Cityfile reports that the suit was settled for no money, and the site was taken down, and all that remains is for Drew Kerr to get his cheap ass insurance company to pay his legal bills in this very important case of the fundamental right to douchetaggery. "All's well that ends well," Kerr told us this morning.

As you can see, it is officially legal to call Ronn Torossian a "douche." It is also accurate, when you contrast Ronn's $20 million LOLsuit with Ronn's own tendency to have his firm buy up web domain names of competitors (and bloggers) and impersonate people in online comments in flagrant examples of sock puppetry and scrub the Ronn Torossian Wikipedia page on what must be a near-daily basis.

"Much a-douche about nothing."

[A commenter went to the trouble of scanning this item below, which "may be the single greatest item ever run by the New York Law Journal." Thank you, sir.]

In the past year and a half, we've heard from many former 5WPR employees complaining about how Ronn and his agency treat their employees—sample complaints here, and also here, for example. Complaints we've heard include not paying correctly for overtime, wanton firings, and, of course, Ronn's penchant for screaming at and/or suing his current and former employees. (Not to mention the things 5W does in the normal course of business). So it's not altogether surprising that the Labor department might take notice eventually. We've contacted Ronn and the state Labor department, and we'll let you know if and when we hear from them.

In the meantime, we've gotten a steady enough stream of tips to paint this basic picture: Labor dept. auditors arrive at 5W's office yesterday. Ronn allegedly tries to slip away quietly; then, gets angry—so angry that police have to come to the office to make sure the Labor dept. officials can do their job. This is the most complete account, written by a witness and passed on to us:

Someone from dept of labor showed up yesterday and asked to speak with Ronn.

The receptionist said Ronn wasn't available; then Ronn proceeded to the front,
pretending he was someone else. He started speaking with them and then he asked
them to leave. When they said refused, he started yelling at them and looked
like he was going to start fighting them. Then the cop showed up and escorting
the DOL people into Ronn's office.

Then the new receptionist sent an email "The Department of Labor is doing a random
audit on 5W. If you are asked to sit with one of them please do not be alarmed
and please cooperate."

And they randomly selected people to interview about working at 5W.

That's pretty much all of it.

HEH. Another tipster tells us that a friend who works at 5W put this up as their Gchat status:

"Should I be concerned if BOTH cops AND Department of Labor is in our office right now and our CEO pretended NOT to be the CEO?"

We would say yes but of course we are not public relations experts! And the worst part of all, we hear: "They didn't even get the day off."

UPDATE: A spokesperson for the Labor department confirms the visit and says it was generated by a tip about a workplace violation. "We did go there yesterday, we are investigating, and we encourage all workers in any part of the city or state to come forward if they think they're rights are being violated," she said. She had no further info about what, if anything, they've found.

[Know more? Email us. We'll update as necessary.]

The Jerusalem Post was somehow seduced into believing that Ronn is a respectable businessman and published a long interview with him. It is comical, as one would expect:

But money - which the Bronx boy-turned-Manhattanite admits to considering important - isn't the only thing he's after. Indeed, he insists, he's got strict red lines when it comes to clientele. The notorious Ponzi schemer Bernard Madoff, for example, whom he likens to a "mass murderer," is someone he claims he never would have represented. Ditto for terrorists or others out to harm Israel.

On the other hand, he does admire the PR prowess of some of the above, citing Al Jazeera TV as one example, and US President Barack Obama - whom he calls "a disaster" - as another.

"I don't think Obama is good for America and business," sez Ronn! These "strict red lines," though, do not preclude Ronn from having pyramid schemes or psycho pastor John Hagee or Joe Francis as clients. The other relevant thing that Ronn says in this interview:

It's true that many people in the business world today make public statements that bear little resemblance to reality.

[Via Agency Spy] Other ideas:

Learn to dance.

Do whatever Ronn [sic] Torossian says. Communicate gooder!

Hi [Editor of GayListDaily.com],

A recent study published in the June issue of Contraception Magazine presents findings that the "Pull Out" method of birth control rivals the use of condoms. http://www. guttmacher.org/pubs/journals/ reprints/Contraception79-407- 410.pdf

Published by sex researcher Rachel K. Jones and based on several studies and data from the Guttmacher Institute, the study indicates that "pulling out" before ejaculation is nearly effective as condoms in preventing pregnancy – calling the method "only slightly less effective" than condoms.
http://www.cbsnews.com/ stories/2009/05/28/health/ main5045514.shtml

This study has clearly raised concerns amongst healthcare experts, with lively opinions and debate being expressed across the media. To speak with 20 year veteran on contraception, Carol Carrozza, VP of Marketing for Ansell Healthcare, the makers of LifeStyles Condoms, please contact me. Carrozza is an industry expert and can provide commentary and insight on the study, as well as answer relevant questions.

All my best,

[Poor flack]
5W Public Relations

We hope you will take this family planning information to heart, gays.
5WPR is hiring, btw!
[Bad Pitch Blog]

And with more than 5.1 million jobs lost since the beginning of 2008 and 630,000 jobs lost in March alone, and with millions vying for the same rare and elusive job openings, more and more are turning to direct selling…

[Redacted pyramid scheme] has grown rapidly recently, with over 2,000 independent sales representatives across the country.

Distasteful maybe, but as Ronn also says, "It's a time for everyone to pitch in, and 'play hurt.' Get the job done. Work extra hard and get it done." You have to take what you can get these days! Particularly when your right-hand man Adam Handelsman recently left you for another PR firm, and your agency's headcount is down by more than half, and you're renting out space to the public in your too-large office, and your employees continue to write press releases that are the industry standard for "bad," and your $20 million lawsuit against some guy who called you a douchebag is just not paying off as you expected. Ronn's going through all this right now. So cut him some slack.

CareerBuilder has some "True Tales" from bosses about workers behaving badly. Here's one:

"Earlier this year, when I was senior vice president at my previous employer, two employees were having an interoffice romance. Their attempts to cover it up were ham-fisted at best. One afternoon, both employees were conspicuously missing from the office for an extended period of time. I was suspicious and began asking employees about their whereabouts. Suddenly, my mobile phone rang and a fellow [co-worker] reported them departing hand-in-hand from a cheap hotel (with no lobby or restaurant) two blocks from the office. We couldn't wait for them to get back." - Kevin A. Mercuri, president, Propheta Communications

Who's Kevin Mercuri?

[Previous 5WPR coverage here]

Despite my own promise to myself over the last few months not to write about Ronn and 5WPR unless they do something truly hilarioutrageous, the amount of disgruntled current and former 5W employees and exasperated reporters who continue to send tips never seems to decline. Just this week Ronn issued a bizarre press release saying his firm would be "making acquisitions" in 2009:

"We are targeting small firms and we are seeing a lot of Public Relations firms doing great work, but are facing tough times. We are very confident that we will continue to grow and view acquisitions as a component of that process. We are cash positive and want to invest in acquisitions to grow."

...he explained. This only prompted more people to point out to us:

• There have been quite a few layoffs at 5W this holiday season, causing much of the staff to live in perpetual terror for their jobs.
• 5W's LA office may or may not still actually exist, but it's not doing well. To say the least.
• Ronn is renting out space in his own offices to anyone at all. Cheap!
• Fun story from a tipster: In October, 5W's HR person—who replaced the last one, who Ronn sued—wanted to call in sick, but came into work, because her presence was requested. She went into a staff meeting, looking ill, and about 20 minutes into the meeting, "passed out, her back to the wall as she slithered to the floor." When she was revived, she finished the day at work. Then left the firm shortly after. Fun times.

But is 5W still sending out irrelevant press releases, which are then forwarded to us, constantly?

Re: Story Idea: OPRAH’S RECENT WEIGHT GAIN – THE FALL OF YO-YO DIETING AND THE RISE OF LIFESTYLE CHANGE

Hi [Reporter],

Oprah has hit 200 pounds and her image and dieting habits are now splashed across tabloids, gossip blogs and even mainstream columns. How does this influence ordinary Americans who are frustrated with their own weight loss struggles? To answer this question, I would like to suggest a panel of experts who can explain why all ‘diets’ are not created equal and why the only way to permanently lose weight is by changing your lifestyle:

Etc. Here's hoping for serenity in '09.

The New York Post jumps into the Douche Pulitzer lead with the headline to this story: FLAK IS DOUCHE TAGGED:

"Alpha-male publicist Ronn Torossian doesn't like being the poster boy for feminine hygiene.

So when a business rival allegedly launched a bogus Web site for Torossian linking viewers to an image of Summer's Eve douches, the p.r. titan wasn't laughing. In fact, he's suing for $20 million."

That "business rival" he's suing is Drew Kerr, the former Radar flack recently seen repping maybe-murderous publisher Felix Dennis (Kerr calls the suit "completely unmeritorious"). This story has so many elements of the absurd that I must list them, in list form:

• Ronn loves to sue people, which tends to backfire on him. He does not learn lessons.
• This site, RonTorrossian.com, has been up for months and months and months without a peep from Ronn.
• You know who really likes to use internet hoax shenanigans? Ronn [sic] Torossian and his incompetent compatriots! For example, Ronn himself bought up a bunch of domain names of rival PR firms, on purpose, back in 2006. You would think that would trigger some internal hypocrisy-meter in a person filing a lawsuit against someone else for the same thing, but no.
• Ronn also bought up HamiltonNolan.com. I did not sue him.
• Also his firm, 5WPR, was found to be editing Ronn's Wikipedia page, as well as impersonating people in online comments.
• Ronn's suit says that this website with a picture of a douche ad has caused $20 million in damage "to his business brand." I am now laughing derisively.

Oh Ronn! Oh buddy. You have much bigger problems than this. [NYP]

The Obsession movie is linked to a group called "Aish HaTorah," a far-right Jewish movement that Atlantic writer Jeffrey Goldberg calls "the lunatic fringe" of Israeli politics. Torossian, of course, represents them. Here is a fun story Goldberg tells about the time he met Ronn!

Several years ago, in one of my only encounters with him, he introduced me to Benny Elon, a rabbi and settler leader who was then Israel's tourism minister, and who, at various points in his career, has more or less advocated the ethnic cleansing of Israel of its Arab citizens. At one point, when Elon had gone to take a telephone call, Torossian and I started talking about Israel's right to reprisal for terrorist attacks. I was arguing in favor of some sort of proportionality (this was after Jenin, in which the Israeli army chose to root out terrorism block by block rather than bomb the city from the air) but Torossian interrupted: "I think we should kill a hundred Arabs or a thousand Arabs for every one Jew they kill." I was somewhat taken aback, of course, because this is a Nazi idea, rather than a Jewish idea. I asked him to explicate: "If someone from a town blows himself up and kills Jews, we should wipe out the town he's from, kill them all. The Israelis are suckers. They should have destroyed Jenin." He went on like this for some time. I would only note that Torossian, to the best of my knowledge, never volunteered for the Israeli army, so he seemed to me by definition a chickenhawk.

Yes, well, Ronn certainly speaks his mind, doesn't he. His terrible, dim, miserable mind. At least learning that 5WPR is behind this crazy group is pretty good proof that their ideas will never gain currency, right? If they had competent representation we'd be worried.

Of course your grandmother still thinks Barack Obama is a Muslim.

The Jewish Extremists Behind 'Obsession' [Atlantic]

I saw two options. Either start snapping the shutter and pressing the flesh and risk the old "Who the fuck are you?" treatment, or attempt to be above-board and identify myself as a freelance photographer and writer, which I am. In the sweltering jungles of Cambodia, where I received my baptism by fire as a journalist and aspiring heroin addict, I learned that, as a reporter, you play it straight with your subjects, and that's exactly what I did with Ronn (sic) Torossian.

BAD FUCKING IDEA!

I walked up to him and said, "Hey there, I'm a freelance writer and photographer, you mind if I start taking some shots?"

He asked me who I write for, and I told him I've written for the New York Times, the New York Post, and Time Out, all of which is true. But then he asked me if I was there on an assignment, and I hesitantly replied in the affirmative.

"Who assigned you," Mr. Grammar (sic) Torossian pressed.

It was like the world went dark, and I heard the cries of a thousand anguished souls burning and writhing in the Spirit World.

"Gawker."

I honestly thought he might serve me an ass-kicking right on the spot, but at first all he did was tell me not to take any pictures. He then disappeared from the conference room, though, and I had a feeling he was about to affect my ejection, which he did.

"Nothing personal, but do you read Gawker's posts on me?"

I did not say, "Yes, and they're just delicious!"

I did not say, "Yes, it's really refreshing to see an asshole actually being held accountable for his ineptitude, meanness of spirit, and thuggish behavior."

I tried to reason with him, to explain I was just there to ask questions, not do a back-alley hatchet job. That I wrote for the Times in 1958 once, and that I have my reputation as a failed journalist to protect.

"You could tell CNN that I am God, but I'm not going to let you cover this event. You'll get a good story out of this about how you were bounced." (I hadn't considered that angle until he suggested it.)

"There's no discussion about this," a security guy in a bad blazer chimed in.

So, I left, disoriented. I looked at my hand and saw I still had a water bottle from 5W's kitchen.

I walked down 6th Avenue feeling like I had let the readers of Gawker down, that they now had to pay the price for my naïve, mid-western inclination – an inclination burnished in the sweltering jungles of Cambodia – to speak Truth to Publicists, and in particular to a publicist named Ronn (sic) Torossian.

Journalism!

The Sunday Times recently ran a damning investigative story on a lobbyist, and Ronn is here to offer up the other, less logical side of the argument:

• Lobbyists and PR firms are hired (PAID) to represent entities and to advocate on their behalf. It doesn't mean that they agree with the causes, but business is not academics, it is just business.

That's what gangsters say too.

• Having access and dropping names is a key part of business for lobbyists, PR firms and those of us in political life...Do friends not introduce one another for business? Is bringing a friend to golf, joining the country club or fraternity not about paying for access? Of course it is, and this is no different. He had access, and dropped names. That's not a scandal.

That's what gangsters say too.

• Many in the PR business are often too quiet about actions by an overzealous media attempting to make headlines and sell ink. Media oftentimes can endanger a client's business interests to the point of no return.

Those media: always trying to sell that ink! Perhaps someone should pay them a visit.

Other things that can endanger your business interests include lying on purpose, calling your employees synonyms for "vagina," and ensuring that all of your underlings are total clowns.

[Bulldog Reporter; pic via MB]