Wanted: A picture of an allegedly averaged-sized megastar's penis peeking out from a pair of glasses in a below-the-belt Groucho Marx look. Have you seen this dick?

After a series of wild outbursts and derivative art stunts, former Disney property Shia LaBeouf is "voluntarily seeking treatment for alcohol addiction." But what precipitated LaBeouf's unraveling? Was it a systemic failure in his MK-ULTRA Monarch slave conditioning? Unblock your Ajna chakra and examine the facts.

A rape case in Steubenville, Ohio, involving some members of the city's beloved football team has drawn national attention. The Times said that it was a notable case because it was "a sexual assault accusation in the age of social media, when teenagers are capturing much of their lives on their camera phones ... and…

Comedian Jeff Ross, Roastmaster General of the New York Friars' Club, made a joke about the Aurora theater massacre during Saturday's roast of Roseanne Barr that Comedy Central deemed too soon — and cut from the televised version set to air next Sunday.

Roseanne Barr came through on her summer promise last night and announced that she will seek the Green Party's nomination in the 2012 presidential election. She also revealed her official campaign slogan on Twitter: "vote for me, I'll fix this shit!"

Your favorite blood bath will continue on into the new year. Also today: Bobby Cannavale goes to the hospital, Jane Kaczmarek gets a gig, and Roseanne Barr might be coming back.

Roseanne Barr has a new TV show to promote (it's called Roseanne's Nuts and it airs on Lifetime, apparently), so tonight when she visited the The Tonight Show, she went for broke and announced to Jay Leno that she plans to run for president. Yes, as in President of the United States. Is that more or less ridiculous…

Holly Madison recommends using "body makeup to cope." Lindsay Lohan tells her dad to STFU. Justin Bieber is sorry for flipping off the paparazzi. Willow Smith falls asleep at a meeting with Jay-Z. Thursday's gossip roundup has it both ways.

Roseanne appeared on Chelsea Lately last night to promote her new book, Roseannarchy. Here, she and Chelsea discuss the difficulties of writing as a comedian, the joys of drunk-dialing, and the necessity of having a "prescription for marijuana."

Today is a very special occasion for the Queen Bee of fashion. Vogue's Anna Wintour turns 60 today. Others celebrating on this third day of November: Model Gemma Ward is 22. Roseanne Barr turns 57. Former Massachusetts governor Michael Dukakis is 76. Playwright Terrence McNally is turning 70. Dennis Miller turns 56.…

Roseanne asked to be dressed like Hitler in a photo spread for hipster Jewish mag Heeb. Roseanne believes she's the reincarnated soul of the genocidal dictator. Heeb asks: is Roseanne "the last celebrity utterly incapable of giving a fuck"?

In a move that sort of reeks of desperation more than it does slick PR, Newsweek's Jon Meacham announced that Stephen Colbert will be the magazine's guest editor for the issue hitting newsstands on June 8.

Producers may be able to use the SECRET results of a second doctor's exam against "mercury" poisoned Jeremy Piven. Also, Oprah is maybe having a SECRET party.

• One of Martha Stewart's former "prison pals" says she recently approached the domestic diva for help with her medical bills and all she got in return was an autographed photo. So now she's making money the old-fashioned way: She's spilling details on Martha's time behind bars to the National Enquirer. [NE]
• Speed…

Vogue editor Anna Wintour is 59 today. (Condé Nast employees: consider yourselves warned.) Model Gemma Ward is 21. Playwright Terrence McNally is 69. Theater producer Tom Viertel is turning 67. Dennis Miller is 55. Roseanne is 56. Kate Capshaw—actress and wife of Steven Spielberg—is turning 55. Writer Joe Queenan is…

His Coke Rewards. Former Roseanne Barr-satisfier Tom Arnold is grappling with an addiction to Diet Coke and Nicorette: "I've had 30 Diet Cokes in 12 hours on set and then I'll eat a whole cake. After I quit cigars, I got addicted to Nicorette. I've been on a cleanse...The first three days I was hallucinating. It was…

Like most other all-night diners in the vicinity, Defamer's Washington Bureau is positively churning with activity a mere 11 weeks from Election Day. Alas, with so many other outlets having beat us to the punch regarding, say, Barack Obama's fund-raising prowess, we're left to cover an arguably more urgent and…

Heart-warmingly vulgar comedienne Roseanne Barr is making headlines again, and it's with a blog. The LA Times wonders if Barr is drunk when she posts items online after a series of screeds about Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. She is, then she obviously understands blogging for what it is: Part self-promotion, part…