• You guys. Don't you just love it when you sit around talking about the good old days, like St. Elmo's Fire, or something, and then something happens to remind you that, you know what, These Are The Days? Something like that happened and it made the front story of Page Six. Who ran crying out of a party? Lindsay Lohan ran crying out of a party. God, I feel 22 again! So: Am I supposed to know who this Courtenay Semel person is? She looks like a broke-ass Brittny Gastineau or something. Actually, I have no idea what the hell she looks like, either, it just sounded right, you know? Anyway. This Court-en-ay person used to be good friends with LiLo and then (Team) Lohan became too fabulous for her and now, they ran into each other at a party at Gastineau's place. Apparently, Court-en-ay (sound it out) just got out of rehab and came back ready to rock out with her fabulous out, or whatever, and she decided to try to help LiLo by giving her some advice on going to rehab in a very public manner. Princess Lipsdsay was not happy about this and cried and left, and all of the Sunlillies in the Kingdom of Hollywood wept a shimmering, single petal, as they do every time Lilo leaves a party that had Jill Zarin, Nicole Murphy and Jamie Foxx at it (Let's be honest, you know Jamie Foxx made a really funny joke about this shit: Blame it on the Bus-prin?). Lohan left to go party with some shipping heir, Starvos The Greek, until 7AM. [Page Six]
  
  
• America's Prettiest Homophobe Carrie Prejean apparently made seven different sex tapes and took lots of nekkid pictures before she was a Crazy Homophobe and went on Larry King and freaked out. Girl, don't you get it? You say some stupid shit and act all proud, like we should care. Then, you try to "take your message" of hate out whatever, fine. But you know the world's gossip pages are run by queens and showtune-loving Jews who would love nothing more than your moral hypocrisy of shame spread prostrate (or in this case, spread eagle) in front of America the Public? You should get Levi Johnston's manager, this Tank character. He may be a crook, but at least he's a crook who knows what he's doing. [NYDN]
  
  
• Twilight fans, you know how much I hate you. Now know how much the directors of the movie hate you: Catherine Hardwick was basically all like, yeah, Rob Patz and K-Stew's romance was a slowwwww burn, baby. Which probably feels like taking a band-aid off very slowly to you. [NYDN]
  
  
• Oh, Daniel Radcliffe, you are the shit, son. Radcliffe denied he smoked weed today after he was pictured on the front page of a British tabloid smoking what appeared to be a paper with some wackiness in it and wearing a, wait for it, "bizarre, comic-looking beard etched on his face." Much like my real one. He claims to be smoking a hand-rolled cigarette. Does it matter what he was smoking? He either smokes rollies or he smokes L's, and he was wearing a drawn-on beard on his face. He likes cougars, and the first performance he made on Broadway was a Dirk Diggler moment people shelled out over $100 to see. Also, he's Harry Potter. Could have it worse, you know? [Page Six]
  
  
• Lindsay Price and Josh Randor broke up. Who? One of them is from some Eastwick show the other is a guy from How I Met Yo' Momma. [NYDN]
  
  
• Serena Williams: Bootylicious? Apparently, her jelly isn't ready to play tennis these days. [Page Six]
  
  
• Shameless Self-Promotion: Jared Leto is the best. [BlackBook]
  
  
• Some dicknose trying to shake down Cindy Crawford is a real piece of shit. Surprised? He also beat his ex-wife a bunch when they were married. [NYDN]
  
  
• And speaking of dicknoses, Jon Gosselin is now claiming to be too famous to be employed. So serious right now. He's filing a lawsuit against TLC saying that they've rendered him unemployable due to the insane media interest on him. Hey, Court of Law, as a member of the media, I can say that Jon Gosselin is the one attempting to draw our interest out, and he's pretty bad at that job, too. [NYDN]
  
  
• Stripper, to Fergie: "Sorry for sleeping with Josh Duhamel." Kids, to Stripper Mom: "Sleeping with Josh Duhamel < Stripping." [NYDN]
  
  
• Normally, whenever PETA opens their mouths, even if it's for a good cause, you're like OMGSTFU PETA, you guys are being crazy-obnoxious right now and a detriment to your cause. But I have to say, on this one, well played: they're asking US Marshals to donate Ruth Madoff's furs to the homeless to "highlight the difference between need and greed." Like, whoever made that PR play and got it in Page Six, smooth. Take the day off, PETAPerson. [Page Six]
  
  
• Some old guy does it with young chicks, or something. Go get 'em Saturday gossip pages. [Page Six]

And here we are: Saturday, the Saturday of Our Lives. I don't know what that means, but maybe Lindsay Lohan will help us all find out.

[Photo via Bauer-Griffin]

• Lindsay Lohan's new clothing line, that she walked down the catwalk in Paris for fashion week, did not go over well with the French. But really: what does? Also, those lips, my god. Are you in there, LiLo? It's me, Margret. Anyway, the clothing looks pretty meh and I'm not impressed, but then again my sense of style extends to "jeans, shirt, whatever, J. Crew" so, you know, there's that. But really: fugly. Meh meh meh. That should've called this line Donatella Mehrsaci. Georgia Mehrmani. The United Colors of Mehnetton. Abercrombie and Meh. Forever Meh. Mehniqlo. TopMeh. Mehccia Prada. Meh Sport. Tommy Mehfinger. Etc. [Just Jared]
  
  
• Beyonce Knowles' dad, Matthew, supposedly knocked up some woman, argues Bucky Turco at ANIMALNY. She's the mother of Tone Loc's son, she's filing a paternity suit against him, and she's a former Seattle Seahawks dancer. All the single Knowles? All the single Knowles. [ANIMAL NY]
  
  
• Padma isn't saying who her baby's daddeh is. Page Six thinks it's the 69 year-old sleezer geezer running IMG. I hope it's Toby Young. [Page Six]
  
  
• Bill O'Reilly doesn't think you should beg if you're caught by enemies in a war zone. In other news, Page Six is running Bill O'Reilly's hostage negotiation tips? Great. Here's a good way to be released by your captors in a war zone: be Bill O'Reilly. Also see: The Ransom of Red Chief. [Page Six]
  
  
• Vincent Gallo, director of The Brown Bunny (who also starred as the film's lead in the trailblazing role of Guy Who Doesn't Talk For Two Hours Only To Get His Dong Sucked By Chloe Sevigny On Camera; the Oscars sadly overlooked it), has phone problems. He had a New York number, he got an LA number, and the guy who took his New York number is still pretending to be him. He's being creepy when girls call and when he was recently invited to a VICE screening of Where The Wild Things Are (which sounds like the best night of paint-huffing children's movie watching ev-ar) fake creepy Vincent Gallo asked the girl who invited "him" for a picture. This could actually be a set up for Gallo's next film, which I would go see. Gallo could play the role of Guy Who Walks Around New York Until He Finds Guy With His Phone Number And Punches Him In The Face (And Then Bones His Girlfriend, Because He's Vincent Fucking Gallo). In other news, maybe you've seen those advertisements we're running for Chelsea on the Rocks, yeah? Well, THIS IS NOT A SPONSORED POST, and also, I haven't seen the movie and have no idea if it's any good or not, but I was working on an interview with Abel Ferrara last year. Ferrara's insane. But this was great:

  I don't like Vincent Gallo.

  A lot of people say that.
  No, but I know him. You know? ‘Cause I introduced him to [my girlfriend, Shannon], and he asked her to marry him after a day. But she didn't bother telling me.

  So he's disrespectful?
  You know, he's a punk, man. He's just a punk. What'd he do? Hit this reporter the other day? I heard he like slammed this chick, right?

  He does it a lot.
  This kid's not right. Right? Right? Because he said that she didn't like his leather jacket. Smashed some chick in the face! [Editor's Note: Vincent Gallo did not actually, physically attack anyone.] You know what I'm saying? But I mean, you know, what can I say about the kid? I don't wanna talk about him.

  Say what you will about Abel Ferrara or Vincent Gallo, but they're both awesome New York characters. I wish this rivalry got hot and we could have some kind of charity thing where Ferrara gets to beat Vincent Gallo with a nightstick for two minutes. And then Ferrara goes over a dunk tank, and Vincent Gallo has to throw wadded up tissues at the target. That is all. [Page Six]
  
  

• Rush and Molloy, the husband and wife Boris and Natasha-esque gossip team, focus their Moose and Squirrel lens today on Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem, who they say are engaged. This is what they lead with. They're engaged. We all know she's preggers with her kid and they've been together for a while, so this isn't a surprise or really any kind of lead item. Rush and Molloy, I H8U, you're like the Family Circus of gossip pages. You suck this week. [NYDN]
  
  
• Heh. Barry Diller got dissed by Larry Page for Page's Blackberry. I think Page was just being coy and Diller was playing hard to get. But that's how I read into it. Also, Google sux. Heh. [Page Six]
  
  
• Does Liza Minelli get emotional and have to stop a medley written for Judy Garland at every performance? Isn't that part of her Itzhak Perlman-like shtick? Sorry Gays, I know she's Vishnu to you, but seriously? Come on. [Page Six]
  
  
• You know whenever a Page Six item begins with the words "Hedge-fund wife," it's going to be spectacular. And this was great: Lisa Falcone—a hedge-fund wife—donated $10M to the High Line without her husband's input. That's $10M for a "park" that's 30 feet above the ground and, I mean, listen: I don't know how to explain the High Line to anyone who doesn't live in New York, suffice to say it's one of those ridiculous New York things we enjoy (like waiting in Madison Square Park an hour for a burger, yes: a burger) that makes us all categorically insane. It's a park built on an abandoned elevated rail track. And $10M is a lot of money for it not to have people movers, or something. Anyway: this hedge-fund wife offered up the ten large without her husband knowing. And this was the quote: "My husband was a little unhappy because I made such a quick decision, and he said I should carefully consider the charity before writing a check." Well, yes. Because you gave $10M to something with the cultural significance of Shake Shack. Also, I—like so many other young, hardworking Murray Hill* residents—want to one day grow up to be a hedge-fund wife. Someone help me do this. [Page Six] *I do not actually live in Murray Hill.
  
  
• Ruth Madoff didn't know about Bernie's affair until the NYDN reported it, reports the NYDN. She went to prison to visit him and he still denied it. This is sad. [NYDN]
  
  
• Apparently, Michael Jackson's kids are doing well in their grandmother's care. As long as she keeps Joe Jackson away, they'll continue to do so. [NYDN]

And to celebrate the first nice piece of Michael Jackson news in months, 'bout we start this day off with a little jam, no? Happy Sunday!

Sheryl Weinstein, who got her family and her organization taken for millions by Madoff, has so far exposed the following deep dark secrets in her sexxxy Madoff affair book:

1. Bernie had a small dick.
2. But the sexxx was still okay.

And today, Weinstein wowed America with a sexxxy new revelation on Good Morning America: Madoff was "a good kisser. Very nice."

Hotttt! Of course, the real winner here is Ruth Madoff, who's using her total lack of knowledge of this affair, allegedly, as proof of her alleged lack of knowledge about Bernie's crimes. On GMA this morning, Weinstein did Ruth another favor:

"He was petrified of Ruth… of his wife finding out," she said. "Divorces or something like that leads to books being opened … something might come out."

It's the least she can do for writing a book about fucking her small-dicked husband.

It's simple: Ruth's greatest PR and legal need right now is to prove that she was ignorant of her husband's activities. Here, proof! The NYT drew a quote from Ruth's reluctant and doubtless heartbroken attorney:

Ruth Madoff, who has been married to Mr. Madoff for almost 50 years, knew nothing about the "alleged affair," said Peter Chavkin, her lawyer. While that, unfortunately, will not ease the pain of the people destroyed by the Madoff fraud, he continued, the allegation "stands as a powerful reminder, to those who say Ruth must have known of her husband's criminal scheme, that there are some things that some spouses - however close they are - do not share with each other."

In the best of all possible worlds for Ruth, Bernie would also turn out to be gay.
[Pic: AP]

See, the trustee was like, "Hey she has $2.5 mil, she lived the high life on all this stolen money, she needs to pay back the victims." And then Ruth was like "Me? I'm not living the high life, what?" So now the judge has ruled that Ruth Madoff has to document everything she buys that costs more than $100. Everything. Sez the Post:

The purchases must be deemed "reasonable" by a judge, otherwise she could be held liable and in contempt of court.

Ruth Madoff is exactly like a high school kid whose dad found out she used the "emergency" credit card he got her to buy booze. One more mistake, young lady, and it's bye-bye Visa, hello McJob.
[Pic: AP]

Irving Picard, the dashing trustee representing Madoff victims, has filed a $45 million lawsuit against Ruth. His basic argument: whether she knew it or not, she lived a lavish life with stolen money, and now the victims would like that money back, thanks.

Picard told The Post, "This isn't limited to what she has today. If she has earnings or gets money, from whatever sources, why shouldn't the victims benefit?" Identified in Picard's suit is more than $3 million in personal spending that Ruth rang up on an American Express card.

This is quite a populist argument! Unfortunately Ruth forfeited all her fancy stuff, leaving her with just enough for a 1BR fixer-upper and a trip to California Pizza Kitchen. She probably has not even $2 million to her name right now! So we don't think you victims will see the $45 mil, but still, feel free to approach Ruth on the street and ask her for change.
[NYP. Pic: AP]

Reports ABC:

"There were several times that I met with the SEC and thought 'they got me,'" Madoff told Joseph Cotchett, a San Francisco lawyer threatening to sue his wife, sons and brother on behalf of a group of victims.

"I was surprised at how candid he was," Cotchett told ABCNews.com after the session, the first time Madoff has talked with outside lawyers. Madoff refused to cooperate with the FBI after his initial, largely untruthful confession last December.

Cotchett said Madoff was "very articulate, very direct" and did not appear to hold back anything. "He talked about how he pulled it off, how many years he got away with it," the lawyer said.

Cotchett also said that Madoff "doesn't give a shit" about his two sons and that he's looking rather "buff" since he entered prison a few months ago, which begs the question: Do old Jews get hit on in prison?

First Madoff Interview: I Can't Believe I Got Away With It [ABC]

We already heard that club queen Suzanne Bartsch turned down the gig. That would have been an awesome addition indeed, but we have some other fantasy candidates that would really make the sparks fly over on Bravo.

Ruth Madoff: Well, if they don't send her to jail. Not only does everyone already love to hate her, but poor Alex McCord won't have the worst husband on the show for a change. And just wait for her first public event. The cameraman is going to need a bodyguard. [Photo: AP]
Paula Froelich: Well, it's not like the former Page Sixer has a job right now and she does have a book to promote, so what better way that by talking some shit about New York faux-cialites. She's been doing that for years! And Paula is witty, sassy, and just a bit crass. She'll either be Jill Zarin's new best friend, or eat her alive.
Fabiola Beracasa: An honest to God socialite, Beracasa won't need Bravo's help to get invited to fashion shows. We'd love to see how this little spitfire would square off against former model Kelly Bensimon. It would make Bethenny vs. Kelly look like a game of patty cake. She might be nuts enough to do it. She did wear this dress in public.
Ali Wise: She is a young, pretty professional. Just the type that casting directors should look for. She's also nutso enough to allegedly break into someone's voicemail. Just think about what Ramona Singer will do when she finds out someone has been reading her email.
Michael Lucas: Four versions of the Housewives franchise and not a gay housewife yet? You'd think that straight people watched Bravo. This self-promoting gay porn mogul doesn't take crap from anyone, and loves to argue. And, if he's willing to let Perez Hilton take his shirt off in public, imagine what Countess Luann De Lesseps will say about his etiquette.

• The Mirror is claiming that Michael Jackson had a fourth child—a 25 year-old Norwegian named Omer Bhatti. Bhatti bears a striking resemblance to Jackson and was seated on the front row with Jackson's family at his funeral in LA a couple of weeks ago. [Mirror]
  
  
• In the Bruno movie Brittny Gastineau says some really mean things about Jamie Lynn Spears. Now she's saying it was all a big joke. Haha! [Page Six]
  
  
• Marc Anthony became a partial owner of the Miami Dolphins yesterday. JLo will hit the training room to teach some of the players the secrets to ridiculous glute development. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Ruth Madoff wore ripped jeans and a baseball cap on a flight to North Carolina to visit her beloved swindler husband Bernie. [Page Six]
  
  
• Billy Joel has apparently found himself a rebound bang—former Young and the Restless actress Alex Donnelley. [Page Six]
  
  
• Britney Spears' LSU football-loving father Jamie thinks that Britney is all healed in her mind and ready to be left alone to handle her affairs on her own, something he's been doing since she lost her mind her a while back. [Daily News]
  
  
• Kiefer Sutherland and his girlfriend are just making out all over town, running their hands all over each others' naughty bits and just about having sex in front of mothers with their children. Gross. [Page Six]
  
  
• If you happen to interview Sienna Miller, be sure to avoid asking her any questions about her affair with Balthazar Getty, lest you be called a douchebag. [Sun]
  
  
• Mischa Barton's recent breakdown may cost her a role on a fall television show about supermodels she was scheduled to star in. [Sun]

Since he arrived at Butner, Madoff has only once shown emotion over the impact of his crime, the source said.

"He said that his wife was mad at him because the paparazzi won't leave her alone," the source said, adding Madoff got teary-eyed while making the admission.

You thought Ruth Madoff was just being stuck-up when she got snippy with the Post paps? This stuff really hurts her! Bernie can put up with his new job in the engraving shop and the "fish filet with macaroni and cheese" prison menus. But his poor wife's tears, because of photographers—this is the punishment that will torment his soul.

Also all his victims' despair and whatnot.
[NYP. Pic: Getty]

Also, I'm going to be promoting and demoting threads today like crazy. Giving gold stars, taking away gold stars (hey, more antisemitism accusations! Hee.). But you're not allowed to make meta jokes, because that's boring, and I'll demote for that. Other thing I'll demote for: sucking. Something I'll promote for: being awesome! And that's how the new comments system works.

One final thing: I'm on the lookout for good blog posts from other places. Remember blogs? They're still out there! You see something, say something.

Now, after all that food posting, aren't you hungry? Let me know how your Free Slurpee Crusades To End World Starvation are going. Also, $500 to anyone with photographic proof of Ruth Madoff getting a free Slurpee. I'm serious.

First, it should be noted that any New Yorker in their right mind wouldn't be caught in tourist trap CPK; sure, they have decent salads, if you want pear and Gorgonzola on your pizza, they have it, and if you work on Park in the 30s, it's a great place to go, I guess. That being said, the Page Six reports issues with Ruthie's dining experience:

Slinking into the East Side eatery with a young female friend, she ordered a salad and white wine, but quickly got flustered. "The waiter said she was upset because she had coupons and they expired before she could use them," a witness told us, adding that several diners told the waiters they shouldn't serve her. One bit of good news for Ruth, though — she'd just learned her Ponzi-schemer hubby, Bernie Madoff, will be locked away in upstate Otisville, the prison his lawyer had requested. "I'm so glad! It's just what we wanted," she gushed to her dining companion. On her way out, one female diner shouted "Goodnight, Ruth!" The frosty-blond Madoff ignored her, but her dining partner cringed.

Emphasis mine. Really, that's kind of sweet, that she was gushing about her hubby being close to her. Maybe she's eyeing it for an investment! Their stock just went up five percent, though I don't know how much the introduction of a Cheeseburger Pizza will help them. And honestly, CPK isn't the type of company that's above serving Ruth Madoff. Seriously.

That being said, we've done Ruth the favor of highlighting some promotions that she can more than take advantage of over the next few weeks as she adjusts to her new fiscal disposition. Lucky for her, it's Restaurant Week in New York, beginning tomorrow!

Look at all of these awesome Upper East Side eateries Ruth can take advantage of in her quest to shave a little scrilla here and there! Finally, in lieu of correcting that whole Pizza/Salad debacle, she can trek out to Williamsburg, where one of New York Times soon-to-retire food critic Frank Bruni's (and my!) new favorite pizza joints resides: Motorino has a great $10 prix-fixe lunch that comes with a personal pizza AND a salad. Also, Williamsburg hipsters will no doubt enjoy the ironic cache that comes with having Ruth Madoff in your neighborhood. A win-win situation for everyone!

PIZZA PREDICAMENT FOR RUTH MADOFF [Page Six]

The Post says Ruth's broker is considering this spacious-ish 481 square-foot 1BR in the Trafalgar House on East 90th St. Only $465K, cheap!

This one bedroom's Southeast exposure brings an abundance of light into the apartment. With its many closets and large kitchen, which includes a dishwasher, all that's needed is a little TLC to transform the apartment into a lovely living space. Building amenities include a large laundry room along with a storage and bike area.

Haha! It is a total dump*, be honest. Check it out:
*Still much nicer than my apartment.
The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.
The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.
The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.

Thousands voted! But Ruth did not win.

[Pic: AP]

New York Magazine explores this perplexing issue at length in a story this week. Theory #1: People hate her because she's a woman.

Ruth's problem seems to be a particularly female one. "It's the gender politics of the culture," says Gloria Steinem. "It's easier to blame the person with less power." And, she adds, why aren't people blaming her sons? "They would be much more likely to be in cahoots, because they were in the same professional field. And the answer is, they're men, that's why."

Theory #2: She's just a dumb lady.

According to a friend from high school, it would not have been difficult to keep Ruth in the dark. "I don't know if you fully understand the difference between you and us," says the woman in her late sixties. "When we were young, and the man came home for dinner, he was the king of the house and we catered to him … We were the type of people who, if your husband came home and said, ‘Sign this,' you wouldn't ask why. If he asked you to sign it, you would sign it."

Theory #3: Oh maybe it's this .

"He conferred with her on everything. The idea that she didn't know anything is laughable," says the longtime Madoff employee.

Such a complicated issue, the whims of the public opinion! Really, where are these alleged people who have mixed feelings about, or even feel sympathy for, Ruth Madoff? We must smoke out this rare creature. With a poll. Vote below, and the truth will be revealed. [NYM. Pic: AP]

I was in the Class of 1958, two years behind Bernie, but in the same class as his wife, Ruth. She was my friend, or so our yearbook strongly suggests, although my memory of our friendship no longer speaks to me. I remember her only as really cute, an object of desire across a classroom or another. But in the yearbook she wrote a long inscription. It seems I teased her. It seems I kidded her. She forgave me all that and ended by writing that I would "meet Bernie at the prom — and I guarantee he will say hello."

Gross. Oh, but hey, can you get even worse, somehow, Richard? Yes, you can. He feels much pity for "the very rich."

My friend Ted has his New York City teacher's pension, while the very rich, who put all their retirement funds with Bernie, have been utterly wiped out. I feel sorry for them. I identify with them. They were not, as is sometimes written, greedy. The stock market was a mystery. It seemed to defy logic. They let Bernie deal with it. I would have done the same.

And, hah, this is the last line: "It turned out I knew Ruth. It turned out she never knew Bernie."

You are a fucking idiot for writing that, Richard Cohen. And look, you still have a column at The Washington Post, and Dan Froomkin doesn't! What a country!

(Dear Time Traveling Terrorists: your target is Far Rockaway High School. Please blow it up after Richard Feynman graduates.)

That decision comes after an intensive, six-month probe in which investigators scoured financial records and interviewed scores of people.
In the end, the feds found "no criminal exposure" for Ruth, a source said.

The Post says that the government plans to charge up to 10 more people in the Madoff case, and that Bernie's sons have not been ruled out as criminals. But Ruth—dear, beleaguered Ruth—is off the hook. This gives her a chance to collect her $2.5 million settlement and then put our redemption plan into action. In 15 or 20 years, people won't even remember your face, Ruth! Just tough it out.

It could be much worse: Ezra Merkin, the financier who made millions steering investors into Madoff's funds, has been forced to sell his collection of Mark Rothko's to help pay back those same investors. Instead of staring at three parallel lines of varying colors, he will be distributing hundreds of millions of dollars to his ruined clients.

These people suffer as well. On the inside.
[NYDN, NYP. Pic: AP]

• Wise Money Management: Your settlement with the Justice Department left you with only $2.5 million to live on—a mighty blow for a 68 year-old woman with little earning power left. Have no fear! With a little skill, you should be able to survive your remaining days without going hungry. Even at a modest 4% rate of return, this principal invested wisely would earn you $100,000 per year. You'll find that a human being can survive on this modest stipend. You're being forced to sell your posh penthouse; that's actually good! Check out Craigslist for cheaper rentals. You can find a roommate there, too. Your hair salon doesn't want your business any more, which will help you save on grooming costs. Try Head & Shoulders. Above all, be sure to invest your money under a different name. Lest something "happen" to it.
• Resurrecting Your Reputation: You should just forget this one. There's no point stressing yourself about it. You'll be despised by a large portion of the public for years. But you can slowly develop enough distance from the fraud to, at least, allow yourself to walk the streets without immediate fear of maiming.
  You haven't started off on the right foot, though. Your post-sentencing statement about being "betrayed and confused" by Bernie's fraud: come on. Betrayed and confused by math, maybe! Didn't you work at his firm? Ha. This tactic will probably fail. Better to downplay the part about you not having any idea what was going on, and play up the meager restitution to the fraud's victims that you plan to make your life's work! You won't be able to make a speck of a dent in the total amount owed, of course. But by making it clear that you will pay back the token amount that you can, it will also make it easier for you to...
• Get a Job: A real job, lady. MTA conductor. Shoe salesperson. Wal-Mart greeter. Well, maybe not a job that necessitates direct contact with the public; could be dangerous. But a job, nonetheless, where you can be photographed—preferably dirty, and sweating—to show the world that you are paying some penance for this colossal crime. You only have to work a few days a week. Then you tithe a percentage of your earning into a fund for victims. A large percentage. 100%, for example! And really, what else do you have to do with your time? It's a winning idea all around. You could even sell paintings, like some serial killers do. Kitsch appeal and all that.
• Move: Don't just move out of your luxury apartment. Don't just move out Manhattan. Don't just move out of New York. Don't just move out of America. Move out of the Western world. Move somewhere like Botswana, or Nepal, or Suriname, where the Madoff scam is not likely to be a topic of discussion for a long period of time. For at least a decade. Get forgotten. Get a haircut. By the time you come back to America (isolated Western or Southern states only) your face won't be branded into the memories of millions of haters quite so distinctly. And then, finally, you can...
• Do Something Good: Habitat for Humanity. Look what it did for Jimmy Carter. Or feeding the homeless in a soup kitchen, while wearing a hairnet. Great photo-op. Do this for the remainder of your years. And do it well. And when you die, give the rest of your money to the victims of the fraud. And maybe, just maybe, your soul will have a chance.

A US district judge issued a final order for the forfeiture of $170,799,000,000 from Bernie, which divests him of basically everything but his ass. I'd make a joke about that being divested from him in prison, too - his sentencing that'll be sending him into medium-security lockup is on Monday - but, oh, what the hell: Bernie Madoff's ass will be divested from him in the hoosegow, or at the very least, commodified. His sentence is expected to be somewhere between 25 and 35 years of hard time, but Bernie's lawyer asked for a high single digit number due to Bernie's old age.

Meanwhile, Ruth - who will most definitely be affected tomorrow by the rise in price of a Metrocard (Agh!) in a few days - struck a bit of a deal. She's relinquishing $80M in assets for a measly $2.5 Million in cold, hard cash. She's apparently not going to be attending Bernie's sentencing, probably because eleven of Bernie's victims are going to be having a snap-tacular prose slam of their grievances against Madoff in court that day. She's been given the option to have a statement read without her in the house, however, and according to her lawyer, might elect to do so.

I know one thing I wouldn't do with $2.5 Million in cash - invest in Bernie Madoff, har! But really: it was recently reported that her kids have taken to calling her and Bernie by their names (as opposed to, you know, "Mom" and "Dad" or whatever you call Bernie Madoff if he's your dad - Scrooge McDuck?), so who knows if they're going to have doors open to her, or if they're going to have doors, period. Maybe Ruth can write a tell-all. Maybe she can get a TV show! I'd like that: The Ruth Madoff QVC Hour. Nice ring, right?

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.Also, says some thug who consults Wall Street-ers who go to lockup:

"There will be people who think that Bernie can give them stock tips, but I don't see anyone being his big pal," said Larry Levine, founder of Wall Street Prison Consultants who served 10 years for his ties to organized crime. "I believe he'll be treated like an outcast."

Look on the bright side, though. Most parents never find the time to repair broken relationships with their kids. Madoff's going to have plenty of it. An ideal blueprint for this kind of thing has thankfully already been provided:

Madoff reduced to nothing [CNN]
Madoff's Wife Cedes Asset Claim [WSJ]