As the world waits with bated breath for the emergence of the latest—and cutest—member of the British Royal Family, allow us to put forth a gentle reminder: In a just world, this innocent child would be going up for adoption, since its family would have been imprisoned for crimes against humanity.

Though the Duchess of Cambridge has officially gone into labor, no big news is expected before tomorrow morning, leaving the throng of reporters stationed outside the St Mary's Lindo Wing to report on absolutely nothing but baseless speculation for the rest of the day.

Kate Middleton is giving birth, right now: At 6 a.m. London time, in the throes of labor, the Duchess of Cambridge entered St. Mary's hospital, where she will give birth to the heir to the British throne.

As Kate Middleton regrets more and more her decision 9 months ago to prank the world by claiming to be pregnant, the caravan of international media camped outside her hospital inches ever closer to delirium. Earlier this week, some news services began offering live-streaming video of the hospital doors through which…

Kate Middleton: she’s fat! Got a fat face stretched across a marshmallow head, perched atop a neck made of a stack of quarters (if we’re keeping everything to scale) that's connected to a potato body. Why’s she being all fat all the time? According to some random doctor, it's because Kate Middleton is pregnant with a…

Over the weekend, local partygirl Kate Middleton shocked a nation by not giving birth. This is crazy to everyone because we know she is pregnant because we seen it. Many people are now asking "What time is the royal birth happening?" and "When will the royal baby be born?" and "Should I expect the royal baby for…

In February, the threat of HISTORIC, EXTREME SNOW whipped Weather.com into such a frothy euphoria that it combusted from within, vomiting broken mountain graphics all over its homepage. Now, the unbearable ecstasy of the final days of Kate Middleton’s pregnancy has driven E! Online—the relentlessly chipper,…

Looks like the royal baby will have zero time to recover from its swim through the English Channel of amniotic fluid before doing battle with its first foe: a giant Loch Ness monster version of Colin Firth that has just been plunked down in Serpentine Lake in Hyde Park, London.

Earlier this week, St. James’ Palace and Good Manners Emporium confirmed to the world that when Kate Middleton has her baby in a few weeks, the whole affair is gonna be real cool and classy, not dirty and stupid.

Poor Kate Middleton. A couple years ago, she married a guy she met in college and thought her life was really on track. She quit her job as an assistant buyer for Party Pieces ("What a great piece to have at a party. We'll take three, please.") because her husband said he could support their family on his pilot's…

On Tuesday, Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton was tottering around a "fishing heritage center" in the middle of nowhere (technically: the coast of nowhere), all pregnant, probably singing Britney Spears' 2000 single "Lucky" over and over in her head and wondering if she wouldn't have been happier with Tristan after…

Lady with a baby inside her Kate Middleton officially debuted the rounded abdominal area of a gestating female, caused by the rapid growth and development of a tiny cluster of cells into a sassy baby with attitude — her "baby bump" — for the first time Tuesday, and everyone rejoiced that a human, at long last, was…

Chi, the Italian gossip magazine that incurred the wrath of the royal family last September when it printed topless photos of a sunbathing Kate Middleton, is at it again — this time publishing the first photos to show the Duchess' growing baby bump.

Exciting news today for the people who have been saying for weeks that Kate Middleton is having twins: YOU'RE ALL WRONG. How's it feel to be wrong? How does it taste? Metallic, like blood, or bitter, like rue?

What a fun, sexy time to be a baby.

Kate Middleton left the hospital this morning after giving birth to a beautiful bouquet of yellow roses. According to an official statement, she will now travel to Kensington Palace "for a period of rest."

You may have heard yesterday that famous uterus Kate Middleton confirmed she is pregnant, proving once again that women can become pregnant.

Kate Middleton, the Duchess of Cambridge and future Queen of England, is pregnant, thanks (we presume) to her husband, Prince "Duke of Cambridge" William. This child will likely one day rule England, and therefore you are probably asking yourself: When and where did the royal couple have royal procreative sex? Some…