The 10-second tape—which shows Ms. Tequila playing with a man's penis and then show's the man's face before ending abruptly—was put up on a free porn site. Tila says that the scene was on her laptop which was stolen about two years ago, and her lawyer is threatening to sue whoever leaked the footage (it's good sized, but not a foot—zing!).

That seems unwise, because what this tape seems to say is, "Hi, I'm Tila Tequila. This is my sex tape. This is the guy I made it with. Please pay attention to us." And this comes less than a week after she got naked and ranted on her UStream page, so she has been begging for some negative attention of the dirty variety.

We have no clue who the guy is, but he's not unattractive—well, for a dude getting his dick molested by Tila Tequila. He kind of looks like Russell Brand's hot brother. As Gawker's resident vagina expert, I can guarantee that there is no vagina in this tape. However, there is a whole lot of sadness.

If you really need to see the footage, it is on a site called 4tube.com that is very NSFW (unless you work in a Thai brothel). It is also not safe for your sanity.

• Russell Brand's Hampstead home is on the market for £2.5 million, which, if my rudimentary math skills serve, is about $4.2 million. The "dramatic and stylish" three-bedroom home features a landscaped garden and "wheely bins round the back," whatever that means. (Was it a sex joke?) The real question: Is he selling it so he can move in with Katy Perry in LA? And if so: Is there any way we can stop him from invading our country? [3AM]
• 
  
• With regards to his eponymous relationship with Taylor Swift, Taylor Lautner says "it's weird calling somebody your name," which sounds about right. [OK]
• 
  
• Madonna still denies she going to Brazil to meet boytoy Jesus Luz's mother, saying "I am going there strictly for fund raising and humanitarian purposes." Honey, if you refer to visits with your future mother-in-law a humanitarian mission, you are never going to win her over. [P6]
• 
  
• Jon Gosselin will countersue TLC for $5 million, proving yet again that shamelessness is not a terrible financial strategy. [Radar]
• 
  
• Speaking of the financial value of shamelessness: Accused Letterman blackmailer Joe Halderman is asking friends and co-workers to contribute to his legal fund. He's got $50K so far, needs at least $200K, and would have had $2 million if only that old perv had coughed up the dough and kept his mouth shut. [TMZ]
• 
  
• Page Six has more on Jho Low, the mysterious Malaysian club king that everyone is talking about, but nobody will really dish on. Apparently Low "is a golden goose for nightclub owners, who are fiercely protecting his privacy." He regularly runs up six-figure Cristal tabs, and the decor for his 28th birthday at Caesars Palace included "bikini-clad party girls" and "caged lions and tigers." [P6]
• 
  
• Demi Moore looks insanely hot (albeit a touch anorexic) on the cover of W. She discusses being a cougar in the accompanying article: "I'd prefer to be called a puma," Ashton may be young but they have a "deep and old connection." Whatever, cradle robber. [PopSugar]
• 
  
• Sir Ian McKellen advocates the destruction of property in the fight for gay rights, saying the choice of whether to write a letter to your congressman or "go and break windows" is really a personal one. [P6]
• 
  
• Pamela Anderson is getting picky about the lighting she is photographed in, insisting on shadow-free ring flashes at a recent event in Miami. She's the Blanche Dubois of silicone-bolstered soft-core porn. [P6]
• 
  
• Robert Pattinson has raunchy B.O. Apparently there is an air of "bad personal hygiene hanging around him like the hum of four-day-old fish carcass from the kitchen bin," according to 3AM, which is officially my new favorite gossip source. The fetid actor admitted, "I dont know, my personal hygiene—it's so disgusting!" It is so depressing when teen heartthrobs are as clueless and gross as regular teens. [3AM]

• Pamela Anderson should be investigated for breaking child labor laws after having a 9-year old girl hold her dress train and sit at her feet at this week's Hollywood Style Awards. Or that's what a Child Labor Coalition spokesman thinks: "I would want to speak to the child to ask her if it is something she willingly did. Nine is very young, and an awards ceremony is a long time for a child to be out holding a dress." This could be bigger than the Triangle Factory Fire. [Page Six]
  
  
• Do people really have to ask why Rush Limbaugh's still a member of the infamously racist Everglades Club in Palm Beach? [Page Six]
  
  
• Oh no! Katy Perry better watch out: Russell Brand's ex-girlfriend says he's incapable of monogamy. Their breakup would be the death of love forever. [Page Six]
  
  
• Jon Gosselin has been ordered to return $180,000 he took from a joint account he and wife Kate share. So now maybe that money can go toward, you know, his gaggle of children. [Star]
  
  
• Jeffrey Tambor, who plays the Bluth family patriarch on Arrested Development, recently gave birth to a pair of twin boys. Well, his wife Kasia did the actual birthing, but let's not parse here, okay? [People]
  
  
• Christie Brinkley and ex-husband Peter Cook have finally signed their divorce settlement. Does this mean their tabloid war will die down? Doubtful: Cook's lawyers yesterday described Brinkley as a "bitter, vindictive, angry woman," while Brinkley reminded us all that Cook's been called an "extreme narcissist." [NYDN]
  
  
• Paris Hilton adopted a ridiculous pet — a pig — and animal activists are mad as hell. This all seems so familiar. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Very important news: Peaches Geldof is now blonde again. All those hunger strikes paid off. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Swoon: Jordan Catalano himself, Jared Leto, has joined the fight for gay marriage. [E!]
  
  
• Ashton Kutcher once told then-girlfriend January Jones that she wouldn't be good at acting. And now she's proving him wrong on Mad Men. Well, she's famous because of Mad Men. Whether she's a good actress remains open to debate. [NYDN]

• A tired-looking Sarah Jessica Parker took her three children for a walk and, again, looked tired. So everyone says she has one foot in the grave and it's all Sex and the City's fault because SJP has to work so hard! Pitchforks, please. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Can you believe that someone as famous as Britney Spears has been checking into hotels under assumed names? Once those pitchforks are done with SJP-murdering Sex and the City, turn them on Spears. She's evil. [Page Six]
  
  
• Everyone and their mother's leaving at intermission for the latest incarnation of Othello, which stars Phillip Seymour Hoffman. Blasphemy! [Page Six
  
  
• Oliver Hudson, Goldie Hawn's less famous child, will soon have a second baby with wife Erinn Bartlett. Mazel! [NYDN]
  
  
• Suri Cruise's wardrobe is worth more than your impoverished life! (PS: Can you believe we live in a society where children are both richer and more fascinating that actual adults? Now, turn those pitchforks on yourselves. And us.) [San Francisco Chronicle]
  
  
• Lily Allen went out, got drunk and her sad, pathetic boyfriend had to watch. [3am]
  
  
• Famous actor Dennis Hopper has been released from the hospital, so halt your prayers. [CBS]
  
  
• The ever-wonderful Liza Minnelli will cover Beyonce's "Single Ladies," because she knows something about such matters. Well, kind of... [MSNBC]
  
  
• Katy Perry, a singer who will no doubt be remembered as a one-hit wonder, has been "snogging" Russell Brand, a comedian of some sort. She also sent him pictures of her boobies. [The Sun]
  
  
• Why are people surprised that a man as rich and connected as Simon Cowell would spend massive amounts of money on his birthday? More importantly, why were we not invited? [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Jon Gosselin's been acting like more of an ass than usual since splitting with his equally horrid wife. Now TLC has suspended the reality show he left because of his "erratic behavior." Huh? [NYDN]
  
  
• A comedian named Billy Eichner recently recounted a sex session with former NYT food critic Frank Bruni, who, said Eichner at the time, has an "oral fixation." What does that even mean? He likes food? Oh... Well, who doesn't? [Page Six]
  
  
• Quentin says there will be a Kill Bill 3. Hoorah! [Page Six]

• Ha! Here's a dose of reality: The Hills "star" Stephanie Pratt tried to buy a bottle of champagne at a VMA after-party and her credit card was declined. She was later seen crying hysterically. [Page Six]
  
  
• Speaking of "reality," apparently no real socialites want to hang out for Tinsley Mortimer's reality show, so producers are trying to concoct new A-listers to help provide some energy, because Mortimer is not "dynamic" enough to carry the show on her own. That's hardly surprising, but still amusing. [Page Six]
  
  
• There's video of Michael Jackson making the shocking confession that he was a pain killer addict. [The Sun]
  
  
• Jennifer Grey says she will always remember Patrick Swayze — and his arms — with fondness. Funny, because we always heard that they hated one another. [ET]
  
  
• Katy Perry sure does get around — and doesn't have the best taste. The singer was spotted smooching John Mayer last Friday and then, after Sunday's VMA awards, locked lips with Russell Brand. Bleck. We need a mint just thinking about it. [Page Six]
  
  
• Brittany "Bre" Scullark, a semifinalist on America's Next Top Model, was arrested for disorderly conduct in New York City yesterday and berating another woman at Starbucks. We all have our ugly side, huh? [TMZ]
  
  
• Bea Arthur once described Betty White as a "cunt." If anyone could get away with talking trash about White, it was Arthur. [Page Six]
  
  
• Ouch! Kim Kardashian wanted to meet Gerard Butler, but he told a would-be facilitator "No thanks." [MSNBC]
  
  
• Oh no! Elton John announced he wanted to adopt a Ukrainian lad, but officials claim that, at 62, he's too old. [NYDN]
  
  
• Speaking of old men: Harrison Ford says he's signed on for the fifth installment of the Indiana Jones franchise. Because the world needs more bullshit movies, right? [People]
  
  
• Colin Farrell has successfully impregnated his girlfriend, Alicja Bachleda. [People]

• Doug Reinhardt rented an island or something in order to win back America's tainted love, Paris Hilton. Paris, of course, loves being treated like a princess and is gushing all over the place about it. [Sun]
  
  
• Sienna Miller may have finally found someone to love her and he's known as the "Slinky Wizard." This mystery man is a DJ (Of course he is!) named DJ George Barker, who supposedly specializes in trance music. And hey — he's single! [Mirror]
  
  
• Brad Pitt was so busy signing a new contract with the Weinstein's at the Inglorious Bastards premiere that poor Angelina had to spend her time talking to Eli Roth. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Jermaine Jackson is still trying to organize some sort of tribute to Michael Jackson with the help of Larry King's wife Shawn, of all people. [Page Six]
  
  
• Renee Zellweger and Bradley Cooper are jaunting around in Barcelona with their hands all over each other in public, even putting their hands on each other's asses at one point! [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Blanket Jackson's surrogate mother has been revealed to be a Mexican nurse named Helena. Supposedly Jackson liked her because she was attractive and Latina. Who knew Michael liked Latin ladies?! [Mirror]
  
  
• Our old pal James Frey has written some sort of novel about a man some believe to be the messiah. [Page Six]
  
  
• Russell Brand says that he's looking for a woman who has a "high pain threshold." [Mirror]
  
  
• Justin Timberlake has purchased a 13,500 square foot home in Greenwich, CT. It was originally listed at $23.9-million but closed for $18.7-million. [Page Six]
  
  
• Rumors are swirling that Paula Abdul could end up at ABC in some capacity, including as a guest star on Ugly Betty. [TMZ]

• Justin Timberlake isn't satisfied with singing and dancing and acting—He wants to write a book, about golf no less. We can't wait. The proposal's going out this week. Instant classic. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Where is Michael Jackson's brain? His body was placed in his golden coffin the other day but his brain wasn't inside? Does LaToya have Michael's brain? Is LaToya actually Michael after all? We demand answers! [Sun]
  
  
• Wass Stephens, the longtime doorman at Marquee and Avenue and an actor with recurring parts on Ugly Betty and Law and Order, was charged with assault after beating a club patron with the metal end of a velvet rope. [Page Six]
  
  
• Jason Bateman is opening up about his addictions to drugs and alcohol when he was younger. Who knew that Jason Bateman was an addict? [Daily News]
  
  
• Kate Hudson and Alex Rodriguez are not being shy about their unrelenting celebrity love for each other. They were recently spotted having dinner with Bob Costas and his wife, holding hands and whispering in each other's ears all the while. [Page Six]
  
  
• A new book on David Beckham devotes an entire chapter to the friendship between Becks and Tom Cruise, who Beckham says has influenced every major decision he's made since 2003. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Ali Wise, a flack for Dolce and Gabbana often linked romantically to hotelier Jason Pomeranc, has been arrested on felony computer hacking charges. [Page Six]
  
  
• Rosie Perez is set to play Obama Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor in a movie to be made about her life. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Russell Brand recently took a vow of celibacy but now he's working in LA on a movie and he just can't resist those frisky Hollywood women. [Mirror]
  
  
• Debbie Rowe broke down into tears after she saw Paris Jackson, who she birthed or whatever, speak at Michael Jackson's funeral the other day (didn't everybody?) [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Jason Lee got into a fight with some random dude at Max Fish on the Lower East Side the other night and whipped out some of his martial arts skills to defend himself. [Page Six]

After analyzing his appeal to Americans ("I think what I inherently possess—verbose, loquacious, obsessed with language...occasionally grandiose but self-effacing, full of self-doubt, egotistical—these things are in alignment with assumptions that they have of English people") and detailing a teenage, prostitute-laden trip to Bangkok with his father that may have begun his lady-killing ways, Brand is asked exactly why so many women want to sleep with him:

“Well, I don’t know—I’m sure there are as many reasons as there are women—but I think if there is a consistency, I think that there’s something that’s very truthful in it. I’m completely honest, I completely love them, and I’m completely in alignment with something that’s truthful. If I was going up to women and going, ‘Oh, all right darling, you’ve got lovely hair, do you want to come back to my place, I’ve got a Jacuzzi’—all of which is true—I don’t think it would work. But honestly, the thirst is so powerful: ‘Oh, my God, you’re so beautiful, how can you not come with me now, it’s going to be brilliant. Why would you not? What are you doing? What’s on the telly? What are you going to do instead?’ I’m not a [real] estate agent with a Porsche key ring on my thumb. The thing I’m offering I can deliver.”

Hmm, and here we thought it was the hair all this time. Perhaps it's time to fish that comb out of the trash can. [GQ]

[Photo Credit: Martin Schoeller/GQ]

However, after his erudite seduction technique was rebuffed by a comely New York Post source unsure of what "ablutions" were, Brand's affections returned to more familiar waters.

British comedian Russell Brand isn't done picking on the Jonas Brothers.

Who does he want to kiss on New Year's?

"I think all of the Jonas Brothers," he told Usmagazine.com at the Los Angeles premiere of Bedtime Stories on Thursday. "But very gently and consensually."

We have a feeling certain JoBros might return those kisses more consensually than others, but we ask that Brand not be deterred. Clever placement of the mistletoe and a subtle spiking of the tour bus egg nog could lead to a session of flat-ironing sexually charged enough to please even ardent fornication-prescriber Courtney Love.

• Russell Brand: I Want the Jonas Brothers to Be My New Year's Kiss! [Us]

So does the British lothario give better text than his American counterparts? The NY Daily News has the evidence:

After dancing up a sweat with one lovely lass at an NYC bar, the "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" star began a barrage of text messages. "I have excellent facilities for ablutions, should you ever tire of the sweating and such," he pinged. "I'd be happy to scrub your back - from a safe distance. Russell. X."

After the gal confessed she'd found a gray hair one day, Brand eased her worries: "We could meet early evening and bolster your rightly damaged ego with orgasms."

But our favorite line was, "Come and see me in the daytime. We could generate a satanic infant."

Certainly, Brand displays a certain wit and depth of vocabulary that often eludes the typical American male's sexy text ("U BONE TONITE?"). But Helen, really: some things ought to remain private.

• Actor, comedian Russell Brand shows humor in pickup scene, too [NY Daily News]

Though we'd figured the layers of locks held some sort of Samson-like ability for the British lothario, Brand explained that really, his intent is to get closer to God — or serve as a calling tower for extraterrestrials, should they exist. Still, the powerfully hypnotic effect of his hairstyle on Letterman ought to give Brand hope: perhaps a simple question of "Do I have something in my hair?" to his crush, Helen Mirren, could result in another red two-piece hanging off his bedpost.

• Late Show [CBS]

Brand, who will soon be co-starring with Mirren in The Tempest, kicked off the flirtation in the Daily Mail:

He said of Helen, infamous for getting her kit off for the camera: "She is so hot. There's something about her that drives me wild.

"She's so sexy and enchanting, just look at her form.

"They're going to have to hold me back when we start work. I'll be all over her. I don't know how I'll get any work done."

Eventually, the Mail caught up with the cougar in question, who purred:

"I heard Russell fancies me. I fancy him too," [Mirren] told us. "I mean, who can resist a man that looks so good in tight trousers.

He's absolutely lovely."

Helen and Russell, while we adore you separately, we fear that a potential union between you two could end badly; after all, think of all the cocaine, date rapes, and water sports you've worked so hard to put behind you! To become romantically entangled would only bring those bad habits back to the forefront, so we must politely ask that you stay with your previous partners (Mirren with Hackford, and Brand with his elephant vagina) before the British film industry is brought down by a debilitating storm of naughty randiness.

• Russell Brand wants to bed Dame Helen Mirren [The Mirror]

• Brand new toy boy? [The Mirror]

The pair are said to have enjoyed an intimate dinner last night at Hollywood's Little Red Door restaurant, where they arrived and left separately in an apparent effort to avoid being photographed together.

...Just hours before their romantic dinner last night, Russell told reporters he was back on the prowl after a three-month relationship with Australian Teresa Palmer, describing himself as 'footloose and fancy free'.

We can't decide: does dating Brand augur trouble for the disaster-prone Spears, or is it a decided case of trading up? Time will tell if their union is meant to be, but if it means that Britney will replace her Cheetos with bangers and mash, then right-o, guv!

• Just as Britney Spears is getting her life together... she goes on a date with ex-drug and sex addict Russell Brand [Daily Mail]

Boomp3.com

It must’ve been a case of déjà vu for actor Jonah Hill as a photographer sneaked up on him again while jogging in Hollywood. However, this time around, the photographer did not tempt Hill with cupcakes or other delicious treats. Instead, the photographer was more interested in Hill’s beard and simply asked, “What’s the deal with the beard, dude?” Hill explained that he was growing the beard because he’s going to do a guest spot on Deadliest Catch as well as to make a stab at credibility. Hill said, “Philip Seymour Hoffman has a really nice beard growing there. He’s pretty well respected. Maybe, if I had one of those things, I’d be able to do more dramatic work. Something intense or maybe a part as Nick Nolte’s crazy long lost son.”

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

"I had John McCain gags pulled. And they asked me to tone down the gags about Sarah Palin. I wanted to say she was forcing her teenage daughter to have a baby because she is so anti-abortion.

"But also, as a Republican she is pro-execution so she is going to give her the electric chair for being a little slut.

"They weren't keen on that one."

Finally, something Jordin Sparks and her archenemy Brand can agree on: if Bristol Palin had simply eschewed "slutdom" and worn a promise ring like good girls do, she would never have gotten pregnant at age 17, forcing Sarah Palin to consider executing her own daughter while firing all the dinosaurs in Alaska. At last, some change we can all believe in!

• Russell Brand pulled Sarah Palin electric chair jokes at VMA [Telegraph]

"It’s something I feel strongly about,” she tells EW.com. “I wish I would’ve worded it differently — that somebody who doesn’t wear a promise ring isn’t necessarily a slut — but I can’t take it back now. It was a split-second thing, and it came out kind of wrong. Still, I don’t regret it.” Neither do the Jonas sibs, who complimented Sparks moments after the rant. As for Brand, he and Sparks shared a laugh after the show. “I have nothing against him at all,” says the singer, who insists she’s not turned off by the experience. In fact, she’d happily go back. That is, “If I get an invite.”

Of course you will, Jordin; after all, your impromptu diatribe gifted the ceremony with some desperately needed sparks (excuse the pun). We look forward to the brand-new MTV special Jordin Sparks's Wagging Finger, where MTV replays the awards show with picture-in-picture commentary from the Idol winner as she shakes her head at Katy Perry's provocative banana peeling and mutters at the tarty Miley Cyrus, "Such licentiousness!"

• Jordin Sparks 'doesn't regret' promise ring outburst at VMAs [EW]