• Because we don't see enough of her, Lindsay Lohan's reportedly shopping a reality show. Said a source, "Her manager is helping Lohan with a potential reality show that will encapsulate her trials and tribulations as she gets back on her feet and actually becomes a working actress again." [Mirror]
  
  
• Redmond O'Neal, son of Ryan O'Neal and Farrah Fawcett, wants to star in a reality show. That is, after he gets out of a detention center, where he's trying to kick his raging drug problem. [NYDN]
  
  
• Chris Brown's post-Rihanna beating rehabilitation will include a year of domestic violence counseling at Virginia's Commonwealth Catholic Charities. If anyone can set him straight, its the nuns. [AP]
  
  
• Michael Jackson's family intended on burying him over the weekend, but have now decided to do the deed on a Thursday. And that decision will triple their costs, bringing the grand total to something around $150,000. [TMZ]
  
  
• Some insane fans of Robert Pattinson, the hunky Twilight star, put his face on a shower curtain. Now they can say, "I shower with Robert Pattison" and almost be telling the truth. [3am]
  
  
• Anne Heche railed against the institution of marriage on The Late Show. She's crazy, but we like her. [YouTube]
  
  
• Her rep insists it's hog wash, but an "insider" insists that actress Minka Kelly and baseball playing man Derek Jeter are engaged. [Page Six]
  
  
• Avril Lavigne and her husband Deryck Whibley are headed down the road to divorce, say sources. She apparently wanted time alone, but spent her time hanging out with "male admirers." [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Deformed music producer Scott Storch was kicked out of his Miami home when a bank took it back last week. Now he's living in Fort Lauderdale's W hotel. [Page Six]
  
  
• Jason Mewes, the actor better known as Jay from Kevin Smith's movies, attended the Degrassi Goes to Hollywood premire and revealed that he wants to touch Seth Rogan. [Zack Taylor]
  
  
• Dumb model Paulina Porizkova doesn't want people to think she's a dumb model, so she took to the web to name some of her favorite literary works. And they're all over 500 pages! [Page Six]
  
  
• Paul McCartney, we know you're a legend and all, but do we really need to see you getting fresh with your girlfriend at a baseball game. Really? [Daily Mail]

• Kelly Bensimon got dissed by Gerard Butler after the two exchanged phone numbers in June "after a night of heavy flirting." He apparently never called her and avoided her when he ran into her again recently. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Adam Lambert's fans have taken idolatry to a new level at some of his live shows by tossing sex toys on stage while he was performing. [EOnline]
  
  
• Surprise, surprise — Joan Rivers isn't a fan of Jon Gosselin, whom she says should have worn a condom more often. [Page Six]
  
  
• Ashley Olsen says that she's surprised that she didn't "end up like Britney Spears." Oh, but there's still time darling, there's still plenty of time. Don't stop dreaming! [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Dustin Lance Black is suing the website that posted x-rated photos of him recently, asking for $3-million in damages. [Page Six]
  
  
• Griffin O'Neal says that his father Ryan O'Neal supplied him with cocaine when he was only 11 years old. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Here's what James Caan says about women in a recent interview: "They're fucking nuts." Remember, this is James Caan saying this ladies, umkay?! [Page Six]
  
  
• Elle Macpherson's shitty acting skills are the primary reason Mischa Barton still has a job after being institutionalized with a breakdown last month. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• So you know how some of Madonna's early 90s faxed love letters to a bouncer were recently made public? Well, it appears as though she may have plagiarized from poet Anne Sexton in one of them. [Page Six]
  
  
• A singer named Jill Sobule says that Katy Perry is a "fucking thieving little slut" because she feels that Perry ripped "I Kissed a Girl" from her. [Sun]
  
  
• Sienna Miller says that she understands why people might hate her after she started dating a married father of four. [Daily Mail]

• A new Vanity Fair article on Farrah Fawcett excerpted on their website details how Ryan O'Neal unwittingly hit on his daughter Tatum at Farrah funeral. It's just all kinds of creepy and downright gross. [Vanity Fair and New York Post]
  
  
• Sad old Billy Joel is supposedly distraught over losing his wife to some young European swordsman and is doing everything he can to get her back. [Page Six]
  
  
• Jude Law thought that the actress/model he recently knocked up was on the pill. Ha! What an idiot. Jude, you always wrap up and pull out, especially if you're Jude Freaking Law! Did the thought never enter your head that perhaps someone, especially an aspiring actress, might lie to you in order to have your child? [Mirror]
  
  
• You have to admire Shaquille O'Neal's diligence in booking challenges against other prominent athletes for his new reality show thing. Too bad David Beckham is such a wanker. [Page Six]
  
  
• Mischa Barton must be really heavily medicated these days because she's just smiling all over the place. [Sun]
  
  
• Are you sitting down? Are you sure? Are you really sitting down? Ass firmly planted in a seat, right? Ok, now here's something that will shock you—Jude Law sleeps with a lot of women. [Page Six]
  
  
• Here are a bunch of pics of Jessica Alba wearing a bikini in the wet surf. Go ahead, you know you want to. [Sun]
  
  
• Kate Moss' vegan boyfriend Jamie Hince flipped out over her wearing a rabbit fur coat or something. [Mirror]
  
  
• Liza Minnelli is not scheduled to appear on Ugly Betty. We repeat, Liza Minnelli is not scheduled to appear on Ugly Betty. [Page Six]

• Bradley Cooper, who cruelly and publicly stuck Jennifer Aniston in the friend zone recently, is probably boning Renee Zellweger right this minute because they were spotted eating together at an Upper East Side restaurant, where they were allegedly really into each other. Zellweger was overheard repeating the line "you're so funny" all night long. [Daily News]
  
  
• Kevin Jonas, the oldest of those little Jonas freaks, is engaged, so we guess he can shed that chastity ring and stop being a big, fat, stupid virgin soon. [Daily News]
  
  
• Diane Keaton was rushed to the hospital after—Are you ready for this?—injuring herself in a sumo wrestling match! [Sun]
  
  
• Hayden Panetierre is appearing totally nude in the movie I Love You Beth Cooper. She says that she's got the goods so she might as well she them off. We agree! [Daily News]
  
  
• David and Victoria Beckham have now been married for a decade. The Daily Mirror has compiled a list of the Beckham's tips for making a celebrity marriage work. [Mirror]
  
  
• Tinsley Mortimer has fully dumped Topper and has moved on to boning some German aristocrat dude who works for Uma Thurman's boyfriend named Casimir Wittgenstein-Sayn. Yawn. [Page Six]
  
  
• Mischa Barton was kicked out of "the toilets" at a London club after she tried to sneak a girlfriend into a stall with her. A spy notes that Mischa looks as though she was having a "really good time." [Daily Mail]
  
  
• In case you haven't already heard, Michael Jackson's will was examined by a court yesterday and he named Diana Ross as the "legal guardian" of his children. His ex-wife, Debbie Rowe, got nothing. [Mirror]
  
  
• A friend of Farrah Fawcett read a farewell letter written by Farrah to her son Redmond and her longtime love Ryan O'Neal that allegedly had everyone bawling. [Daily Mail]

Presenting your Saturday morning gossip roundup.

• Farrah Fawcett's son with Ryan O'Neal, Redmond O'Neal, will be able to attend his mother's funeral. He's been serving time since April 5th for a violation of his previous probation by possessing heroin. He'll be allowed to be in a suit, but will have to remain in hand and leg cuffs. He was in prison when he found out about his mother's death; they had previously let him out to visit her on May 15th. Can we have a collective "Really?" please?
  
  
• Walter Cronkite is sick, and he's not recuperating, says his family. I somehow don't think they're trying to work their way into the news cycle on this one. [E!]
  
  
• Universal execs definitely cut the La Toya Jackson scene from Bruno at screenings that have popped up since Michael Jackson's death. The scene is Bruno, trying to steal Michael Jackson's phone number from La Toya's BlackBerry. I'm sure it was actually pretty funny at one point, and I'm sure Universal execs are just counting down the days until it's funny, again. [Page Six]
  
  
• Kendra Wilkinson, former playmate/Hugh Hefner chew toy, is nervous about her wedding. A joke about "a joke about the difficulty in having to read one's own vows" would go here if I could think of anything else, but I can't, so: we hear the tender nerves she's sporting comes from an apprehension about reading her own vows. Better? [People]
  
  
• Johnny Depp still doesn't watch his own movies. "Once my job is done on the film, it's really none of my business." Letterman's audience yuks it up, but Depp is being totally sincere. It's kind of Twilight Zone-ish. I got this clip from HuffPo, but I'd rather just link you to the YouTube page, m'kay? [YouTube]
  
  
• The Real Housewives Of New Jersey are coming back for a second season after supposedly holding up the renewal over their paychecks. I don't know if this is what you'd call "burying the lede" or not, but either way, whether its in this toxic wasteland of a gossip roundup or the toxic wasteland across the Hudson, something, somewhere has certainly been buried. Possibly the body of a guy named Little Ricky Sluttyfingers. Or possibly our dignity as a species. [NYDN]
  
  
• Speaking of your favorite Bravolebrities and people who are making America scarier now that we no longer have Dick Cheney in power to do that for us, the Millionaire Matchmaker, Patty "Please Be A" Stanger can't pay her publicist bills. Her new publicist was like, yeah, no, it's not a problem, but I know that whenever I didn't pay the bills on my Columbia House account, I just went straight to BMG, which, I think, is what she did, except she didn't get 18 free CDs plus one for a penny and I did. Related: one of the songs off of one of those CDs was this one. Moneygrubbers everywhere, of all genders, are sad. [Page Six]
  
  
• Faith Hill and Tim McGraw went to go see the Titanic exhibit and waited in line with their kids like everyone else. They didn't want to take photos, but they were very nice to people. And somehow, this is news. Meanwhile, flower-bearing British children everywhere still live in fear of being blasted by the smoldering disdain of Amerikkan celebrities. [Page Six]
  
  
• And even more Bravo bullshit! When will it end? (Answer: never.) Kelly Bensimon took OK on a tour of her closet, which has lots of pictures of herself in it. She also gave them this prime quote about her jewelry line, which, really, is easily the stupidest appropriation of Native American culture I've ever read, anywhere: "I took Pocahontas out of the kayak because she was bored, and I put her in the disco so she could have a little fun." A single tear just fell down my face. [NYDN]
  
  
• Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Anniston are just friends, you goddamn frogs, says Bradley Cooper, says Bradley Cooper at a French press conference. No, he doesn't actually say that, but he did say "we're just friends" in French, which is neat. Celebrities: they can make you feel insecure about speaking more languages than you, too! [People]
  
  
• Hayden Panettiere won't rule out doing nudity on film, and I won't rule out ever seeing anything she's ever been in, yet. Eh? No, I know: I kind of already have. [E!]
  
  
• You wanna talk about burying the lede? Here we go: Coolio pleaded guilty to coke possession. Also, I just got enraged over the spell-checker on this computer questioning the word "Coolio." YES IT IS SPELLED CORRECTLY IDIOT COMPUTER. Anyway, he'll be taking a fantastic voyage through an 18-month drug rehabilitation program, after which he can finally roll with his homies, again. [Reuters]

• Farrah Fawcett, rumored again to be on her deathbed, and Ryan O'Neal are finally getting married after all those long, tumultuous years together as a Hollywood couple. And surely this will be filmed and turned into a primetime television special. [Sun]
  
  
• Fox News anchor Kimberly Guilfoyle, the ex-wife of San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsome, and furniture designer Eric Villency are ending their brief marriage. [Page Six]
  
  
• Horrible lad-mag FHM has named Megan Fox the sexiest woman to ever live in the history of the universe, or something like that. [Sun]
  
  
• It's rumored that Paul Giamatti may replace Sean Penn in the upcoming Three Stooges flick after Penn decided to take an extended period of time off to spend time with his family. [EOnline]
  
  
• Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon go to the gym together wearing matching outfits from head to toe. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Matthew McConaughey has announced that he has knocked up girlfriend Camila Alves with their second child. Further, he did so shirtless while running on the beach with a bandana on his head. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Have you seen how Drew Barrymore and Justin Long dress up to attend baseball games? Good God this is obnoxious! [DListed]
  
  
• Paris Hilton has taken her act to Dubai and has discovered the joys of riding camels. She's there to try on some clothes or attend a nightclub opening or something important like that. [PITNB]
  
  
• When Justin Timberlake flies to Paris, he does so with a large bodyguard carrying an automatic weapon to scare off any potential autograph seekers. [TMZ]
  
  
• Miley Cyrus took a "provocative" picture with her 44 year-old director and posted it to her Twitter. [Sun]

• So back whenever Jennifer Aniston was still a peasant she was working as a waitress and she broke up with some guy she was dating and he was totally heartbroken so he brought his mom to the restaurant and got down on one knee and begged her to take him back and Jennifer told him to go eat a bag of dicks. [US Weekly]
  
  
• Magical twatwaffle Criss Angel allegedly stole some guy's cat in Vegas and now the law is getting involved. [Page Six]
  
  
• US Weekly's "body language expert" says that Kate Gosselin is probably boning her bodyguard, something like eighteen times a day. It's just crazy! [US Weekly]
  
  
• Why the hell would an accused south Florida madam allow herself to be seen hanging around with the likes of Paris Hilton and Mickey Rourke? Beats me! [The Juice]
  
  
• Ryan O'Neal says he wishes Farrah will just go to sleep and not wake up. [Daily News]
  
  
• The crazy lady who allegedly set John Ratzenberger's car on fire speaks! [Radar]
  
  
• Bruce Jenner's new face looks exactly like his old face...fucking creepy! [Dlisted]
  
  
• Oh wait, maybe Lindsay Lohan's house was broken into after all! [E Online]
  
  
• Gerard Butler faces six months in jail for beating up a paparazzi guy. [Dlisted]
  
  

• Meghan McCain got into a spat with security at the White House Correspondents' Dinner because they wouldn't let her friend in without a ticket. And oh, she didn't really care for Wanda Sykes or the temperature in the room or the golden stable where they forced her to keep her pony during the event. (Daily News)
  
  
• Luke Russert was hired by NBC to blog and Twitter and be a "youth correspondent" and whatever and now he's just acting like a bratty 23 year-old who has no business having the job he has. Go figure! (Page Six)
  
  
• After 15 years, Jimmy Fallon finally has a college diploma. (Perez)
  
  
• Lily Allen's potty mouth has led to her being banned by the BBC. (UK Mirror)
  
  
• A woman has filed a restraining order to prevent Ryan O'Neal from begging her for phone sex while his wife, Farrah Fawcett, is dying. (Sun)
  
  
• Joan Rivers is unwavering in her belief that Annie Duke is a Nazi. (E Online)
  
  
• Alexandra von Furstenberg has been dating a much younger guy named...wait for it...Dax! (Page Six)

It doesn't (yet) look like O'Neal was actually trying to pass any drugs to prisoners, but he was foolish enough to have them in his trunk while parking at a jail, and to then admit to the cops that he had them. Sigh.

You'd think O'Neal would have learned to dodge the cops given what he and his family have been through over the past year or so. A recap:

September: Redmond, son of the actress Farrah Fawcett, was busted for meth possession, along with his father Ryan. Ryan had the meth in his bedroom while Redmond had it on his person. Redmond had a history of heroin problems.

June: Tatum O'Neal, daughter of Ryan and half-sister to Redmond, was busted for trying to buy coke on the street near her Lower East Side apartment. Like Redmond, Tatum also had a history of drug problems, but was in recovery and had reportedly been clean for two years.

June: Redmond pleads guilty to carrying heroin and crystal meth and to driving under the influence in a January incident. He gets three years probation.

February '07: Believing Redmond had overdosed and might awaken only to seek more drugs, his brother Griffin chained him to a staircase at home, TMZ reported. Father Ryan came home and became enraged at Griffin, resulting in a fireplace-poker-swinging confrontation that ended with gunfire. Wow.

The actor told authorities that Griffin, 43, picked up a fireplace poker and started swinging it. Griffin grazed him four or five times and "aimed at my head, I ducked, he hit his own girlfriend in the head," Ryan O'Neal said at the time.

The actor said he fired a warning shot intended to scare his son.

Perhaps for them, (familial) love means never having to say you're sober.

Could it be that she missed the orgies? When she spoke to Dateline four years ago, she described her junkie lifestyle as "glamorous":

We checked into the Plaza Athenee with Marlon Brando and Maria Schneider...One night we all smoked opium and hash. I sank into bed, dizzy from the drugs. When I raised my head, a very confusing scene was taking place...Melanie [Griffith], Maria...and a hairdresser were tangled up together. As an added sordid touch, one of the women was apparently menstruating — something I was to young to have experienced myself — and there was a lot of blood.

Along with bloody orgies, it seems part of the "glamour" nose candy can add to your life includes vomiting and shrinking down to a toothpick!

When I got a bit chubby, by Hollywood and Farrah [Fawcett]-comparison standards....I learned that cocaine was good for weight loss...between doing coke and throwing up, the pounds started started melting off me effortlessly. I found that coke made me feel so much better.

Yup, after reading a few of these excerpts, we do have some sympathy for O'Neal and her need to return to the late-night bender excursions in the bright light of summer evening. We can only hope for her sake it isn't that time of the month while she's tapping her anxious foot on that jail cell floor — misty, menstrual blood-colored memories may make that itch even worse.

• SOURCES: TATUM O'NEAL BUSTED FOR COKE & CRACK [NY Post]
• A PAPER LIFE [Google Books]
• TATUM O'NEAL SHARES SURVIVAL STORY [MSNBC]

In today's episode, chock full of Oscar nominees and winner: Leonardo DiCaprio; Nicole Kidman; Ryan O'Neal and Farrah Fawcett; David Faustino; Peter Falk; Dustin Hoffman; Drew Barrymore; John Krasinski and Rashida Jones; David Caruso; Wanda Sykes and Tim Bagley; Jimmy Fallon; Stockard Channing; Frankie Muniz; Lance Bass; Jenna Jameson and Tito Ortiz; Kathy, Rick and Conrad Hughes Hilton.

· Like an angel sent from heaven to console me over the loss of Anna Nicole, none other than Mr. Double Nominee himself, Leonardo DiCaprio, appeared in the gray, dreary halls of NBC today. Think he must be pitching his green town reality show idea. My coworker first spotted him WAITING in the suite of the alternative department. (How can the person who put on "1 vs. 100" keep LEO waiting??) The front lobby guard is calling us when he leaves so we can watch him walk out of the building. I suspect he came in the blue Prius in guest parking.

· Was exiting the Santa Monica Laemmle and noticed a gaunt blonde with a nondescript nerd in front of me as we crossed the street to the parking structure. Waiting at the elevator, it wasn't until some Day of the Locust dude walks up and asks said Gaunt One: "Hey aren't you Nicole Kidman." She laughs and says 'Yes' as Nerdboy takes her by the elbow, eschewing the elevator ride with Son of Sam and myself. P.S., Nicole and her Dude and I had taken in Peter O'Toole's "Venus."

· Saw Ryan O'Neal and Farrah Fawcett at Mastro's Steak House on Friday night (yes the night of his arrest) I was seated with my brother down stairs, the section devoted to Siberian Carnival Freaks when Farrah and Oliver Barret emerged from a back room, they literally did a conga line through the restaurant to the bathroom upstairs. Farrah looked her age while Ryan looked about 49 due to all the Teflon he has on his grill. We had the Dynamite Cab, I would not recommend it.

Saturday saw David Faustino at the Bar at the Sunset Marquis he was with a gorilla in a large leather jacket, he kept circling the tiny bar and continually whispered in the ear of Magilla Gorilla. Don't know what they were talking about. I had Ketal One on the rocks, I would recommend it.

Sunday, beautiful day, I was driving around in Beverly Hills trying to kill some time before my flight when who did I spot out for his morning constitution but Peter Falk. For someone who was exercising he was dressed pretty funny, slacks and a weird pink shirt. Since I've always been a big fan of his I yelled "Hey Columbo" for some reason he didn't respond. I had a large bottle of Poland Spring, Again I would recommend it.

· 2/7 around 11:30 am - Dustin Hoffman in front of Club Monaco [ed. note: No mention of which, but we're going with Sunset Plaza] yapping away on his cell phone.

· Wednesday, Feb 7th 1:00pm - Saw Drew "Stroke free" Barrymore at the Hollywood Whole Foods Market. Looked like she was grabbing some lunch. She was rockin' a serious 80's retro mod look with her little black mini-shift dress and the white Ray Ban Wayfarer sunglasses. She looked adorable. Wanted to give her much respect for indulging a nerd's dream/obsession in "My Date With Drew" but alas, I restrained myself. She has GOT to be the nicest person in Hollywood because I cannot imagine any other actor/actress giving that guy the time of day. Good Karma Drew!!!!!

· Dining at Joan's on Third Super Bowl Sunday around 2, outside my friend and I were seated a table over from Jim [John Krasinski] & his on-screen love interest (the dark haired girl from Stamford) [Rashida Jones] from NBC's THE OFFICE. No big deal at first, but they left prancing across the street to a way hip hybrid Lexus SUV and started a quick little makey outtie for at least a long minute. So much for the fiction of it all.

· Delayed celebrity sighting - Wednesday of last week (1/31) I think - David Caruso walking out of a trendy art store across the street from the Pacific Design Center. He was followed by a man carrying Caruso's latest purchase, a Warhol print of Mao Tse-Tung. I am not sure how the rather large print was going to fit in his rather small car, and did not stick around to find out.

· Yesterday I was at Marix in the afternoon and I saw tim bagley and wanda sykes eating together inside. They were having margs, as one should always do on Taco Tuesday, and were there for quite some time before I got there (empty glasses), and left at the same timeish as we did (which was after a couple of hours). They took a pic with a little girl who looked like she was from out of town with her family.

· Tuesday 2/6, Formosa Cafe. Jimmy Fallon was milling around in a large party. He's really surprising in person because a) he's not a midget—he's tall for an actor—and b) he's sort of cute. My friend and I were arguing about whether one of us should go up and punch him in the face for laughing through every sketch he's ever been in...and then we wondered how many times that has happened to him because of Family Guy.

· Wednesday, 2/7 10AM - Saw "Rizzo" herself, Stockard Channing, on Main St in Santa Monica talking on her cell. Wearing all black and looking like she could use a vacation (*ahem* very tired). She finished her call and went into GroundWorks and waited in line behind me.

· Sightings at the West Hollywood Equinox are a dime a dozen, so I won't bore you with a rundown. However, last week I was going through my usual routine when I looked over at the next machine and thought "what's my 12 year old neighbor doing here unaccompanied by an adult?" When he turned around, I noticed the back of his sleeveless tee was emblazoned "Muniz." The kid is small, not in the usual smaller than I expected way (Cruise?), but seriously little. I don't think the Mohawk is helping to butch up the look at all either. If I were Frankie, I'd give Danny Bonaduce a call to get hooked up with 'roids and human growth hormone.

· 2/8/207 I was lunching today at Luna Park on La Brea. Lance Bass was there with two friends, a cute young man and an older sister looking type. They were very polite and kept to themselves. He looked good, very casual. Looks better in person than he does pictures, for sure.

· Friday 2/2 Tito Ortiz and Jenna Jameson doing some serious shopping(3 baskets were already full) at Sephora in South Coast Plaza. He is tall, nice and has a gorgeous smile. She on the other hand looked a mess, no makeup, stringy hair, leathery tan skin and scowled the whole time. She scowled even more and wandered away when we asked Tito for a picture(in our defense it was South Coast Plaza and we probably only got this sighting because he's an OC kid).

· On the 9:30 America West flight from Las Vegas to LAX on 2/5 I had the unfortunate opportunity to sit behind the youngest Hilton son. As Diane Court said, I have glimpsed our future, and all I can say is... go back. There is simply nothing worse than sitting behind a rich, pathetic 12 year old [Conrad Hughes Hilton]. While his parents Kathy and Rick were sitting in first class, young Mr. Hilton was sitting in the bulkhead seating, using his multiple electronic devices during take-off and landing (take that FAA regulations!) and at one point, lifted his legs and announced he was going to fart...sadly, he did. That though doesn't top when he announced that his friend, who was sitting next to him, was masturbating as soon as the lights turned off. Some how, he persuaded the flight attendant to give him pretzels which he graciously threw on the floor because, hey, he doesn't have to clean it up. His feet smelled as did he. I've never been so happy to see a flight come to an end. He was happy, because he got to take his brand new Playstation 3, and exit a plane full of commoners.

We're told Griffin had chained his brother to the banister earlier in the evening, after walking in on him and finding that he was unresponsive. We're told Griffin believed his brother had overdosed and tethered him to prevent him from leaving and buying drugs. [...]

We're told when Ryan arrived home at 11, he tripped over the chain tied to Redmond and became enraged as Griffin laughed it off.

Law enforcement sources tell TMZ, they believe it was Ryan — not Griffin — who initially began swinging the fireplace poker. And these sources believe it was Ryan who struck Griffin's girlfriend before Griffin wrestled the poker away from his dad. [...]

We're told Ryan screamed "Get the f**k out of my house you asshole." Griffin and his girlfriend walked out, and we're told, for some reason, came back. It was then that Ryan fired a shot.

We had faith that some time was all that was needed to get to the bottom of this interfamilial misunderstanding, and now that we realize it was merely a case of "father returns to find allegedly OD'd son leashed like dog to banister, becomes enraged at his imprisoning sibling tormentor, swings fireplace poker until ensuing skirmish results in punching pregnant girl in face, then rushes upstairs to retrieve weapon that he will eventually fire at same banister to whom other son was shackled to just moments before," we're feeling more hopeful than ever that all the O'Neal men need to recover from this regrettable chapter is just a boys' weekend away—preferably at a firearm-free dude ranch or spa.

• Ryan's Son Tethered Like a Dog [TMZ]

O'Neal said Griffin, who was visiting, picked up a fireplace poker and started swinging it. Griffin grazed him four or five times and "aimed at my head, I ducked, he hit his own girlfriend in the head," O'Neal said.

"She's seven months pregnant," he said. "I got a little nervous at that point and fled to my room ... and I got my gun."

His son "started to come up the stairs again with the poker in his hand. So I just fired it into the banister, and that scared him and he fled," said O'Neal, describing his actions as self-defense.

While this wouldn't be the first time the two hot-tempered relatives butted heads (the LAT reminds us of the time in 1983 when O'Neal knocked out two of his son's teeth), hopefully the events of this past weekend will be the wake-up call that finally forces father and son put their differences behind them. It's serious business now, but in time, this incident could turn into a humorous family legend, with Griffin, running his child's tiny index finger along the perforated handrail, explaining, "This is where the bullet went when grandpa tried to kill daddy, and you were still inside mommie's tummy!"

• Actor Ryan O'Neal is arrested in assault case [LAT]