What will happen in the thundering and lumbering first hour of the haggard reality show's new season? Well, based on what we've seen over the show's two-decade history, it's sort of easy to guess. There's a pretty simple plot structure, usually arranged by cast member. So!

Baya Apparently this strangely-named (but not for this show, Baya on the Real World is like Meghan anywhere else—a weird name for the RW would be like Aquatopeka or Ninjizza) girl is from Utah, is a hip-hop hippie, wants to dance professionally, and has panic attacks. So, we're guessing that Aquatopeka will—tasting the sweet grimy air that exists out from under Mormonism's thumb for the first time—get spectacularly drunk and hit on the cutest of the straight boys. We hope she falls down the stairs, hurts her good dancin' leg, and hurls herself into the briny Atlantic.

Chet We already kind of know a lot about him. His name is Joe Pitt Chet Cannon and he is also from Utah and is a crazy Mormon who is probably gay (look how trendy he dresses!) and MTV really wanted to get him laid. So let's see. We suspect he'll spend time refraining from alcohol and not talking about sex, for which the rest of the cast members—at this point soaked in booze (one has already been reduced to a little flaming heap in the corner) and sticking their genitals in/on whatever they can—will give him the hairy eyeball and judge judge judge. But he'll defend himself amiably and then excuse him self to furtively masturbate in the confessional while thinking about the buttery golden loins of Brigham Young.

Devyn It'll be a cold day in July before I recognize Missouri, so let's just say that this beauty queen (Miss America Teen winner!) is from a land west of Illinois and east of Kansas. She has really big boobs and is also a black person. So she might spend her time talking about black/white issues in a producer-prodded finger snapping way, or she may play it cool and just kind of eye everyone suspiciously while sitting in a corner with the other person of some sort of color. (I say this not because this is how she should act, so don't comment-frag me. It's just how that shit goes down on this show.)

JD That other person of color I was talking about. The second horrible, othering thing about JD is that he is a gay person who does gay things like having gay sex with gay men. Gay men like Anderson Cooper! So that is going to be a problem for the cutest straight guy (who is probably entangled with Kumbaya somewhere at this point) but he'll act like, aw it's no thang. Chet the blonde Mormon secret geigh will nod and smile politely then, in confessional (post-wank), will say "it's just... just not OK in my beliefs." And then we'll all groan and throw something at the TV and I'll shriek "get me something more to drink, this is so bad" and then I'll realize that I'm all alone at 25 still watching this show. Thanks, JD. He'll probably also cry. Because apparently his father did some bad things to him and that's baggage worth rummaging through, tossing things onto the floor willynilly as if his life were a hotel room.

Katelynn You thought that ethnic homo had problems. Katelynn is a transgendered person who doesn't know how to spell Caitlin. Her roommates will probably act really awkward and jittery and kind of look at her weird and some will be more jovial than others (Chet will be weeping) and JD will say it's fabulous but mostly, in the secret confessionals, everyone will say what lurks in the deepest, judgiest sub-basements of their booze-splattered hearts: "Why doesn't she know how to spell Caitlin?"

Ryan Ryan is the seemingly regular straight guy who has lots and lots and lots of sublimated rage. So in the first episode, expect him to assess the assets of asses and cheerily greet the gay dudes Morm and Colored, and then kind of give the stink eye to that tall, husky-voiced, big-handed lady who apparently doesn't know how to spell. At some point in the first hour he'll probably have a drunkish heart-to-heart with one of the pretty girls about his buried, sorrowful past (he's an Iraq war vet who was, like, in the shit) but then he'll brush it off and say "whoo, we're here to party! Hello Brooklyn!!!" to which Brooklyn will respond "clean up after yourself, why don't you. For heaven's sake."

Sarah This is the tatooed lesbo chick who's now dating a dude and who isn't really that rebellious after all, she was just molested when she was younger. Hard to say yet whether she'll be a condescending, secularly pious teetotaler or if she'll be a drunken, horrifying mess like that poor sad girl from the San Diego season who ended up dying. Let's hope it's the former. She might be the one to have the lookin'-at-the-view deep dish with Ryan, or she might run screeching to the gay people so she can talk about herself. Prove me wrong, Sarah. Prove me wrong.

Scott Scott is my best friend with whom I ride buses all the time. So I know exactly what he's going to do. He's going to: be dopily friendly like some sort of pesky golden retriever, shake everyone's hand like the good Masshole boy he is, talk a lot about his hardscrabble past but in noble "what doesn't kill me..." Good Will Hunting isms, then take off his shirt, then act uncomfortable around the 'mos and the people who can't spell. He won't be featured much because he's featureless. A scandal-free workout machine. And my best friend. OK. I think I can come out with it. (Don't kill me Scotty!) We're dating.

Or I'm totally wrong, because MTV is previewing this season like it's more thoughtful and less about drinking and fucking, but I kind of doubt it because people love the drinking and the fucking and who cares if it's Brooklyn, Bangladesh, or Biloxi, people just like watching strapping idiot youngsters drinking and fucking. No matter what. That is last true currency in this bankrupt world. To paraphrase Lester Bangs. Sort of.

See you at 10.

So, I almost wrote this email to you guys a few weeks ago but stopped because as I wrote it I felt like a huge tool.

Anyway, a few weeks ago I was at the lovely gay bar Therapy in Midtown when a dude ran in and was chased immediately by a camera crew. Yes, I was having an encounter with the gay cast member of the Real World Brooklyn—whose name happened to be JD, is 23 and hails from Miami Florida. Now, I had a hour conversation with the kid and determined he was a no one with no personality. Thats until I read your story about Anderson Cooper today and his rumored loves. I am pretty sure they are the same person, I mean how JD dolphin trainers from Miami are there? I have a really blurry photo of him on my iPhone of him in the bar with the camera.

One interesting thing about my encounter with him, he is apparently dating the bartender at Therapy and is there often—sometimes alone to score some B roll footage (as he was the night I was there). He also told me how he has taken his Mormon roommate out to XES, yet he wanted to read all the gay rags (HX, Next) at the bar that he could as his Mormon roommate would freak if he brought it home. Oh he also said that they never hang out in Brooklyn and always go to super NY places like Angels and Kings and Mansion—they apparently also get shuttled around in cars from Brooklyn and back

Thats it, but the fact that AC was getting down with a Real World media whore is beyond me. I thought he was better then that.

Fascinating! The blurry photo didn't help us at all, though. We demand confirmation on this weird, probably not-at-all-true coincidence! Plus, Sheila and I want more info about the Mormon boi.

From MySpace:

Update: In an email with a subject line reading "Can confirm that there is a "jd ordonez" in the real world brooklyn cast" a tipster tells us:

nothing to present as evidence but can say producers sent around personal data (height, weight, shirt size etc.) to publicists a while back almost as a solicitation for freebies to cast members.

And another tipster says the rumors that Ordonez dated Cooper are true:

Just read your article on the dolphin trainer said to be Anderson's ex boy toy and I wanted to confirm that it's true. I'm from Miami and was actually at the club Buck 15 when I met J.D. He drunkenly informed me who his boyfriend was and when I didn't believe him he showed me pictures from his camera phone with Anderson and some dolphins...this was around the beginning of June...just wanted to give you a head's up!

We think he's cute, sure, but there's something so cultivated about his look. It just seems a bit forced. Maybe too forced...

And, hah! These kids are really making the rounds. A funny tipster saw them at East Village shit hut Angels & Kings last night:

So I'm chillin, tryin to enjoy my Ciroc open bar for Gym Class Heroes record release party at Angels & Kings, and this camera crew add 3 total douchey douchingtons roll up with their fucking fluorescent horizontal beam of hellish light to film. It was confirmed to me that it was the Real World. So, they DO leave Brooklyn. Apparently they've been coming to Angels and Kings, probably cause it's one of the only bars that'll actually let them, like...film there. All my life I've wanted to cause a ruckus, but in the midst of the camera crew and others who would judge, I simply threw some lime wedges and, on their walk out, an elbow jab. How pathetic. But it would've been more pathetic had I caused a ruckus. "Look at this loser trying to get attention" the people would cry.

Anyway it's not much of a story but blonde faux hawk boy was there, and this dude that looked like Blake Sennett from Rilo Kiley except he was wearing a tilted, fully curved frat boy hat. Now THAT's a story!

Again, his name is Chet. He's a Mormon with "spiky blonde hair." On the evening that the NY Press caught up with him, he was wearing an H&M scarf and "Elvis Costello glasses," and was drinking a Shirley Temple. He apparently loves glam rock and was "gushing" when some slinky male rocker put something around his neck and whispered in his ear. And, yes, he is engaged (as all Mormons are, from birth. That's just science). But, um, doesn't that above description sound a little well, um, un-fishy, if you catch my brine shrimp drift? So who's going to fuck this kid? Will youuuuu? The above photo, from NewYorkology, seems to offer the best known glimpse of the mysterious Mormon.

lots of no-parking signs/film permits on the side streets of smith street; fucking up our parking situation. we are old and don't watch the show. please make them leave.

Hahhh, old person alert! Your joints hurt and you don't understand the giddy thrills of shitty television shows starring hard-bodied muppets who make you want to laugh and clap and cry all at the same time! No we won't make them leave! We'll make them stay. You hear me, Josh Schwartz? Film in Carroll Gardens all the fucking time.

Um, that is until I can afford to live there. Then stop. Terrific.

Ugh. They were all out at Royal Oak on saturday (8/16) night. Hit on my friend. Ruined the dance floor. Tried to take her home to 'corrupt' the mormon guy, who's name is.... chet.

Talked to the two blond dudes. they made me sick to my stomach.

remember when MTV cast people who already lived in NYC? except for julie of course.

On the upside we now have the number for the real world house. Just have to figure out how to use it to make them all self-destruct.

Yellow Shirt: Michael, 19, Houston. Talks with a lisp and seems a bit light in the loafers, but is totes straight. Just ask his long-suffering girlfriend back home who spends her days woodenly hating the game, not the playa. Michael has snap-happy arguments with one female roommate who needles him about his latent homosexuality. Think Irene and Steven from Seattle.

Black Shirt: Jeremy, 21, Fresno. Has a hip, fresh, depressing white boy funk style. Seems actually capable of talking to women for three and a half seconds without trying to hump them, but revels in his horndog dirtbaggy ways when out with the boys. Meets a girl named Mashley from Staten Island at a clurrb one night, sorta has an on-again-off-again fling with her, but eventually decides he needs to be a free agent.

Pink Shirt: Danica, 24, Nashua, NH. From a New England town, the hoarse-voiced Danica went to big ol' party school ASU and drank and slopped her way through four years, managing to graduate with degrees in Spanish and finance. She rasps loudly about how drunk she was allll the time and falls in love with every boy who gives her three and a half seconds worth of attention (with or without trying to hump her.)

Blue Shirt: Broderick, 22, Apopka, FL. Just finished FSU, where he studied history. Seems like one of those cool laid back guys who'd make a swoony young high school teacher, but is actually a drunken debacle. After threatening to punch out some weasely hipster in the premiere episode, Broderick's narrow meatheadedness spirals out of control until he sobbingly admits to having stubbed his toe once when he was six. He'll decide to go home after this shocking revelation.

Magenta Shirt: Ninjizza, 23, Miami. Went to Emory, has a degree in French and Political Science. Is overbearing, bossy, demanding, and secretly very sad. Has one drunken night where she keeps saying she's going to "throw my damn self off the New York Bridge." Deftly recovers when the job challenge emerges—creating a Brooklyn bus tour—and she can take control of that. No one is sad when Ninjizza leaves at the end of the season.

Striped Shirt: Misty, 20, St. Louis. Shy and nerdy, Misty will be very much the shrinking wallflower of the season. She'll harbor a quiet, sad crush on Broderick, who will lead her on mercilessly. She will, of course, get very drunk one night and stab Ninjizza. She'll have to go home.

(OK, I know there's one cast member missing, and that if you look at the other photos on NewYorkology there are other people who could be cast members and Jeremy could totally be gay, but whatever, I'm on a fucking bus.)

Reportedly the exact address of the building is 204 Van Dyke St., so if you live nearby, shutter your windows and blood your doors, because the Lord's wrath is on its way. Luckily, though, you ought to get a pretty clear idea fairly quickly of where the gaggle of idiots will be hanging out, because MTV usually signs preemptive filming waivers from one or two bars/restaurants before shooting so they don't have to worry about getting clearance at a bajillion different places. So find out which two bars those are, and avoid them like the plague for the next six months or so. Come on up to Park Slope in the meantime. We have strollers! And a park! And, uh, a slope!