We're sorry that this country is so full of homophobic prudes that kissing a guy on stage and simulating oral sex will elicit more than 1,500 complaints and get you kicked off of GMA.

Lambert was scheduled to appear on the show tomorrow—a critical gig, since his album, For Your Entertainment, just came out—but that has been canceled. "Given his controversial American Music Awards performance, we were concerned about airing a similar concert so early in the morning," a spokesperson for the show told the NY Times Arts Beat blog.

This is all the gays fault. We did what we always do and we overestimate just how much we are accepted by society. It may seem like apples and oranges (or butches and femmes) but Adam Lambert is just like what happened in California with Prop 8. We thought there was no way that the good people of California could hate gays so much they would vote down gay marriage. Well, we were very wrong.

The same thing happened here. All of the gays were telling Adam, "Keep it real. Get all faggy. You owe it to us, and they'll love you for it." He responded with a performance that was so gay that he shot rainbows out of his eyes and turned Whitney Houston in a unicorn that he rode across the stage and threw Ryan Seacrest on the back of it and they made out for 17 minutes straight. Oops, too gay. Now we've ruined it for Adam and he's going to end up playing piano in a gay bar and dying bitter and alone just like Jobriath.

The worst part about this whole thing is that we have now negated all the progress Lambert made by being an openly gay pop star in the first place. Now when the next very talented flamboyant rocker comes along all his managers and agents (most of them gay) will say, "Oh, you have to stay in the closet. Look what happened when Adam Lambert sashayed on stage at the AMAs. America will hate you."

That said, this isn't the worst thing that could happen to Lambert. He's getting plenty of attention just as his album is coming out—negative or not. The people who were offended by his dry humping were never going to buy the album anyway, and this flap might just give him enough street cred to get some people clicking the download button iTunes. We hate to make the same mistake twice, but maybe getting all nelly was the right move.

Apparently Lambert has been offered a replacement gig on CBS' The Early Show (caution, Perez Hilton link ahoy). Adam if that doesn't work out, you are welcome to perform here at Gawker HQ, and we'll let you get as queer as you wanna be. You can even put pink pancakes on Nick Denton's head. The only thing gayer than that is—well, your performance at the AMAs.

[Images via Getty]

• This has sexy potential. Robert Pattinson describes the glorious moment he first came face-to-face with the man of his dreams, Zac Efron: "He was a really cool guy. That was one of the first times I'd ever been star-struck, but just because his face is so specific, it's kind of surreal." Since I was only able to locate one picture of them together in the history of wire images [fig.1, below], I'm pretty sure they didn't actually bang, but, sigh, let's pretend. [ShowBizSpy]
• 
  
• Former The City star Erin Lucas has a lesbian kiss with Israeli model Adi Neumann in some movie they're in together. [fig.2] "I popped my cherry on camera. How appropriate," said the gay-for-screen-time Lucas. [P6]
• 
  
• Mike Tyson was detained at LAX last night for assaulting a paparazzo. Tyson punched the guy in the face so hard the photog had to be hospitalized. Both parties claimed it was the other one's fault, so the LAPD arrested both. No word the status of either of their ears. [LAT]
• 
  
• Carrie Prejean's ex-boyfriend—the one she sent that masturbatory video to—told TMZ that the former Miss California asked him to lie about the video and say she was an underage seventeen-year-old in it, when actually, she was twenty. And, hey, did he mention he has some other pictures of Carrie that he would like to sell to you, now? Because he does. In one of them, she's kind of showing her butt. [TMZ]
• 
  
• "I feel like I'm in a dream," said awestruck country music nymph Taylor Swift after she became the Country Music Association's youngest-ever Entertainer of the Year. Taylor won all four categories she was nominated in. And her new boyfriend's really cute. Some girls get all the breaks. [LAT]
• 
  
• Lil' Kim skipped a court date and blamed it on a nosebleed. I can't decide if this story is about lying or about cocaine. [TMZ]
• 
  
• Simon Cowell is the highest-earning man on American television, taking home a cool $75 million last year. In second place was Donald Trump ($50 million), who must feel like such a chump sandwiched between Cowell and Ryan Seacrest ($38 million) in the earnings list. [ShowBizSpy]
• 
  
  Figure 1
  

  Figure 2
  

Justin Timberlake's stalker—surprisingly, not Brittney Spears—one Ms. Karen McNeil, was busted on Timberlake's property last week. When asked to leave, she wouldn't. So Timberlake danced out a restraining order on this psycho, who'd also tried to follow Axl Rose. Which is sad for Justin Timberlake's publicist. So is the fact that, instead of just loving Justin, she's apparently being possessed by witches. Witches? Witches!

In the nonsensical ramblings, Karen states that she has been targeted by "Babylon witches" who seek to cast their "evil" on her.

Babylon witches? WTF? Has Robert Moses State Park really gotten that bad?

But Timberlake isn't the only one. Ryan Seacrest has a creepy leprechaun who thinks he's been made in Seacrest's image, or something. No, but seriously, this guy's scary, and he has a knife, and now Seacrest has a restraining order against him:

Lawyers for Seacrest got the order from a Los Angeles judge on Friday after Chidi Benjamin Uzomah Jr. was detained at the E! Entertainment Television headquarters the same day. Records show the 25-year-old man is already on probation for a previous incident involving Seacrest. Last month, Uzomah pleaded guilty to three misdemeanours, including carrying a switchblade knife as well as assault and battery. That was after he attacked one of Seacrest's bodyguards outside an event.

Who else? Miley Cyrus has had a ghoulish, pervy, 53 year-old stalker. Who just went free today. This was the guy who thought he was getting secret messages from Miley through the television a la Videodrome. Whereas we all hear "this music sucks, listen to something else," this creep hears, well, someone telling him to do creepy things. Which makes him crazy.

So what's there to understand about these people? Why do they think famous people give a shit about them, you know, besides the fact that they're mentally ill? What causes it? If the Stalker button on the top of this page is blatantly evident voyeurism, among other things, what goes beyond it? I'm sure it's still being studied, somewhere. In the mean time, Bret Easton Ellis plans on showing us the answer. Who else? Ellis is adapting a book for TV about Young Hollywood as seen through the eyes of a stalker. Wonder if he did his research on subjects close to him. Then again, considering his definition of "scary," he might be trying to teach us something. The stalked are scarier than the stalker, maybe?

Nah. Despite the fact that Hollywood's full of scary people, the people they spawn and inspire are even scarier.

Celebrities: they're nothing like us.

[Photo via Bauer-Griffin]

And right now there is a bit of panic afoot in showbiz, that with a mere 138 days until showtime, the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences still hasn't decided on a helmer for the trophy trot. Nikki Finke reported last week, that last year's host and producer, Hugh Jackman and Bill Condon, are planning not to return to the Kodak stage. The pair's up-market, olde-timey glamour version of the show, gave Oscar its first ratings uptick in seemingly forever; a dramatic break in its long slide into irrelevance. ("What an honor for the Aussie actor" grandma Nikki writes of the of the Academy's desire to bring Jackman back to the show.)

UPDATE: Since the writing of this item, the producers have been named...and they are...Hairspray director Adam Shankman and former Fox CEO Bill Mechanic.)

Every year, Hollywood debates the question of how to update an event that is inherently the stodgiest thing thing on Earth. For starters, the thing that Oscar was conceived to honor — big glitzy prestige films — don't exist anymore, so the show will from now until forever be torn between giving their statues to little independent films that no one saw (and hence, that no one wants to see an awards show celebrating) or trying to find ways to squeeze nods to Dark Knight into a show that will never actually honor such popular films.

And for that matter, what with the media attention span being half a second long these days, if you are talking about movies that came out last year, you might as well be giving a lesson in like, the Cold War or Vietnam or something.

Not to mention — three hours of people in tuxedoes getting trophies and making speeches?!? In the epoch of cat videos!? Is this some kinda of Twilight Zone episode? Is America being punk'd by Oscar?

So what the heck do you do with a still huge but dwindling monstrosity like Oscar? Basically you can embrace the future or deny it, and either route has its merits. Here's our suggestions for the roads Oscar could take:

EMBRACE THE KIWANIS WITHIN
Oscar is never, ever going to win over these kids today, so go with your strength. Lead with the stodgy; you'll play well to your base and once every decade and a half, catch a retro wave. These days the Hollywood establishment is the aging Baby Boom generation, who are bound to actually become cool one of these days.
Host: Billy Crystal
Producer: Jeffrey Katzenberg
Ideal Best Picture Winner: Braveheart
Opening Number: A Rockettes lead a musical tribute to the films of screenwriter Ron Bass, high-stepping to the greatest moments from Rain Man, Snow Falling on Cedars and Dangerous Minds.
Clips Reel: A complete recap of The Today Show reporting the weekend grosses every Monday morning of the past year.
Log Line: This IS your grandfather's Oscars.

DRINK THE GLOBES UNDER THE TABLE
The reason why the Golden Globes have held their own against the declining Oscars is liquor. The dinner setting of the Globes show has traditionally meant well-lubricated winners making some of the more free-wheeling, demented speeches of awards season. Well, two can play at that game. Mandatory tequilla shots and forced picks from the mystery wheel of amphetamines for all attendees.
Host: Jack Nicholson
Producer: Ben Silverman
Ideal Best Picture Winner: Couples Retreat
Opening Number: Stars careen to their seats on a giant Slip 'n Slide placed down the aisle.
Clips Reel: The best moments of buddy comedies, guys who love to laugh with each other.
Log Line: Come and Get It!

POST-MODERN OSCAR
Pander completely to Hoodie Nation with an all self-referential celebration of quirk.
Host: Michael Cera
Producer: Spike Jonze
Ideal Best Picture Winner: (500) Days of Summer
Opening Number: Michael Cera sits on the floor of the Kodak stage listening to the mix tape he has made for an impossibly cool girl featuring acoustic remixes of John Hughes soundtrack songs. As we watch, the audience travels inside a giant movie screen and from the perspective of the Oscar nominated films, we watch Cera go to the movies with the impossibly cool girl, but never get to first base.
Clips Reel: Great Moments in Mentioning Bands During Movies.
Log Line: Oscars? What?

LOGANS RUN
The tweens have taken over entertainment; how long does Oscar think it can hold out anyway? Show Oscar's commitment to staying relevant by terminating the careers of any actor over 35 on live TV.
Host: Vanessa Hudgins
Producer: The Kardashians
Ideal Best Picture Winner: New Moon
Opening Number: 50's style sockhop dance number as George Clooney, Angelina Jolie and all the old people in the audience are loaded onto the original Sputnik rocket and blasted into outer space.
Clips Reel: The progression of Taylor Lautner's abs, from flaccid to six pack.
Log Line: This is on, bitch.

GANGSTA OSCAH
When you get down to it, the Academy is the original original gangsta.
Host: 50 Cent
Producer: P Diddy
Ideal Best Picture Winner: Final Destination 3D
Opening Number: The Kodak Theater is transformed with gold plated chandeliers and stripper pole while a car chase screeches through the lobby, ending in a cataclysmic explosion on stage.
Clips Reel: The history of on-screen bling.
Log Line: Don't Forget Who Brung You.

THE REALITY ACADEMY
Turn the show into a real time competition with bug eating contests, relay races and back stage confessionals.
Host: Ryan Seacrest
Producer: Nigel Lythgoe
Ideal Best Picture Winner: Step Up 2: The Streets
Opening Number: Nominees forced to perform a Polish mazurka, with one catch; one mis-step and the plummet into a tub of a million centipedes — and lose their shot at taking home Oscar.
Clips Reel: Night vision cameras placed in the hotel rooms of the stars while on set reveal secret celebrity hook ups — and a few drunken nights with a key grip or two.
Log Line: Oscar Wild!

THE TMZ OSCARS
Why fight it anymore? Throw down the barricades; let the paparazzi hordes loot and sack the kingdom, enjoy the rush of attention that the train wreck will bring. And whomever is still alive after showbiz has been reduced to smoldering ruins — let them figure out what to do next.
Host: Perez Hilton
Producer: Harvey Levin
Ideal Best Picture Winner: One Night in Paris
Opening Number: Celebrities are vivisected before the audience's eyes, the last remnants of their souls are ripped out and and then eaten, buffet style by the nation as a whole.
Clips Reel: A million Tweets are simultaneously projected directly into viewers' frontal lobes.
Log Line: We're Here.

• Pamela Anderson bought a new house last year and wanted to give it some necessary renovations, like gold tiles. Sadly, she doesn't even have enough money to make the house inhabitable and has been forced to live in a one-bedroom trailer with her two sons. [Metro]
  
  
• None of the cast from Real Housewives of New York like Bethenny Frankel, which is fine, because she doesn't like them and Bravo needs to make sure she can stand alone for her own show. [NYDN]
  
  
• There's tons and tons of security on the India set for Julia Roberts' new movie because people love her. Well, not all people: some are pissed off the shooting has taken over a local temple. Don't they know that Hollywood is God? [MSNBC]
  
  
• CNN bigwigs are wondering what to do if Larry King retires when his contract expires in 18 months. Some want Ryan Seacrest, for some reason, but he's too damn expensive. [Page Six]
  
  
• Has Jude Law banned the media from asking him about his new bastard child? [Page Six]
  
  
• Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom, who have been together for a month, are now officially married. Bleck. And it's the gays who threaten the institution of marriage? [TMZ]
  
  
• A jewelry company offered Vivica A. Fox a $50,000 necklace, but Fox refused by saying she'll buy it with her next pay check. That woman always had one foot out of reality.... [Page Six]
  
  
• Kate Moss wants to be a rock star. [The Sun]
  
  
• The band The Get Up Kids, who were huge in the 90s, have taken credit for emo music and offered an apology for spawning a wave of endless shit, like Fall Out Boy. Hey, that's an admission of guilt — can we sue for all the emotional distress? [Guardian]
  
  
• Jeremy London, an actor who once seemed like a big, big star, but was really just a frivolous 90s celebrity, owes American Express $20,000. [TMZ]

• Megan Fox says she has supernatural sexual powers. I say it comes from her freaky thumbs. Those freaky, beautiful thumbs. They resemble the thumbs of other superpowered individuals. But she's using her powers for the best of bests: doing it. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• John Travolta's going to testify in the extortion case regarding the paramedics who tried to roll Travolta during his son's death. [TMZ]
  
  
• Oh, man. How does it feel to be Deryck Whibley, the Sum 41 lead singer now getting divorced from and by Avril Lavigne, after she spent the summer partying on a yacht with greaseball oil heir Brandon Davis? Well, probably shitty. They've been together since she was 17, got married when they were 21, and now at 24, Lavigne's saying L8R to the original SK8R BOI. Which is the kind of thing he should be reassured by, though: she went from a Canadian punk rocker to Brandon Davis, which is the celebrity romance equivalent of going from drinking lots of Schlitz with the occasional hit of weed, to smoking meth and getting all scratchy and jaw-clenchy. Brandon Davis, Avril? Really? Say L8R to your dignity. Whibley need not worry about karmic retribution. [Page Six]
  
  
• Taylor Swift may write a song about being Kanye'd by Kanye West at the VMAs, thus resulting a hip hop beef on par with LL Cool J and Canibus, but not on par with, say, Jay-Z and Nas. Because this one's a no-brainer: Swift will slay West with her sick rhymes about destroying him up the ass with a fist and a jammy, or whatever rappers scream at each other about when they beef these days. [US]
  
  
• Yoko Ono calls Britney Spears a survivor. Meanwhile, remember that time Yoko Ono broke up the Beatles? [US]
  
  
• Michael Jackson's brothers are filming a reality show. This is why I'm glad I only have one brother and zero reality shows. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Jay-Z called Kanye West "super passionate," which puts him in the same category of bark-happy rapper DMX, and where's DMX now? In the kennel, or wherever rappers go to have their careers put down or at least go away for a few years. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Jon Gosselin won't charge for his signature. Good thing, because anyone willing to pay for his signature should probably be jailed or sentenced to a particularly intense colonic to get whatever bad chemicals are inside of them that's forcing them to do that extracted in the most visceral way possible. [TMZ]
  
  
• Rebecca Gayheart—yes, Eric Dane's wife, she of The McSteamy Affair—is preggers. She's said to be having quite a bit of trouble with morning sickness. Doctors attributed it to reading too much Gawker in the morning. Apparently, the rage-induced anonymous binge-commenting provoked by typos were making her queasy. [Page Six]
  
  
• Stone Temple Pilot Scott Weiland had a seizure on an airplane, which had to be piloted to the ground in order for him to recieve appropriate medical care. Hopefully, he's okay. [TMZ]
  
  
• Justin Timberlake's "What Goes Around, Comes Around" philosophy has been transcended...by Justin Timberlake. The other night at Avenue, Timberlake skipped the line. Some girl gets faux-pissy and jokes to Timberlake that he can't skip the line, to which he replies "Oh, I absolutely can," in all sincerity. She then asked for an autograph (clearly a tourist), to which he replied that he would, but he's too wasted (the best excuse in New York). Every now and then, Timberlake should be allowed to—or even, be encouraged—to be a dick. I mean, jesus, this is guy that brought sexy back. He has a quota to fill, assholes. [Page Six]
  
  
• Is it a good sign or a bad sign when a director misses a press junket for her first movie? Take, for example, the hot mess that's going to be Drew Barrymore's Whip It, starring Ellen Page as a rising roller derby-ette. She missed the press for the Toronto Film Festival because she was out getting tanked with Amanda Seyfried a couple of nights before. [Page Six]
  
  
• Some guy tried to violate the magical ecosystem of Hollywood by assulting blessed Hollywood munchkin Ryan Seacrest. He tried to get into Seacrest's clown car, Seacrest did what anybody else would do—pulled away—and now he's going to face 15 days in jail and is ordered to stay away from Seacrest. If the man is secretly an aspiring unicorn, this is essentially equivalent to a particularly heinous, roundabout instance of self-immolation. [NYDN]
  
  
• Katherine Heigl and Josh Kelly have a new Babsian in their lives, the 10 month-old Naleigh, adopted from South Korea. It's really pretty cute, and there's a picture. You thought I was going to go somewhere else with that, didn't you? Fuckoff. I like babies. [Page Six]

Finally, Shana Tova, Jews! It's the first day of the Jewish New Year, and if you're not at synagogue for the high holidays, feel free to email Rabbi Foster (I was bar-mitzvah'd: that certifies me, no?) at Foster [at] Gawker [Dot] Com with all of your resolutions for the Jewish New Year. Rising ponzi schemers: I'm listening, and have a solid client base. Now: bump this shit.

The waterworks tweaked out a few mists at a press conference this afternoon, when Pelosi was discussing the pervasive, volatile anger that has infected our nation. It's all so familiar!

I have concerns about some of the language that is being used because I saw … I saw this myself in the late '70s in San Francisco. This kind of rhetoric is just, is really frightening and it created a climate in which we, violence took place and … I wish that we would all, again, curb our enthusiasm in some of the statements that are made.

Of course it's a big deal when politicians cry — especially when it's a girly-girl talking about gay San Francisco! — and it wasn't long before Pelosi's arch-nemesis, Rush Limbaugh piped up and called the display nothing more than "tears of a crown." "You know that's fake because you can't cry when you have botox all over your face." Some say she's only exasperating exacerbating the problem, like Drudge, whose headline highlights that she's warning us of political violence. So, now people are angry at her weepy anger.

One self-styled citizen "commentator" over at ABC News called her a "witch who should disappear." Another confessed his — or her? — dream: "I wish the the headline read: Nancy Pelosi chokes to death." The people miss the point: chill the fuck out. Never mind, though, because it's just Nancy Pelosi. She's a politician who has dedicated her whole life to her constituents and must be evil. Hogwash.

But, if some people don't think she's serious, let's look toward Hollywood. It's there, where the real heroes reside, that a man tried to attack Ryan Seacrest. And the guy had a knife on his person. And it went down in a Children's Hospital parking lot! Seacrest is fine.

Worried fans, however, are distraught. "Thank God nothing happened! Lock that suspect up for good," reads one comment. Another? "Thank God for security when you need 'em." And that's the real point in all of this: the national insanity endangers our celebrities!!

Don't you see, Rush and company? Even celebrities aren't immune! This is some real, real shit, people. Panic. Now.

Or, that's what Pelosi should have said.

"It does not appear that she's going to be back on 'Idol,'" says Paula's manager David Sonenberg. He's tried and tried to get some sort of deal from producers FremantleMedia and 19 Entertainment, but well... we all know what it means when Hollywood doesn't return calls. Blame new judge Kara DioGuardi. Paula's status as Queen of AI felt rocky as soon as there was a new girl in town. We smell a catfight!

Ryan Gay/Straight/Gay Seacrest, meanwhile, sits pretty and overly tanned with his three-year, $45 million deal. Oh, Paula, we love you, because you're cra-ay-ay-azy! [EW]

Well, if Tina Fey wasn't rich before, she definitely is now. NBC has begun selling syndication rights to her 30 Rock sitcom, starting with an $800,000 per episode deal with Comedy Central and WGN America. They're expected to also get the show on lots of local affiliates, which is when the big, big money will start rolling in. That's the crazy thing about syndication. Like... Patricia Richardson, from Home Improvement? Hasn't done much since. But? So fucking rich. [Variety]

John Goodman and Susan Sarandon, who both recently completed Broadway runs, will join Al Pacino in HBO's Barry Levinson-directed You Don't Know Jack. The film is about assisted-suicide champion Jack Kevorkian. Sarandon and Goodman will play two of his loudest supporters. [THR]

So it will, in fact, be snarky Canadian Ryan Reynolds who Reynolds wraps himself into a tight superhero outfit for The Green Lantern. Reynolds will also be playing the superhero Deadpool in a movie called Deadpool, about a Canadian guy who is sarcastic and has swords. Blech. [Variety]

Forget about Tina Fey, it's Ryan Seacrest who just got rich. The American Idol host has just signed a three-year, $45 million deal to continue with 19 Entertainment's primetime programming. So that money's just for his network TV work, not for his radio show and E! stuff and production deals and holy cow, the man is just made of money. Bad news, though, about the show: Kara DioGuardi will likely be back. Again, belch. [THR]

Playwright and Dirty Sexy Money creator Craig Wright will develop a religion-themed series for Showtime called Revelation. It's about an "unconventional" minister who moves to Texas with his teenagers after his wife dies. So it's Showtime's answer to Big Love, only set in Texas. Wouldn't it be funny if Bill Pullman played the lead? [Variety]

Moody actor Danny Huston will play King Richard to Russell Crowe's Robin Hood and Sienna Miller's Maid Marion in Ridley Scott's as-yet-untitled Robin Hood documentary. This thing is taking forever to get made. I mean, they just now cast Richard the Lionhearted? Just now? Sheesh. Oh, and you know who's playing Little John? Creepy Keamy from Lorst. Kinda fun. [THR]

Um. Judge Reinhold and Lea Thompson are going to star in a zombie movie together. Is it about their careers? Hahahaha. No, it's actually described as "Shaun of the Dead for American audiences." Which, wait. Americans didn't get Shaun of the Dead? "Hey Lurleen, I get that these fellas is foreign and might be gettin' eaten, but what in the great 48 is a 'crumpet'? Doggone, I wish someone would make somethin' I understand. Somethin' with the nerd from Beverly Hills Cop innit maybe..." [Variety]

• Megan Fox said that she was blinded by the paparazzi flashes going off and all the people calling her name and she was so confused by it all that she didn't see the kid trying to give her a flower in the now infamous moment captured on film and circulated everywhere. Of the incident she said, "I feel so sad for him...that kills me," and offered to send him and autograph to take his virginity or something. She's so cool, isn't she? [Collider]
  
  
• Ryan Seacrest and Lindsay Lohan are developing some sort of reality show starring Lindsay that helps out people who have messed up their lives and gives them a million bucks to start over again. We just hope that Lindsay doesn't steal all the money. [Daily News]
  
  
• Kate Moss got into a fight with her new rocker boyfriend and got so pissed that she tossed his laptop into a swimming pool. Unfortunately, the laptop had six new songs by his band, The Kills, on it that weren't backed up anywhere else, and now they're gone forever. Such are the perils of rockers who date coke-addled supermodels. [Mirror]
  
  
• The dude who's been banging Katie Lee Joel, Yigal Azrouel, has apparently been spreading the love all over the place with multiple women. Page Six reports today that he especially loves to bone fashion magazine editors who he thinks can help his career as a designer. [Page Six]
  
  
• Harvey Milk screenwriter Dustin Lance Black says that he knew growing up Mormon that God didn't love him because he's a gay man, and that he even contemplated suicide. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Rihanna is set to take the stand and spill the beans against Chris Brown in court today about his vicious assault against her earlier in the year. [Daily News]
  
  
• Sarah Jessica Parker got pulled over in the Hamptons the other night for driving her Mercedes minivan without the headlights on. Her son James was in the back seat. Kate Gosselin would be proud. [Page Six]
  
  
• Cristiano Ronaldo said that he had a great time "talking" to Paris Hilton during their recent hookup that sent the London tabloids into a hysterical frenzy. [Sun]
  
  
• Poor little Mercy. Madonna latest African adoption, already looks confused and bewildered as all hell. [Daily Mail]

• Anna Wintour's main event-planning-lady - who she's had around for 11 years - is leaving to go spend time with her family. Her resignation probably came with an ambivalent scoff regarding weakness and moral fortitude, and as soon as she closed the door to Wintour's office, Wintour collapsed in heaving sobs. Probably. Maybe. Okay, that shit absolutely did not happen. [P6]
  
  
• Hollywood's Rapid-Fire-Speech Power Couple, West Wing actor Bradley Whitford and wife Jane Kaczmarek (Malcolm In The Middle) are getting a divorce; they have three children. Want to tear up? Here's Whitford's famously charming and gracious Emmy acceptance speech in which he lovingly thanks Kaczmarek for her support of his career. It was going to be 17 years in August, and this is the second celebrity divorce announcement of the week (the first was Billy and Katie Lee Joel). [People]
  
  
• Last month's speculation Gisele Bundchen was preggers with Tom Brady's baby is now confirmed. No word on whether the child - like Brady's other baby - has a penis, or if it's right-handed. New England waits with baited breath. Meanwhile, somewhere late last night, the Manning family wardanced around a black cauldron and threw live lobsters into lime and burning sulfur. [NYDN]
  
  
• Gah! The Governator was on a flight when the cockpit filled with smoke and had to make an emergency landing. Everyone's fine and nobody had to "GET OUT OF THE CHOPPAH" because they were in an airplane, obvi. [TMZ]
  
  
• T.R. Knight made some stuff up about how sad he is to be leaving Grey's Anatomy, probably just to keep his agents from performing self-immolation in a Century City back alley. [People]
  
  
• Radio midget Ryan Seacrest was chillin' with Lindsey Lohan Thursday night until the late hours. Hey, whatever, I just work here. [E!]
  
  
• Woody Allen wants to put the moves on Carla Bruni. On behalf of all nerdy, sexless Semites everywhere, I say: Go with God. [NYDN]
  
  
• American producers of Britian's Got Talent are looking for their own Susan Boyle. Imagine that conversation: "Yeah, of course she can sing like Sarah Brightman, but unless she's seven and has a tumor protruding five inches out of her forehead, we're gonna have to pass. Sorry." [NYDN]
  
  
• Men's Health stud-in-chief Dave Zinczenko doesn't give a shit about swine flu. He had some party where they ate a bunch of pig. Meanwhile, the only men buying Men's Health still remain the ones who will never have AWESOME ABS IN NINE SECONDS. [P6]
  
  
• Beyonce totally stood up Manhattan nightclub Mansion - sorry, M2 - on a date. But the best part of the item is that M2's owner - Joey Morrisey - gets referred to by his last name throughout the piece. So it reads like the former lead singer of The Smiths and the former Destiny's Child frontwoman are about to throw down. Which would be awesome. [P6]
  
  
• Gossip Girl mom Kelly Rutherford is worried her ex-husband might run for the border with her kids. Josh Schwartz is somewhere taking script notes. [TMZ]
  
  
• Page Six watched Leighton Meester's sex tape - or, okay, "several different sources" coughNeel Shahcough - and notes that her feet are definitely the stars of the show. This was reported yesterday, but Gawker can't actually verify this until Managing Editor Gabriel Snyder approves an expense on the company card, so until then, turn to Page Six for all your hard-hitting Leighton Meester sex tape play-by-play action, which they will probably have the exclusive on before us. [P6]
  
  
• Heh. The Busey continues to spit game at whatever immortal age he's at. TMZ caught him at the beach talking to a gaggle of girls, though in all likelihood, he was probably lecturing them on the chi of the sand vulture's post hunter-gathering expedition sex rituals. [TMZ]
  
  
• Hugh Laurie could care less what happens to House. "I don't care what happens I only care how it happens. House could become a nun or an arms dealer or a transvestite," the Emmy-winning actor noted. Okay, House becoming a nun or a transvetite? Seriously great ideas, though. Either would get me watching the show again. [Showbiz Spy]

• Yesterday, we reported: "Susan Boyle's BACKINYOFACE, mothafuckas!" And now we're sad to report: Susan Boyle's "exhausted" again. She pulled out of a Manchester tour date because she wasn't feelin' it. This can't be good. I mean, let's just say what needs to be said here: the woman always kind of felt a little, well, off. It was her quirk and naivety of fame that did the whole "capture our hearts" thing, so, you know, you'd think: these things would be something to watch out for, indicators of some lack of preparedness for the fame she achieved two seconds after she stepped off that stage the first time. And now, here we are: a tired woman, being driven crazy by too much at once. Sigh. [TMZ]
  
  
• Still can't get over the Dustin Lance Black photos, if only because I'm trying to remember which other non-acting Oscar winners have had photos of them leaked. Really, this entire thing is just a solid Jeopardy answer in the making. Anyway: Black released a statement in response to the photos leaking, in which he apologizes for not practicing safe sex. "More important than the embarrassment of this incident is the misleading message these images send. I apologize and cannot emphasize enough the importance of responsible sexual practices." [E!]
  
  
• WTF. Cindy Adams wrote two pages for the Post this morning on how to stash cash away. Sample line: "You can glue single bills flat inside luggage lining — providing your suitcase is classy enough for a lining and you don't mind the inconvenience of then ripping that bag to shreds to get the paste off the money." Uh, thank you, Crazy Aunt Cindy? Next week, Neel Shah teaches you how to beat a dude with a lead pipe. [Page Six]
  
  
• Har! Salman Rushdie tore the shit up 'out the dance floor at a party the other night. Noteth Page Six, poetry in motion: "'She had heels on, so he only came up to her breasts,' laughs our source. 'With her low-cut dress and his bald head, when he's dancing with her he looks like her third boob.'" Oh, come on. That's funny. [Page Six]
  
  
• Prince Harry's new ladyfriend is a total starfucker. She dated Russell Brand at one point, and one time she had a "romp" in a hot tub with Jack Osbourne and another girl. A "romp," from what I understand, is a funny British word for "sex that isn't really sex" (as opposed to a "snog" which is definitely sex, or a "muggle" which is a non-magical person). [News Of The World]
  
  
• Colin Ferrell needs more bodyguards to protect him from all the paparazzi headed his way. I mean, really? Colin Ferrell? [Rush & Malloy]
  
  
• Michael Phelps is still rocking some kind of porn stache. It's fantastic. [TMZ]
  
  
• Craig Ferguson almost killed himself before running into the friend who would help him have the career he has now. ""I felt worse than I ever had. ... I was a drunk, a loser and a disaster as a human being. ... The shame was immense. It pushed down on me like a terrible weight." Wow. [Rush & Malloy]
  
  
• Ron Burkle denied everything Mark Ebner wrote about him on his blog that didn't make it into Ebner's book on Burkle, which mostly amounts to an "omitted chapter," a salacious little bit where Burkle calls in prostitutes for a girl-on-girl show. Ebner once wrote an article on the Church of Scientology, where, for the purposes of full-disclosure, he wrote: "I am an ex-drug addict who has solicited prostitutes in my day. I've also masturbated and inhaled at the same time, and I have been arrested more than once in my life. I dropped out of high school and I've been under psychiatric care." Here's the thing, Mark: you're not a celebrity! Not even the Scientologists care! Too much full disclosure. TMI. Seriously. [Page Six]
  
  
• Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell emerged from a strip club Friday night covered in lipstick. Cute. [P*r*z H*lt*n]

Peter Kafka of All Things D knew it wouldn't be the Mirror Awards without relentless heckling and/or inside joking.

New York's Jessica Coen inadvertently stumbled into Rite Aid's obfuscated products aisle.

Ryan Seacrast eagerly devoured on opportunity to reassert his heterosexuality.

Engadget's Ryan Block recontextualized himself.

Toure was robbed of a simple, formerly non-racist pleasure.

Did you witness the media elite tweet something indiscreet? Please email us your favorite tweets - or send us more Twitter usernames.

• Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag are causing all sorts of trouble on the set of "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here" and the thing hasn't even really started taping yet. According to Ryan Seacrest, of all people, the duo have been whining and bitching since they landed in Costa Rica and have even taken to talking trash about the other "celebrities" on the show. They're even threatening to walk out on the show! Now, we're sure that this is just a stunt to drum up publicity for the show, but whatever, maybe we'll get lucky and Lou Diamond Phillips will beat them senseless with coconuts and bamboo or something. [Ryan Seacrest]
  
  
• A catfight between Madonna and Kate Hudson, the ex and current lovers of Yankees' steroid freak Alex Rodriguez, nearly broke out over the weekend at a polo match on Governor's Island. Crisis was averted, however, when Madonna realized that she doesn't give a shit about Kate Hudson boning Alex Rodriquez. [Daily News]
  
  
• Billy Bob Thornton's estranged daughter has been charged in the death of a one year-old child she was babysitting. The child died last October after falling from its playpen. [TMZ]
  
  
• Britney Spears brought along an entourage of dudes she may or may not be banging on the regular for a meeting with K-Fed. [PITNB]
  
  
• Lori Petty got bombed, got behind the wheel of a car, blasted a skateboarder, got arrested, and then did the "cover my face with my shirt" perp walk after she was released the next day. Sounds like a stellar weekend. [TMZ]
  
  
• Steve-O of Jackass and Dancing With the Stars fame has found a new way to stay sober after years of addiction issues—-Tattoos! Apparently each time he feels the urge to take a bump, he gets some ink. [Page Six]
  
  
• Pink is basically about to beat the shit out of Kanye West because they were both at a fashion show and Kanye kept bitching about the lack of fur in the show and Pink is an animal rights activist or something and so it pissed her off. She could totally take Kanye's bitch-ass any day. [UK Sun]
  
  
• Kate Gosselin went to the beach and built tiny castles in the sand all by her own self because Jon can't stand her and was probably at Hooters flirting with the hostess or something. [DListed]
  
  
• Susan Boyle is probably in a straight jacket right now and is destined to be an older, more rumpled version of Amy Winehouse. So sad. [UK Mirror]
  
  
• Kimora Lee Simmons gave birth to a baby boy over the weekend after being sperminated by Djimon Hounsou. [EOnline]

I've never watched this show in its entirety EVER prior to tonight and I have just one question—-Who the hell was that crazy Tatiana girl?

UPDATE: Someone sent in this Daily Beast post that earlier today, as evidenced in the URL of the post, was titled "Why Adam Lambert Will Win Tonight." Shortly after the broadcast, the title was changed to "Why Adam Lambert's Loss Is a Red State Victory." [Daily Beast]

Clip via Red Lasso

• Jennifer Aniston is lusting after David Schwimmer's sperm, since he's "handsome, tall, smart and with a full head of hair." Also, they made a pact to marry if they were both 40 and single, and they are both 40+ and single. Also, Jennifer Aniston has wisely decided to return control of her life to the writing staff of Friends. [National Enquirer]
  
• Everyone wants Lindsay Lohan to go (back) to rehab, including her mom, Samantha Ronson's family, people staying next to Lohan in hotels, people who eat next to her in restaurants and people who consume media written or broadcast in the English language. [OK!]
  
• Ryan Seacrest is dating a lady cocktail waitress he met at a Los Angeles nightclub. A very heterosexual, manly nightclub. [P6]
  
• Nadya Suleman is trying to trademark the name "Octo-Mom" so she can sell branded diapers and clothes capitalizing on her reputation for sound, responsible mothering. [Us]
  
• Rihanna is planning a concert in Dubai, her first since the Chris Brown thing. [E!]

Or at least that's the joke he made! The entertainment mogul was on Ryan Seacrest's radio show yesterday and yukked that that's how resolved the Project Runway dispute between his company and Silverman's NBC/Universal.

"This is a bombshell," Weinstein growled. "Ben Silverman said, 'Why don't Harvey and I arm-wrestle this? Naked!'" And Seacrest, of course, giggled that way he loves to giggle when anything gay comes up. Seacrest added that it must have been a first in conflict resolution, but Weinstein, delighting in seeing the sprightly little frosted pixie in stitches so, decided to press on with the joke.

"I've spoken to some of his dates, and apparently it's not a first," he said as Seacrest went bright red and peed himself a little, out of a heady mixture of hysteria and awkwardness. I mean, really, when Harvey Weinstein makes a joke, you'd better goddamned laugh.

Nice, if not surprising, to see that Weinstein is treating this like a victory. Though we assume that Bravo will have the last laugh (or giggle!) when no one tunes in to watch PR on the damn Lifetime network.

[Page Six]

CNET adorablogger Natali Del Conte forgot her PIN.

Dennis Clark, executive producer of Ryan Seacrest's radio show, had a moment of gay panic.

Broadcasting and Cable's Alex Weprin steeled himself for an encounter with hunkiness.

Vanity Fair online editor Mike Hogan assiduously pursued Internet fame.

Wounded ABC newsman Bob Woodruff sought help from a Twitter veteran.

Did you witness the media elite tweet something indiscreet? Please email us your favorite tweets — or send us more Twitter usernames.

NBC's Scott McGrew missed his chance to get the scoop on Google's layoffs.

Ellyn Angelotti of the Poynter Institute did that whole mouse-frightens-woman stereotype thing.

Chicago blogger Blagica Bottigliero announced her contempt for people who use Twitter to broadcast announcements.

Wired writer Jason Tanz dulled the pain.

Natalie Eshaya, a writer for known twink Ryan Seacrest, committed an ursophobic act of hate speech against perfectly harmless bears.

Did you witness the media elite tweet something indiscreet? Please email us your favorite tweets — or send us more Twitter usernames.