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Cary Tennis
"Also, the dolphin represents to you not just your link to our ancestors in the sea but your wishes for your own penis, a penis that wants to swim in public and be displayed, that wants to jump through fiery hoops to the applause of mothers and fathers and children alike." [Salon]
"Also, the dolphin represents to you not just your link to our ancestors in the sea but your wishes for your own penis, a penis that wants to swim in public and be displayed, that wants to jump through fiery hoops to the applause of mothers and fathers and children alike." [Salon]
happy pride
advice
Girl: 'Should I Move Home?' Cary Tennis: 'I am a child of Florida's warm, wet indolence'
Salon's clinically insane advice columnist Cary Tennis today gets the chance to respond to the most stereotypical post-college question imaginable. A 24-year-old girl moved to LA to get into the film industry, found out it was shady, and got bummed out. Now she can't decide whether to move home to Florida and save up some money, or go backpacking across Thailand on a spiritual journey. We've all been there! Ann Landers gets 46 letters identical to this every week. So how does our friend Cary handle this easy setup? With his trademark brand of scary, dissociated ramblings indicative of an advanced case of schizophrenia or excessive mescaline use: More »
cary tennis
"Fuck him. Fuck you. Fuck it all," Says Advice Columnist
Cary Tennis: Your Source For Stone Cold Crazy Advice. The Salon advicemonger and generally confused and confusing man today receives a sincere question from a girl about her hard-partying friend, who gets drunk and cheats on her boyfriend, most recently by having "consensual, unprotected sex with one of the Marines" that she met on a night out. What should she do to help her friend? Cary Tennis makes sure she regrets that she ever asked that question. Because Cary Tennis can read her friend's mind: More »
Advice
Sometimes I miss print. At least then, there were space constraints. The internet knows no editing. Today on Salon, constantly wrong-headed advice columnst Cary Tennis fields a 1,300 word question from a melancholy Ivy League student whose primary problem is that she's kinda homesick and no one pays any attention to her in her huge faceless elite East Coast school. She misses misses the West Coast! She doesn't even want to go into publishing anymore! Also, roommate drama! Tennis's advice: exercise. Yes, YouTube is great, but this column wouldn't have happened in the pre-Web world. [Salon]
Toys!
This is Why Girls Can't Have Cool Things
In today's Salon, Heather Havrilesky writes about The O.C. and Friday Night Lights and other shows I will never watch. But she opens with a fascinating and disturbing reminiscence of how she used to horribly mistreat a child's most precious possessions. "When my sister and I were kids, we made our Star Wars action figures go on dates with each other. First we'd take turns picking our favorite action figures, then we'd set up 'apartments' for each of them. (We knew from 'Three's Company' that single people always lived in apartments.) Next, Luke would knock on Leia's door, but she'd usually say she was busy or had to wash her hair, because she secretly wanted to go out with Mark (that was the hunkier 'Empire Strikes Back' version of Luke) or Harrison (the hunky 'Empire Strikes Back' Han Solo)." More of her sinister molestations after the jump. More »
vamps and tramps
Paglia: Evil, Manly Hillary Surrounded by Pussies
Oh happy day! Post-feminist "social critic" Camille Paglia is taking your letters over at Salon! Well, "your" letters if "you" are the type of person who writes in to ask why, exactly, noted evil bitch Hillary Clinton only surrounds herself with "passive-aggressive, sadistic, mean, little, petty beta-male pieces of work who would not naturally succeed in a common male-type hierarchy." Paglia's response? That is a very, very good question. She herself has noticed that "the male staff who Hillary attracts are slick, geeky weasels or rancid, asexual cream puffs." Oh, but we've barely scraped the armchair-psychoanalytical surface! More »
janice min
This Just Happened
Last week, Salon's Rebecca Traister worried that "The Golden Age of Celebrity Gossip" was "grinding to an end" because of "evil geniuses" like Us Weekly editor-in-chief Janice Min. Min did, after all, put The Hills star Lauren Conrad on the cover of her mag. But the Little Girls of America have a message for the Min doubters: "J-Min is right, and you are old, so shut your old face before I shut it for you." I just went to the corner newsstand to buy cigarettes and while I was waiting forever for this one Nigerian dude to buy a stack of phone cards, two Russian girls who looked to be about eight or nine years old showed up. More »
arts & crafts
Cary Tennis Finally Offers Interesting Advice
"So do this: Take out a sheet of paper and draw two intersecting circles. On one side draw a penis and on the other side draw a vagina. In the intersection put the penis and the vagina."–Salon advice columnist Cary Tennis, today. [Salon]
campaigns
'Salon': Obama is Chris Tucker, McCain is Jackie Chan
In case you missed it, Salon's lead story today is about how Americans like John McCain and Barack Obama because they remind them of an interracial buddy cop movie, like Lethal Weapon. No, seriously! John McCain is a grizzled old vet, just one campaign away from retirement! Barack Obama is a wise-crackin street-smart sassy black guy, minus most of those descriptors that aren't "black." Also, dudes like guys, and John McCain and Barack Obama are both guys. Hi, Kurt Andersen! Anyway, it's all about sexism, according to this dude, in Salon. Fun bonus: the worst piece of photoshop ever committed to pixels. It's supposed to be Obama and McCain as Danny Glover and Mel Gibson, but that's obviously the wrong interracial buddy cop movie. McCain is a "maverick" and a little bit crazy, yes, but he's also 100 years old, like Nick Nolte in 48 Hours (and every other thing he's ever been in). [Salon]
advice
Unchecked Cary Tennis Continues Slide Towards Madness
When we last checked in on Salon's crazy columnist Cary Tennis, he was angrily telling all his online critics to leave him alone. And he hasn't heard anything from us since! Unfortunately, outside criticism was the only thing keeping Cary tethered to reality. Its absence has him backsliding, as evidenced by his response yesterday to a rich guy asking if he should leave the suburbs because he hates it, even though he has a new, expensive house. What about the commuting situation, and the volatile housing market,and his wife's career? So many factors to consider. Is he being rash? And Cary Tennis replied: Why not move to my imaginary Fantasy Land, instead? More »
death wishes
Is The Fox News Era Over?
Eric Boehlert predicts that Fox News is basically fucked. While the liberal Media Matters senior fellow's job is to criticize and decry Fox News, that network's continued relevence will ensure that he keeps that job. So it is presumably with both glee and secret dismay that Boehlert presents a portrait of an epochal force in news presentation on its sad decline. More »
no one asked
Leave Cary Tennis Alone!
Salon advice columnist Cary Tennis uses today's column to respond to his numerous vitriolic online critics. To sum up, people who criticize him are stupid and mean and when they die no one will care. "Perhaps they are accustomed to owning the world and naming the chairs. They see a person sitting in the advice giver's chair who is not doing it the way it has always been done, and they are infuriated, and they believe that they own that chair and they know who should be sitting there. It's as if they want to call the club membership to a vote." Also making fun of Cary reinforces the class system! Seriously, someone needs to explain what he's actually going on about here. We lost him a couple paragraphs before "Lack of self-knowledge is truly a luxury of the self-absorbed." Stop naming the chairs! [Salon]
noble savages
Salon Publishes Ravings Of Wrong Dan Savage
Salon recently asked "some of [their] favorite experts and opinion makers" who they were supporting in the Presidential election. One of the respondents was Dan Savage—his response is reprinted above. It had to be screengrabbed because Salon took down his answer once they realized they'd emailed this Dan Savage and not this Dan Savage. Designer Dan Savage even included his URL in his response, figuring they'd catch on. Not until they ran it last night, falsely attributed! We kinda love that Salon would just run this nonsense as long as it was from the right Dan Savage.
corrections
Do Heather Havrilesky & David Brooks Regret The Errors?
I'm no cheerleader for this here website—after all, I quit! Monday is my last day! Even so, I can't help but be irritated when Real Media Outlets write total lies about Gawker—because it's just bad journalism. Why, they're worse than bloggers! More »
The notly-anticipated Salon "sexiest man living" list is up. It continues to befuddle us how many people lust after Ira Glass. That dude could bang any overeducated, 37ish, glasses-wearing lady in America at any time, basically.
If we listened to podcasts, we would totally listen to this podcast of Brian De Palma talking about his new movie "Redacted." But podcasts are for people who take the subway and stuff. [Salon]
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