Most of the motley crew trying not to look like they're lining up a White House run in a couple of years have one or two clear, concise moments of idiocy that they will spend months dodging, obfuscating and fudging around:

• Mitt Romney: once strapped his dog, an Irish Setter named Seamus, in a carrier, to his car's roof. The dog got so scared that it crapped all over the car. The reporter who broke the story, in this Boston Globe profile meant it as an anecdote that demonstrated Romney's crisis management — because he stopped and hosed the car down or something. In fact it added to the slightly cold, creepy atmosphere that surrounds Romney. Also, he refuses to deny he wears special Mormon underpants.
• Newt Gingrich: was having an affair at the same time he led the pursuit of Bill Clinton for having an affair. This is apparently not hypocrisy because Clinton was impeached not for having the affair but for lying about it.
• Rudy Giuliani: is probably going to stick with running for the Senate in New York. But in case he decides to step onto the more vicious national stage once more, it's worth remembering that he used public money to finance an affair, remains friends with corrupt former police chief Bernie Kerik, cross-dresses and runs a very shady business.
• Ron Paul: is a racist. Or at least it seems that way if you read quotes from a political newsletter he put out in the 90s. Here are some extracts that would make delicious additions to campaign commercials in, well, anywhere black people live.
  

  If you have ever been robbed by a black teen-aged male, you know how unbelievably fleet-footed they can be.

  Opinion polls consistently show that only about 5 percent of blacks have sensible political opinions, i.e. support the free market, individual liberty and the end of welfare and affirmative action.

  Given the inefficiencies of what D.C. laughingly calls the `criminal justice system,' I think we can safely assume that 95 percent of the black males in that city are semi-criminal or entirely criminal.

  ...we are constantly told that it is evil to be afraid of black men, it is hardly irrational. Black men commit murders, rapes, robberies, muggings and burglaries all out of proportion to their numbers.

• Bobby Jindal: his appearance in this video is bad enough. He looks like some combination of Kenneth the Page and Pinocchio. But in it he claims to have stood shoulder-to-shoulder with a New Orleans lawman during Hurricane Katrina to cut through red tape and rescue people. Except he didn't. He overheard a conversation after it all happened.

  Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

• That leaves Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty — who is ironically seen as boring precisely because he is so scandal-averse. We're choosing to ignore South Carolina Governor and hiking enthusiast Mark Sanford because it beggars belief that he would even consider running for President after running away to schtup an Argentinian lady and lying to everyone about it. If you're wondering why Sarah Palin is not on this list — it's because she's bulletproof. She has been repeatedly caught lying, cheating and stealing. She's been repeatedly revealed as a moron in clever-person's glasses. Any other politician would have been sunk by any one of these scandals. But Sarah Barracuda has built a brand based on narcissistic ineptitude and a perpetual victim status. Perhaps the other candidates should try it.

UPDATE: It was No. 3! According to the New York Daily News, Giuliani intends to run for Kirsten Gillibrand's Senate seat next year. That news comes just hours after Hakim's report that he'd opted not to run for governor. Hakim is probably pretty pissed right now.

It certainly seems strange that Giuliani would bow out now; he's been open about his interest in the job since August, and the path to nomination appears to be clear if he wants it. Plus, Bernard Kerik just pleaded guilty, eliminating the likelihood that unpleasant and distracting disclosures about their relationship would come out at trial. Here's some baseless speculation on why he bailed:

• Governing New York would be a shit-show, and could only be a liability for a 2012 presidential run. This is undoubtedly true—who wants to wrestle with a Democratic legislature for two years and preside over devastating budget cuts? But Giuliani knew this back in August, when he launched the whisper campaign, so it doesn't explain the sudden withdrawal. And the upsides in positioning himself for a run against Obama in 2012 are considerable: His governorship would be presented against the backdrop of a massive terror trial in New York City that he could nitpick on a daily basis as a shameful spectacle and hang around Obama's neck.
• He doesn't think he can beat Andrew Cuomo. According to Pollster.com, the most recent public poll around the time Giuliani started nosing around the governor's desk had Cuomo—New York's popular attorney general, who is likely to challenge Gov. David Paterson for the Democratic nomination—beating him by five points with 11 percent undecided, which amounts to a toss-up this far out from election day. A poll taken last week had Cuomo up by 12 points, with 6 percent undecided. And while 49% of New Yorkers say they want Cuomo to run for governor, only 32% say they want to see Giuliani's name on the ballot. Those are much less hospitable numbers, but still close to meaningless a year from election day. And Giuliani has amply demonstrated that he's a cruel dick who delights in destroying people, so it's certainly not like him to shrink from a chance to rough up Cuomo.
• He wants to run for Senate instead. The Senate was Giuliani's initial job choice after mayor, before God gave him prostate cancer and he had to bow out. And Sen. Kristen Gillibrand, who was appointed by Paterson to replace Hillary Clinton, is a weak incumbent with just a two-year track record to tout. Giuliani's close adviser Tony Carbonetti ruled out a Senate bid back in September, but maybe he's changed his mind. He's crushing Gillibrand in the polls right now, and the Senate could be a better place from which to prepare a 2012 presidential bid, lacking as it does all the unpleasantness associated with actually governing a nearly ungovernable state.
• He would prefer to secretly make millions of dollars from former cocaine smugglers and Arab dictators through Giuliani Partners, his consulting firm. Sounds like a plan, although most of those clients only pay those millions of dollars as a bet that one day he'll be governor of New York, or president.
• He doesn't want to run for president in 2012 against Sarah Palin, so why bother? He lost his first bid for the Replublican nomination for a reason: He's a gay-loving abortionist whose name ends in a vowel and whose children hate him. The ever-diminishing number of angry people who describe themselves as Republicans are going to flock to Palin over him. And maybe he's betting that terrorism—the only thing that he can flog on his resume, despite the fact that his role in the 9/11 attacks is more properly described as disaster management than anything to do with combating terrorism—won't be as ripe an issue on which to base a campaign in 2012.
• He's about to be indicted. Please?

The Daily Show has the scoop:

Ah, the old politician-debating-himself bit. Kills every time. You can see Stewart's entire opening segment about the upcoming New York City trials of the 9/11 terrorists here.

• BFFs Lindsay and Dina Lohan are strikin' out! Against Dina's drunk, trashy, hot mess of an ex-husband, Michael Lohan. Mostly for contravening house style of keeping the "hot" in Hot Mess as dictated by the Lohan Family Tradition. Oh, also, he's Lindsay's father, have you heard? If you've met him, he's probably told you. And told you. And told you. In fact, that's what Dina's taking issue with. Besides the fact that he wants to make what more or less amounts to a citizen's arrest of his daughter and cart her off to rehab, he's gone off the reservation when it comes to television appearances. And by "off the reservation" I mean "Dina's not seeing any of the cash from them." Or anything else, supposedly. She went and screamed at Page Six. I'm sure Neel enjoyed this call:

  "He is hurting Lindsay. It breaks my heart. She's like, 'Mommy, when is he ever going to stop?' " Dina said. "He is also six months behind in his child support. On Monday, we will file a violation order, and if he doesn't pay, he'll go to jail. "He's getting paid for these shows he's doing talking about Lindsay," Dina said. "He's flying all over the country and not paying for his other three children he's hurting every time he goes on television. "It is horrific that a father could do this. We are afraid he's spiraling out of control. [Daughter] Ali is scared and will be getting an order of protection. Lindsay is getting an order in California and in New York. "He's desperate, he's running out of options because none of his children is talking to him. Doors are closing for him, and he's getting a little nervous, which makes us nervous. We're scared. "But I believe in karma, and his leash is getting tighter," Dina said. "He just needs to zip his mouth."

  Yes, because the swirling, chaotic forces of the universe that dictate what karma goes where gives a shit about the Lohan family. For one thing, they've already moved on to the Kushner-Trumps. For another, Doors are closing for him, and he's getting a little nervous, which makes us nervous. We're scared. is also, incidentally, what's Lindsay's team at CAA keep saying about her career. And why's Dina Lohan asking Michael for child support? Because they need it? Or because she just needs something ridiculous to hold against him? Trying to hold delinquency on child support payments over Michael Lohan's head is like holding Kim Jong-Il's strange table manners against him: you couldn't find anything better? Anyway, Lohan Ladies: keep on fiercing on, I guess. Also, I have no idea what that headline means. [Page Six]
  
  

• You know who Karma will be a complete dick to, however? Rudy Giuliani. Does anybody remember that time three weeks ago when Rudy made security remove a young couple from their seats at Yankee Stadium to make way for the First Asshole of New York and his moll, Judith? I do. And so do the swirling forces of karma, Rudy. Guess who bumped you from your seats last night because (A) she knows what an asshole you are, (B) has more power than you, and (C) probably did it just because she could? Go get 'em, Michelle. Even better: she didn't show up in the seats because of the rain. Like an actual Yankees fan! How authentic. [Page Six]
  
  
• Andre Agassi. More startling revelation: Meth, or WIG? [Page Six]
  
  
• Haha, Jon Gosselin's just as big an asshole today as he was yesterday, with the revelation from Hailey Glassman that he used to throw "mantrums." People has a conspiracy theory on how she wasn't dumped, or something. [People]
  
  
• UGH. The Boris and Natasha-esque gossip suckfest known as Rush & Molloy have yet again fucked the dog by boring me to zzzzzzz's on Sunday morning. This time, they set their moose-and-squirrel sights on Sarah Palin muckracker Joe McGinniss' new book, which basically says "Todd and Sarah won't get divorced, but if they do, I'm gonna get to the bottom of this and find out." Congratulations, dude. You just gave your book the shittiest piece of press I've ever seen. Meanwhile, Rush & Molloy, you guys are still the worst. Step up your game, please, for the love of god. [NYDN]
  
  
• Damn. GQ knows how to get down...exactly how their readers would dream of doing so. At their party the other night, Mark Wahlberg shlubbed-out by showing up in sweatpants. Also, Kid Cudi inquired about the color of a woman's vagina. She responded: "Pink." Is this like asking someone which way their flag flies, or something? Do not get. Pause. I didn't know what a complicated question this was until now. Also, and I say this as a straight man: Gross? This is not a hangover-queasy-friendly item. Related: obligatory Kid Cudi-reference jam goes here. [Page Six]
  
  
• Here's some item about some charity thing with kids and whatever, but LOOK. It's Clint Eastwood's daughter. ["Million Dollar Baby" euthanasia joke, TK TK.] Seriously. She might be the only 16 year-old in Hollywood with a thousand-yard stare ("THANKS, DAD.") I wonder if she asks her hookups if they're feeling lucky. Punk. I can't imagine teenage boys being able to date her. Fuck, I'm intimidated by her. [Page Six]
  
  
• Carly Simon's been in a very special relationship, one where time brings both parties closer together, instead of doing like it normally does and pulling them apart: with weed, man. No joke. Carly didn't used to do it back in the day when EVERYONE smoked the kindbud, but now, that type of shit happens ev-er-y-day. I bet you think this bong is about you, don't you? [Page Six]
  
  
• Former Knicks player Stephon Marbury was nice enough to sign some autographs outside of one, but found himself too scared to go inside a haunted house. Besides the fact that Page Six is basically calling Marbury a pussy (the lame-unless-you-get-it headline: "Scaredy Cat"), this would also explain why he can't get messy in the key. Because he's a girlyman. [Page Six]
  
  
• The owner of the Dodgers and his wife are getting divorced, and like almost every other divorce in LA, it's messy and nasty and mean. Billionaires: they're just like us. [NYDN]
  
  
• Uh, here's a weird one: Mick Jones—yeah, that one: from Foreigner—has a son who's modeling for Roc-A-Wear and working on an album with Scott Storch. What's more amazing: that Mick Jones' kid is dropping an album with Scott Storch, or that Scott Storch is still getting work? [Page Six]
  
  
• Colin Farrell had a baby! It was born with a beanie on its head, like so. Mazel. [NYDN]
  
  
• "Is Page Six to be blamed for the worldwide fame of Andy Warhol?" asks Page Six in the lede to an item about a new book on Warhol. Even if it's true, I think it's safe to say that the "blame" for Andy Wharhol can be offset by any number of New York Peoplethings you've hoisted on our brains. You're "forgiven." [Page Six]
  
  
• Dennis Hopper has prostate cancer. This is sad and scary because Hopper's what my grandmother would call a "tough old bird," and she'd be right. [Page Six]
  
  
• Page Six has a sighting of an NYU law professor buying a pen. No, I'm serious. Look. In other news, I was just reported puking out all the water I drank this morning. [Page Six]
  
  
• Nic Cage's financial adviser screwed him for money. If Nic Cage can't trust his moneyman, who can? [People]

Are vampires dead, yet? Did you enjoy your extra hour of life? Here's a song about how it's going to waste away unless you do something with it! Like reading us, today! And look, I'm only half an hour late! Altarcation's coming at you at 2:30. At 3:30, we're interviewing Harvard's Nieman Journalism Lab! And a special report from the Vice Party, coming up. Happy November!

[Photo via Bauer-Griffin]

Eccentricity has its charms, of course, but woman cannot survive on excitement alone! But thanks to the magical duo of Michael Bloomberg and that other guy who keeps threatening to run for political office again before recalling how much he likes to golf, NYC is now a magical wonderland where street cleaners dedicated to their craft slap giant green post-its on your car windows if you dare obstruct their work. This new NYC populated by Cornell grads where the NYPD tows its damn breakdowns is the reason Bloomberg will be Mayor forever and ever!

But what is this?

New Yorkers are fleeing this Utopia for Florida? Well, yes. Turns out all this wonderful service comes at the cost of some of the highest tax rates in the country, which... well, duh.

Things have gotten so bad, Manhattanites are moving to the Bronx and Brooklynites are moving to Staten Island. The end times are here, people!

If you're looking for someone to blame, the Wall Street Journal helpfully suggests you look under "Liberals: Just Desserts."

[Pic: AIP History Center Web Exhibit]

"This city could very easily be taken back in a very different direction," he continued. What direction is this, exactly? "It could very easily be taken back to the way it was with the wrong political leadership." Hmm! He must not mean taken back to the way it was when he was mayor. So maybe he means the way it was under the guy before him? What does that guy, David Dinkins, have in common with Bloomberg challenger Bill Thompson, exactly? Oh, right, they are Democrats.

When Bloomberg was asked if he agreed with Giuliani's statements, on how the blacks are going to take over the city and mug all the Jews to death forever, Bloomberg said he was worried that New York could become Detroit.

As usual, Bloomberg means real New York, not the bits that are basically already as bad off as Detroit.

[Photo: AP]

At last night's mayoral debate (sigh), Bloomberg announced that he thinks Rudy would be a "good governor." That right there should disqualify Bloomberg from holding any elected office, that he'd just straight-up lie like that. He knows full well that Rudy is a corrupt, race-baiting little would-be tyrant who'd make Spitzer's tantrums look like shrewd political deal-making.

From when Rudy attempted to run for a then-illegal third term through when Bloomberg bitched about the deficits he inherited to when Rudy got pissed at Bloomberg for dipping his toes in the 2008 presidential race, theirs has been a friendship for the ages. We are thrilled to see it still so strong.

• Jessica Simpson is holding out hope that her beloved pooch Daisy still walks among us, despite the fact that she saw it snatched by a coyote. We're not sure which is more sad: the dog's apparent death or the fact that Simpson thinks it could still be alive. [Star]
  
  
• Tom Delay, the former lawmaker who is now on Dancing with the Stars, has been injured after his old ass body couldn't keep up with the show's high-stepping ways. [MSNBC]
  
  
• Sean Penn doesn't let the grass grow under his groin, for the actor has moved on from Robin Wright with a model named Jessica White. [NYDN]
  
  
• Here's a shock: Samantha Burke, the woman knocked up by Jude Law, has been talking to publishers to get the highest price for an interview and pictures of her new-born love child. Asking price: $200,000. That's one pricey call girl, huh? [Page Six]
  
  
• Rudy Giuliani's gay friend Howard Koeppel insists the former NYC mayor won't run to be the state's Governor. Well, that's a relief! [Page Six]
  
  
• Bill Clinton wanted Hillary to be Al Gore's vice-president. That obviously didn't pan out.... [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• How rude! A Ukrainian church has called Elton John, a known homosexual, a "sinner" after his aborted attempt to adopt an orphan from the country. [NYDN]
  
  
• Oh, good Christ! As if Taylor Momsen weren't already on a highway to hell, the poor girl's now saddling up to Lindsay Lohan. [Just Jared]
  
  
• Meanwhile, Lohan has been bringing her little — 15-year old — sister to night clubs. Shouldn't this help build a case against Lohan's mother, Dina. It should. [MSNBC]
  
  
• Haha! While Whitney Houston's enjoying new-found success, Bobby Brown's griping about the fact that he's fat. Bloated, we thinl but let's not get picky. [TMZ]
  
  
• George Clooney said he would rather have a man's cold finger up his bum than have a Facebook page. Hmmm... [Page Six]
  
  
• British "model" Katie Price says someone famous once raped her, but her ex-husband doesn't seem to know what the fuck she's talking about. We wonder why. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Megan Fox says she would never own a gun because she would shoot someone, like boyfriend Brian Austin Green. He was better off with Donna Martin, no? [Page Six]
  
  
• Ricky Gervais once said it was alright for a funny man to be over-weight, but now he's slim and svelte and, some think, simply too thin. We think there's no such thing! [3am]

In an effort to test the waters, Giuliani has been meeting with Republican leaders and even convinced the state's Republican Party chairman Joseph N. Mondello to resign so that his friend, Henry F. Wojtaszek, can take the position. In addition, Giuliani held a meeting with leaders in Buffalo and told them that he will decide his fate over the course of the next 30-60 days. It shouldn't take that long.

There's very little chance that current Governor David Paterson will run, because only 32% of New York voters view him in a favorable light. And, more importantly, he's trailing 65-23% when pitted against his most-likely challenger, Attorney General Andrew Cuomo. It's unlikely the state's Democratic party would pick Paterson over Cuomo. It's just common sense. So, let's assume Cuomo runs... Giuliani's people insist he's not thinking about the competition, but you know that's just talk. How could he not be eyeing Cuomo, who's approval ratings are sky high: 67% of Empire State residents gave him the thumbs up at the end of June, only a slight dip from his personal high of 71% in March.

Even if Giuliani's not worried about current polls, he should remember the presidential primary. In January of last year, about 40% of New Yorkers said they would likely vote for John McCain, Giuliani's then-rival. That's not very inspiring for Giuliani, who liked to highlight his post-9/11 leadership abilities, which inspired his ridiculous "America's Mayor" projection.

As if that's not enough, there's another Cuomo-related hurdle: the Clintons. Cuomo worked as President Bill Clinton's Secretary of Housing and Urban Development. Then, during last year's primaries, Cuomo was a voracious Hillary Clinton supporter.

The Clintons remember their friends (and their enemies), so we're assuming the power couple would throw their weight behind Cuomo. Yes, Giuliani has become tight with Sarah Palin, but even the former Alaska Governor is no match for the Clinton machine. And that machine which will no doubt be handy when it comes to raising campaign for Cuomo, who as of last month had $5.1 million on hand.

Giuliani would be much better off remaining in the private sector, where he can lord over his two companies — both of which he would have to abandon should he choose to run — and make thousands giving motivational and policy speeches. Of course, this is politics and things could change at any moment, especially if Giuliani asks current NYC mayor Michael Bloomberg to be his running mate, as many believe he will.

Still, we're not convinced Giuliani should run. But he probably will, because he's a cocky kind of guy and if he's delusional enough to think he could be president, he's absolutely convinced the Governor's mansion has his name on it.

• Emma Roberts likes to give her boyfriend hickeys — and he likes to show them off. Ew. [Page Six]
  
  
• Because she thinks she's Madonna, Gwyneth Paltrow's expanding her London home. It will have 33-rooms. We have no words. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Paris Jackson and her siblings enjoyed a weekend in Vegas. [Just Jared]
  
  
• Michael Jackson had two — count 'em, two — super secret email accounts through which he procured prescription drugs. Say what you will about him, but that man clearly had a serious, sad problem. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Speaking of serious, sad problems, Amy Winehouse allegedly wants to get back together with her equally deranged ex-hubby Blake Fielder-Civil. Surprisingly, though, she's aware of how incredibly pathetic she sounds, "I'm so embarrassed, I love him though." Hey, it makes you do crazy things. [Mirror]
  
  
• Do not — we repeat, do not — call Candace Bushnell a "cougar." Not to her face, at least. [NYDN]
  
  
• Rachel Zoe assistants Brad Goreski and Taylor Jacobson have made peace. Phew! [LA Times]
  
  
• Judith Giuliani plays better golf that Rudy. [Page Six]

Let's go through these, shall we?

• Yet another ethics complaint was filed against Palin in Alaska yesterday. What for? Oh, remember when we learned that Palin, great American fiscal conservative and hater of wasteful spending that she is, was charging the state a travel per diem to work out of her own home in Wasilla? Well apparently she's continued to do it, pocketing several thousand dollars of "bonus" income in the process. So dang mavericky!
  
  
• Palin spoke to the Anchorage Daily News about her resignation and once again offered a mystery grab-bag of reasons for her abrupt departure.

  It's a combination of things that has brought me to this place of knowing. I love Alaskans too much to put them through a lame duck session heading into my final year in office; I was going to be honest and tell them I'm not going to run for re-election. I'm not going to let Alaskans go through a year of stymied, paralyzed administration and not getting anything done. I'm going to let Sean Parnell take this and we will see that things will let up...With Sean in the governor's seat it won't be the politics of personal destruction, I don't believe...Especially when all these lawmakers are lining up for office. Their desire would be to clobber the administration left and right so that they can position themselves for office. I'm not going to put Alaskans through that.

• Pill-addled party boss Rush Limbaugh still sees Palin as a viable leader of the Republican party. He took time away from being a Viagra-fueled sex tourist to make a statement about her on his show.

  These people saying that she's an instant target because she quit, that's just inside-the-Beltway formulaic and she's not that. If anything this woman, her m.o. is outside-the-box and not formulaic. All I know is that she is going to continue to fire-up people in the conservative Republican base as often as she speaks to 'em.

• Despite the fact that most of the people closest to her had no idea she was resigning last Friday, ABC is reporting that Palin consulted with Dick Cheney and Rudy Giuliani about the move.
  
  
• And finally, there's the inevitable freakout by Hitler over Sarah Palin's quitting. These are always funny, and this one is oh so very funny. Even funnier than the Michael Jackson death freakout, in my opinion.
  
  
  
  
  
  New Ethics Complain Filed Against Palin [Mudflats]
  Palin Says Ethics Inquiries Paralyzing [ADN]
  Sarah Palin May Have Quit, But That Won't Stop Her From Running For President in 2012, Says Rush Limbaugh [Daily News]
  Palin Called GOP Leaders Before Quitting [ABC]
  Hitler/Palin vid via YouTube
  Pic via Runner's World

Remember how Rudy's been married three times, and how each time he's gotten divorced it was because he was already seeing his next wife romantically? Mika doesn't!

While talking about the politics of extramarital affairs, Mika just let Rudy talk about Bill Clinton instead of, like, asking him about his own extramarital affairs.

Giuliani "Let's look at Bill Clinton."

Brzezinski: "Yeah."

It might very well be true that Republicans who sleep around face a bigger shitstorm than Democrats. Though, you know, Clinton was impeached and John Edwards is universally reviled and Eliot Spitzer resigned right away. And John McCain and Newt Gingrich and apparently even Rudy Giuliani get to appear on TV without anyone bringing their messes up. But maybe sometimes, in the media, the Democrats are not castigated as much? It is hard to prove this either way, beyond just basing it on a gut feeling, as Mika does.

But Mark Sanford himself identified why this might be the case, back in 1998, when he was complaining that no one wanted to impeach Bill Clinton anymore:

"In politics you can get away with anything as long as it's what's expected," says Representative Mark Sanford, a Republican from South Carolina. "If people expect you to be a rascal, you can be a rascal. That he is a rascal has been discounted. But he is also an engaging personality - and things can't get better than this in the economy."

"If people expect you to be a rascal, you can be a rascal." And maybe the party of conservative Christian family values is held to a higher standard because they hold everyone else to a higher standard! And also maybe it is just funnier when one of those guys is caught doing this than when some godless liberal secularist is! These are all pretty simple concepts.

[Photo: AP]

Rudy has a plan to fix New York State Government: put him in charge of it! No, but seriously. He would like a State Constitutional Convention. Because a legislature that cannot get a quorum because half the members have locked themselves in the chamber and stolen the gavel will probably get right on that Constitutional Convention thing.

Once that happened, voters would select delegates, to go to this convention, in November of 2010, and then, after the convention, everyone would vote, again, on the recommendations, so this is maybe more of a long-term "fix," Rudy, when what we need right now, at this very moment, is for those fucking idiots to just shut up and vote on legislation.

Oh, but let us hear Rudy Giuliani out. Because, you know, we are always so fair to him, and never call him a fascist, or a cross-dressing opera-loving Manhattan dandy whose much-vaunted political acumen turned out to consist entirely of an ability to rile up and stoke the insecurities of the White Ethnics.

But let's look at his recommendations to our new Constitutional Conventions (so exciting! it's like a state fair!).

He'd like a more sensible budget process, term limits (hah!) for statewide elected officials (HAH!), redistricting by independent commission, campaign finance reform (o rly), "supermajority for tax increases" (mandatory supermajorities always cure partisan gridlock), pay increases for judges, and a better system of gubernatorial succession.

Aren't those all, with the exception of the tax increase thing, reasonable suggestions? Look at Rudy over here, playing the bipartisan elder statesman, ready to bring seriousness back to Albany! It is almost like he is trying to make center-left rich white Times readers more comfortable with the idea of Governor Rudy, or something!

Of course if Governor Rudy was faced with this current crisis, he would probably try to solve it by instituting state-wide martial law, stopping and frisking all the black state senators, going on the radio to call Democrats names, stamping his little feet, attacking Al Sharpton for some reason, hiring various mobbed-up criminals, and moving his office to whatever is currently the most obvious remaining terror target in New York (the Brooklyn Bridge?).

Thankfully he won't be governor, because his campaign strategy will once again consist of not campaigning except in Florida.

As the story's been told by three papers: Rudy's walking down the street when 69 year-old Amagansett local John McCluskey (pictured, right) comes up to him and starts screaming at him. McCluskey allegedly threatened to "punch (Giuliani's) lights out" and Giuliani responded with something along the lines of "Bring it on!" The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.

And that's about as far as it went, as neither party really "brought it." Giuliani's moll, Judi, dialed their driver and hysterically ordered an extraction operation of him, and shortly thereafter, called the 5-0 (not the sequence of events: driver, then cops). McCluskey went into the coffee shop, emptied out all the change in his pockets, and was soon arrested by the fuzz, who hit the scene minutes later. The entire thing lasted a few minutes, and really, it was just two old guys yelling at each other. McCluskey's mostly been painted as "crazed" and "a lunatic" by New York papers, though he was noted as "slim and well-dressed" by a Post quote, and looks like a dead-ringer for John Larroquette, to us. McCluskey took the initiative to get ahead of the press cycle, and emailed us this morning. The semi-press-releasey, [sic]-heavy email from him:

Dear Editor,

I am the alleged crazed John W. McCluskey who "tried to attack" sweet Rudy Gulianno "out for a stroll" in Bridgehampton. The fact is that while crossing the street I simply informed Rudy of my contempt for his sleazy bullying tactics for most of his prosecutorial life. I pointed out he would gladly prosecute and persecute the innocent as well as the guilty if it gained him publicity.

He became irate and angry and threatened to beat me up for daring to express my opinion. He flew into a rage in the middle of the street using the foulest of language and threatened to kick my ass.His wife tried to calm him down but he continued his ranting's. Of course he proved my point by having me arrested for speaking irreverently to his royal nothingness. He's a true egomaniac and a bully who can hand it out but can't take.

I'm a publisher and documentary film maker of good reputation, never having been arrested before.("When the Goddess Ruled the Earth" and "Zeus Almighty") which is in the process of release. Rudy in the 80's harassed me and my company Arden Communications on phoney allegations of wrong doing regarding tax shelters as he did to thousands of others. In any case, I just had surgery on my knee and wouldn't have been foolish enough to engage Rudy in fisticuffs, but looking at the shape of him would preclude any idea of hitting the poor man, he's truly pathetic looking.

Aside for all of that he probably knows I am working on a documentary on 911 which includes his ineptitude and mishandling of certain events leading up to 911 and he thought this would be a good opportunity to discredit me. I emptied my pockets trying to come up with enough change for coffee at the Golden Pear which is where I was going when I met Rudy.

John W. McCluskey
Arden Films

McCluskey also told Newsday that he is "not a respecter of [Giuliani], and..told him essentially that he would prosecute and persecute a cheese sandwich if he got the opportunity." Now, we doubt McCluskey actually said that, but if he did: hilarity, and also, kinda true (though the Gouda RICO Trials would be a great beat to cover). Giuliani's spokesperson - which, amazingly, he still has - noted that the mayor "handled himself well and was calm considering the situation."The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.

It's not really that crazy to want to scream at Rudy Giuliani. He just did it, which, yeah: kinda makes him crazy, but kind of not! My favorite part of this McCluskey's email is that he tries to explain the change-emptying after he plugs his movie. A flack, and he pays for his coffee with change: a true New York hero, no doubt.

Rudy Giuliani confronts angry heckler at restaurant in the Hamptons [NYDN]
Rudy Giuliani accosted in Hamptons, police say [Newsday]
Rudy Giuliani Stands Up To Crazed Attacked On Hamptons Stroll [NYP]

Huffington Post legacy hire Matthew Palevsky defended uniformly innocuous Timesman Sewell Chan's Twitter honor.

Nation correspondent Ari Melber captured the sad sadness of a sad politican's sad press conference.

Gourmet editor Ruth Reichl felt the consequences of auctioning herself off to the highest bidder.

Chicago Tribune leisureblogger Bill Daley became the guy who complains about the copier.

Fox DC anchor Brian Bolter felt a false sense of relief.

Did you witness the media elite tweet something indiscreet? Please email us your favorite tweets — or send us more Twitter usernames.

Back when Rudy was actually running for president (hah) as a Republican, we had a lot of fun with his divorces and wife-cheating-on and the fact that really the only thing he had in common with the modern Republican party was that he is a psychotic White man who wants to make permanent war on various brown people. Well, they nominated John McCain, so joke's on us, but for some fucking reason Rudy is still pretending to try to make himself palatable to 'mainstream' Republicans or something, which is why today he is against The Gay Marriage.

What? Why? Who knows! But he's furious that our blind accidental governor reintroduced the gay marriage bill. Even the Post is kind of confused.

"Marriage, I believe, both traditionally and legally, has always been between a man and a woman and should remain between a man and woman," said Giuliani, who has been married three times.

Nice zinger, Dicker.

So Rudy is trying to position himself for a disastrous gubernatorial run, or something. Meanwhile his old gay roommates are going to get gay married. These friends have been together for 18 years, and neither of them plans on leaving the other during, say, a press conference.

Back when Rudy had a soul (it was a tiny, twisted, vile excuse for one, but it seems to have actually existed), he promised his friends that he himself would personally marry them, once it became legal.

Rudy Giuliani should be locked in a box with a ferret.

America's mayor may be the economic downturn's littlest victim. The Post says that his laughable "consulting" firm, originally created to smelt nickels out of the smoking husk of the World Trade Center, is flagging:

The firm's client list has thinned out in the past few years, as have partner salaries, the sources said. Some partners have left, and some support staffers let go.

The former mayor himself is infrequently there, the sources said, adding that he's still working the speaker's circuit hard and making international trips.

Incredible! Has the market for clientss eager to pay money to a firm nominally led by a man who turned an early Presidential campaign lead into utter collapse through sheer bad planning shrunk somehow? One would think that there's always a great pool of suckers ready to pay some lazy fascist to help them "solve critical strategic issues, accelerate growth, and enhance the reputation and brand of their organizations in the context of strongly held values." (Values: Rudy Giuliani loves money; Rudy Giuliani would kill your fucking kitten for some press; Sadism in general.)

The firm says no, things are fine, although they acknowledge the company's "down to about 30 employees from the 60 it had about two years ago." You know who else I hear has experienced similar shrinkage? Ronn [sic] Torossian's 5WPR. Birds of a feather. [NYP]

We called a source close to Giuliani, who adamantly insisted that there is nothing wrong in Giulianiland, but we also know that there are news outlets sniffing around as we write. It could just be smoke, but then again Rudy's batting one for three so far in successful marriages, so it's not crazy to wonder.

Update: According to an adviser to Giuliani, the couple have been on a trip to California since Saturday and she'll be attending the event in L.A. mentioned below. As for why they've been missing from New York, the adviser says they spent a couple weeks in Hawaii while he made money giving motivational speeches. Nice work if you can get it.

Before the election, the couple were regulars on the campaign trail. And they used to be spotted on the town regularly in New York Post's Page Six, but the gossip column has only mentioned them twice this year, both times in Florida. The most recent photo of Judith that we could find was a Patrick McMullan photo from a New York charity event last December.

Of course, in addition to their New York home, the Giulianis own a house in the Hamptons as well as one in Palm Beach, which they purchased for Judith's parents. Late last year, they sold her parents home in her hometown of Hazleton, Pa.

We called the Palm Beach house and asked for Judith, to see if she's been spending time down there. A woman answered, said "I'm sorry," and hung up.

Rudy, though, has been keeping himself in the limelight lately —he was on Sean Hannity's show on Friday, and hosted a party in Connecticut earlier this month, sans Judi.

He's supposed to be speaking tonight in Los Angeles, too—let us know if he brings the wife along.

The former New York City mayor spoke at a press conference at the Ohio Victory campaign’s grassroots leadership conference Saturday. Giuliani was asked what he would say to columnists who’ve criticized John McCain’s selection of Palin, such as Kathleen Parker, George Will and David Frum.

“I think they look like a bunch of jerks after the debate the other night,” Giuliani said. “I think they should all say they made a mistake.”

[Politico]

In "Vegas, Baby, Vegas," Harding describes an invitation from Giuliani's chief of staff for the Arizona Senator to stay for free in the Bellagio, arrangements secured and likely paid for on a credit card from New York's Housing Development Corporation, which is supposed to spend its money building housing for poor people. Harding:

There are rules about accepting such things, either from a friend (if that was Tony) or from the hotel if indeed Tony had arranged it with the VIP office so that the hotel would swallow the cost for McCain from the outset. I thought it strange that these things never came up.

McCain also got a "vanity" police escort whenever he came to New York, Harding said. And he supposedly liked to spend a hours at the craps table with an attractive lady friend on his arm as a "lucky charm:"

We found Carol at the craps table shooting for McCain. It was sure a funny sight. He was calmly urging her on and the other gamblers were calling her by name telling her which point to hit. She was hitting it too. Tony told me that McCain really believed that Carol was lucky.

After a few minutes of this Tony said, “John, Carol’s gotta go with us for the day.” The crowd groaned. I laughed. It was a surreal thing. “No, no. She has to stay and roll for me,” McCain pleaded. “No John, I have to go with the boys,” Carol told him. At this point Tony introduced me. We left shortly thereafter.

We spent the day casino hopping, gambling and shopping. When I dropped them back off at their hotel I had to retrieve something from their room. Making our way through the casino to the elevators, sure enough what should we see but Sen. McCain shooting dice. “Jesus Christ”, I said. “How can he do that? He’s been standing there for eight straight hours.”

Response from the commenters has been surprisingly positive. "This forum is yet another example that there is hope of true reform from the selfish corruption that has consumed our society," one wrote.

A dishy smear site from a convicted felon and child porn consumer: Welcome to your unconventional new source of "true reform."