Answer: Hiding from their rabid fans.

There are four major types of Twihard attack, each with a unique perpetrator profile and modus operandi:

1. Non-Consensual Neck Bites
You'd think would happen all the time, but forcible tooth-on-neck penetrations are relatively rare in the Twihard universe, probably because most fans would prefer to be Edward Cullen's victim, not his imitator. Nonetheless, a Michigan NBC affiliate reports today that a "white man, about 45 years old" is at large after biting a 17-year-old girl at a New Moon showing*:

I tried to pull away and he didn't let go. He was just kind of staring at me, smiling, in this really creepy way ... He got maybe two, three feet from my chair and he grabs me by the back of my hair, pulls me backward and bites me on the neck.

2. Twihard-on-Twihard Violence
In the orgiastic frenzies surrounding every Twilight event, it is a foregone conclusion that someone would put an eye out. A brawl over a Robsessed poster landed a British teen in the hospital after a screening of the fan documentary last week. Sarah O'Regan explains her harrowing plight:

I didn't find out about the free Robsessed posters till they were all gone. Then I spotted one on the table at the same time as another girl and we both ran for it. I grabbed it first but then she snatched it off me. ... I was frightened, as I don't ever get into fights, but at that moment I was totally Robsessed and I had fire in my heart. It all happened so quickly. I ended up on the floor and my arm and cheek were in terrible pain, so my friend had to take me to hospital. [Note: I have removed extraneous exclamation points from this account because they are annoying, and also because it's funnier as a deadpan.]

O'Regan, who is Robert Pattinson's "biggest fan in the world" and "want[s] to marry him," reports that the poster was torn in half during the scuffle, but that she got "the better half," which included Pattinson's face. She remains in good spirits:

I'm so gutted I missed the screening, but the DVD company have sent me a free copy of Robsessed which I have already watched about 4 times

Though terrifying, Twihard-on-Twihard violence is easily avoided, mostly by avoiding any and all Twilight-related gatherings.

3. Twihard-on-Bystander Violence
A message board directory of Twilight-related attacks, reveal baseball beat-downs, broken bones, small explosive devices, and a nearly scratched-out eyeball. This tale of an attempted schoolroom throat-slashing has a somewhat unreliable narrator, but is really good, in a Bad Boys meets Mean Girls sort of way:

[I]n Algebra I went to go sharpen my pencil, and that girl who marched off was in my class. she came up behind me and tried to slit my throat with a shank! She screamed "How dare you say Twilight should be destroyed!" Now, I had to do something. So I took my pencil out of the sharpener and stabbed her in the side (thank god i had already sharpened my pencil or she wouldn't have felt the stab). She lost concentration for a second or two, so she could look at the pencil sticking out of her. Without such a strong grasp, i was able to break free. By now students were restraining her as she kicked and screamed. She was expelled, but I got after school detention for defending myself (our principal is a ass)!

To avoid Twihard-on-Bystander attacks, stay away from places where teenagers congregate and do not, under any circumstances, openly criticize Twilight in public. Should you be the victim of Twihard-on-Bystander violence, know that it is not your fault, Mommy and Daddy still love you very much, and next time, carry a rape whistle.

4. Celebrity-Directed Attacks
Celebrity-directed attacks are theoretically dangerous to Twilight's beleaguered stars, but since event organizers now know to anticipate them, the cavalcade of beefy New Moon security actually leaves Twihard fans at greater risk of endangering themselves. Witness Robert Pattinson's tale of how he once cajoled a female fan into getting naked in public: After an autograph-seeker asked, "What can I do to get your attention?" Pattinson replied, "um, just take your clothes off," prompting the nubile young female to rip her clothes off and get "dragged out of the room by security."

* UPDATE: She was lying! Props to commenter Matt Cherette for calling bullshit early.

• The way we live now: Everyone has a sex tape, but nobody thinks his sex tape counts. Creed frontman Scott Stapp says a tape of him and Kid Rock getting blow jobs from groupies on a 1999 tour bus shouldn't count. What's more, things got totally awkward between the Christian rocker and not-Christian rocker after their simultaneous orgasms: "He adds that he and Rock used to be friends, but 'haven't sat down face to face since the incident.'" [P6]
• 
  
• Jon and Kate's divorce is nearly complete, having finished a binding arbitration this weekend wherein Jon relinquished primary custody of the kids, meaning Plus Eight only have one parent left to evade before they begin their second, much happier lives as the new boxcar children. Apparently Jon brought a bouquet of long-stemmed roses to the divorce arbitration, probably because he heard the paparazzi would be there. Kate rejected the roses, despite Jon's lawyer saying "This has been called the real-life 'War of the Roses.'" As far as I'm concerned, only two good things have come of this relationship: (1) the word "mantrum" (2) Christian Siriano being forced to reevaluate his hairdo [TMZ] [NYDN]
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• Katie Holmes took Suri to see The Lion King last night, and if X17's photos are any indication, then Suri was either (a) scared of the scary animals (b) tired from staying up late (c) terrorized by the flashing strobes of skeezy paparazzi who yell her name and take her picture everywhere she goes. [X17]
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• An explosion of female overtook Robert Pattinson at the Bowery Hotel bar this weekend! The poor, beleaguered actor whose movie just earned hundreds of millions "wouldn't even look up as [his fans] walked by," either because they scare him or because he is ashamed that his only claim to fame is playing an old, undead guy who never got laid. [NYDN]
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• Zac Efron's career goal is to star in a remake of The Graduate, but if he can't get cougar tail, he'll settle for Daniel Craig. "I'd love to be a Bond baddie," Zefron squeaked. He also says he's really glad that Robert Pattinson is distracting "female attention" away from him. Between this and Pattinson's admission that Zefron leaves him speechless, females should really be beside the point here. Make out already, you two! [ShowBizSpy]
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• Ms. Universe 2008, Dayana Sabrina Mendoza Moncada, just hired a New Jersey lawyer to get her American citizenship. American reality television welcomes you with open arms, Dayana. [P6]
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• A dapper Susan Boyle touched down at JFK yesterday and will perform live on today's Today show, where she will inevitably sing that one same song, which is her melodic version of Miss Havisham's old wedding dress. [ShowBizSpy]
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Try $140.7 million on for size. Let that sink into your neck and suck your will to live and/or be any other movie.

[New Moon is] the third biggest three-day debut ever, according to early estimates from Hollywood.com Box Office. ("The Dark Knight" still retains the record for the biggest weekend debut with $158.4 million, and "Spider-Man 3" is second with $151.1 million.)

Good to know: Bats > Spiders > Sparkly Vampires.

80% of Twlight: New Moon's audience, according to the same report, were women. The other 20% breaks down like this:

10%: Pissed-Off Boyfriends
6%: Vampire Fetishists
3%: Overprotective Fathers
1%: Pissed-Off Gays

Sadly, the nu-vampire trend shows no signs of dying out any time soon. Twilight's basically trying to take over pop culture entirely, and pop culture is losing the war against Twilight. They even signed up hipster culture to be a part of this thing with indie rock bands on the soundtrack. These people are good: lure in early-adopters with crossover music that they're in the closet about enjoying (read: Death Cab for Cutie), and get them to "ironically" enjoy going to see Twilight movies until puff-paint shirts of Bella and Edward start appearing in Urban Outfitters everywhere. Genius.

So: what comes after the sparkly vampires in this weekend's box office take? $100M? $75M? $50M? Nope. But at least it involved a Vanity Fair writer.

Sandra Bullock continued her stellar year, with her true-life sports drama "The Blind Side" clearing an estimated $34.5 million for second place.

Michael Lewis! Attaboy! You took a, uh, nibble out of the sparkly vampires with the high fructose-sweetened version of what was pretty good source material. Now all we need to do is get Michael Lewis to write a screenplay about how vampires could be more profitable if they just cut the Mormon abstinence bullshit and got straight to Rated R-type bloodsucking (read: sex, gratuitous violence) while recruiting for their ranks cheaper vampires who'll suck more blood over the long run, and we've got a competitor. I've even got a great title in mind: Bloodsucking Blind Moneyballs. And it can star this guy:

• Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart decided to opt out of going to The Box for their New York New Moon premiere after-party, instead opting to go to Avenue, where they could sit around, drink vodka, drink beer, get trashed, leave, go home, and do it. Robert Pattinson's psychotic, obsessive stalkerfans, are you listening? Tune your teenage to mid-30s adult ears to this: Rather than hang out with Kellan Lutz and the rest of their cast, you know what they're doing? They're going home and doing it. Now, I know, I know, you all think Kristen Stewart is the most evil thing in the universe and that she should die a fiery death while Rob realizes who the real lady of his life needs to be: you. You should probably get used to the fact that (A) this will never happen because you're not movie-star good looking and she is, (B) the love you do find will be some kind of settlement, (C) and they will probably work in middle management, and (D) they will not be a blood-sucking vampire, they will just suck at your will to live. So! While Robert Pattinson enjoys ditching his Twilight castmates for getting drunk and doing it with Kristen Stewart, you're getting prepared for life! #NotAfraidToBeServicey. Psychos. [Page Six]
  
  
• Okay, Boris and Natasha-esque Rush and Molloy, you done did good on this one! Today the Daily News gossip duo focus their moose-and-squirrel sights on Christie Brinkley's fourth divorce, from Peter Cook, which ex-husband Billy Joel is being a mensch about and stepping up to her defense for. Unfortunately, this is being countered by a former Brinkley maid, Alzirene Vianna, stepping out and giving details for. This shit is too crazy. Highlights: Christie never encouraged her daughter to call her dad, Billy. Christie told her then 8 year-old daughter that she basically needed to stop fucking up her relationship with Kristie's new mans. Christie used to kick doors when she was locked out of rooms by her husbands. Christie was a pillhead. Christie used to throw stuff at husbands leaving in cars from inside their house, via window. Basically: Christie Brinkley is insane, and on her fourth divorce because of it. [NYDN]
  
  
• NICE. While every guy in the club the other night after the Victoria's Secret fashion show was clamoring to get a spot next to some of the hotness, Jay-Z gave explicit instructions to keep him away from them because he didn't want to piss off Beyonce. The man's got respect for his lady, yo. If I were with Beyonce, I would, too. Jay-Z's gonna be the one guy not to fuck his good thing up. Nice. Alternate Take/Conspiracy Theory: Jay-Z worked very hard to stay away from models at the Victoria's Secret show to get his publicist to plant an item that could be corroborated with other accounts and placed in Page Six so Beyonce would let him off the short leash he's on to go kick it with models. Yeah, but again, the problem with this theory is that Jay-Z's married Beyonce. [Page Six]
  
  
• Best random fact of the day: Andre Leon Talley wears size 16 shoes. Yes, they are bespoke. [Page Six]
  
  
• OH COME ON Page Six. Today's front story is such boring bullshit (they put Patz and K-Stew in the second spot). They open up with this awesome lede about how, wait, just, read this: "They say practice makes perfect. When Mark Consuelos tried out for a permanent role on the ABC soap "All My Children," his behind-closed-doors rehearsals with future wife Kelly Ripa paid off big." So you're thinkin, oh, man, maybe they had some kind of secret closet conspiracy sex or something, awesome, Evil Kelly Ripa is the shit, except, not. Nope. It's just the story about how their rehearsal scenes for soaps were better than everyone else's because they'd done did it before. Like, sex. Except I guess sex in Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos' world involves lots of bare-manchest making out, heavy breathing, and speaking in expository plot points between breaths. Oh, and the people holding the rehearsals didn't know. This is top story material? Really? Related: Soap Operas make you stupider. Anything that Gossip Girl can make look functionally braindead is, on some level, an impressive feat. [Page Six]
  
  
• Richie Akiva, the guy who owns Butter and 1OAK, which are big clubby clubs that famous people go to, is having a big Thanksgiving celebration at Butter for all the clubby club people who stay in town to go eat and drink at because their families hate them because they're club rats. Kidding! No, but really, I hope they stuff their turkey with ketamine. I'd stick around for that. [Page Six]
  
  
• Diddy threw a $3M birthday party at The Plaza. There were lion-tamers and fire-breathers and clowns and magicians and probably a few druglords or two. JK, you guys. There were no lion-tamers. But there were lots of people and, oh wait, what's this? Security was tight and even Tyrese Gibson and "Twilight's" Kellan Lutz had to talk their way into the VIP area. Is it just me or is Tyrese talking his way into more and more security areas these days? Anyway. I hope Diddy got all the cheesecake he wanted for his birthday. [Page Six]
  
  
• Cross-dressing perv Marv Albert and Fiddy Cent did or did not have some kind of run-in on the Kimmel show. What? I don't know. How the hell does a rumor start about Marv Albert getting into a fight with Fiddy Cent's entourage? There are at least 21 questions about this kind of thing, none of the answers do I give a shit about knowing. [NYDN]
  
  
• Oprah announced that she's leaving The (Talk Show) Game, and now her best friend Gayle King is gonna try to steal the crown. Don't forget to kiss the ring, Gayle. [Page Six]
  
  
• Olympic swimmers! They're just like us. They like to smoke weed and sometimes mess up their taxes. Whoops! Michael Phelps, dude, face outta the bong for one sec. Take it to H&R Block, you know? [TMZ]
  
  
• Tyson Beckford drove his motorcycle in circles and then went home. [Page Six]
  
  
• Apparently, it's 1995, because TMZ is making OJ jokes again. [TMZ]

Okay, so, techinical problems aside, we're all feeling much better today! And also, I'm so excited for the next item, I can't even, well, just, okay. Hang in there for one moment. Some things are just too good for the gossip roundup, you know? YOU KNOW. Also, big ups to Jay-Z for being good to Beyonce! Sometimes, people do good things and don't go rub up on models and make a point of it, whether it's because he wants Beyonce to know explicitly or not, right? Right. Here's a good cover of Beyonce's "Halo," let's get this Sunday started.

[Photo via Bauer-Griffin]

She took her favorite pair of Edward Cullen panties out of the dryer and slid them onto her body, reveling in the soft caress of Robert Pattinson's cold zombie lips. [via Twitarded]

She then climbed into her $130 New Moon canopy bed. The drab satin-effect sheets reminded her of the lifeless sheen in her undead boyfriend's eyes. She felt alone, though—so alone. She decided she needed some company... [via Etsy]

She gathered her favorite noose-looped Twilight clothespin voodoo dolls and ornamented her surroundings with them. [via Etsy]

"Come to me, Edward," she whispered, grasping beneath the sheets in search of the hand-sewn Edward Cullen zombie sock puppet she sleeps with every night. [via Etsy]

She leaned a porcelain cheek against her Robert Pattinson pillow. [via Etsy]

It was time. She stretched her pale, slender hand to the Jacob Black light switch and dimmed it to—what else?—twilight. [via Etsy]

She removed her vampire sparkle dildo from the top drawer in her bedside table. She bit her lip and recalled fondly the words her Dildward Cullen had used to seduce her:

Yes the The Vamp retains hot and cold temperature. Toss it in the fridge for that authentic experience.

The Vamp is a realistic form dildo based appropriately on our Sire's design but with a deathly pale flesh tone reminiscent of the moon's soft glow

[via Tantus]

Her cheeks flushed, her lips trembled, her eyelids fluttered. Dildward Cullen did all the things she asked of him, in cursive on the front of her sweatshirt. [via CafePress]

He sated her completely. With a sigh of contentment, she retired to use her Twilight-themed restroom, to use the Cullen-branded toilet. [via Etsy]

She reapplied her vegan Twilight lip gloss and smacked her lips in the mirror. [via Etsy]

Returning to the bedroom, she kicked her hand-painted Bella and Edward high-top sneakers out of the way. [via Regretsy]

Clutching the felted "Bella's womb" she had crafted from wool to depict the mutant fetus within, she contemplated whether child support applied to half-vampire bastards. [via Cinematical]

She would not bear a bastard babe. She reached into the desk and pulled out the stack of Save the Date cards she had been saving for her Twilight-themed wedding. [via Etsy]

For this would be the child to bring together the forces of Vampire and Human. In this child, the future would be born. This child would be as sexy as her vampire lover. Her son, the Next Edward Cullen. [via CafePress]

• 26-year-old Edis Kayalar is accused of blackmailing Cindy Crawford and husband Rande Gerber with a "sexy photograph" of their 8-year-old daughter "in revealing clothing, bound to a chair and gagged." The photo was taken by the girl's former nanny; Kayalar allegedly wanted $100K for it, but ended up handing it over to Gerber for a mere $1000 and the promise of a wire transfer in the near future. Excuse me, I have to go induce vomiting to get this horrible story out of my system. [NYDN]
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• "Everyone was talking" about Nicole Kidman at the CMAs. "She looked freakish. She just had her lips done, and now she looks like Meg Ryan." Kidman reportedly "flipped out and took off running" when people started asking questions. [P6]
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• When Harry Potter gets high, he "laughs his head off." The Mirror says Daniel Radcliffe smoked a spliff at a party and started babbling about how awesome weed is and let a chick draw on his face, which is actually compelling evidence that Radcliffe is pretty clean-cut, because no self-respecting pothead would act that stupid unless a vaporizer was involved. [Mirror]
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• "Chris Brown still can't live down his Rihanna attack," Page Six says. Um, I should hope not, mostly because the phrase "live down" usually refers to sophomoric embarrassments, not brutal acts of violence against a loved one. Apparently Chris went to a shoe store where a woman screamed, "[bleep]ing beater! I hope someone beats the [bleep]ing [bleep] out of you!" and someone caught the inestimably uncomfortable, weirdly long confrontation on video, here. The most surreal part is how people continue to line up to get their photo taken with him, even as the heckler shrieks mere inches from their faces, and then a dude bro jumps into the frame and barks "Chris Brown is the MAN." [P6]
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• Zsa Zsa Gabor has $118,321 in unpaid taxes, which is nothing compared to the $10 million in unpaid Madoff dividends she has. [TMZ]
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• 1-year-old Trig will not appear in Barbara Walters' interview of Sarah Palin, owing to a cold that prevented him from making the trip from Alaska. The deal was supposed to be that Oprah got Palin's first interview, but Barbara would get an exclusive with Trig. Now she'll just have to settle for Willow and Piper. [P6]
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• Twilight director Catherine Hardwicke told Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart not to date: "After I cast him, I told Rob, don't even think about having a romance with her... She's under 18. You will be arrested." Now that Kristen's 19, though, all bets are off! Yahoo. [ShowBizSpy]
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• Maybe the nude romps got her in the mood? Rebecca Gayheart is expecting her first child with husband and fellow video hot tub video star Eric Dane. She is doing yoga, walking on the beach, and eating vegetables to enhance the fetus inside of her, because rich people do everything better, including child bearing. [ShowBizSpy]
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• As the latest installment of Michael Lohan's taped phone conversations with Dina make their way on Radar Online (Lindsay cuts, Dina feared for her daughter's life) TMZ reports that a protective order Dina got in 2005 bars Michael from communicating with her until 2011. Dina's lawyers are apparently working to get Michael thrown behind bars for it. [TMZ]
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• Balloon Dad Richard Heene's mugshot is out! It's not nearly as haggard as you'd hope, but gratifying nonetheless. [TMZ]
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• And in meta-gossip: TMZ stole from Radar. The latter posted Jon Gosselin's court documents against TLC, and an hour later, TMZ posted them, too—after having a photoshop expert scrub off Radar's logo. Clever Radar had "put other markings on the documents," though, so they laid the smack on Harvey Levin. Radar offers but one slyly bitchy comment: "Theft is the sincerest form of flattery." [P6]
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• This has sexy potential. Robert Pattinson describes the glorious moment he first came face-to-face with the man of his dreams, Zac Efron: "He was a really cool guy. That was one of the first times I'd ever been star-struck, but just because his face is so specific, it's kind of surreal." Since I was only able to locate one picture of them together in the history of wire images [fig.1, below], I'm pretty sure they didn't actually bang, but, sigh, let's pretend. [ShowBizSpy]
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• Former The City star Erin Lucas has a lesbian kiss with Israeli model Adi Neumann in some movie they're in together. [fig.2] "I popped my cherry on camera. How appropriate," said the gay-for-screen-time Lucas. [P6]
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• Mike Tyson was detained at LAX last night for assaulting a paparazzo. Tyson punched the guy in the face so hard the photog had to be hospitalized. Both parties claimed it was the other one's fault, so the LAPD arrested both. No word the status of either of their ears. [LAT]
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• Carrie Prejean's ex-boyfriend—the one she sent that masturbatory video to—told TMZ that the former Miss California asked him to lie about the video and say she was an underage seventeen-year-old in it, when actually, she was twenty. And, hey, did he mention he has some other pictures of Carrie that he would like to sell to you, now? Because he does. In one of them, she's kind of showing her butt. [TMZ]
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• "I feel like I'm in a dream," said awestruck country music nymph Taylor Swift after she became the Country Music Association's youngest-ever Entertainer of the Year. Taylor won all four categories she was nominated in. And her new boyfriend's really cute. Some girls get all the breaks. [LAT]
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• Lil' Kim skipped a court date and blamed it on a nosebleed. I can't decide if this story is about lying or about cocaine. [TMZ]
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• Simon Cowell is the highest-earning man on American television, taking home a cool $75 million last year. In second place was Donald Trump ($50 million), who must feel like such a chump sandwiched between Cowell and Ryan Seacrest ($38 million) in the earnings list. [ShowBizSpy]
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  Figure 1
  

  Figure 2
  

• Radar has a WORLD WIDE EXCLUSIVE that Lindsay Lohan was dating the Heath Ledger when he died. The evidence comes from the umpteenth phone conversation that Michael Lohan secretly recorded with family members, then sold to the tabloid site, because he's just that nice of a guy. In it, Dina says, "She was dating Heath when he died.... I would drop her off and they were friends, very, very close, ok?" Leaving aside the very peculiar decision to drop one's chemically- and emotionally-troubled daughter off at a strange older man's home, does that even necessarily sound like dating? But then the conversation gets sad when Dina says she fears Lindsay will "do something like Heath Ledger did" some day. [Radar]
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• Dina fires back: Michael's betrayal of his family with the phone conversation sales is "unforgivable." Dina, who also regularly sells candid recordings of her children (albeit through lawyer-vetted contracts to reality TV producers) concluded: "My heart is breaking for my children." [E!]
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• Finally! Definitive evidence that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are wildly in love: A photograph of them holding hands on their way to the airport in Paris! But wait—what if they're just messing with us? There was an entire Gossip Girl plotline about a situation just like this, I think the lesson was something along the liens of "believe everything you see on TV," in which case: Confirmed! Edward and Bella are making babies. [PopSugar]
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• Even in death, Jacko knew how to spend. Court documents show Michael Jackson blew a milli on his burial, the L.A. Times reports, including $35,000 for the burial outfit (burned during his cremation) and $16,000 on flowers. Janet, the only Jackson with two pennies to rub together, fronted $49,000, a sum that is paltry only in comparison. [LAT]
  [TMZ]
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• Kate Gosselin respectfully objects to Jon's characterization, on their reality television show, that she must "pull the stick out" of her butt. Looking back, Kate now sees their relationship's doomed fate foretold in that single, sodomitic exhortation: "Perhaps [that] was a sign of things to come." I like to imagine she said it with a sigh. [Us]
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• Surprise of the year: America's Next Top Model judge and Tyra Banks' gay best friend Miss J. has a seven-year-old son. The mother is a "French lesbian" who had Miss J. and ex-boyfriend Alex jiz in a test tube. [Us]
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• Halloween star Danielle Harris' stalker is following her again, on Twitter, leading to an interesting quandary: Does that count? Creepster Christopher Small has a restraining order against him until 2012, but now were sort of curious, does following count as making contact? What about retweets? Christopher tweets things he likes about Danielle as "Stalkr-approved :)" which proves that 140 characters is enough to make an innocent female puke on the spot, and also that emoticon smileys can be really sinister in certain contexts. [TMZ]
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• This might explains why Josh Duhamel thought he could get away with cheating on Fergie: Apparently she didn't know the meaning of "cheating" until a licensed professional explained it her. "I learned through talking with my therapist that it is still cheating even if it's with girls," she explains in the same breath that she admits that she "also love[s] a well-endowed man." [P6]
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• Shanna Moakler called Khloe Kardashian a "donkey" on Wendy Williams' show, prompting one of Khloe's friends to call Shanna a "dirty whore." Khloe delivered the ultimate insult: "I have no idea who this girl is." If only we could say the same about both of them. [TMZ]

• Russell Brand's Hampstead home is on the market for £2.5 million, which, if my rudimentary math skills serve, is about $4.2 million. The "dramatic and stylish" three-bedroom home features a landscaped garden and "wheely bins round the back," whatever that means. (Was it a sex joke?) The real question: Is he selling it so he can move in with Katy Perry in LA? And if so: Is there any way we can stop him from invading our country? [3AM]
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• With regards to his eponymous relationship with Taylor Swift, Taylor Lautner says "it's weird calling somebody your name," which sounds about right. [OK]
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• Madonna still denies she going to Brazil to meet boytoy Jesus Luz's mother, saying "I am going there strictly for fund raising and humanitarian purposes." Honey, if you refer to visits with your future mother-in-law a humanitarian mission, you are never going to win her over. [P6]
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• Jon Gosselin will countersue TLC for $5 million, proving yet again that shamelessness is not a terrible financial strategy. [Radar]
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• Speaking of the financial value of shamelessness: Accused Letterman blackmailer Joe Halderman is asking friends and co-workers to contribute to his legal fund. He's got $50K so far, needs at least $200K, and would have had $2 million if only that old perv had coughed up the dough and kept his mouth shut. [TMZ]
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• Page Six has more on Jho Low, the mysterious Malaysian club king that everyone is talking about, but nobody will really dish on. Apparently Low "is a golden goose for nightclub owners, who are fiercely protecting his privacy." He regularly runs up six-figure Cristal tabs, and the decor for his 28th birthday at Caesars Palace included "bikini-clad party girls" and "caged lions and tigers." [P6]
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• Demi Moore looks insanely hot (albeit a touch anorexic) on the cover of W. She discusses being a cougar in the accompanying article: "I'd prefer to be called a puma," Ashton may be young but they have a "deep and old connection." Whatever, cradle robber. [PopSugar]
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• Sir Ian McKellen advocates the destruction of property in the fight for gay rights, saying the choice of whether to write a letter to your congressman or "go and break windows" is really a personal one. [P6]
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• Pamela Anderson is getting picky about the lighting she is photographed in, insisting on shadow-free ring flashes at a recent event in Miami. She's the Blanche Dubois of silicone-bolstered soft-core porn. [P6]
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• Robert Pattinson has raunchy B.O. Apparently there is an air of "bad personal hygiene hanging around him like the hum of four-day-old fish carcass from the kitchen bin," according to 3AM, which is officially my new favorite gossip source. The fetid actor admitted, "I dont know, my personal hygiene—it's so disgusting!" It is so depressing when teen heartthrobs are as clueless and gross as regular teens. [3AM]

• Carrie Prejean's mom saw her sex tape when Miss California USA's lawyers screened 15 seconds of it to get Carrie to drop her $1 million lawsuit against them. According to TMZ, "Carrie's mom was in shock—instantly turning sheet white as she watched her daughter give herself a hand." This story just gets grosser and grosser. [TMZ]
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• Levi Johnston and Jon Gosselin posed for photos in Times Square, leading to the horrifying-but-inevitable-question that I suspect they wanted us to ask: Is Jon going to pose for Playgirl, too? He fits that special niche of being really high-profile without having a shred of class or dignity, so I wouldn't be surprised if Playgirl went after him. He'd probably pretend like he was considering it so as to soak up as much penis-related attention as possible, but ultimately he wouldn't follow through, because dude just doesn't have the bod, and he's painfully aware of it. Now that he's off the show and on his way to eight child support bills per month, he can't afford the necessary cosmetic procedures he'd probably want to pull it off, either. [NYDN]
• 
  
• Today is the day of the Gossip Girl threesome. The Parents Television Council is going into conniptions while The Daily Beast celebrates with a guide to a bunch of other televised three-ways, which really just serves to remind us how prude TV was until Nip/Tuck came along. That show is a systematic assault on American values. I'm not even sure what American values are, just that they are the antithesis of Nip/Tuck. [LAT] [TDB]
• 
  
• After last week's success with secretly recorded phone calls with ex-wife Dina, Michael Lohan is now trying to sell "secret recordings" of Lindsay and wants $100,000 for the unbearably creepy package of what will likely amount to nanny cam footage plus a spot of homophobic commentary from the Papa Lo. Ex-wife Dina's making legal threats, but Radar struck a deal where they get the tapes for free, but pay some undisclosed sum for the interview. [P6]
• 
  
• The Jackson kids helped install wheels on a legless dog, because manmade alien-robot hybrids have always made them feel at home. [TMZ]
• 
  
• Speaking of Jackson kids: Jacko daughter Paris, age 11, has the same hairstylist as Madonna, Britney Spears, and J.Lo. She went last week with her brothers, where an onlooker said "their complete lack of emotion meant it was like watching three robots." Paris had her fingernails painted black. Cry for help? [ShowBizSpy]
• 
  
• Kristen Stewart thinks Twilight co-stars Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner would make "great husband[s]," which is code for "cute, but totally boring lays." [ShowBizSpy]
• 
  
• Victoria Beckham is starting a modeling agency, which we can only hope 'n' wish 'n' pray will join forces with the Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency and specialize in toothpick-sized trannies with severe faces and a predilection for painful-looking clothes. In the glorious event that one of their managers is reading this and takes my advice (I WILL PAY YOU $$$) (BUT NOT THAT MUCH) I'd like to declare right now that I've got my money on Janice for the inevitable Dickinson-Beckham catfight. Girl is scrappy, although I wouldn't put it past Posh to go below the belt. [ShowBizSpy]
• 
  
• The Brits are exporting a new poptart! "VA-VA-voom singer Katherine Jenkins" supposedly gets more press than Madonna and is coming to New York to "do some Christmas shopping, meet the press." But wait! A Google search reveals that the "Marilyn Monroe-ish" Jenkins is actually a classically trained mezzo-soprano whose favored tunes are sacred arias glorifying God (see below), not rhythmically snorting coke off the toilet seat in Peaches Geldof's apartment, which means she will never fill the hole in my heart that Amy Winehouse used to occupy. Page Six, why do you toy with me so. [P6]
• 
  

• In other fine-on-the-surface-but-what-the-fuck news: Sienna Miller and her boyfriend, a Brit named DJ Slinky (see if you can guess his occupation), were shopping for vintage underwear in Nolita yesterday, which means they're still an item or something. Still, "vintage underwear" is one of those word combinations like "amateur surgery" or "Matthew McConaughey box set" that you just don't want to see in real life. Buy new underwear people! [Page Six]
• Michael Jackson's rabbi, the wonderfully named Schmuley Boteach, is now advising Jon Gosselin. Maybe he has a bet with someone that he has to provide spiritual guidance to at least one disliked celebrity at all times. Anyway, Boteach advised Gosselin to dump his girlfriend Hailey Glassman. But instead he took her to a restaurant on Halloween and ordered staff to keep all the fake Jon Gosselins away from him. [Page Six]
• Talking of Jackson, TMZ says that kids could identify precise details about his penis not because they were made to touch it but because he thought that peeing in front of people was funny and would just do it all the time. Dr. Arnold Klein, a friend of Jackson's, says he would frequently whip it out and urinate into a cup around groups of people. Which illuminates a whole unexpected frat-boy side of the king of pop. [TMZ]
• Tweens so badly want Twlight co-stars Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart to be a couple that the two have requested to do separate press for the latest in the series, New Moon, to avoid rumors. An insider tells Gatecrasher: "They really are good friends - and that's all - but they want to avoid being seen together. Any time they're photographed in the same place, the rumor mill just starts all over again, and that makes the paparazzi hound them even more." This particular insider is wise, and clearly a body language expert, and a philosopher and also a little sad for the lost love that might have been. "Honestly, it makes it very hard for them to even be friends," he or she says. perhaps with one poignant tear rolling down a cheek. "Maybe there could have been something between them, but it seems like all of the pressure surrounding their relationship has really killed it." Don't cry Mr. or Mrs. Insider. I'm sure you'll be commenting on a whole different story tomorrow. [Gatecrasher]
• Rihanna has given an interview, to Glamour, about the Chris Brown incident. "I felt like I went to sleep as Rihanna and woke up as Britney Spears," she said of the media circus, in what must be the most unexpected swipe of the day. "It was humiliating," she said of the picture of her bruised and battered face that circulated. "That is not a photo you would show to anybody. I felt completely taken advantage of ... like people were making it into a fun topic on the Internet, and it's my life." Apologies on behalf of the internet Rihanna. [Gatecrasher]
• Quote of the day, from Tom Ford: "fashion is one way in which we hold ourselves together. Just because I've become spiritual doesn't mean I can't love crocodile." Ford was telling W magazine about a bout of depression that struck him after he left Gucci in 2004. [Page Six]
• The Kushners treated their son Jared and new wife Ivanka Trump to a plush weekend in Washington, Connecticut. What did the Donald do? Nothing. He just coldly played golf with Samuel L. Jackson and some guy from Law & Order and didn't pay for any weekends anywhere. [Page Six]
• Daniel Radcliffe will go nude in the new Harry Potter. No really. "Daniel Radcliffe appears naked in one scene where Harry and Ron are fighting a magical creature, who fled to confuse and create a vision. In the view we see Harry and a woman embracing and kissing. It's an intriguing scene and very sensual," director David Yates told a magazine. Add your own wands/broomsticks/wizard's sleeve joke here. [Perez Hilton]
• And from last Friday, an ex-girlfriend of Alex Rodriguez tells Us Weekly that he has not one but two portraits of himself as a centaur above his bed. I mean we all have one picture of ourselves as a mythical creature, but two is just vanity. "It was ridiculous," the ex, who apparently has a gift for stating the obvious, told the magazine. She did not comment on whether the lower-body horse associations were justified, but Us did juxtapose this story with one about Kate Hudson telling everyone - including her parents - that A-Rod is a nickname with more than one meaning/he always comes out swinging etc. Also: her PARENTS? I know that in this instance that means Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell, and I've seen Overboard and can understand the desire to confide in them, but really. Who launches into stories about fucking with their parents? [Us Weekly]

[Image via Getty]

Vampires are the worst. They're not evil-evil, anymore. They've been rendered powerless by True Blood and Twilight and now, The CW's The Vampire Diaries from fucked-up, baseless monsters who are honoring a timeless tradition of being terrifyingly rapey psychopaths who do nothing but sleep and kill, into very, very, very pretty people who are super-horny about their weird fetishes and yeah, I guess they want your blood, but what they really want is your girlfriend, homie. If you put fangs on everyone in The O.C. and set it a little further east, all it would take now is one "Welcome to the Transylvania, Bitch" to set off a cultural touchstone, now. It's cheap, stupid bullshit. Vampires—male and female alike—have been castrated of their fear-factor. Christopher Walken performing "Poker Face" is scarier than Twilight, the most famous vampire franchise of our time. Hell, Twilight fans are scarier than the vampires in Twilight. Just ask Robert Pattinson.

In this month's GQ, Tom Carson penned a essay sharing my distaste for what now passes for scary, compelling, and sexy, titled (naturally) "There's A Sucker Born Every Minute." While he enjoys True Blood for what it is, Carson closes by arguing that even zombies, undead as they are, are a smarter buy than vampires:

No wonder the bloodsuckers' main competition in pop circles is a renewed craze for zombies, the ultimate fantasy of mindless egalitarianism turned comic nightmare. Funny enough, they were always American: Defined a scant forty years ago by George A. Romero's Night of the Living Dead, they could be the only genuinely original contribution to monster lore we've ever made. As a given-we may be dumb, but we've got working brains-zombies feed on their superiors. But I can't think of a vampire tale in which that's been true, which is the sickest reason we can sneakily imagine ourselves being one. Not exactly a pretty picture of our secret lives in 2009, is it? Go vampire or go zombie, America: It's your choice. Just don't say this great country doesn't offer you one.

Remember when teenage girls loved the Backstreet Boys in a narrative where Lou Pearlman was the villain? Anything that can remotely make those seem like The Days absolutely blows. Vampires are not the new gays. Vampires belong nowhere near the word "tampons." Vampires should not be a clever narrative eye-wink joke to those who adopt them as "bloodsuckers." Vampires are the most boring, dumbed-down, unsexy, overplayed, ridiculous narrative device out there. This used to be the stuff of good literature! Holler back, Vampire Archives scholar Otto Penzler:

All (teenage girl Twilight fans) are in love with the vampire. Why is that? Because he's cool. He has got good manners. He's good looking. He's thoughtful of his girlfriend. Whereas most teenage boys are lame. They're at the mall with their baseball caps on backwards and they act like idiots. Girls are looking for someone a little more sophisticated and a little cooler.

Right, well, that guy doesn't exist in 8th grade. And soon, when Twilight fans grow up, they'll realize that vampires' sense of "romance" was just the long-con to get in their pants; male, female, doesn't matter. But forget the perceptions, forget the implications on teenagers, forget the literary device. Forget all that stuff. There are just better stories out there. Bottom line. We've got better scaries in Rabbi Boteach and Glenn Beck and 3/4ths of Murray Hill past 2AM on a Thursday night than any vampire can ever give us.

Give me a break. Vampires are fuckin' stupid. I hope they die. Forever.

Boo. Celebrities, no one's about to save you from the beast that's gonna strike. Which is me.

• Well, well, well. What do we have today for you guys? Only the most royally blue of Blue Plate Specials. You want traif? We've got your traif right here:

  Jon Gosselin has been told to dump girlfriend Hailey Glassman. His spiritual guru, Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, told us, "I have advised him to end it with Hailey. It is unacceptable to be in a relationship when he is still married and has to take care of kids who are hurting. It is not a healthy relationship." Gosselin's expected to announce the split during a speech at the West Side Synagogue at 7 p.m. tomorrow.

  Dear Jon Gosselin,

  Ahem. Or rather: achem.

  Not that I'm properly licensed in any way to speak on behalf of The Jews—besides the fact that, you know, I control the media, heh—but seriously, we don't want you. While you're at it, you can take this crook rabbi who managed to sneak you onto a bima with you. Seriously, I don't know which of you is worse: the famewhore Chabad rabbi supposedly trying to give you spiritual consultation, operating under the guise of a Magical Jew who can help you find yourself, or you, the out-and-out famewhore. Well, let's go by who has more kids, right? More to ruin. You've got eight. Boteach?

  Rabbi Shmuley is married to his Australian wife, Debbie, and they have nine children.

  We have a winner! But you're still an asshole and we still don't want you. Thanks.

  Signed,

  Foster

  PS - Are you fucking kidding me? [Page Six, NYDN]
  
  

• Oh, and also, he's trying to control people with suicide threats. I wonder if he picked that one up off his kids. [NYDN]
  
  
• And in other news, Jon Gosselin has officially been named Assface of the Year, 2009, via a certain august news organization, the designator of which is known for his breakthrough research in the field of Lady Gaga's penis. When theoretically asked what he'd do with the theoretical prize money, Gosselin theoretically said something that had nothing to do with his kids and everything to do with his hand-wringing guilt about being a Fuckface, thereby making him more of a Fuckface. That last part was not theoretical. [Gawker]
  
  
• Rob Patz and K-Stew have finished filming Eclipse. Related: Robert Pattinson still hates his psychotic fans. So much so that he's talking about marrying Kristen Stewart, apparently. Love it. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Hugh Jackman is preparing himself for the emotional challenges that await him once he passes down the crown of People's Sexiest Man Alive to the next winner. My bookie back home has great odds on this year, and I'm supposed to tell you all that the 20:1 bet on Clark Hoyt's a real steal, all things considered. Full disclosure: I skim $0.30 to the dollah every time someone makes that bet. But again: it's a great deal. [People]
  
  
• This is awesome: A-Rod—who is currently using his bat to win the World Series for the Yankees—also manages to hit home with his other bat quite often. Yes, I'm talking about his penis. And Kate Hudson, who can't stop talking to everyone about it. This includes her parents, but come on, like Goldie Hawn minds. Goldie Hawn wants to know this shit. But that's not the awesome part. What's awesome is what Goldie Hawn probably doesn't want to know: that A-Rod has a portrait of himself painted as a centaur—yes, that kind of centaur—above his bed that he had commissioned. Read that again: A-Rod has a portrait of himelf painted as a centaur above his bed. As a Yankees fan—I know, I know—this hurts. It couldn't have been Matsui? Or Damon? Or Posada? Posada would've been great! Even Melky! Melky would've been hysterical. But seriously, it had to be you, didn't it, Alex? Come on. You make it way, way, way too easy for them. This is your first World Series. You don't even grow hooves until your ninth. Get there. Related: "Jesus." [NYDN]
  
  
• Paparazzi can be complete assholes, and really, the New York Post should've outed this one by name so he can get egged tonight or something. One of them was stalking her outside her West Village place as she was walking her dog and kept egging her on about what it's like to act on Broadway so close to Jude Law (their respective shows are more or less around the corner from one another). Sienna burst into tears and told the guy to fuck off. Instead, the Post decided to take the classy way about this one, headlining it "Sienna's stressed." Maybe true! But more interesting is what a complete asshole some people can be, proved twice with one item in entirely different contexts. Nice! [Page Six]
  
  
• Uh, best day of life, ev-ar. Lady Gaga will be performing with a ballet company. Hopefully they'll do Swan Lake and Our Lady of the Immaculate Penis will be BatSwan-na and she will be bubblefoamed to a tragic demise in the third act by a gang of Tangthirsty Spanish warlord anteaters. Ballet is awesome. [NYDN]
  
  
• Lil Wayne's being sued by some guy who's claiming Wayne stole his voice and used it on two records. To which I say: (1), Well, he needed it; hell, Lil Wheezy could use my voice. And (2), if that's all he stole, consider yourself lucky, gangster. You got off easy. Dahcktah Cah-tah doesn't usually put in such bush-league performances. [NYDN]
  
  
• Molly Sims is doing charity work in Haiti. It's difficult to laugh at celebrities doing work like this. On one hand, yes, they're probably furthering their own celebrity by doing it. On the other hand, I don't have the resources to, and our government's too incompetent to. So: what do you do? You read the Page Six item and play along. [Page Six]
  
  
• Heh. Madonna's boyfriend, Jesus—not the Jewish one—got beat out for some modeling campaign. Obvi. Fake Jesus never wins. At anything. [Page Six]
  
  
• New York Post restaurant critic Steve Cuozzo's gonna have a heart attack. Another asshole Russian billionaire spent a bunch of money at Nello's, one of if not The Worst Restaurant In New York. It's probably because they couldn't get into Rao's, or Minetta. I really, really hope they got turned away from Minetta. The nice thing about New York is that you can go to restaurants better than Nello's that Russian billionaires can't go to because they have too much of a shitshow following them wherever they go. Komrade Dickfor couldn't go to Joseph Leonard. Hell, he probably couldn't hit Corner Bistro. And Chang wouldn't take him either. So you know what, Russian Billionares? Suckit. Keep eating at Nello's. The food there sucks and you're gonna lap it up. All the better for us. Also, seriously, I hope McNally turned you away. [Page Six]
  
  
• Leighton Meester's going to slum it at the opening of American Eagle in Times Square by singing there. Also, Times Square continues to suck. Shocker. [Page Six]
  
  
• A gossip reporter who's been heavy on the Todd English beat may have had a close encounter with him, yesterday. [BlackBook]
  
  
• WTF. There's a new MTV show starring assholes. I didn't even read the article, I have no idea what it's about. Just look at the picture. Look. Where do they get these people? Is there a casting agency who just has a monopoly on this kind of thing? [NYDN]
  
  
• Jessica Simpson needs a man, and apparently, she's given her list of needs to the Daily News. How about one that doesn't feed into her daddy issues, for one? Related: every time Joe Simpson comes up, I feel compelled to mention the fact that Joe Simpson has an Arcade Fire song written about him. Anyway, Jessica's ideal man is supposedly intellectual, sensitive, spiritual, and is artistically inclined. She just returned from a trip to India, too. Takeaway: women of the world need to stop reading Eat, Pray, Love, and they need to stop now. Most women are smarter than that, but to the ones who aren't, and Jessica, this jam goes out to you: Except for Sting, they're not real. You get us, instead. Welcome to reality. We're not Gandhi, but we try. Kinda. Related: we came to terms with the fact that you're not all gonna be Natalie Portman a long, long time ago. [NYDN]

And of course, this:

Again: Boo.

[Photo via Anderson/Vila/David Krieger Bauer-Griffin]

Life & Style
"I Lost 82 Lbs!"
Everyone loves a weight loss story… Except for us. Six pages of Biggest Loser info — including an "old diet" versus "new diet" chart and the obligatory grilled chicken over salad photo. Moving on: "More Heels For Suri" is self-explanatory (See image 7). "Wow! How Did They Do That?" is a baby weight feature in which pregnancy weights are compared to post-pregnancy weights. All weights were estimated from photos by a doctor who does not treat the stars. Obviously. Jessica Simpson and Gerard Butler had a "hot and flirty date"! The lead image looks like a shot of the happy couple, but it's actually two pictures cleverly pasted together. (See image 8; we added arrows pointing to the seam.) A source says Jess and Gerard had chemistry, but she ended up going home with her hairdresser. Someone else says: "He's horny, but there's nothing really going on between them." Next: Brad Pitt had a motorcycle mishap and told some guy that Angie was going to kill him, because she thinks motorcycles are too dangerous. (But didn't she buy him the bike?) Psychotherapist Jenn Berman, who does not treat Brad, says: "I don't think it's a good idea for a father to risk his safety." Lastly: Ashlee Simpson's character has been written out of Melrose Place and she is "devastated." And! Losing her salary is not good for the Simpson-Wentzes.
Grade: F (broken filling)

OK!
"Split!"
Robert Pattinson showed up 45 minutes late to the Eclipse wrap party, and when he left, he was wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses. The mag writes: "The reason? He was hiding his broken heart." A "friend" of the couple's says he was talking marriage but Kristen Stewart wasn't ready. Apparently Kristen filmed some steamy love scenes with Taylor Lautner, and keeps talking about how he's getting "bigger and bigger and bigger." A source says "she couldn't stop noticing his bod. His hot bod." Anyways, Rob and Kristen are on a break, but it doesn't mean things are over. The break, interestingly enough, coincides with the hiatus between Twilight movies. (Robert doesn't want to go to LA with Kristen because he's scared of earthquakes.) Next: Bradley Cooper told Renée Zellweger he wants to slow down before anyone's feelings get hurt. The mag calls out Star for printing that Mary-Kate got engaged and also refutes Life & Style's claim that Angelina Joie has a fear of hugging. Check out the "exhaustive research" by their "Investigative Team" (See image 9). Jennifer Aniston is "one step closer to being a mom" because she visited an orphanage in Tijuana, where she made the kids spaghetti for dinner. She's also house-hunting in Mexico. Lastly: There's a two-page feature on Abigail Spencer, who plays Suzanne Farrell — aka Don Draper's mistress — on Mad Men.
Grade: D- (poppy seed stuck in teeth)

In Touch
"Running Back To Jen."
Brad got into a motorcycle accident, but the real news is that he was on his way to a "top secret meeting" with Jennifer Aniston. In other words: Brad was trying to get to Jen and away from Angie so fast, he had an accident! According to sources, Angelina is "not liking" the independent streak that Brad has been showing lately, and Brad realizes that leaving Jen for Angie was "hotheaded and dumb." A "pal" says: "They had a whirlwind affair and he was following Angelina around like a love sick puppy for a while." But now? "He sees her for nasty, calculating person that she is, and he wants to leave. It's terrible, because he feels trapped." Next there are disturbing photos of RHONJTeresa Giudice's new baby wearing feathers and leopard print. (See image 10). Ashlee Simpson "cried in her dressing room" after getting the boot from Melrose Place, poor thing. Jon Gosselin has agreed to star in a "cheesy" new reality show in which he dates Nadya Suleman. It will be called Jon - Kate = Jon+ Octomom. BREAKING: "Katie Holmes returns to her sad life in Boston with Tom Cruise." BREAKING: Susan Boyle is younger than Madonna. (See image 11). Lastly, Matthew McConaughey's kid is just a tiny version of Matthew McConaughey. (See image 12).
Grade: D (pineapple string stuck in teeth)

Us
"This Time I'm Sure."
The guy from The Bachelor proposed to Meilssa Rycroft, then broke it off and got with the Molly from the show, and is now engaged to Molly. Or something. We didn't read the story. Moving on: An Melrose Place insider says they hired Ashlee because they needed a good name for "buzz," but she was embarrassingly bad. Another source says: "She's the worst actress, but nobody will tell her." The spread called "Tinseltown Transformations" is the best thing we have ever seen and proves that everyone you suspect had a nose job (coughTyracough) actually did. The ones you're not sure about are the ones with really good surgeons. (See images 13 and 14 ). Madonna gives Jesus expensive presents when she regrets being nasty to him. She bosses him around, feels guilty later, then buys him stuff like hand-tailored silk shirts. Ryan Gosling is still pining for Rachel McAdams. A friend says Ryan considered Rachel the love of his life and hasn't had eyes for anyone else since their breakup. Taylor Swift invited Taylor Lautner to the set of a commercial she was filming and a source says "they were definitely acting like a couple." Next is the amazing chart which proves that Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Aniston are "on the same path." They like Mexican food! They have great hair! (See image 15). Kate Hudson and A-Rod are planning their life together, and A-Rod is "less of a jerk" now that he's with Kate. Apparently the sex is good and Kate "gets graphic" talking about A-Rod's body — "even to her parents." In Jackson kids news, a source says all the guys in the family (Joe; the Jackson brothers) look at them with dollar signs in their eyes — while the women (Katherine, the Jackson sisters) are protecting them.
Grade: D+ (popcorn husk stuck in teeth)

Star
"Tom & Katie: The End"
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' third wedding anniversary is coming up — November 18 — which means they can "renegotiate their marriage contract"! When they got hitched, Tom had a 100-page document drawn up, spelling out everything from Katie's clothing allowance to a cash bonus for having babies. She wants: A bigger clothing allowance; for Tom to find a movie for her to star in; and another Broadway show. She got a $3 million "gift" when she had Suri, and every year Tom increases the additional offspring prize offer as an incentive for Katie to get pregnant. This year he's prepared to bump it up to $5 million! Tom wants Katie to get pregnant NOW and every week he reminds her that she is 30 and her biological clock is ticking away. Her dad's a lawyer, so she talks to him about the contract and is holding off on the baby while the deal is being made. If Tom and Katie don't work out the contract, they could split and fight over Suri — plus, Katie could "spill some of Tom's dark secrets." Next: New Line Cinema is supposedly casting a Jon and Kate movie, and would like Cameron Diaz for Kate and Johnny Depp for Jon. Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel were photographed together recently, and Rihanna got a ton of calls asking if she'd seen the pictures. She "flipped," because she's really into Justin. When she emailed him and asked him what was going on, he said he was trying to work things out with Jess. Now Rihanna feels that she got played. Kate Hudson answered A-Rod's cellphone, and when he complained, she threw the phone in the toilet. Blind item! "Which divorcée hasn't had a date with a man in months, because she digs the ladies? The housewife introduced her girl as 'a friend,' but now that things are over, she's on the prowl for a new gal to keep her company." This is weird: "Rachel Bilson wears the pants" in her relationship because she and Hayden Christensen went out to dinner and she ordered his meal, picked up the bill, and, "when they left, Rachel even drove!" Brad and Angie's English bulldog, Jack, destroyed a $500,000 Marcel Dzama painting. Jenny Craig spokeswoman Queen Latifah had breakfast in Beverly Hills and ordered a latte, three muffins, a slice of chocolate cake and a cinnamon roll to go. A source says: "She had a guilty look on her face." Maddox has been pushing his parents to get married, so in late September, Brad and Angie had a ceremony at their house, and it was officiated by Maddox. He assigned roles for everyone: Shiloh was the "ring bear"; Zahara was the flower girl, and Pax was the best man. Viv and Knox watched and giggled. Angelina wore a white dress; Brad wore a suit; Maddox wore camouflage; Pax wore a soccer jersey; Shiloh had her sword; Zahara wore a dress and tiara. Moving along: Kristen Stewart did not show up to the Eclipse wrap party and Robert Pattinson only stayed for 45 minutes before leaving alone. Sources say they had a fight on October 15 because Rob told Kristen that he was going back to the UK on their hiatus and wouldn't have time for her. Noah Cyrus, 9, wore a "racy getup" to a fundraiser last weekend. (See image 16). Jen, Jess and Cam are in the center of the "Hollywood Love Swap," surrounded by a constellation of guys (See image 17). Is Heather Locklear to blame for Ashlee Simpson getting fired from Melrose Place? Sources say Heather wanted her gone so it could be her show. Lastly, Miranda Kerr and Jamie King are "skin and bones." The mag writes of Kerr: "Although she refuses to reveal her true weight, Dr. Fisher believes Miranda weighs about 110 lbs." Does this mean a reporter actually called her publicist and asked for Miranda Kerr's weight?!?! Dr. Fisher, who has not treated Miranda, is the author of The Park Avenue Diet. Obviously.
Grade: C- (spinach stuck in teeth)

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• Michael Lohan went on Maury Povich-Maury Povich? Really?-to say that there's "nothing left" of Lindsay Lohan, and that he doesn't want to see her die. Morbid! He says she called him crying hysterically after she got robbed and the Daily News reports Lohan as saying she's doing fine. Well, she got that Robert Rodriguez role, so maybe. On the other hand, he could be right, given, well, you know. Look at her. Really. When what Michael Lohan says about you -in a universe of insane, distinct possibility-might hold water, yes, you have problems. [NYDN]
  
  
• Robert Pattinson's mom believes what she reads about him. Like OMG HE IS SO CUTE I H8 KRISTEN STEWART SO MUCH YOU GUYZZZ!!!!! Also, he's been approached by fans who want their necks bitten by him. Some people don't deserve necks. Teenagers are ridiculous; related news, I feel old. His security force has to keep fans-not even stalkers, just plain old fans-away from him. He literally has to keep women away with a stick. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Pete Wentz wants to have a "soccer team" of children. On behalf of soccer fans and the rest of civilization: don't. [People]
  
  
• The Osbourne Family's Ways to Get Drugs, Number 1,042: get a collagen injection. Nice one, Kelly. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• ARR MATEY. The Dread Pirate Rihanna wants to take you under her umbrellarrrrr. [Just Jared]

  
  

• Damn, Jon Gosselin. You are fucking up and consequently getting fucked in every possible way. TLC's suing Gosselin for breach of contract now that he's basically canceled production on TLC's "hit" show. Ha, TLC, we knew you were some evil bastards. See, TLC suing Jon costs the family money and eventually to repay all the legal fees they're going to have to go back on the show and be completely broke, and TLC's ratings go up: genius! I wonder if they'd do this to the midgets if they wanted to leave the network. Also, Kate's thinking about suing him or threatening him in court or whatever because he hacked into her email. Naturally. Also, did the Daily News just get this chyron for Jon and Kate gossip?
  

  Looks like the graphic design intern's in today. Meanwhile, welcome to #Gosselip (thank you, Sarrible). Your Jon and Kate rage-rants on how much you hate them (and/or #Gosselip specific tips) are welcome.

  [NYDN]

  
  

• People wants to know if Kevin Costner's the new David Hasselhoff. Costner's kicking off a tour with his band and will be going through Germany. David Hasselhoff would comment but he's probably drunk on the floor crying into his cheeseburger over the threat to his reign over the Rhineland or whatever. [People]
  
  
• The Kardashians are teaming up with Bebe for a clothing line. Great, but does the world need more Apple Bottom jeans than it already has? Yes, that's about Kim having a large ass, the only thing any of them are actually famous for. Oh, and her sex tape with Brandy's brother. That, too. [NYDN]
  
  
• Ugh. The NYDN's big gossip story this morning is that Anna Nicole Smith took perscription meds while pregnant with Larry Birkhead's baby. Like you even needed to be reminded of this story, this is one of those things we pretty much all probably could've guessed and/or figured out on our own if we actually wanted to think about it. Which nobody did. She took methadone to offset the back pain caused by her breast implants, and also, used to drink out of baby bottles and eat baby food she kept bedside while she was pregnant (in anticipation of her baby). This all came out when Birkhead was testifying in some shady case about the shady people who gave her drugs. Meanwhile, thanks NYDN, for sucking up my morning. [NYDN]
  
  
• Upper West Sider to America: Madonna won't STFU. America to Upper West Sider: STFU obnoxious person. Complaining about Madonna being a shitty neighbor is just as obnoxious as Madonna being a shitty neighbor. [NYDN]
  
  
• Didn't know this! Tina Fey was a 24 year-old virgin. She told Letterman Wednesday night on his show, followed by a "I couldn't give it away." Who'd she give it up to? Her husband and the father of her kids. In related news, how can you not like this woman? [NYDN]
  
  
• Fred Durst is getting divorced after three months. He did it all for the nookie, COME ON, the nookie, COME ON, the nookie, COME ON, so you can take that prenup, and stick it up your YEAH, stick it up your YEAH, stick it up your YEAH. Related: remember when Limp Bizkit sold records? I don't! Eternal Sunshine machine, take me awayyyyy!!!! [NYDN]

  [Photo via David Kriger/Bauer-Griffin]

Us
"How I Survived Abuse."
The Mary Murphy cover story is about how she was married to this guy from 1978 to 1987 and he raped her, beat her and blamed her for having a miscarriage. Then she got into dancing and it saved her life. Next: Beyoncé called Lady Gaga and asked her if she wanted to be in a video shoot — with two hours notice— and Gaga said yes! Heidi Montag says she's gearing up for a second nose job after being elbowed in the face during a dance rehearsal. The Jackson Family is still shooting their A&E reality show — to air in December and MJ's kids will be included. Rebbie Jackson allegedly feels Michael would "spin in his grave" if he knew. Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer are secretly back on: A source says she just can't let go — and she's sad that her summer flings have moved on and Vince Vaughn has been on TV lately and so on. But John is so busy getting ready for a tour he can't even think about dating. Taylor Swift was seen in a "romantic embrace" with Taylor Lautner at one of her concerts. "But the Taylors' teenage hormones really took off at the after-party," the mag claims.
Grade: D- (slimy boiled okra)

OK!
"Inside Our Home."
Just so we're clear: At no point do Rob or Kristen utter the quotes on the cover like "Inside our home" or "we're already like a married couple." This is fanfic about Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart's "love nest" at the Vancouver Sheraton Wall Centre, where they supposedly share the entire 34th floor with adjoining 2-bedroom suites, and a third suite for guests. Rob and Kristen sleep in a king-size bed and microwave Rob's "beloved Hot Pockets" in one of three kitchens. And! "Their room contains no fewer than six natural gas fireplaces, in front of which Rob serenades Kristen with Van Morrison and John Lee Hooker tunes on one of his Gibson guitars, and Kristen reads aloud from the volume of Virgil's Doomed Love that he gave her this year." A "friend" says when they have a day off, they sleep and cuddle all day. One time after out running the paparazzi, they got into an elevator and, as the mag puts it, "then they ascended to their celestial nest and left the real world behind." Also, the picture of their "bedroom" in this story is directly from the hotel's website. Next: George Clooney is trying to quit boozing so he didn't invite Brad Pitt to Italy this summer — a "source" says "he didn't want to get sucked into an endless drinking session." Justin Timberlake is telling his inner circle that Jessica Biel has changed since they first met and he wants to see other women. But she refuses to let go! They're giving the romance another chance, because JT "doesn't want to go out like that" — looking like a cad. Moving on: Kourtney Kardashian is having a boy. Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner — who met on the set of Valentine's Day — may be dating. They've been calling and texting "all the time." Apparently TL threatened to kick Kanye's butt and TS was touched. At the Gosselin Twins birthday party, the girls blew out candles and then told a camera crew member that their wish was for mommy and daddy to stop fighting. Sniff. Rihanna is "looking more fierce than ever." The secret behind her new confidence? She's finally stopped talking to Chris Brown.
Grade: F for false story, upgraded to D for entertainment value (old pumpkin turned into jack o' lantern)

In Touch
"At War With Tom."
Apparently Katie's parents came to visit. But it wasn't just a visit — it was a "crisis talk." They're not happy with Tom pressuring Katie to have another baby when she's not ready. Despite the tension, Tom and Katie are trying to keep Suri happy. Even though the mag claims TomKat is fighting over religion, Suri's already enrolled in Catholic pre-school. So whatever. Next: Lindsay Lohan may have tried to kill herself. Her rep denies the story, but Grazia reported she'd been rushed to the hospital at 8 in the morning with deep slash wounds on her right wrist. She'd been drinking and crying for hours. She allegedly told hospital staff she'd cut herself trying to open a bottle of wine. Michael Lohan tells the mag: "Look at Michael Jackson. I'm afraid she's headed down that path." Next there's a six-page story called "Why They Can't Stop Gaining," which includes Oprah, Kelly Clarkson, Jon Gosselin, Kirstie Alley and Kevin Federline. Also inside: Jon Gosselin sucks because he pulled one of his daughters by the ponytail and yanked one of his son's arms. Then he promised Mady a laptop and Cara an ATV. A psychologist who does not treat Jon says, "You can't put a kid on an ATV." Did you know that Jesus gets an allowance? Madonna gives him about $10,000 a month to cover expenses. Nicole Kidman has "gone to far" with her "shockingly smooth skin." (See image 7).
Grade: D (mushy zucchini)

Life & Style
"Two More Babies On The Way!"
The Angie story is called "I WANT EVEN MORE BABIES!" She told the British magazine Stylist, "I can see further additions to the family — both adopted and our own." An insider says: "Some people get addicted to drugs and alcohol. Brad and Angie are addicted to children." The mag adds: "It's a dangerous addiction." Oh, and by the way: "Brad was smooth and youthful… before he started raising a family." (See image 8). Moving along: Kristin Davis says: "I'm 44 and I want a baby." As Russell Brand's ex-girlfriend, Georgina Baillie has a warning for Katy Perry: "I don't think he's capable of monogamy. I was part of his conveyor belt of women coming through his door. If you go to one of those famous bars or clubs in London, every second girl in there knows what Russell is like in bed, from personal experience. An ex who dated Brand before Georgina says: "It wouldn't be fair for me to call him a scumbag… He's just a boy." Couple name alert: Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner are "Taylor Squared." Suri Cruise is "so grown up" with her lipstick, heels and Starbucks. One caption reads: "Lipstick on a 3-year-old? Suri looked like a teenager." Actually, she didn't. "America's Worst Dad" is all about Jon Gosselin. He's addicted to fame, he should grow up, and he needs to mediate with Kate, say "experts." Katherine Heigl's adopted baby Naleigh had two holes in her heart when she was born and open-heart surgery when she was 3 months old. Ben Affleck has been "chatty and flirty" with his costar Rebecca Hall on the set of his new movie The Town. And she looks just like Jennifer Garner (See image 9)! Lastly: Beyoncé and Lady Gaga will be in B's upcoming video, "Video Phone." Everything on the set was hush-hush, but this story informs us that Beyoncé wears a feathered dress, Gaga wears something wild, and the fashion is "sick and insane."
Grade: D+ (burnt squash)

Star
"Lindsay Hits Rock Bottom!"
This mag claims Lindsay Lohan collapsed on October 6 at a party thrown by Mario Testino. She fell into a "booze-filled tailspin" after learning that the Ungaro show was an "epic failure." While she was in Paris she was partying every single day and an insider says: "Lindsay is a wreck, a mess, a disaster. She's an obituary waiting to happen." (See image 10) At the party she read the Ungaro reviews and then had a meltdown. She was crying and shouting and later she passed out drunk and her friends got her out of the place. The mag says that when she drinks she "craves cocaine" immediately and "will go to any lengths to get it." Once she made a friend drive from Hollywood to Santa Monica just to get drugs and then snorted a line off the console of the car while the car was moving. A "friend" says Lindsay is taking Paxil, Xanax, Ativan, Valium and Adderall. "She'll just reach into her bag and take a handful without looking to see who they are." By the by, 15-year-old Ali Lohan partied alongside her sister in Paris. In addition, insiders say a year and a half ago, Lindsay started getting Botox on her forehead and between her eyebrows. A source says "her upper face is practically frozen. Plus she's addicted to lip fillers… I doubt she can feel her lips anymore." Someone else says: "Lindsay is afraid of being alone, so she ends up trolling restaurants in Hollywood that are open 24 hours, where lots of seedy people hang out. She ends inviting some of the lowlifes home." Her favorite pickup line is to tell guys she's not wearing any underwear. "Some of her hookups have already robbed her. She'll wake up and find stuff missing. Half the time she doesn't remember what she did. She could easily end up murdered." Also inside: Taylor Momsen's skirts get shorter and shorter. (See image 11.) As Patsy Stone once said: "One snap of my fingers and I can raise hemlines so high the whole world's your gynecologist!" Whitney Port and Leonardo DiCaprio are dating. Blind item: "Which sweet starlet may be switching teams? Fed up with her baby daddy's drama, she recently confided to a friend that the ladies have been looking really good lately." Jessica Simpson had to rewrite her speech for a gala to benefit Operation Smile: She froze when the teleprompter started and complained that she couldn't even pronounce half the words. Chris Brown wants to keep the orange vest from his community service — as a reminder of how awful things can get if he flips out again. Khloe and Lamar: "It's over already." They had a fight when he got back late from a game and Khloe asked for a back massage. He refused and said she should give him a massage after playing a tough game. They argued; she slept in another room that night, and the next night he went out and flirted with other girls. Britney Spears and Jason Trawick are back on. Jon Gosselin wants to hook up with Kate's best friend, Jamie Cole Ayres. They've always had a secret attraction and now have been sending sexy texts! David Letterman's wife, Regina Lasko, has locked Dave out of their $5 million mansion and he's been sleeping at his apartment in Tribeca. She's not letting him see their son Harry, either. He's been sending jewelry and flowers, but it's not working. Brad and Angelina have "given up" disciplining their kids; they're not into yelling at them or something. The kids have dinner around 11pm — a "smorgasboard of snacks." There's no set bedtime of when to sleep or where to lay their heads. The kids sleep in Brad and Angie's bed and wear whatever they want. "Sometimes Zahara falls asleep in her Sleeping Beauty dress, which has permanent chocolate milk stains on it." Pax and Maddox are raising a child army: They shoot paint guns in the house, fire plastic arrows at the nanny, and have enlisted Shiloh and Zahara to join their ranks. Oh, and Maddox wanted to pierce Vivienne's ears himself, with a pin, but Angie decided to have it done professionally.
Grade: B+ (sauteed spinach)

(click "full size" to enlarge)

• Robert Pattinson's going out partying in Vancouver with Kristen Stewart. So, all you crazy, insane teenage stalkers, get your Canadian visas ready, go forth, and when you're deported for being fucked up and insane Robert Pattinson stalkers, at least pocket some of that BC Kush on your way home for me. I did, after all, tell you where he was. [Ed. Okay, no, but really: the Showbiz Spy item was about a "low-key" party in Vancouver. The title of the Showbiz Spy item was about Pattinson "partying hard" in Vancouver. You know why Robert Pattinson gets written about at all on the internet? Because teenagers use Google, and SEO Sandwich Making Magic is wonderful. Robert Pattinson could take a shit and I'd get at least 12,000 hits about it. Actually, probably far more than that, because we have yet to breach the fourth dimension where we report on Robert Pattison's bowel movements, which, yes, his fucked-up bloodthirsty teenage fans would be interested to know. To Mr. Pattinson, I suggest you eat as many segmented vegetables in the following months as you can. Specifically, anything that would go in a hearty winter soup.] [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Michael Jackson didn't like Pepsi. No shit. As the sole proprietor of Jackson's only assassination attempt, I wouldn't expect Jackson to be anything but a Coke fan, either. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Some guy saw Mike Myers at a basketball court in New York and was like, hey, you're Dr. Evil. Which, well: yes. Correct. [Page Six]
  
  
• Chelsea Handler and her network exec boyfriend are still very much together. They were spotted in Atlantic City—Atlantic City?!—being together. Why, of all places?....Jesus. [NYP]
  
  
• Erin Lucas from The City and Leven "Sister of Mary" Rambin (from Days of Our Lives or whatever shitty soap she's doing these days) went out to Goldbar and saw cameras and Kelly Cutrone and freaked out and ran away. Cutrone, who's hysterical and awesome, had this to say to Page Six: "I think people were partying too hard to pay attention, because those cameras weren't there for me." Which basically translates to "If those bitches weren't so coked up they would've realized that I was just there to get a drink, sans TV crew." [Page Six]
  
  
• Lukas Haas and Miranda Kerr were dancing for an entire night at the Jane Hotel while the dude from Kings of Leon kept staring at them, and oh yeah, she's supposed to be dating Orlando Bloom, whoops. [Page Six[
  
  
• Amy Winehouse got her teeth fixed because in the great tradition of British Teeth, they were sincerely fucked up. Of course, they gave her really strong drugs to deal with the pain, so while she might have nice teeth, now, she's still very much a crackhead, this time, with a doctor's endorsement. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• One of those Real Creatures from Dirty Jersey, Danielle Staub, told Jennifer Aniston not to judge New Jersey and make jokes about it smelling, which she did on Chelsea Handler's show the other night. Honestly, though, most people from New Jersey know that New Jersey smells. But it's like a bog out of which emerges wonderful creatures like Bruce Springsteen, Danny DeVito, and seminal emo bands like Saves The Day, who actually have a song about the smell of New Jersey reminding them of their mediocre lives. If anything, Staub can't smell New Jersey because she's had her nose buried in something—the shit? Blow?—for far too long. [US]
  
  
• Ouch, Ashley Dupré: you got sold down the river for Tommy "Agent Nilla" Hilfiger by Russell Simmons. Simmons was going to take Dupré to Hilfigah's party and Tommy dis-invited her. Simmons, who's not famous for anything other than once inventing Def Jam and nowadays, doing yoga and possibly young men, dis-invited Dupré to the party. But really: who wants to a Tommy Hilfiger party? Oh. Wait. It was at the Jane Hotel. Well, Dupré: sucks! [Page Six]
  
  
• Broadway gossip: Chris Rock was supposed to be in David Mamet's new play, Race, but the word being preemptively put out on the street is that his schedule had too many conflicts. Which, note smirky husband and wife gossip duo Rush & Molloy, is not at all about his wife hating Kerry Washington, or trying to deal with the threat of Kerry Washington on her mans. Not at all. Meanwhile, Chris "Smack Her With The Dick" Rock has a new book coming out, and it's probably pretty good. [NYDN]
  
  
• Uh oh. As cool as Jay-Z kept his shit when Lil Mama burst on stage with him and Alicia Keys at the end of the VMAs, he apparently freaked out when he got backstage, screaming at producers about security. I like that Jay-Z's biggest security threat these days is now Lil' "Lip Gloss" Mama. My, rap community, how times have changed. "He went ballistic. He was screaming at the MTV producers about the lack of security. He apparently thought at first she was just a fan. Beyoncé finally calmed him down." [NYDN]
  
  
• Same R & M item: did you know Warren Buffet drinks five cans of Cherry Coke a day? I'll be attempting to do this over the course of the day in order to make more money than I did yesterday. By drinking ten. We'll check in on me around 4PM, when I'm out cold from the meanest sugar high crash ever. [NYDN]
  
  
• Celebrities doing nice things: Sienna Miller apparently did really, really well in her first day on the job, not only impressing theatergoers, but greeting her fans outside the theater to sign programs and be generally nice. [NYDN]

• Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart claim to be "taking it slow," as in, not getting married yet, denying recent reports that Pattinson proposed to Stewart. However, we can probably project, for all of you stalkerish teenage Pattinson fans who have come to the site via search results, and would like to kill Kristen Stewart in cold blood, or at the very least, see her be cast out of the Twilight universe, that (A) she's not going anywhere and (B) unlike the characters of Stephanie Meyer's ridiculous vampire chastity universe, well: they're probably fucking. Have a nice Sunday, kids! [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Jude Law opened the first preview of Hamlet on Broadway last night, and he wasn't that bad. Not surprising! But then again, there wasn't an opportunity for him to pull his dick out and violate your (sister/girlfriend/nanny/presumably of-age daughter), so: good to know. [NYDN]
  
  
• John Travolta, wife Kelly Preston, and daughter Ella made their first public appearance at the premiere of Road Dogs since the death of their son, Jett. In all honesty, it looks like they're trying to smile, and would rather be somewhere else. I sincerely feel bad for them, crazy Scientology business or not. Look: [US]
  
  
• Some Malibu shopping center is advertising itself as a Paparazzi-Free Zone. Which is ridiculous. Because nothing in Malibu is Paparazzi-Free. [Page Six]
  
  
• Britney Spears used a music video audition to try to pick up on a model and take him home. This never works for me. Somehow, she didn't anticipate the model knowing that she's got two kids and is absolutely crazy. [NYDN]
  
  
• Tyson Beckford wasn't allowed in the VIP area at Mansion (or, ridiculously, "M2") so he started yelling at a bouncer, and then realized the bouncer was letting him in. I don't get it. Male models and they problems confuse me. [Page Six]
  
  
• Jets fans! You have so much to look forward to. Your hottie rookie quarterback Mark Sanchez listens to James Taylor before games to get pumped up. Hopefully he won't turn his offensive line on to Enya, lest he get knocked into submission after four snaps. [NYDN]
  
  
• More sports: Mets dynasty player Lenny Dykstra snuck his way into today's Gossip Roundup. He has to sell his 1986 World Series ring, because he's now only worth $50K. The world is sad, no? [NYDN]
  
  
• Nikki Beach—an island resort on Turks and Caicos—went bankrupt after the mega-celebrities who used to vacation there drying up. The place had personal butlers and a pillow menu, and you know what? Some extravagances are stupid, but a pillow menu, I wouldn't mind. I mean, that's stupid too, but I'd just love to say to someone: just bring me your fluffiest goose down in complete sincerity. [NYDN]
  
  
• VH1's going to be toning down the format of their reality shows after people started getting killed post-appearance. Because, you know, that's insane. Hey, though: remember Pop-Up Video, VH1? Nobody got killed by Pop-Up Video. Or Rock and Roll Jeopardy, though we did have to watch Mark McGrath school us all is pop culture knowledge. The guy has a MENSA-like aptitude for rock trivia, seriously. Who'd a thought? [Page Six]