Gawker: Safety

"Come With Me If You Want to Live."

Richard — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 14:48:00 EDT

[Fashion designer and completely strange person Karl Lagerfeld wearing a safety vest for a French PSA. The text roughly translates to: "It's yellow, it's ugly, it doesn't go with anything, but it could save your life."; image via Fashion Copious, headline via Pareene]

You Have Hopscotch To Live For

Hamilton Nolan — Tue, 13 May 2008 12:24:40 EDT

How many times have you gazed out on the subway tracks during your daily commute, wishing only for the sweet release that hurling yourself upon them would provide? Plenty of times; you're reading this site, so we know your job sucks. Some people do throw themselves in front of trains, which represents not only a wasted life, but also a hugely inconvenient municipal clean-up job. So Washington, DC has ordered up some stuff to keep your mind occupied while you're on the platform—games like Hopscotch and "I Spy." The slogan on the games reads "Life is fun. Keep on living. Use caution around the tracks." Perhaps hopscotch was not the wisest choice, then? And let's be honest—the slogan of this campaign should really be, "Anything to Momentarily Distract You From Suicidal Thoughts." After the jump (ha), one of the "I Spy" games. This would only cure a very minimal level of depression:

[via Adrants; photo via Peter Kreder]

Andrea Peyser Demands To See X-Ray Cock

Hamilton Nolan — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 09:19:01 EDT

The Post's Andrea Peyser, who is like a mix of Ann Coulter, Ed Koch, and a rat with rabies, has a few things she can't stand: liberals, whiners, all things pure and good. Now you can add to that list "millimeter wave technology," an improved airport full-body security scanning method. It sees through clothes and leaves nothing to the imagination! "It's enough to make me rethink my hairstyle. I'm not referring to my head." Gross, Andrea Peyser. Jesus. She watches a woman go through the scan, and cleverly riffs, "The machine also shaved off 15 pounds, a good argument for scanning females." I get it, women are fat! Then, she insists that a man go through, so she can look at his penis:

Finally, into the machine popped TSA project manager Kyle Keyser, 27. And I immediately understood the reluctance to use a guy.
Keyser's image was yanked off the screen so quickly, I had yet to determine definitively if he was born Jewish. It was instantaneously clear, however, that the young man is not one to wield a razor near sensitive parts.

Andrea Peyser, if you oppose this technology then the terrorists have already won.

The Time Has Come For Women To Buy Lasers

Hamilton Nolan — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 09:24:43 EDT

After much delay, the future has arrived. Everybody's buying lasers! And, everybody's hairless! If you guessed that these two things are related, you are probably an astute female consumer of laser hair removal services. But now that the world of science fiction is here, you don't have to sit around cold, impersonal cut-rate salons to have some young whippet blast the hair off your body with concentrated pulses of scalding light; you can do it in the comfort of your own home, with no training or safety at all! We can already anticipate the hilarious domestic violence battles that will end with a laser being drawn. Two consumer-targeted lasers, the Tria ($995) and the Silk'n ($800), are about to be launched [WSJ ($)]. Just one slight drawback: these lasers are sexist and racist!

Tria and Silk'n have their limitations. They are slower than professional treatments, so they work best in small areas like lower legs, underarms and bikini lines rather than big areas like hairy men's backs. The Food and Drug Administration hasn't cleared them for use on the face, though consumers could end up using the devices there. And African-Americans and other dark-skinned people can't use them because of a risk of burns. Lasers and light-based technologies work by targeting pigment in the hair and can mistake dark or tanned skin for the enemy.

Nicest Reporter In History Gets Attacked On The Job

Hamilton Nolan — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 13:23:42 EDT

In an episode that was simultaneously poignant, noble, and hilariously out of touch, old New York Times reporter David Dunlap—who is always on the lookout for "illegal marketing campaigns"— says he "sensed a story on the evening of the 14th, when I came across two or three young men stapling posters for a new hip-hop album to lampposts." He started taking pictures of them, and they asked him what he was doing. He replied that what they were doing was illegal; then a guy attacked him and smashed his camera [City Room via FishbowlNY]! Dunlap got pushed down and roughed up, but is unharmed. And he refuses to press charges, because he's so grateful that they didn't stomp him out or rob him at the same time!

I'm not inclined to press charges. While my assailant's actions were frightening, they resulted in part from what he interpreted as provocation: that is, my taking pictures after he had explicitly warned me not to. He did not take my wallet, cash or briefcase; something he could easily have done while I was on the ground. Nor do I recall him using much more force than was needed to wrest the camera from me. He didn't kick me gratuitously when I was down. He did what he threatened to do, but no more.
In the greater scheme of things, my quarrel isn't with him, anyway. It's with the suits who made the decision in the first place to undertake an illegal marketing campaign.

Dunlap's conviction that he had stumbled on a grand story by discovering the Street Marketing industry is comical; but his reporting instincts are admirable. Overall he sounds like an incredibly nice man. You must read his entire account of the situation, which is just priceless. David Dunlap, we got your back!

[pic via City Room]

Nina DiSesa To Bloggers: Stop Attacking Children!

Hamilton Nolan — Mon, 03 Mar 2008 13:02:37 EST

McCann Erickson ad agency exec Nina DiSesa has already made clear her feelings that ad industry bloggers are bitter losers, who bear some responsibility for the suicide of Chicago ad exec Paul Tilley. But in a just-posted new video interview, she expands on the real villains: "The blogs that attack the children." She thinks they should all be outlawed! Quite right, cause there's a lot of ad industry blogs that attack children and stuff, I guess, or something. DiSesa does display her canny understanding of the digital age by acknowledging, "It's fun to have a really good blog on your computer and to engage in it." Okay! The full clip, helpfully titled "Are bloggers dangerous?", is below.

Let The Shootings Begin!

Choire — Thu, 27 Dec 2007 09:20:30 EST

1800 rookie cops—actually, only 900 new ones, if that's really how many graduated from the Academy this year—are being sent out "to patrol high-crime pockets that have resisted the overall crime drop" in New York City. Wait, 900? "That's funny... I only counted about 650 cops at graduation," writes a poster on NYPD Rant, who has some suggestions for questions that reporters might ask of the NYPD. Anyway! The good news: The murder rate is at an astonishing low! So will it work? Or will a bunch of gun-toting youngsters who make $25,100 a year just end up, you know, bumping the murder rate back up? Time will tell! Maybe just don't make any sudden moves on the street starting tomorrow, okay?

Cops hit hot spots though city is safe [NYDN]

Bike Racks For All At 'NYTimes' Building—But Are The Stairs Up To Code?

Maggie — Tue, 18 Dec 2007 15:00:19 EST

Now that New York Times staffers are all settled in their fancy new building with the indoor arboretum and the finicky windowpanes, we wondered what the company might be doing to impress upon employees that their comforts and convenience remain priorities. As it turns out, the Times HR department wants everyone to know they're still listening. "We recently implemented some changes to better suit the needs of our employees," reads today's in-houseTimes newsletter [PDF link]. For instance! Bike racks are promised! Name plate holders for the copy desk too! Also, in the interest of convenience, staircases are now numbered "on the inside railing on each staircase—now when walking between floors you can easily know your location." Pardon us for saying so, but aren't well-marked means of egress, you know, prerequisites to passing city building and fire codes? We decided to poke around in the code to find out, and hey, how about that! They totally are.

According to Article 9 of the city's building code (section [C26-608.3] 27-392 to be exact and yes, looking at that number makes our head hurt too), which is available on the mayor's website, "Floor numbering signs" are indeed kind of important! Any office building with either one elevator or more than 500 people (that's you, fancy New York Times building!) must have signs that "shall be posted and maintained within each stair enclosure on every floor, indicating the number of the floor." Emphasis ours, so on and so forth.

The Times, along with the new Hearst building and some 300 other Manhattan buildings, has "smart elevator" technology. You can read all about how it works in a generally favorable 2005 piece the Times did—and more on it today, as well, less happily.

With smart elevator systems, riders choose their destination first on a lobby panel outside and are then directed into the appropriate elevator—which, as Curbed noticed this summer, don't contain any buttons at all.

As far as we can tell, "smart" elevators sure don't break any building codes and last time we checked we weren't professional architects or building inspectors, but still. Considering the fallibility of anything that runs on a computer, we would assume clearly marking the brick-and-mortar stairwells used in case of emergency would have been done six months before staffers at the Times were moved into their new headquarters, not six months after. Even if the building's signage is kosher, would you relish working in a building where you're forced to take the word of management and your elevator that you're on the 10th floor?

Owen Wilson's Death Wish In Plain Sight

Choire — Thu, 01 Nov 2007 13:10:58 EDT

Owen Wilson just flew by me down Second Avenue on his trusty bicycle, his adorable dirty hair feathered back, his shirttails flapping, his nose not as freakishly prominent as it sometimes becomes in the proximity of Wes Anderson. The bazillions of stalker sightings we've gotten in the last week of Owen, always on his bike, suggest that perhaps he is on some bizarre biking marathon around New York? (Yesterday: "Owen Wilson almost ran me over on his baby blue beach cruiser"; the day before: "I saw Owen Wilson riding his bike west on Prince St crossing through the intersection of Broadway.") Perhaps someone is holding his brother Luke hostage and demanding that his bike not slow below 20 mph, like some Us Weekly version of "Speed 4"? In any event: SOMEONE PLEASE BUY OWEN WILSON A HELMET. I've always wanted to see inside his crazy head but not literally and his lack of respect for cabs during lane changes is stunning.

BREAKING: Carnegie Deli Explodes

Chris Mohney — Thu, 20 Jul 2006 18:45:19 EDT

Just received over the tipline:

Carnegie deli just exploded
15 mins ago
yeah
in the basement

WABC is on the scene, claiming the explosion was actually "near" the famous pastrami emporium, and says no injuries have been reported. Developing.

UPDATE: Apparently, just a big fire, courtesy of an exploding ConEd cable. Everyone got out fine. Return to your homes.

Carnegie Deli fire evacuates 35 diners [WABC]

Hot Chicks in Pain Rock

Chris Mohney — Thu, 13 Jul 2006 17:10:07 EDT

New York's dueling tabloids love ladies in distress, and Jennifer Panicali, the 22-years-young woman injured by the Upper East Side explodey townhouse is certainly going through a lot. We wish her nothing but the best as she recovers from having shrapnel removed from 100+ parts of her body. But isn't it odd that both the New York Daily News and New York Post keep obsessing on her looks? Consider "Blast beauty kin thank city" (NYDN) and the typically tasteful "Beauty's Blown Away" (NYP). Since Panicali was a former NYDN intern, they can perhaps be excused a little paternal pride — she's a "beautiful aspiring journalist," and they at least try to mix the physical and the intellectual by twice referring to her as a "brainy beauty." Perhaps she's just naturally smokin', and she must know it, as both papers reported that among her first post-blast words were, "Oh, my God, am I going to be disfigured?". The lesson in soliciting public sympathy for your tragedy is clear: (1) Be attractive. (2) Don't be unattractive.

Praise for her hero [NYDN]
Blast beauty kin thank city [NYDN]
Beauty's Blown Away [NYP]

See Someone Saw Someone, Say Something

Chris Mohney — Fri, 07 Jul 2006 14:30:11 EDT

Because You Demanded It — deranged man attacks subway rider with industrial tools, then absconds with teddy bear on continued crimewave. The Today Show has the goods above. Shocking, as even with the trials and tribulations of a normal New York subway commute, one rarely expects an assault from a pair of cordless reciprocating saws. And there's some question about whether or not MTA workers at the scene fled and/or observed the carnage with bored disinterest. See zone-flooding repetitive linkfest after the jump for full details, but the upshot is that the alleged saw-wielding maniac has been apprehended, and the victim is recovering from his wounds in the hospital. Plus, as Newsday notes, subway officials don't think this will make customers feel unsafe, and they're right — an interviewed straphanger says of the saw attack, "It doesn't happen that often." [emph. added]

UPDATE: New York City Transit maintains that the "transit authority people" who didn't come to the sawing victim's rescue were not MTA employees but actually electrical contractors from Ozone Park. That's what you get for importing cheap Queens labor.

Saw Maniac in Subway Horror [NYP]
Man Slices Through Postal Worker at Subway Station [Gothamist]
'Positive I was a dead man ... I was bleeding everyplace' [NYDN]
Postal Worker Sliced by Saw-Wielding Attacker [NYT]
Saw-attack victim: Workers didn't help me [AMNY]
Slashed at a subway station [Newsday]
Attack With Electric Saw In Subway [NY Sun]
Arrest In Subway Power Saw Rampage [CBS]
Official: Subways safe [Newsday]

Soho Stabby

Chris Mohney — Thu, 06 Jul 2006 12:55:44 EDT

Don Hill's: legendary dive or glitzy underground homo-rock scene? Both, of course, and also a leading exponent of NYC IS (still) EDGY, by way of a brawl and multiple stabbing:

Don Hill, the owner of the club, insisted it's not a violent place and that he hasn't had problems in the past.
"Everybody seems to have a fun time here, everybody enjoys themselves," Hill said. "I didn't see it but anything can happen."

Indeed, Don Hill's has had no problems in the past at all, unless you think of April as the past, and as long as you don't touch the holy hat of Good Charlotte's fauxpunk Benji Madden. Then you can expect a well-deserved beatdown, whether it's Misshapes night or not.

Soho Clubgoer Stabbed in Back [NYP]
Benji Madden fights at MisShapes [NYP via ohnotheydidn't]

[Photo: Getty Images]

Britney: She's Wrong Again!

Jesse — Wed, 17 May 2006 10:05:51 EDT

Yesterday afternoon we brought you, courtesy of our greasemonkey brother, Jalopnik, word that Britney hadn't really screwed up (this time). Sony BMG put out a press release, as Jalopnik reported, noting that "rear-facing seats are only required if the infant is not more than 20 lbs. Britney's son Sean weighs over 20 lbs." A case of tabloid overreach, it seemed. But then — hold on, Skippy.

And old college pal currently living in San Francisco and mom to a tinyish infant, writes to tell us the real story:

Only because I am worried that my baby, who has inherited my smallness genes, will be one year before she weighs 20 pounds, I can tell you that Britney IS wrong. The kid has to be both one year and 20 pounds.

Tiny mom to tiny infant helpfully sends along a link to the car-seat guidelines, and, well, Sean Preston, born on September 14, certainly isn't a year old yet. Good try, Sony BMG.

Car Safety Seats: A Guide for Families [AAP]
Earlier:
Breaking: Teen-Pop Sensation Deficient in Auto-Safety Provisions
Remainders: In Reluctant Defense of Britney Spears

Reminding You to Keep a Watchful, Ineffective Eye

Jessica — Wed, 07 Dec 2005 16:00:52 EST

We hate those MTA vigilante signs all over the subways (at right). Seriously, we "see something" all the fucking time, but it's not like we're going to go hunt down some listless MTA employees just to tell them that Al Qaeda planted an unattended package of rotting KFC under the benches.

And besides, isn't the MTA mock-up below really more to the point?

Click to enlarge for full message.

If You Fear Something, You'll See Something [Fulana]

It's Not Easy Being Incredibly Desirable

Jessica — Thu, 10 Nov 2005 10:24:54 EST

30-year-old Darcy Smith (left) of South Orange is hot. So hot, in fact, that she can't even knock back a $15 cosmo without being constantly hit on by the suave gentlemen of New York nightlife. Weary of being asked to dance and offered drink after tiresome drink, Smith put a posting on Craigslist looking for a security guard to accompany her and her friends during their nights out on the town. Enter 315-pound Brendan Reed, one of three bodyguards Smith hired to keep the lady-killers at bay. Now, thanks to her personal security detail, Smith can pretend she's J-Lo and enjoy a night out with her girlfriends at Spirit.

Private Bouncer [NYP]

Remainders: Apocalypse Now

Jessica — Mon, 07 Nov 2005 18:00:11 EST

• Eventually, something — a flu, a hurricane, our own government — will wipe out most of humanity. And, much to our surprise, that includes New York. [NYM]
• 50 Cent is man enough to cry. And to kill you for laughing at him about it. [Reuters]
• The dying New York Press attempts to revive itself via the modern media adrenaline shot known as a "blog." [Fifth Estate]
• Do we date too often? Too little? More importantly, do we think about this shit too much to ever get laid? [n+1]
• You know what suffix should be used more often? "-iggers." Not that we'd ever be caught saying "chiggers" aloud. [Fawny]
• A nice, Jewish lawyer needs someone to pretend to be his wife for a company function. And so a heart-warming romantic comedy begins. [Craigslist]
• The male nipple might be silly, but it sure does move copy! [Marketwatch]

Manhattan Gets Nice Wartime Vibe

Jessica — Fri, 21 Oct 2005 11:23:20 EDT

A storage room fire at the West 4th Street subway station has shut down the entire stop, resulting in all sorts of fuckitude for commuters. And, despite the problem being below ground, helicopters are everywhere, sirens are constant, and people are just a wee bit more edgy than they already were.

We're thinking it's best to stay inside today. It's very September 12 out there.

NYC Subway Station Evacuated Due to Fire [AP]

Subway Too EDGY for Sleeping!

Jessica — Thu, 20 Oct 2005 15:40:35 EDT

We love the adorably named "lushworkers," who work hard to keep NYC EDGY by preying on sleeping straphangers. The impish thieves (or so we imagine them to be, what, with that cute monikor of theirs) ruin commuter naptime by cutting their victims' pants and stealing wallets, cell phones, and whatever else one might have shoved in there. How do they get away with it?

Most or all of the victims were inebriated, police said. In 28 of the crimes, the victim was asleep on a subway car. One victim was asleep on a subway platform, police said, and another was sleeping on a station's steps.

And that's why it's always better to drunkenly vomit on the way home than drunkenly pass out.

Lushworkers Target Napping Commuters [NYSun]

Terror Tip-Off Beneficiaries... Revealed!

Jessica — Wed, 19 Oct 2005 13:43:51 EDT

Today brought news that two federal officials have been stripped of their security clearances after possibly giving an advance warning to NYC "elite" regarding the recent non-credible credible vaguely specific terror threats. That's great, but we're still wondering who got the early tip-off. Newsday reported that Tony Micocci and Nick Seligson-Ross were two of the saviors of NYC's elite (if you happen to be roommates with one of them, well, lucky you), having sent the mass emails, but who was on the receiving end?

Now we know! After the jump, Nick and Tony's emails, complete with information regarding the well-protected recipients. Let's just say that after the apocalypse, the art fags shall thrive.

From: Tony Micocci
Sent: Wednesday, October 05, 2005 8:10:07 PM
To: azimet@xxx.com; Alice_Prine@ xxx.com; adbogart@ xxx.com; Barbara@xxx.com; bvit@xxx.com; xxx@brooklynphilharmonic.org;
xxx@bliss.net; xxxi@deshaw.com; xxx@ClassicalTheatreofHarlem.org; xxx@juno.com; xxx@metmuseum.org; xxx@micocci.com; xxx@synapseproductions.org; xxxx@herrick.com; edurkee@xxx.com; xxx@icmtalent.com; EllenSITI@xxx.com; xxx@micocci.com; Drfedelevero@xxx.com; xxx@columbia.edu; xxx@synapseproductions.org; goldmime@xxx.com; xxxx@deloitte.com; xxx@fwrv.com; xxx@mailhub.cc.columbia.edu; xxx@ShopcoGroup.com; xxx@erols.com; xxx@bam.org; kathryn@xxx.com; xxx@playco.org; xxx@carnegiehall.org; xxx@deshaw.com; LesleeAsch@xxx.com; xxx@maboumines.org; xxx@maboumines.org; xxx@nyc.wunderman.com; xxx@joyce.org; mhunnewell@xxx.com; Nanette DiFalco; xxx@orsidr.com; xxx@ccmd.org; sam99green@xxx.com; dovetailproductions@xxx.com; siobhannyc@xxx.com; xxx@siti.org; xxx@cdas.com; tomcaravaglia@xxx.com; xxx@fao.com;
eve_pomerantz@xxx.com; janemgt@xxx.com; xxx@imgworld.com; lubovitch@xxx.com; xxx@NYPops.org; xxx@shaganarts.com; xxx@secondstagetheatre.com; xxx@stcbooks.com; xxx@tnc.org; Oskar@xxx.com; xxx@nyu.edu; xxx@new42.org; xxx@pace.edu; reddenn@xxx.com; xxx@apollotheater.com; xxx@goldenrichfilms.com
Cc: xxx@micocci.com
Subject: Alarming call from Washington
Importance: High

I have just received a most disturbing call from one of my oldest friends from growing up in Washington, who is the chief of intelligence for the US Coast Guard and the CG s liason to the Office of Homeland Security a person I ve known for 40 years and trust implicitly and who, by dint of his position, has access to the highest level of intelligence traffic . He called with a very specific caution to not enter or use the New York City subway system from October 7 through the 10th (Friday through Monday) based on information he has received of potential terrorist activity. He was not permitted to provide further information, but did permit me to share this information with friends and family which is what I am doing.

He had no idea what, if any, information the government may make public about the situation it could be a great deal or it could be none. And of course we will all feel like fools if we completely disrupt our normal travel patterns for four days for nothing. But knowing the source as I do, my family will be taking this advice seriously and I share it with you to act on as you see fit.

Nothing would please me more than to think of you all laughing at me next week for crying wolf, realizing that it means nothing untoward happened. But if you have an alternate means of moving about the city above ground for those four days, I hope very much that you will consider using it.
Thanks,
Tony

******************************

From: Lane Hagen
Sent: Tuesday, October 04, 2005 9:18 AM
To: Jeff Kursonis; Healy, Kristin M.; Dmitri; Kristen Somody; kateschwabe@xxx.com; karaleeburk@xxx.com; knbaker3@aol.com; Kelly Martin; LISA LEE; lovinghim428@xxx.com; Melissa Tamplin; Martin; sassufrass@xxx.com; owenrockwell@xxx.com; ogradyjere@xxx.com; paula.orr@xxx.com; pinkjunk@xxx.com; Pat & Courtney Drake; Ron Whiteman; roberto zemke; raul rojas; xxx@trinityny.org; sofiaguat81@xxx.com; triciaw81@xxx.com; tsuiters@xxx.com; xxx@intothebest.com; timleroux@xxx.com; the_one88@xxx.com; xxx@pilatesonfifth.com; Robert Wages; Chris Dorm
Subject: To all friends

Hi everyone,
The following message is from my director, Nick Seligson-Ross. As noted, this is serious- please take care of yourselves.
Best,
Lane

—--
I do not send out mass emails as games or jokes so PLEASE take this seriously.

As some of you know my father works for Homeland Security, at a very high position and receives security briefings on a daily basis. I received a call from him Monday Oct 3, 2005 and it was a brief call and did not contain a lot of details. The only information that I can pass on is that everyone should at all costs not ride the subway for the next 2 weeks in the major areas of NYC, that means Grand Central, Times Square, Herald Square, Union Square areas. I know that seems crazy but do take his advice if at all possible. I am not at will or able to discuss anything more than that. I was not allowed to ask him any questions but he called with grave concern for the safety of myself and Heather. He said I could tell friends exactly what I have said above and that is it.

I am sorry that I cannot give any more details. He also said that he would inform me as soon as the threat at hand has passed and when we can go back to normal life.

Sincerely,

Nick Seligson-Ross, Artistic Director
Nicholas Andre Dance Theater

Who Got the Terror Tip-Off?

Jessica — Fri, 14 Oct 2005 11:48:44 EDT

While we were "atoning" yesterday (read: sweet, sweet sleep), we couldn't help but notice the Daily News' front page story about the NYC "elite" who were tipped off, in advance, to last week's non-credible credible terror threats. While the story suggests a former Coast Guard official might have been behind one of the three alleged emails, there's no word on who, exactly, constituted the "select crowd of business and arts executives." Well, dammit, that's the important part! This is the sort of event that single-handedly dictates who's elite and who's not! We think we know who made the email list:

• David Remnick
• Richard Johnson
• Naked Cowboy
• Barney Calame
• Ed Hayes
• Noah Tepperberg
• Nick Denton
• Anna Anisimova
• Diddy
• Steve Millington
• L.E.S. Jewels

Who Tipped Big Shots? [NYDN]

British Tab Mistakes Gutterpunks For Rodents

Pareene — Mon, 10 Oct 2005 15:25:05 EDT

You can now officially stop going about your daily business with steely determination in the face of terror, and return to going about it with quiet desperation:

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg on Monday called off a high alert for the city's subway system after the attack date cited in a federal warning passed without incident.

What a relief. And, conveniently, all my weekend fear made me forget who Freddy Ferrer is.

But wait! The terror is NOT OVER YET:

SQUIRRELS are getting hooked on crack cocaine hidden by addicts in gardens.They are digging up the stashes and eating the mega-addictive drug, which comes in small chunks.
[...]
Crack squirrels are a recognised problem in America. They are common in parks used by addicts in New York and Washington DC.

They have been known to attack park visitors in their search for a fix.

Oddly, LES Jewels was unavailable for comment.

[Photoshoppery by Chuck Smith at Mechapixel.com.]

Bloomberg Says Subway Threat Seems to Be Passing [Reuters via NYT]
Squirrels go nuts on crack [Sun]

New York: Tolerant of All Levels of Fear

Jessica — Fri, 07 Oct 2005 11:40:45 EDT

A confused reader sends us documentation of our confused state of existence:

Godfuckingdammit, which is it? Are we terrified? Indifferent? Determined? Docile? If the media can't tell us how to feel, we're a short step away from utter inhumanity.

L.E.S. Jewels, the Face of East Village Heroin

Jessica — Fri, 07 Oct 2005 10:50:12 EDT

The image at right is not the cast of Misshapes: The Musical! These are actually fresh faces behind the East Village's beloved crusties, a group of street kids who regularly sleep on beds of needles in Tomkins Square park. An ambiguous family of homeless punk anarchists (or young bums, as one might say), the crusties have recently come under scrutiny in light of the EDGY spate of heroin overdoses to plague the East Village and Lower East Side as of late, most recently the death of a young man in the bathroom at the Odessa diner. The Villager hits the street for some reportage:

The self-appointed spokesman for the Tompkins Square crusties, L.E.S. Jewels, who has been quoted in local newspapers for his own overdose experience, said the crusties had nothing to do with the Odessa incidents.

Wait... L.E.S. Jewels? Hey, we know Jewels! From the Times, August 18, 2005:

"I died four times in one day, and I'm still here," said L.E.S. Jewels, a skinny 35-year-old from nowhere in particular. Under his left eye there are four blue tattooed dots. They stood, he said, for the four times he overdosed last week.

An experienced heroin addict and well-versed in the intricacies of steet culture, L.E.S. Jewels is available for comment on a variety of issues. Interested media outlets should contact Rubenstein PR to schedule an interview.

Hobo Punks Said to Have Wandered From Their Roots [The Villager]

NYC BLOWN UP FOR PAYING TOO MUCH ATTENTION TO ROVE, MIERS

Jessica — Fri, 07 Oct 2005 08:43:23 EDT

Forgive us if we're a bit sluggish this morning, but we were blown up last night (19 different times, no less) in that captivating terror attack we were warned about. Serves us right, we suppose, for vigilantly supporting the MTA over the TLC.

More than anything, we're amazed that Bloomberg, the NYPD, and the FBI claim the threat is "credible," while the DHS insists the threat is "not credible." Can't you all just agree on how panicky and distracted you want us to be right now?

Police Investigate New York Subway Terror Threat [ABC]

2005 Fall Style Watch: Terrorist Chic

Jessica — Tue, 04 Oct 2005 17:00:24 EDT

The French-designed hooded sweatshirts featured above will be available, by order, in a few weeks — just long enough for the MTA to think of the appropriate, enforceable ban on them.

Terror Fashion [Cool Hunter]

NYC Emergency Management Potentially More Polarizing Than Actual Emergencies

Jessica — Wed, 28 Sep 2005 10:29:03 EDT

Prompted by the disaster in New Orleans and the current hurricane-a-week weather pattern, NYC Office of Emergency Management is gently reminding us all to always be prepared:

The city recommends having $50 to $100 on hand, in small bills, as well as a credit or ATM card. Ask your bank about a no-fee credit card so you don't pay for a card you're not using, but activate it as soon as you get it - it will come with a sticker attached that has a number to call to activate the card - to be sure it's ready to use in an emergency. Getting a duplicate of your ATM card could inactivate your current card; ask the bank for advice. If you have a savings account, ask if you can get a no-fee ATM card for that account, and leave that in your go bag.

So, basically, you should have lots of money, paper and otherwise. Doesn't this exclude a hefty chunk of the population? We know plenty of people without credit cards, for instance — how are these individuals to adequately prepare for a disaster?

The cost of food supplies for the go bag and at-home kit could mount up. If the total seems beyond your means, consider asking for assistance at churches and food pantries, especially for bottles of water.

Ah, okay. Either be flush with cash, or get thee to a soup kitchen. Bloomberg couldn't have said it better himself.

Disaster Readiness ABCs [NYDN]

But They Have Marc Jacobs Bags at 50% Off!

Jessica — Tue, 20 Sep 2005 16:22:51 EDT

Overlooking Ground Zero, September 18, 2005:

Autumn is lovely, isn't it? So innocently alliterative; so ripe for rabid misinterpretation and emotional indignance.

The Twin Towers Fell Fashionably Early [Low Culture]

Edgy NYC: When It Rains, It Pours

Jessica — Tue, 20 Sep 2005 14:10:30 EDT

Oh, thank God. Things were almost quiet there for a second, and we thought we might have to abandon that whole NYC IS EDGY thing. We'll extend to Queens if it means we get to wear our Baseball Furies costumes for a few more days.

[via NYDN]

Remainders: Kurt Vonnegut's Liberal Bias

Jessica — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 18:30:09 EDT

• Courtesy of The Daily Show's extra footage, it's author Kurt Vonnegut's unaired list of liberal crap he never wants to hear again. [CC]
• Does even the fashion set find fashion underwhelming? Can we not rally for Fashion Week fabulousness? Or did Katrina wash away our sense of style, too? [NYO]
• NYC IS EDGY, so much so that your Vitamin Water may be made of Drano. [Release the Kraken]
• Not even confetti dares to touch Vogue editor Anna Wintour. [OAN]
• Because sucking off Vincent Gallo in Brown Bunny simply wasn't enough, actress Chloe Sevigny has now taken on the role of a nun-ho. [Cinematical]
• Foxy Brown is being sued by designer Tanya Manderson, who alleges that the rapper falsely accused Manderson of beating the crap out of her in a bathroom. Clearly, the guilty party was actually Naomi Campbell. [KGET]
• And, finally, another devastating blow to The Gays: Central Park's famous homo penguins have broken up, as one chose to explore a relationship with a female. [ChiTrib]

Car Bomb Helps NYC to Reach New Levels of Edgy

Jessica — Tue, 13 Sep 2005 11:08:43 EDT

On the bright side, the homeless of Dean Street slept warmly that night.
In our continuing, cutting-edge, unrelentingly tough coverage of New York's descent back to Warriors-style 1970's anarchy, we present you with the Prospect Heights Car Bomb, destined to arrive in a newly gentrified neighborhood near you. Located directly outside the Newswalk condominiums, the Car Bomb gives you that urban edge you've always wanted, without the sacrifice of of your coveted piece of trendy property. Order now, and receive a free stainless steel Molotov Cocktail kit!

Dean Street: Still "Street" Enough for Car Bombs [Dailyheights.com]

When the Lights Go Down in the City: Fashion Week Crisis Creates DVF Carnage

Jessica — Mon, 12 Sep 2005 10:52:09 EDT

Just days after the devastation of Hurricane Katrina and four years to the day of the attacks on the World Trade Center, tragedy has struck yet again. During the finale of last night's Diane von Furstenburg Spring 2006 fashion show, an entire bank of lighting fell on the audience, injuring several high-profile guests. The Daily breathlessly reports:

Among those injured included The Daily Telegraph fashion critic Hilary Alexander, Cosmopolitan fashion director Karen Haynes, Teen Vogue editor in chief Amy Astley and The Daily s own European editor, Karl Treacy. While Astley was injured she sustained a large cut to her back that destroyed her sweater — her affliction was not as severe as what happened to the other editors. Treacy suffered a gash on his head and was rushed upstairs bleeding from the side of his face; Haynes was ushered to an ambulance, where her neck was supported with a brace and gauze wrapped around her head to keep it secure and immobile; and as for the brave Alexander, she was taken out by a stretcher, head and neck bound with gauze and medical tape, to the hospital via ambulance.

You can only imagine the flamboyant mayhem. Editors rushing to the sides of their fallen comrades, Astley sobbing over the fate of her cashmere sweater and, like a songbird amidst the chaos, Vogue's Billy Norwich begging them all to "Rise to the fashion occasion!" The drama was fashion's finest hour, we're sure — although we doubt even the bravest attendees sacrificed their Herm s silk pocket squares as makeshift tourniquets.

Breaking News!!! [The Daily]

NYC IS EDGY, Maybe Too Much So

Jessica — Fri, 09 Sep 2005 12:06:27 EDT

Crazy baby-snatchers caught on tape? And just one day after a crazy baby-stabbing? What's next? Crazy baby mudlarking?

Kidnapped Boy's Rescued [NYDN]

Corrections: For the Record

Jessica — Thu, 08 Sep 2005 11:00:56 EDT

In an article published shortly after 8 a.m. today, Gawker claimed that New York was not particularly edgy. In fact, yesterday's horrific baby-stabbing was unquestionably edgy.

We regret the error.

[via NYP]
Earlier: Brooklyn Shuttle Derails, Telethon TK

Brooklyn Shuttle Derails, Telethon TK

Jessica — Thu, 08 Sep 2005 09:31:46 EDT

We've been so distracted with the national disaster coverage as of late, we completely forgot to keep vigilant regarding the issues in our own fair city. Worry not, however, for we've got more fuel for the NYC IS EDGY fire!

Yesterday afternoon, the Franklin Avenue shuttle jumped off the tracks near the Brooklyn Botanic Garden, leaving the 62 passengers to wade through toxic waters, waiting for a dramatic helicopter rescue. MTA is still investigating the cause of the accident but, as the shuttle was conductorless, we aren't expecting any conclusive answers.

Yeah, OK, so maybe we're not that edgy right now. But, dammit, we tried.

B'klyn Subway Scare [NYDN]

'Tourist' Sure Does Sound a Lot Like 'Terrorist'

Jessica — Mon, 29 Aug 2005 16:17:46 EDT

After a weekend full of disappointments and facing a week when everyone is on vacation (be it mental or otherwise), thank God we have some sort of news to strengthen our hope that, no matter what, NYC IS EDGY:

So 53rd Street between 5th & 6th has been shut down for the last hour because some yahoo left their enormous black suitcase chained to the bike rack outside MoMA and the Museum of Arts & Design. They shut down the street and cleared everyone out while the big bad bomb squad came to take care of business. Luckily for all of us stupidly watching through the window it was nothing but a suitcase of souvenirs from some hapless tourist who apparently has missed the memo about unattended baggage. Said belongings are now spread all over 53rd Street. Nothing like a man in a giant green hazmat suit to make the day go quickly. (Although I really was hoping for one of those bomb robots )

We've long insisted that the biggest threats to NYC are those slow-moving masses of tourists in fannypacks. But does anyone listen? No, of course not.

Now go run and get yourself a free snow globe before HazMat blows that shit up.

Speedballs Deadly; Heroin Still Okay

Jessica — Thu, 25 Aug 2005 10:46:06 EDT

A medical examiner's report has ruled that college students Mellie Carbalo and Maria Pesantez overdosed on speedballs — that tasty, evergreen mix of heroin and cocaine — and not on a poisoned batch of heroin. While we're relieved to hear that our smack supply isn't any more vicious than usual, a little part of us is secretly disappointed. If the girls died from a Belushi-approved drug cocktail, that's probably the end of any talk about a particularly deadly batch of heroin (unless another couple of young, attractive women die). And if there's no deadly heroin epidemic to which we can latch on, it seriously threatens our theory that NYC IS EDGY.

Back to being bourgie, then. Now go grab a low-carb green tea mochaccino before your dealer stops by.

Speedball Cocktail Killed Co-Eds [NYDN]
Earlier: Bad Heroin Supply Threatens Innocent Junkies
Put on Your Warriors Vests: NYC Is Back
Heroin Arrest Has Little To Do With Actual Heroin

World's Best SUV Hits Times Square's Finest

Jessica — Wed, 24 Aug 2005 11:00:21 EDT

When you're driving a black SUV full of cocaine and Belvedere vodka through Times Square, you're practically guaranteed to run into Damon Dash.

SUV Drags Cop Thru Times Sq. [NYDN]
Midtown Road Rage [Gothamist]

Remainders: Download Hot Ringtones From the Comfort of Your Subway Platform!

Jessica — Tue, 23 Aug 2005 18:58:12 EDT

• The MTA hooks military hardware wizards Lockheed Martin for a three-year, $212 million contract to pull a subway security and communications system out of its cauldron. Interestingly enough, the system would allow for cellphone usage in underground stations. Awesome, just another damn place people can hunt you down. [NYT]
• R. Kelly joins the lineup at the MTV Video Music Awards, leaving us all excited for a 6-hour performance of In the Closet. Perhaps a few lucky souls in the audience will get even get peed on. [AP]
• We doubt Radar actually ponied up cash for information regarding Tom Cruise, so you've got to wonder what's up with their budget sticker advertising scheme. [Adrants]
• Just when we were floating along our Martha Stewart love train, word comes that she'll be letting her daughter Alexis in on the Apprentice act. Reality television nepotism is so gauche, really. [Zap2it]

NYC Increasingly Hardcore

Jessica — Tue, 23 Aug 2005 09:24:27 EDT

So maybe you didn't believe us last week when we proclaimed that NYC IS EDGY again — granted, the slew of drug overdoses and recent murder were all confined to downtown neighborhoods, mostly in or around the Lower East Side. You're above 14th Street, perhaps chilling in Murray Hill, maybe domesticating yourself around the Upper East or West Sides. You're busy hitting the gym, eating at Zen Palate or something, and the new, gritty NYC isn't your problem. Just mind your own business, go check out a lecture at the 92nd Street Y, maybe finish your evening with a stop at Tasti D Lite. Keep on living the good life.

Just watch out for the crackhouse across the street from the 92nd Street Y. And try not to get shot in the chest while picking up your Tasti D.

Upper East Side Crack Cocaine Den Uncovered [NYS]
Shot on Mad. Ave. [NYDN]