an Oscar when no one's watching. So we'll see. Either way, sorry, Wall-E.

Best Director
Usually falls in line with Best Picture, so Slumdog's Danny Boyle, Milk's Gus van Sant, and Button's David Fincher are sure bets. We're not positive that Ron Howard will get a nod for his somewhat utilitarian direction of what is mostly an actors movie, though he did get recognized by the Directors Guild. Christopher Nolan could very well squeak in for TDK. John Patrick Shanley, who is viewed (rightly) as mostly a writer probs won't end up here for Doubt. Maybe Wall-E's Andrew Stanton will get a little "hey thanks for playing."

Best Actress
Definitely Anne Hathaway for her stripped-down-yet-still-showy work in Rachel Getting Married, Kate Winslet's for her mopey/yelly turn in Revolutionary Road, and Meryl Streep's barking in Doubt. Sally Hawkins' pluck in Happy-Go-Lucky didn't woo SAG, but everyone else seems to love her. We hope that Melissa Leo gets recognized in the fifth slot for her grizzled performance in Frozen River, but it might go to Angelina Jolie because she's pretty and yells a lot in Changeling. Boo.

Best Actor
Yes on: Sean Penn for Milk, Mickey Rourke for The Wrestler, Frank Langella for People Talking!: The Non-Musical Frost/Nixon, and Bradley Jane Pitt in Button. Number five will mayyybe go to Six Feet Under Papa Richard Jenkins for The Visitor. Though everyone likes the growly old Clint Eastwood schtick he does in Gran Torino.

And the rest of these are really too wide to tell, but we're going to go ahead and predict anyway...

Best Supporting Actress
Viola Davis is practically a lock to win the whole damn thing for her two scenes in Doubt. Joining her at her table at the pre-awards luncheon will probably be Taraji P. Henson for Button, Amy Adams for Doubt as well, Penelope Cruz for Hannah and Her Spanish Sisters or whatever, and Annette Bening for her deliciously screwball work in 2008's most overlooked gem, The Women. (We're joking on that last one.) Let's give it to that creepy girl in Let the Right One In!

Best Supporting Actor
Josh Brolin will win for Milk as a consolation prize for no one really liking W. that much (and for him having to deal with Babs as a mother-in-law step-mother). Robert Downey Jr. and Heath Ledger ought to get notices for their heavily-made-up work in Tropic Thunder and TDK, respectively. I dunno. Who else? Maybe Phil Hoffman for Doubt. Maybe George Clooney for just being alive in the world. We hope Emile Hirsch gets recognized for his fantastic work as Cleve Jones in the fantastic Milk.

Screenplays
Both Adapted and Original are much wider races, but look for TDK (surprise!), Button, and Nixon in the former; Vicky Cristina Barcelona, Milk, and Rachel Getting Married in the latter.

I know you guys mostly care about Best Sound Editing, but you'll have to wait to find out about that. Happy ballot making or whatever!

DGA Nominations
PGA Nominations
SAG Nominations
WGA Nominations

Warner Bros. has finally released some non-paparazzi photos from Guy Ritchie's Sherlock Holmes, and they showcase Downey Jr.'s physique (in an exploration of Holmes's boxing roots) as well as Jude Law as his Watson. Still unseen: Ritchie's provocative new "fiery penis" storyline. Guy, we've got a stunt double who's ready to audition...

• New Photos: Guy Ritchie’s Sherlock Holmes [MTV]

• First Look: Clooney In Goats [thebadandugly.com]

When asked if he had anything to do with the Howard/Cheadle switch, Downey immediately responded, “I had nothing to do with that decision. I love Terrence very very much. That’s all I’ll say because I haven’t talked to him yet.”

Furthermore, the Iron Man star makes it clear that he will not play favorites between the two equally talented actors, so if you’re looking for a juicy “good riddance” quote from Downey [...] you won’t find it here.

“I’ve always admired Don [Cheadle],” said Downey. “It’s one of those situations where I still don’t quite know what happened or why. Here’s what happens too: things happen and you wind up commenting on them before you’ve actually talked to the people and it’s in poor taste.”

Of course we're nothing if not helpful, so here's Howard's account, and here's Marvel's (we think). Please file your response in the comments below; we have a rally to get to!

• EXCLUSIVE: Robert Downey Jr. On Terrence Howard/Don Cheadle ‘Iron Man 2’ Swap [MTV]

Those with intimate knowledge of the situation suggest a far more dramatic backstory: Howard was the first actor signed to the film and, on top of that, was the highest-paid. That's right: more than Gwyneth Paltrow. More than Jeff Bridges. More than Robert Downey Jr. And once the project fully came together, it was too late to renegotiate his deal. It didn't help that, according to one source, Favreau and his producers were ultimately unhappy with Howard's performance, and spent a lot of time cutting and reshooting his scenes.

...As such, when Favreau and screenwriter Justin Theroux went to map out the sequel they found themselves minimizing Howard's story line. Once Marvel learned that Favreau was thinking of curtailing the role, the studio went to the actor's agents with a new and drastically reduced offer — a number that's similar to what supporting cast members were paid for the first movie. The agents, according to sources, were so taken aback by this new figure — estimated at somewhere between a 50 and 80 percent pay cut — that they questioned it.

Yes, it's hard to believe Howard wouldn't take Marvel up on their awkward offer. "Hey, uh, Terrence! So, we're going to start the sequel with you already in the War Machine suit. And, uh, you never come out of it. Plus, no musical number. So, how about $500 grand and a few net points?"

• 'Iron Man 2': How Terrence Howard Lost His Metal [EW]

A source said: "Robert leaped from his armchair and jumped up and down, slapping his crotch and howling, 'Oh God, I'm on fire!' Robert had placed the pipe on a plate on the arm of the chair, but it overbalanced and plopped into his lap, scattering lit tobacco all over his pants."

Luckily, Robert's co-star Jude Law - who plays Holmes' sidekick Dr. Watson in the movie - was on hand to extinguish the flames and save the star from singeing his privates.

The source added: "While Robert was screaming and swatting his pants, quick-thinking Jude saved the day by flinging water from a flower vase at Robert's naughty area."

Ritchie would have acted sooner had he not been attending at that moment to yet another ominous text message from his divorcing wife. Once Downey's desperate screams of, "MY DICK! SOMEONE PUT OUT MY DICK!" had died down, however, the director comforted his star by explaining that he went through a similar trauma daily: Should he have ever climbed into bed without having made peace with Madonna over that day's squabbles, she would slowly pat the propane device on her nightstand, reminding him, "Blowtorch, Guy. Blowtorch."

• Robert Downey Jr's fire crotch [BANG via Monsters and Critics]

Boomp3.com

On the London set of Sherlock Holmes, free spirit Robert Downey Jr. did his best to cheer his director Guy Ritchie up. Partnering up with the effects and stunt departments, Downey crafted a rig that allowed him to fly around the set. A rather glum Ritchie perked up at the sight of Downey soaring majestically, as Downey shouted down, “Relax, Guy. I’m going to fly in this movie, too. People love it when I’m flyin’.”

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.